Crazy ER Stories: Off-topic discussion forum: Grassroots Motorsports Magazine

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July 10, 2008 11:43 a.m. aircooled Dork

Be warned, some of these are pretty nasty:

http://dailystrength.org/blog/182-8-crazy-stories

But I found this one particularly funny:

"An unconscious man and his girlfriend arrived with a large lump on his head and several deep scratches on his scrotum. When he awoke, he explained that he had been kneeling naked over the side of his bathtub while cleaning.

The cat must have become transfixed with his swaying testes, and it pounced. The patient struck his head as he jumped in pain, and his girlfriend found him unconscious."
July 10, 2008 11:57 a.m. oldschoolimport New Reader

those are pretty good. I work in an ER, and over the years, I've seen alot of crazy stuff too. its ALWAYS exciting.
July 10, 2008 12:23 p.m. Dr. Hess SuperDork

You should have seen the time a car plowed into the parking lot at a tattoo/piercing parlor.
July 11, 2008 6:01 a.m. 914Driver HalfDork

My wife always wears skirts, sometimes with a lowish cut top. She tucks her cell phone inside (I think) her bra strap, it's not visible from the outside. We were talking with friends when she discreetly slipped two fingers into her shirt and came up with a phone. It was on vibrate. Cool.

Now I can see losing track of a small phone but how the hell do you lose a turkey sandwich FOR A MONTH???
July 11, 2008 8:12 a.m. carzan New Reader

I've worked in hospitals most of my life and have spent considerable time talking to ER doctors and nurses. The one story that really sticks in my mind is the one where a man calmly walks into the ER and politely states he needs to see a doctor. The person behind the counter hands him paperwork and tells him to sit in the waiting area and they would be right with him. The man sits but the receptionist notices a bulge (which later turns out to be rolled up fabric) in the mans crotch area and the area also looked bloody, but it was hard to tell with the dark pants the man was wearing. About that time, another, older man zips into the area carrying a bag. He approaches the staff naming the first man as his son and in the bag was his son's..."junk". He described his sons continuing mental problems and this was just the latest of a series of bizarre acts. When the son was asked why he decided to remove his wanker, he said that it "was bothering him", so he cut it off. I don't know if the surgical procedure to re-attach it was a success...or even what a "success" would mean in this case.
July 11, 2008 4:07 p.m. oldschoolimport New Reader

ouch!

my weirdest was when a couple came in, and she said that he had something lodged in his "backside". turns out, they were getting frisky and one of them came up with the idea of using a pool noodle on him. well, the other agreed, so they slicked up the noodle, and started inserting it. when he "got his fill/feel", she tried to remove it. well, the lube had gotten rubbed off, and it broke. his sphincter closed up, and surgery was the only option. 14 inches of pool noodle was removed from him!
July 11, 2008 5:09 p.m. btp76 New Reader

A friend told me years ago about a man being brought into the ER sitting on an extra large stretcher. He'd backed himself onto a door knob and gotten stuck. The paramedics had to take down the door and bring them in together.
July 14, 2008 8:24 a.m. Dr. Hess SuperDork

The radiologists had a slide show titled "The Rectal Horror Picture Show."
July 14, 2008 9:09 a.m. Duke Dork

14" of POOL NOODLE?! Those things are like 3-1/2" OD! "Got his fill"...?
July 14, 2008 9:14 a.m. Tim Baxter Online Editor

From The Straight Dope:

The medical journals list, among other things, the following astonishing array:

A bottle of Mrs. Butterworth's syrup, an ax handle, a nine-inch zucchini, countless dildoes and vibrators including one 14-inch model complete with two D-cell batteries, a plastic spatula, a 9-1/2-inch water bottle, a deodorant bottle, a Coke bottle, a large bottle cap, numerous other bottles, a 3-1/2-inch Japanese glass float ball, an 11-inch carrot, an antenna rod, a 150-watt light bulb, a 100-watt frosted bulb, a cucumber, a screwdriver, four rubber balls, 72-1/2 jeweler's saws (all from one patient, but not all at the same time, although 29 were discovered on one occasion), a paperweight, an apple, an onion, a plastic toothbrush package, two bananas, a frozen pig's tail (it got stuck when it thawed), a ten-inch length of broomstick, an 18-inch umbrella handle and central rod, a plantain encased in a condom, two Vaseline jars, a whiskey bottle with a cord attached, a teacup, an oil can, a six-by-five-inch tool box weighing 22 ounces, a six-inch stone weighing two pounds (in the latter two cases the patients died due to intestinal obstruction), a baby powder can, a test tube, a ball-point pen, a peanut butter jar, candles, baseballs, a sand-filled bicycle inner tube, sewing needles, a flashlight, a half-filled tobacco pouch, a turnip, a pair of eyeglasses, a hard-boiled egg, a carborundum grindstone (with handle), a suitcase key, a syringe, a file, tumblers and glasses, a polyethylene waste trap from the U-bend of a sink, and much, much more.
July 14, 2008 10:19 a.m. aircooled Dork

Sorry, but that totally reminded me of this (note the last half of the song):

The Tubes:

What do you want from life? To kidnap an heiress Or threaten her with a knife?

What do you want from life? To get cable TV And watch it every night

There you sit, a lump in your chair Where do you sleep And what do you wear When you're sleepin'?

What do you want from life? An Indian guru To show you the inner light

What do you want from life? A meaningless love affair With a girl that you met tonight

How can you tell when you're doin' alright? Does your bank account swell While you're dreamin' at night?

How do know when you're really in love? Do violins play when you're touching the one That you're lovin'? oh

What do you want from life? What do you want from life? Someone to love And somebody you can trust

What do you want from life? What do you want from life? To try and be happy While you do the nasty things you must

What do you want from life? What do you want from life? What do you want from life? What do you want from life?

Well, you can't have that But if you're an American citizen, you are entitled to A heated kidney shaped pool, a microwave oven Don't watch the food cook A Dyna-Gym, I'll personally demonstrate it In the privacy of your own home A king size Titanic unsinkable Molly Brown water bed with polybendum

A foolproof plan and an airtight alibi Real simulated Indian jewelry A Gucci shoetree, a year's supply of antibiotics A personally autographed picture of Randy Mantooth And Bob Dylan's new unlisted phone number A beautifully restored 3rd Reich swizzle stick Rosemary's baby A dream date in kneepads with Paul Williams

A new Matador, a new mastodon, a Maverick A Mustang, a Montego, a Merc Montclair A Mark IV, a meteor, a Mercedes, an MG Or a Malibu, a Mort Moriarty, a Maserati A Mac truck, a Mazda, a new Monza, or a moped A Winnebago, , a herd of Winnebagos We're giving 'em away Or how about a McCulloch chainsaw

A Las Vegas wedding, a Mexican divorce A solid gold Kama Sutra coffee pot Or a baby's arm holding an apple?

--

Hey, maybe Weird Al can do a remake?: "What do you want up you butt?"
July 14, 2008 5:20 p.m. seann New Reader

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gNWEeLz125Q

SFW (I think)