Joke of the day

My boss called me, "How's it going today?"

OMG, it's nuts here, I haven't stopped for a break all day.

"I appreciate your efforts" he says, "but I need a favor."

Well yeah, if I can.

""I need you to step up the pace a little, I'm in the foursome behind you?

Please don't ban me on this one, but I finally decided to share one of my favorite jokes.

Cinderella was going to go to the ball with the help of her Fairy Godmother. Fairy Godmother turned Cinderella's tattered clothes into an elegant gown, her worn out shoes into beautiful glass slippers, her mice into graceful steeds, the frogs into handsome coachmen and a pumpkin into the most ornate and opulent carriage ever seen.

"Okay Cinderella, just one last thing. You must wear this diaphragm tonight," said the Fairy Godmother.

Cinderella said; "Okay Fairy Godmother but why?"

The Fairy Godmother replied; "Because at the twelfth stroke of Midnight, the spell will be broken. All the clothes, shoes, and carriage will return to their original form and the diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."

Cinderella agreed to the conditions, happily climbed aboard the carriage and was whisked away to the ball.

Later, the twelfth stroke of Midnight came and went. Cinderella was no place to be seen. Then 1, 2 came, still no Cinderella. Finally, and at almost 3 a.m., Cinderella came dragging in. Her clothes in tatters worse than they were before the spell. She looked exhausted and had apparently been through quite an ordeal.

The Fairy Godmother asked; "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING? WHO HAVE YOU BEEN WITH?"

Cinderella bowed her head slightly, gave an ever so subtle smile and said; "His name was Peter Peter something another."

October is cool, because you can walk into the store, buy 60 Snickers bars, 48 eggs, a chainsaw and a hockey mask and the cashier won't even blink an eye.

So, a Scotsman and an Irishman walk out of a bar. No, really, it could happen!

Do clothes in China say, "Made Around the Corner", or something like that?

Orange is the new Black.

In reply to etifosi:

OMG.

Great. Now I'm gonna have to change my freakin signature again.

What's the difference between a dump truck and a Bic lighter?

One's heavy and the other is a little lighter.

I live for Dad jokes!

etifosi wrote: Orange is the new Black.

Hahaha I got it eventually

mapper wrote: What's the difference between a dump truck and a Bic lighter? One's heavy and the other is a little lighter. I live for Dad jokes!

My nephew told it as what's the difference between a hippo and a zippo. He's 6 so I'm not sure he knows why it's funny.

GameboyRMH wrote:

etifosi wrote: Orange is the new Black.

Hahaha I got it eventually

ROTFL...took me a whole day!

If a man says something in the woods and there is no woman to hear it, is he still wrong??

Dad joke that kills with 5 year olds:

What car does a chicken drive?

A chicken Coupe DeVille

My dad joke of the day: What do you call a four man rock group that can't sing a note? Mount Rushmore.

My two year old helped me come up with this one:

What do you call someone misbehaving on the ISS?

Astronaughty.

An automotive engineer came out of his office after working 28 hours straight with the blinds closed. What's the first thing he said?

Datsun!

What did the cowboy say at the German auto show?

"Audi."

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:

You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...

It creates a hostile work environment.

A giraffe's coffee would be cold by the time it reached the bottom of its throat.

Ever think about that? No, YOU only think about yourself!

During a commercial airline flight an experienced Air Force Pilot was seated next to a young mother with a babe in arms. When the baby began crying during the descent for landing, the mother began nursing the infant as discreetly as possible.

The pilot pretended not to notice, and, upon disembarking, he gallantly offered his assistance to help with the various baby-related items.

When the young mother expressed her gratitude, the pilot responded, "Gosh, that's a good looking baby, and he sure was hungry!"

Somewhat embarrassed, the mother explained that her pediatrician said that the time spent on the breast would help alleviate the pressure in the baby's ears.

The Air Force Pilot sadly shook his head, and in true pilot fashion exclaimed,

"And all these years, I've been chewing gum."

Tower: "Delta 351, you have traffic at 10 o'clock, 6 miles!"

Delta 351: "Give us another hint! We have digital watches!"

* * * * * *

Tower: "TWA 2341, for noise abatement, turn right 45 degrees."

TWA 2341: "Center, we are at 35,000 feet. How much noise can we make up here?"

Tower: "Sir, have you heard the noise a 747 makes when it hits a 727?"

* * * * * * *

O'Hare Approach Control to a 747: "United 329, your traffic is a Fokker, one o'clock, three miles... eastbound."

United 329: "Approach, I've always wanted to say this. I've got the little Fokker in sight."

Just saw that smartphones are now the #1 hand-held device............

dropping the penis to 2nd place.

Q: Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands??

A: Because they are dead.

Dad: You like Corvettes, right?

Son: Yeah!

Dad: Go look in the driveway.

Son: OMG (driveway is empty)

Dad: Nobody cares what you like.