Overheard while waiting to pick up the kids from school:
The Russians, looking to one up the U.S. and our Moon landing, announced they would be landing on the Sun within 5 years.
In a panic an American astronaut contacted his Russian cosmonaut friend.
"Dude, you can't land on the Sun! You'll melt!"
"Nut to vorry, comrade, ve vill be goink et night."
When my wife left me, I was sad. And lonely.
So I got a dog. And a new car.
She's gonna go crazy when she gets back from work.
Why were Star Wars episodes 4, 5, and 6 filmed before episodes 1, 2, and 3?
Because in charge of planning Yoda was.
True story I heard yesterday.
A rally driver is presenting his car for scrutineering. At the previous event he'd been warned to patch some rust holes in the rear (This was decades ago...a simpler time when a grassroots rally car was the norm rather than an oddity).
Scrutineer: "Have you patched those rust holes I told you about before?"
Driver: "Well of course. I think you'll find everything in order."
Scrutineer: "Yes it looks very good, I can't even tell where the holes were. If I remember correctly, I think there used to be a rust hole riiiight...here!" he said as he stabbed a finger straight through the car to the driver's horror 
Scrutineer: "And another one...here!" he said as he stabbed his finger through the car again!
Both of them knew exactly what was going on - the driver taped over the holes and expertly painted the tape to match the car body! And if the scrutineer didn't have such a good memory it might've worked!
Harsh, but funny:
I asked my girlfriend last night if she would like a night out with her girlfriends eating ice cream?
She said, "Yes, that sounds like fun!"
I said, "Good, I'm breaking up with you."
In reply to rob_lewis:
Alternate break-up line -
"I know there is someone in this world who is perfect for you. THANK GOD it is not me."
From a motorcycle forum:
In today's ultra liberal PC world it's not acceptable to ask an engine to identify as a 2-stroke or 4-stroke. If a 4-stroke wants to burn pre-mix, who are we to judge. A 4-stroke can be anything it wants to be. Quit trying to label things.
What does this mean for rotaries?
HappyAndy wrote: From a motorcycle forum: In today's ultra liberal PC world it's not acceptable to ask an engine to identify as a 2-stroke or 4-stroke. If a 4-stroke wants to burn pre-mix, who are we to judge. A 4-stroke can be anything it wants to be. Quit trying to label things. What does this mean for rotaries?
I remember going to some seminars by John Deere and Curtiss-Wright on a Stratified Charge Omnivorous Rotary Engine (SCORE). Sounds very gender neutral.
Even found a link! Engines were going to cover a range from 80 to 2250 hp!
dinger wrote:Beer Baron wrote: I like my women the way I like my coffee... ...black and bitter. ...trendy and overpriced. ...first thing in the morning. ...shared communally in the break room. ...imported in burlap sacks. ...ground up and in the freezer. ...fair trade and organic. ...grabbed randomly in the supermarket. ...drizzled in caramel. ...keeping me up all night. ...supportive of my racing hobby....a little nasty and picked up at a gas station. ...cheap. ...in the kitchen. ...full of booze.
... without another guys hootus in it
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called ...his first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand.
He approached her and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know me?' She responded, 'Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher.
Yes, I know you.
'The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, 'Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?'
She again replied, 'Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him.'
The defense attorney nearly died.
The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, 'If either of you idiots ask her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair.
Women's magazines:
Pg 13: "How to accept yourself as you are"
Pg 14: "How to loose 10 lbs in 30 days"
Pg 15: "10 Best Cake Recipes"
Some vasectomies don't stop wives from getting pregnant. Sometimes they just change the color of the baby.
Why do Jeeps roll over so often?
They aren't very good at fetch.
Today I thought I should I go back to school to become a cardiologist, and when somebody dies of a heart attack be all like "Well all the tests say your father died of a myocardial infarction, but personally, I think he died of a broken heart." Then laugh and laugh. But I'm kinda berkeleyed up like that.
Yesterday, I went over to the local Bass Pro Shop to get a small 9mm for home protection. When I was ready to pay for the gun and bullets, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."
Making a mental note to complain to the NRA about the gun control wackos running amok, I did just as she had instructed.
When the hysterical shrieking and alarms finally subsided, I found out she was referring to how I should place my credit card in the card reader!!!
I've been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.
They need to make their instructions to seniors a little clearer.
I still don't think I looked that bad.
Q. What do you call a stolen Tesla?
A. An Edison.
HappyAndy wrote: From a motorcycle forum: In today's ultra liberal PC world it's not acceptable to ask an engine to identify as a 2-stroke or 4-stroke. If a 4-stroke wants to burn pre-mix, who are we to judge. A 4-stroke can be anything it wants to be. Quit trying to label things. What does this mean for rotaries?
Definitely Pre-Mix
Grtechguy wrote: Q. What do you call a stolen Tesla? A. An Edison.
Now THAT'S FUNNY
Does Vladimir Putin have kids?
Because if he does, he needs a Putin Nanny!
Hopefully this isn't too political:
So the Westboro Baptist Church, the KKK and Black Lives Matter all show up to protest the same thing. Then they start throwing pee on each other.
http://www.kplctv.com/story/32479326/watch-live-black-lives-matter-protest-near-east-4th-st
It's better than a joke because it actually happened.
^I lol'd The mere idea of those three groups all protesting the same thing is funny, I never would've guessed what would bring them together...only an LGBT rights group is missing for symmetry XD
Not a joke but more of an anecdote that happened to me this morning.
So a 20-ish something woman got on the train wearing fashionable orange shorts and a nice blue plaid top. She was smiling and had her hair done thinking she looked good and was very proud of her appearance.
Then a bald mid 50s+ man wearing a matching outfit walked by.
The smile is now gone.
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