All for a 10mm socket...

Also BERK GM engineers, and Auto Zone face palm. Or, the story of replacing the battery in a GMC Terrain. Rant/vent warning.

I got the call to check out MIL’s car with a no-start. 2016 GMC Terrain with 50k miles. FIL is 1000 miles away and does his best to remote diagnose it and googles up what he can. Dead battery, and apparently factory GM batteries are appallingly short lived. And a computer module is mounted on top of the battery. 

Why GM, why in the ever loving berkeley do you keep mounting E36 M3 on top of the battery? I’m having flashbacks to the bane of my automotive training, the 3100 powered W body, with the washer fluid tank over the battery, and other engineering choices made to make techs drink. 

Back to the task at hand. I go over after work and start trying to do what I can. First to rummage through FIL’s toolbox only to find a grand total of 2 metric tools, an 8mm deep well socket and a 19mm wrench. I can’t do anything without a 10mm tool, and it is the only thing I need for the job. We are getting the battery from Auto Zone anyway and they offer free installation so just let them do it. We jump the car and head down separate just in case it needs another jump.

I don’t care to disparage people in retail but the person helping us was a lowest common denominator menu monkey.  We get the battery and go out. Upon seeing the computer over the battery he refused to do it. MIL is upset and I go back in to buy a metric set to do it. Right as I pay for a set of metric sockets a more experienced employee goes out and is able and willing to do the job. Everything get done eventually and in gratitude MIL orders a pizza for the employees. 

Bonus, if I had my garage key on me I would have had access to a full set of tools 5-10 minutes past Auto Zone and half of this story wouldn’t have happened. 

This story highlights why I keep a cheap compact metric set in all my cars. The cost is less than the cost of the time lost looking for tools in almost every case. Maybe thats just my inner boyscout talking, but it has served me well.

Glad to hear you got it going. Still sounds better than those damned dodge with the battery in the wheelwell. While I can understand the engineering decision behind not wanting a block of lead up high on the chassis, it seems they could still keep it marginally accessable. 

At autozone, I am just happy to have a pulse. I end up having to guide the clerk more often than not, but as long as I get the correct part I am enthralled. Call me ageist, but I almost always ask the oldest guy working for help, to great effect. 

So wait, they have free battery installation, but you didn't get a discount for installing it yourself? 

Pepboys pulled that E36 M3 with me a couple weeks ago. "Oh it will be 3-4 days before we can install your battery".. Days? Are you berkeleying kidding me? It's a battery, someone could change it on their smoke break. Then they had the nerve to not refund my core charge they made me pay when I brought back the old battery. 

Every time I leave the house I'm reminded why I'm down to only leaving once every two weeks. 

When I worked at Advance back in college the official ad line was "we install MOST batteries for free." Those GM W bodies were the reason for the disclaimer but I have done one in the parking lot. Also saw our boss do 2x the largest commercial battery we sold laying under a box truck in the rain. Of course he also liked to tackle shoplifters, not a guy that chose the easy path.

I learned about dual batteries in diesels one day by installing a single battery in one while wearing a metal wristwatch. Had the pattern of the band burned into my wrist for a week.

Don’t forget the steel support tube that had to be halfway removed after you got the washer tank off the top of the battery.  They continued their shenanigans with the newer U platform (aztevous, minivans) which requires a brace be removed that you cannot get a socket on, that’s been having the threads and captured nut splashed with road salt from underneath for 100k miles so if you can actually get leverage on it half the time it rounds the head off and the other half it snaps.  Or the c4 where you have to remove the fender panel and it’s borderline impossible to get the lower bolt without scratching the paint.  Gm and ease of battery replacement do not go hand in hand.

Didn’t one company put the battery inside or right behind the bumper? 

spitfirebill said:

Didn’t one company put the battery inside or right behind the bumper? 

4dr and convertible stratus have it behind a panel in the front wheelwell.

In reply to Nugi :

Do you mean the Dodge in the wheel-well where the car goes into lockdown that can only be released at great expense by the dealer if you dont use a battery tender to change the battery. Cause that is a killing offense. 

I "prefer" the "crossovers" that have the battery in a well behind the front passenger seat, underneath a sea of the typical crap that accumulates in this kind of vehicle.

Did you know that dry Cheerios can go moldy?  And why are so many vehicles full of random socks???

