snap_understeer New Reader
April 16, 2012 1:50 p.m.

I was on kijiji for my next project car, and i came across an ad for a 2001 focus. It was titled Batman's other, other car. Here is what it said:

Up for grabs is batman's little known secret car. Yes, that right a 2001 Ford Focus SE sedan. Finished in the dark knight's favourite colour, silver. Powered by the reliable 2 litre 4 cyl. Zetec engine, you can use each of the transmission's 5 gears to get out of the hairiest situations. Keeping your cool while you escape is easy since the air conditioning still blows COLD! To help with the escape he has lowered the car, upgraded the brakes and reprogrammed the engine's computer to squeeze out as many ponies as it can possibly muster. Since the bad guys like to do their badness at night, our caped crusader fitted his ride with real HID headlights to light up the night. Now I bet you're thinking this car sounds awesome, and it is, but there are a few things to take note. In an act of revenge the Joker cursed the car with some rust spots, namely on the rocker panels. He stole the window switches for the rear power windows (damn you joker!) and lastly the penguin blew out the right rear shock

Can you find anything better?

Alan Cesar Associate Editor
April 16, 2012 1:54 p.m.

The old Craigslist ad for a Geo Metro is still my favorite.

http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/fre/546194826.html

"Muffler fell off, now in back seat but you wont notice the noise because the shame will be deafening. Car would overheat if engine would stay running long enough but mercifully, it will not."

And so much more glorious failure inside the link.

Teh E36 M3 Dork
April 16, 2012 3:30 p.m.

There was an Xterra ad that I was my favorite, and started the genre, I think.

"OK, let me start off by saying this Xterra is only available for purchase by the manliest of men (or women). My friend, if it was possible for a vehicle to sprout chest hair and a five o'clock shadow, this Nissan would look like Tom Selleck. It is just that manly.

It was never intended to drive to the mall so you can pick up that adorable shirt at Abercrombie & Fitch that you had your eye on. It wasn't meant to transport you to yoga class or Linens & Things. No, that's what your Prius is for. If that's the kind of car you're looking for, then just do us all a favor and stop reading right now. I mean it. Just stop.

This car was engineered by 3rd degree ninja super-warriors in the highest mountains of Japan to serve the needs of the man that cheats death on a daily basis. They didn't even consider superfluous nancy boy amenities like navigation systems (real men don't get lost), heated leather seats (a real man doesn't let anything warm his butt), or On Star (real men don't even know what the hell On Star is).

No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It's saved my bacon more than once.

It has room for you and the four hotties you picked up on the way to the gym to blast your pecs and hammer your glutes. There's a tow hitch to pull your 50 caliber anti-Taliban, self cooling machine gun. I also just put in a new windshield to replace the one that got shot out by The Man.

My price on this bad boy is an incredibly low $12,900, but I'll entertain reasonable offers. And by reasonable, I mean don't walk up and tell me you'll give me $5,000 for it. That's liable to earn you a Burmese-roundhouse-sphincter-kick with a follow up three fingered eye-jab. Would it hurt? Hell yeah. Let's just say you won't be the prettiest guy at the Coldplay concert anymore.

There's only 69,000 miles on this four-wheeled hellcat from Planet Kickass. Trust me, it will outlive you and the offspring that will carry your name. It will live on as a monument to your machismo.

Now, go look in the mirror and tell me what you see. If it's a rugged, no holds barred, super brute he-man macho Chuck Norris stunt double, then contact me. I might be out hang-gliding or BASE jumping or just chilling with my ladies, but I'll get back to you. And when I do, we'll talk about a price over a nice glass of Schmidt while we listen to Johnny Cash.

To sweeten the deal a little, I'm throwing in this pair of MC Hammer pants for the man with rippling quads that can't fit into regular pants. Yeah, you heard me. FREE MC Hammer pants."

Twin_Cam UltraDork
April 16, 2012 5:38 p.m.

I literally LOL'd at these. Good stuff.

"Engine has original horsepower (both)."

thunderzy Reader
April 16, 2012 6:15 p.m.

daaaahahahahhaaaa!!! Free MC Hammer pants!!! Who can turn that down??

Rufledt Dork
April 16, 2012 6:23 p.m.
Alan Cesar wrote: The old Craigslist ad for a Geo Metro is still my favorite. http://www.craigslist.org/about/best/fre/546194826.html "Muffler fell off, now in back seat but you wont notice the noise because the shame will be deafening. Car would overheat if engine would stay running long enough but mercifully, it will not." And so much more glorious failure inside the link.

