In reply to Toyman01:
True story...
My Grandfather was deaf. Used sign language. But he was kind of mild mannered, and didn't like conflict.
My Grandmother, not so much.
When an argument got heated, he would look away. This would piss off my Grandmother terribly- she was know on many occasions to holler in frustration, "How can I argue with a deaf man who won't look at me?!?"
:-)
SVreX wrote: In reply to Toyman01: True story... My Grandfather was deaf. Used sign language. But he was kind of mild mannered, and didn't like conflict. My Grandmother, not so much. When an argument got heated, he would look away. This would piss off my Grandmother terribly- she was know on many occasions to holler in frustration, "How can I argue with a deaf man who won't look at me?!?" :-)
It works for me too. 
SVreX wrote: Introducing, The iVac! The first Apple product that doesn't suck!!
I finally fixed that annoying noise in my car... I opened the door, and pushed her out.
Chuck Norris threw a grenade and killed 50 people.
...then it exploded. 
It's simple to drive any woman wild with your tongue. It's pretty easy ... all you do is say, "Have you put on weight?"
What is green and has wheels?
...
...
...
...
grass. I was kidding about the wheels.
What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?
When scuba diving, it is important to fall backwards off the boat. This is because if you fell forwards, you would still be in the boat, and not in the water.
A duck walks into a bar. The bartender says "What can I getcha pal?" ... The rest of the bar patrons look strangely at the bartender. Everyone knows ducks can't talk. They shoo the duck out and leave quietly.
Two drums and then a cymbal fall off a cliff...
What is the difference between a prince and a tennis ball? One is heir to the throne, and the other is thrown into the air.
A rabbi, a priest, and a Lutheran minister walk into a bar. The bartender looks up and says, "Is this some kind of joke?"
Einstein developed a theory about space, and it was about time.
A bear walks into a restaurant and tells the waiter: I"ll have a grilled..... .... ..... cheese. The waiter says "why the pause?" The bear says "Because I'm a bear!"
What's the difference between a mountain goat and a goldfish?
Well, one spends his time mucking around the fountain....
Whats the difference between a peeping tom and a pick pocket?
One of them snatches watches.
The other....
Three nuns are sitting on a park bench. A man comes up and exposes himself to them. Two of them have a stroke. But the third one couldn't reach.
You guys need to find better things to do with your corn.
There was a Baptist preacher, Methodist preacher and a Presbyterian preacher and their wives coming back from a conference in a van. There was a guy in a E36 M3 cut them off and caused them to crash and it killed all six of the van passengers.
They all six go to Heaven and are standing in line at the pearly gates in front of St. Peter.
The Methodist preacher and his wife step forward first.
St. Peter says: "Hello, Preacher. Man terrible thing that happened to you all. I am sure you are good to go, but I have to check the book to see if I can let you in. You know the rules." St. Peter looks in the book and gasps, "Preacher I can't believe this but I have you down for a Mortal Sin! Says here you lusted after money. You never really had any but you lusted after it and that is just as bad. You lusted after it so bad that you wouldn't get married till you met a woman named Penny. I can't let you in. Sorry Preacher."
The Methodist preacher and his wife start walking away from the gates.
The Presbyterian preacher and his wife step up.
St. Peter says: "Hello, Preacher. I have to check the book to see if I can let you in, but I am sure you are good to go. You know the rules." St. Peter looks in the book and gasps even harder than before, "Preacher I can't believe this, but two Mortal Sins from Preachers in the same day! I have never seen this before!!!. It says here you lusted after alcohol. You never really had any but you lusted after it and that is just as bad. You lusted after it so bad that you wouldn't get married till you met a woman named Sherry. I can't let you in, Preacher. Sorry"
The Presbyterian preacher and his wife start walking away.
About this time the Baptist preacher turns to his wife and says: "Aw Hell, Fanny. Might as well get outta here."
A Priest and a Rabbi are riding on a plane side by side. The time passes slowly and the Priest, trying to pass some time decides to strike up a conversation with the Rabbi.
The Priest says: "Excuse me, Rabbi. But I understand that it is against your faith to eat pork. Is that true?"
The Rabbi says: "Yes Father, it is true. We of Jewish faith are not allowed to partake of the pigs."
Some time passes and the Priest asks: "Rabbi, have you ever went against your faith?"
The Rabbi bows his head and says: "Once. I ate a ham sandwich. It was good but not enough for me to question my faith so I haven't had any again."
Some more time passes and the Rabbi looks at the Father and says: "It is my understanding that it is against your faith to have sex, Father. Have you ever went against your faith?"
The Priest responds: "Yes it is. I have gone against my faith once Rabbi. I have begged for forgiveness and have not strayed from my faith since."
A few minutes pass and the Rabbi leans over to the Father and says: "Hell of allot better than a ham sandwich, isn't it?"
last night I dreamed I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
mapper wrote: last night I dreamed I was a muffler. I woke up exhausted.
I stayed up all night last night. Then it dawned on me!
So Cinderella wanted to go to the ball. Her Fairy Godmother showed up and gave her the dress the shoes the carriage and a diaphragm all made from the pumpkins laying on the ground.
"Cinderella," said the Fairy Godmother, "You must be back by midnight or everything turns back into pumpkins."
Cinderella agreed and off she went to the ball.
As midnight approached, Cinderella was nowhere to be found. The Fairy Godmother was getting worried.
Then came 1 am, 2 am, 3 am, about 3:30 Cinderella came staggering down the road. Her dress had reverted back to rags and remnants of pumpkin was everywhere.
The Fairy Godmother upset from being so scared yelled at Cinderella, "WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN? WHAT HAVE YOU BEEN DOING? WHO HAVE YOU BEEN WITH?"
Cinderella politely responded; "His name was Peter Peter something another."
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