The really sad part of the FIL's metric tools, is that 8mm and 19mm directly change to 5/16 and 3/4...

I saw some sort of Dodge with the battery in the fender while I was junkyard prowling. Front bumper and grill, fenders were gone, or else I wouldn't have realized the battery was there.

Disgusting.

2013 Ford Escape with the battery crammed under the cowl is my current favorite. Took me entirely too long to figure out how much crap I had to rip out to get a path for the battery to come out.

For people knowing nothing about cars, I had to show MIL where the hood release was. When looking in the engine bay she recognized the washer fluid tank but asked “what’s that?” pointing at the dipstick. I also showed her the oil fill, pressure tank(she thought that was for the oil) and the positive jump point. 

Back to idiotic battery service, RCR talked about the HHR having the battery in the cargo area, and that the hatch release is electric only and you need to jump it to be able to open the hatch to change it. We encountered similar with the electric only release when we needed to get into the back while the battery was out and we had to fold up the back seat to get in back. 

In reply to Brian :

Put jumper cables on the jump-start posts underhood so you can open the tailgate.

I have somehow adopted half of the DIY auto people on central Florida despite not actually working at an auto parts store. But every damn Saturday at about 5pm, some greasy kid comes in with a bolt that looks like it was run on sideways at wide open, and I'm the one that s0lves it. Yes I have the best metric around.  Yes- I know Cars. But the berkeleyin harley dealer sends people to me. All I wanted was to build E36 M3 

Daylan C said:

2013 Ford Escape with the battery crammed under the cowl is my current favorite. Took me entirely too long to figure out how much crap I had to rip out to get a path for the battery to come out.

Try an Nissan versa note sometime. Not quite BMW bad- but it should not be that hard. 

In reply to Mndsm :

The BMWs I've gone have all been easy. Well I now remember I did 1, and that was an E36.

We do alot of battery installs at work that the local parts store refuse. The boss loves the money but man do I hate those chryslers, at this point there all beat too E36 M3 and rusty so getting the hold down off in that space sucks

I always carry some sort of basic tools. My current favorite setup is the tiny Wera Tool-Check that gives you a few sockets and a bunch of bits, plus a couple of handles. Miniscule and genuinely useful, though not comprehensive (probably need to add some E-torx sockets). For my old car I have a full tool roll with just about anything I might need.

My experience with BMW batteries is that they're fairly easy to change, though the modern ones have some sort of box on top that manages the on-demand charging system. Easily removed though.

Brian said:

Back to idiotic battery service, RCR talked about the HHR having the battery in the cargo area, and that the hatch release is electric only and you need to jump it to be able to open the hatch to change it. We encountered similar with the electric only release when we needed to get into the back while the battery was out and we had to fold up the back seat to get in back. 

BMW 1-series is the same, so you need electricity to replace a dead battery (which the car will kill on its own if left for 2~3 weeks).

My former life was in the parts biz. Eff most GM battery placements in general, and an extra eff for still thinking side posts are a good idea. 

My 5000 wagon had the battery under the seat and my E39 wagon had the battery in the pass side rear well behind the wheel. If the battery was dead it was nearly impossible to even get to it.

My old work van was a diesel Ford. There were 2 batteries under the right side somewhere. It would not hold a charge over 3 days or a 2 day weekend in the winter. I would have to call the shop over to jump it and then get ready for the verbal abuse. They really did not like crawling in the snow to get to the battery.

spitfirebill said:

Didn’t one company put the battery inside or right behind the bumper? 

Buick made a car like that. I think it was the Riviera. Had a panel underneath the front bumper that came off for access to the battery. When I worked at Advance in the mid-90's, we wouldn't do the battery on those. Was told it was easier to remove the front bumper to replace the battery than use the small panel under the bumper. Have done the battery on the Olds W-body, it was a pain and probably the hardest battery I've changed. I remember the last of the big Camaro's you had to remove a fender brace to get the battery out, actually disconnect one end and loosen the other so it pivots out of the way.

Once bought a battery and had to teach the kid that was supposed to install the battery how to do it. On something easy too, a 95 F150.

Hey Brian, I can't contribute much to this post other than to say I loved your initial rant. Sorry for the inconvenience you experienced, but your prose here provided great entertainment.

Thumbs up!