My favorite line:

"Stains on upholstery are primarily not urine related" (emphasis added)

The0retical Reader
April 16, 2012 8:00 p.m.
Teh E36 M3 wrote: No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It's saved my bacon more than once.

On a related note the first aide kit was missing from the XTerra I bought the wife and every now and then she trots that fact out. I think I figured out how to make one for her. I'm sure she'll appreciate it.

Teh E36 M3 Dork
April 16, 2012 8:43 p.m.
The0retical wrote:
Teh E36 M3 wrote: No, this brute comes with the things us testosterone-fueled super action junkies need. It has a 265 HP engine to outrun the cops. It's got special blood/gore resistant upholstery. It even has a first-aid kit in the back. You know what the first aid kit has in it? A pint of whiskey, a stitch-your-own-wound kit and a hunk of leather to bite down on when you're operating on yourself. The Xterra also has an automatic transmission so if you're being chased by Libyan terrorists, you'll still be able to shoot your machine gun out the window and drive at the same time. It's saved my bacon more than once.

On a related note the first aide kit was missing from the XTerra I bought the wife and every now and then she trots that fact out. I think I figured out how to make one for her. I'm sure she'll appreciate it.

You will get a medal from me if you do. The berkeleying man medal. 'Cause berkeley that. The wife doesn't challenge me to make a berkeleying man's med kit. I berkeleying own that E36 M3.

Did I get enough GRM word subs in there?

Bowenaero New Reader
April 20, 2012 12:03 p.m.

http://www.motoiq.com/magazine_articles/id/2188/best-craigslist-for-sale-ad-ever.aspx

^That one's got some language, so I'll let you follow the link.

http://www.mr2oc.com/showthread.php?t=336754&highlight=mcdonalds+cup+craigslist

^Might have to log in here, but I've transcribed below:

1987 MRTWIZZLE - $750 (alamo square / nopa) Reply to: sale-1030037227@craigslist.org [?] Date: 2009-02-10, 11:20PM PST

This car is awesome. I'm pretty sure it shouldn't be running, but it does*.

Only 1,* miles

Small oil leak. (About a quart a week)

Salvaged only a couple of times.

It looks like the front bumper was painted by a paint brush, but it's not really noticeable from >45 ft.

Small dent on rear left side. Kind of broken tail light.

Small dent on rear right side. Tail light is fine though.

Front left blinker sometimes falls out.

Something hangs down from the front bumper, I'll try to cut it off soon.

Makes a weird noise when making right turns really fast and (I think the same cause) maks little gashes on the rear left tire. I'm frankly surprised it hasn't popped yet.

3rd gear grinds.

5th gear pops out.

Sometimes makes a really loud strange noise when starting up, but turning it off real quick and going "What the **** was that?!" usually fixes the problem.

Was previously owned by a gay dude.

There was this strange box underneath the seat that I took out. I hope it wasn't important.

Back trunk is a bitch to pop open.

I took out the tire and jack from the front trunk and haven't been able to put it back in the right way, so good luck with that

For a while the throttle would get stuck at like 4,000 RPM, but when I crashed into a pedestrian sign it somehow fixed it.

But other than that, there are good things too:

This car is sweet. You'll totally pick up the chicks and be able to beat any car in a street race.**

I discovered that in 5th gear, a medium mcdonalds cup fits perfectly in between the linkage. Which also helps prevent the gear from popping out.

I recently cut out the speakers and radio so there are open and exposed wires hanging, waiting for you to simpy install a new system.

The heater works. Really well, actually. It won't turn off.

I'm asking $750 and my price is firm. No low ballers or scammers. Seriously. I'll try to get some pictures up some day. Like today! http://s150.photobucket.com/albums/s119/StealthZero/

*Small Disclaimer: If it so happens that this car is run on my will power alone and you don't have enough will power to run it, I will not be held responsible.

**Smaller Disclaimer: Not that I condone street racing or anything, I'm just saying that hypothetically, this car is definitely the fastest car you'll ever drive, ever.

EDIT: It now has a dead battery and 2 flats. New price...500 bucks. (Will take interesting trades)

Keywords:sex, mr2, blackpeople, turbo, civicsaregay, ilikemen, stupidtesticleman, cheese, wattabaggabingbong, "the quantum theory of relativity", turbo, super, charged, super-duper, civic, Kim Jong Il, myspace, craigslist, sex, sexwithmr2s, hitlersweiner, 1909 1245 1986 1987 1988 1989 1990 1991 1992 1993 1994 1995 1, mkI, mkII, mkVII, Mark the Third.

Also, I'm lonely. Please E-mail if you want an MR2 or not.

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