Joke of the day

The local parish needed to spruce up the church a bit, so they took bids and chose the lowest one to paint the exterior. The painter was able to win the bid because he would mix turpentine with the paint to make it go farther per gallon. After the first rain, however, the paint started to run down the side of the church. When the pastor called the painter to talk about the problem, the painter said "Father, I don't know what you expect me to do". The pastor replied, "Repaint, my son. Repaint, and thin no more!"

The Department of the Navy is now assigning females to quarters in a separate private OFF LIMITS area on all aircraft carriers.

Addressing all boat personnel at Pearl Harbor, CINCPAC advised, "The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $50 the first time."

He continued, " Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $150. Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $500. Are there any questions?”

At this point, a Marine Gunnery Sergeant, from the security detail assigned to the ship, stood up in the crowd and inquired: "How much for a season pass?"

108 seconds with a nice twist at the end...

Le Serveur

RX Reven' wrote: 108 seconds with a nice twist at the end... Le Serveur

Old ladies need love too....

Or

Any port in a storm!

A young New York woman was so depressed she decided to end her life by throwing herself into the ocean. Just before she could throw herself from the docks, a handsome young man stopped her. "You have so much to live for," he said. "I'm a sailor and we are off to Italy tomorrow. I can stow you away on my ship. I'll take care of you, bring you food every day, and keep you happy. When we get to Italy you will be SO GLAD you're alive" With nothing to lose and always wanting to see Italy, she accepted. That night, the sailor brought her aboard and hid her in a small but comfortable compartment in the ship's hold. From then on, every night, he would bring her sandwiches, a bottle of red wine, and make love to her until dawn. Two weeks later she was discovered by the captain during a routine inspection. "What are you doing here?" asked the captain. "I have an arrangement with a sailor," she replied. "He brings me food and I get a free trip to Italy." "I see," the captain says. Then her conscience got the best of her, and she added, "Plus, he's screwing me." "He certainly is," replied the captain. "This is the Staten Island Ferry.""

In reply to Wall-e:

That's a riot!

Why can't you find American flag sneakers?

Because these colors don't run.

A man walks in to a bar and places his order with the barkeep for 10 times as many drinks as anyone else has ordered today.

The bartender replies, "now that's an order of magnitude!"

Bus driver applicant: Sorry I'm late.

Boss: YOU'RE HIRED!

Imagine if there was a GPS that only used "Warmer" or "Colder" when giving directions!

Recalculating....

A Virginia State trooper pulled a car over on I-64 about 2 miles south of the Virginia/ West Virginia State line. When the trooper asked the driver why he was speeding, the driver said he was a juggler and was on his way to do a show at the Shrine Circus. He didn't want to be late.

The trooper told the driver he was fascinated by juggling and said if the driver would do a little juggling for him then he wouldn't give him a ticket. He told the trooper he had sent his equipment ahead and didn't have anything to juggle. The trooper said he had some flares in the trunk and asked if he could juggle them.

The juggler said he could, so the trooper got 5 flares, lit them and handed them to him. While the man was juggling, a car pulled in behind the patrol car. A drunken good old boy traveling from Tennessee got out, watched the performance, then went over to the patrol car, opened the rear door and got in.

The trooper observed him and went over to the patrol car, opened the door asking the drunk what he thought he was doing. The drunk replied, “You might as well take my ass to jail, cause there ain't no way I can pass that test.”

A police officer was patrolling late at night off the main highway.

At nearly midnight, he sees a couple in a car, in Lovers' Lane, with the interior light brightly glowing.

He carefully approaches the car to get a closer look.

Then he sees a young man behind the wheel, reading a computer magazine.

He immediately notices a young woman in the rear seat, filing her fingernails.

Puzzled by this surprising situation, the officer walks to the car and gently raps on the driver's window.

The young man lowers his window. "Uh, yes, officer?"

The trooper asks: "What are you doing?"

The young man says: "Well, officer, I'm reading a magazine."

Pointing towards the young woman in the back seat the officer says:

"And, her, what is she doing?"

The young man shrugs: "Sir, I believe she's filing her fingernails."

Now, the trooper is totally confused.

A young couple, alone, in a car, at night in Lover's Lane and nothing obscene is happening!

The trooper asks: "What's your age, young man?"

The young man says: "I'm 22, sir."

The trooper asks: "And her, what's her age?"

The young man looks at his watch and replies: "She'll be 18 in 11 minutes."

Best friends graduated from medical school at the same time and decided that, in spite of two different specialties, they would open a practice together to share office space and personnel. Dr. Smith was the psychiatrist and Dr. Jones was the proctologist. They put up a sign reading: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones: Hysterias and Posteriors."

The town council was livid and insisted they change it. So, the docs changed it to read: "Schizoids and Hemorrhoids."

This was also not acceptable, so they again changed the sign. "Catatonics and High Colonics" - No go.

Next, they tried "Manic Depressives and Anal Retentives" - thumbs down again.

Then came "Minds and Behinds" - still no good.

Another attempt resulted in "Lost Souls and Butt Holes" - unacceptable again!

So they tried "Analysis and Anal Cysts" - not a chance.

"Nuts and Butts" - no way.

"Freaks and Cheeks" - still no good.

"Loons and Moons" - forget it.

Almost at their wit's end, the docs finally came up with: "Dr. Smith and Dr. Jones - Specializing in Odds and Ends.

“A woman is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. Judge says, ‘First offender?’ She says, ‘No, first a Gibson! Then a Fender!’”

Two scientists walk into a bar:

"I'll have an H2O."

"I'll have an H2O, too."

The bartender gives them both water because he is able to distinguish the boundary tones that dictate the grammatical function of homonyms in coda position as well as pragmatic text.

Somewhere in Nigeria...

"I don't get it! I've sent like a million emails! It's free money for goodness sake!"

I recently read a statistic that 1 out of 3 people are cheating. I can't for the life of me figure out if it's my wife or my girlfriend.

SVreX wrote: Dad: You like Corvettes, right? Son: Yeah! Dad: Go look in the driveway. Son: OMG (driveway is empty) Dad: Nobody cares what you like, you better get to work.

Ftfy

You'd think Canadian Geese would be more polite and courteous.

Beer Baron wrote: You'd think Canadian Geese would be more polite and courteous.

Canada Geese are the biggest jerks in Canada.

In reply to GameboyRMH:

Don't you think many of them are actually american canada geese?

SVreX wrote: Imagine if there was a GPS that only used "Warmer" or "Colder" when giving directions! Recalculating....

I want it in a Mr T voice!!!!

"Your getting Warmer Fool"

"I pity the fool that is getting colder"

dean1484 wrote: "Your getting Warmer Fool" "I pity the fool that is getting colder"

Don't even think about taking me to the airport, sucka!

This thread has been too quiet so time to reawaken it.

Why do Elephants paint their testes red?
To hide up the cherry trees of course..
What makes the loudest noise in the jungle?
A Giraffe eating cherries..