Over the course of our lives, we have all used Haynes manuals and found them to be frequently "delightfully inaccurate." I found out recently that the manuals are actually QUITE GOOD but it was me who misunderstood the phraseology and meaning they operate under. I hope this guide helps you as much as it did me.
The REAL meaning of the Haynes instructions
Haynes: Rotate anticlockwise. Translation: Clamp with vicegrips then beat repeatedly with hammer anticlockwise. You do know which way is anticlockwise, don't you?
Haynes: Should remove easily. Translation: Will be corroded into place ... clamp with adjustable spanner (monkey wrench) then beat repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: This is a snug fit. Translation: You will skin your knuckles! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: This is a tight fit. Translation: Not a hope in hell buddy! ... Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: As described in Chapter 7... Translation: That'll teach you not to read through before you start, now you are looking at scary photos of the inside of a gearbox.
Haynes: Pry... Translation: Hammer a screwdriver into...
Haynes: Undo... Translation: Go buy a can of WD40 (industrial size).
Haynes: Ease ... Translation: Apply superhuman strength to ...
Haynes: Retain tiny spring... Translation: "What was that! It almost took my eye out!"
Haynes: Press and rotate to remove bulb... Translation: OK - now that the glass broke off, let's get some good pliers to dig out the base and remaining glass shards.
Haynes: Lightly... Translation: Start off lightly and build up till the veins on your forehead are throbbing then re-check the manual because what you are doing now cannot be considered "lightly".
Haynes: Weekly checks... Translation: If it isn't broken don't fix it!
Haynes: Routine maintenance... Translation: If it isn't broken... it's about to be!
Haynes: One spanner rating (simple). Translation: Your Mom could do this... so how did you manage to botch it up?
Haynes: Two spanner rating. Translation: Now you may think that you can do this because two is a low, tiny, little number... but you also thought that the wiring diagram was a map of the Tokyo underground (in fact that would have been more use to you).
Haynes: Three spanner rating (intermediate). Translation: Make sure you won't need your car for a couple of days and pray that your AAA cover includes Home Start.
Haynes: Four spanner rating. Translation: You are seriously considering this aren't you, you moron!
Haynes: Five spanner rating (expert). Translation: OK - but don't expect us to ride it afterwards!!! Translation #2: Don't ever carry your loved ones in it again and don't mention it to your insurance company.
Haynes: If not, you can fabricate your own special tool like this... Translation: Hahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahahaha!!!!
Haynes: Compress... Translation: Squeeze with all your might, jump up and down on, swear at, throw at the garage wall, then search for it in the dark corner of the garage while muttering "" repeatedly under your breath.
Haynes: Inspect... Translation: Squint at really hard and pretend you know what you are looking at, then declare in a loud knowing voice to your wife "Yep, as I thought, it's going to need a new one"!
Haynes: Carefully... Translation: You are about to cut yourself!
Haynes: Retaining nut... Translation: Yes, that's it, that big spherical blob of rust.
Haynes: Get an assistant... Translation: Prepare to humiliate yourself in front of someone you know.
Haynes: Refitting is the reverse sequence to removal. Translation: But you swear in different places.
Haynes: Prise away plastic locating pegs... Translation: Snap off...
Haynes: Using a suitable drift or pin-punch... Translation: The biggest nail in your tool box isn't a suitable drift!
Haynes: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Placing your mouth near it and huffing isn't moderate heat. Translation #2: Heat up until glowing red, if it still doesn't come undone use a hacksaw.
Haynes: Apply moderate heat... Translation: Unless you have a blast furnace, don't bother. Clamp with adjustable spanner then beat repeatedly with hammer.
Haynes: Index Translation: List of all the things in the book but the thing you want to do!
Haynes: Remove oil filter using an oil filter chain spanner or length of bicycle chain. Translation: Stick a screwdriver through it and beat handle repeatedly with a hammer.
Haynes: Replace old gasket with a new one. Translation: I know I've got a tube of Krazy Glue around here somewhere.
Haynes: Grease well before refitting. Translation: Spend an hour searching for your tub of grease before chancing upon a bottle of liquid soap. Wipe some congealed soap liquid from the dispenser nozzle and use that since it's got a similar texture and will probably get you to Autozone to buy some Castrol grease.
Haynes: See illustration for details Translation: None of the illustrations notes will match the pictured exploded, numbered parts. The unit illustrated is from a previous or variant model.
