Joke of the day

Credit goes to Farmtruck from Street Outlaws:

You know, marriage is like a card game.

You start out with 2 hearts and a diamond, you end up looking for a club and a spade.

What do frozen beer, burned pizza and pregnancy have in common?

Forgetting to pull out in time.

SaltyDog said:

Credit goes to Farmtruck from Street Outlaws:

You know, marriage is like a card game.

You start out with 2 hearts and a diamond, you end up looking for a club and a spade.

 

"Marriage is about the most expensive way for the average man to get laundry done." Burt Reynolds

akamcfly said:

SaltyDog said:

Credit goes to Farmtruck from Street Outlaws:

You know, marriage is like a card game.

You start out with 2 hearts and a diamond, you end up looking for a club and a spade.

 

"Marriage is about the most expensive way for the average man to get laundry done." Burt Reynolds

WIFE :

Washing

Ironing

F**king

Et Cetera 

In reply to RealMiniParker :

Yeah, but you still miss them when they're gone...

What's the difference between a chick pea and a potato?
You wouldn't pay to have a potato on you!

Q: How long have you been married?

A: So long that I don't even look both ways before I cross the street.

The waitress asks for their orders. The guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?"

"I'll have the same," says the ostrich.

A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $18.40 please." The man reaches into his pocket and, without looking, pulls out the exact change for payment.

The next day, the guy and the ostrich come again and the guy says, "A hamburger, fries, and a coke."

The ostrich says, "I'll have the same."

Again the guy reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes routine until one night they enter the restaurant and the waitress asks, "The usual?"

"No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato, and salad", says the guy.

"Me too," says the ostrich.

The waitress brings the order and says, "That will be $42.62."

Once again the guy pulls the exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?"

"Well," says the guy, "several years ago I was cleaning my attic and found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there."

"That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"

"That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the guy.

The waitress asks, "But, sir, what's with the ostrich?"

The guy sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say

Once upon a time, a powerful Emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new Chief Samurai...

After a year, only three applied for the job: a Japanese Samurai, a Chinese Samurai, and a Jewish Samurai.

“Demonstrate your skills!” commanded the Emperor.

The Japanese Samurai stepped forward, opened a tiny box, and released a fly.  He drew his

samurai sword and *Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two!

“What a feat!” said the Emperor. “Number Two Samurai, show me what you can do.”

The Chinese Samurai smiled confidently, stepped forward and opened a tiny box, releasing a fly.

He drew his samurai sword and *Swish! Swish!* the fly fell to the floor, neatly quartered.

“That is skill!” nodded the Emperor. “How are you going to top that, Number Three Samurai?”

The Jewish Samurai, Obi-wan Cohen, stepped forward, opened a tiny box releasing one fly, drew his

samurai sword and *Swoooooosh!* flourished his sword so mightily that a gust of wind blew through the room.

But the fly was still buzzing around!

In disappointment, the Emperor said, “What kind of skill is that? The fly isn’t even dead.”

“Dead?” replied the Jewish Samurai. “Dead is easy ~ but circumcised?”

Courtesy of my son: "Any salad can be a Cesar salad if you stab it enough times."

The doctor brings in a new born baby and hands it to the father, "I'm sorry, but your wife didn't make it"

The man looks down at the baby and hands it back to the doctor, "Well then, bring me the one she did make!" 

Three cows and their calves are out in the pasture.

The first calf asks it's mother  "Why am I named Rose?"

The mother says "Because when you were born a rose pedal fell on your head. That's why I named you Rose."

The second calf asks it's mother "Mama, why am I named Daisy?"

"Because when you were born a daisy pedal fell on your head, Sweetie"

The third calf goes up to it's mother and says "DUHHH,  HUURRRDERGH!!"

The mother replies "Shut up, Cinder Block"

What's Irish, and lives in your back yard?

Patty O'Furniture.

I walked in the kitchen and found a note on the fridge:

”This isn’t working. I’m going to stay with my mother for a few days.”

I opened the fridge, but the beer was still cold. 

After 25 years together with the same guys the leader of an Ellington-style big band decides that Phil, the drummer and one of his oldest friends, has to go; the guy drags, is constantly starting songs too slow and ending them even slower, comes in late and misses cues... he's basically a mess.

So, the chat is had, at which the poor distraught drummer begs for another chance, promising to pick up the tempo, put more energy into his playing... well, OK, then.

Another few weeks pass by but the problems remain; constantly slowing down, dragging the band and the music, always missing cues and coming in after the rest of the band and, at one gig, even showing up late.

Another chat is had; Phil, I gotta let you go.

Completely shattered, Phil wanders out and throws himself behind a train.

Three hunters hire a float plane and fly to a remote mountain lake. "We're after bear. Return in three days to take us out", they instruct the pilot.

Three days later, the pilot circles the lake, sees the hunters waving from the dock. He turns up wind and glides to the surface of the calm lake and taxis to the warf.

There are three huge bears piled on the boards and the pilot says, "Wow! You guys did good! Man those are large...I think I can only take two in one trip and the last one in a trip. I'll have to charge you for the extra trip."

"No way!", shouts Herman, "You told us one trip in and one trip out. That's all we're payin' for."

"Can't do it. Too much weight" exclaims the pilot.

"Well last year our pilot put us all in at the same time, and we had just as much bear then." said Paul. "Much better pilot, I'd say".

"No one is better than me!" replied the pilot, "load them up!"

So they did.

The pilot started the 7 cylinder radial engine, and as the blue smoke wafted away he brought the plane into the wind and aimed for the far shore of the lake. The engine warmed up, the flaps set to full, the throttle to the wall and the plane skimmed over the choppy surface of the lake as sprays of diamond like water drops flew up from the floats to glisten like fire in the early morning sun.

By this time they were in the middle of the lake.

The pilot eased back on the stick, the nose came up slightly, but the floats would not give up their hold on the fresh water. Farther and farther back on the stick, hand pushing the already advanced throttle against the dash. Up, up but only a couple of inches before the plane flew into the rocky shore and the engine spewing gravel as the plane went nose over tail into the brush.

Oh, it were a terrible sight to behold! guns and camping gear and bears and hunters spewed out into the morning sunshine. The sound of water lapping the shore, a loon circling to its nest after being scared away by the calamity.

And the sound of a groan. Then the call "Ed! Hey, Ed!"

"Yeah, I'm here. You O.K.?"

"I think so, how far did we get?"

Ed looks around the across the lake and says, "About 20 yards further than last year."

Women used to call me ugly, then they found out how much money I make.

Now, they call me ugly and poor.

Jesus drove a Honda, but never bragged about it. As the bible said, he never spoke of his own Accord.

Dog heaven and squirrel hell are probably the same place. 

While riding my Harley, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful woman who asked, "Are you okay?" 

As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look.

She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.” 

"That's nice of you," I answered, "but I don't think my wife will like me doing that!" 

"Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." 

Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." 

We arrived at her place which was just a few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." 

"Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set of boobs I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" 

"Still in the ditch with my Harley, I guess."

I asked my friend who's a bitcoin investor if I could have 10 bucks.

He said, "Thirteen bucks?  What do you need 8 bucks for?"

A man is driving down the road, and his car breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"  The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, even fix his car. As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound unlike anything he's ever heard before. A sound so beautiful, yet unknown... He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a seductive sound.  The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk." Distraught, the man is forced to leave. Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again. The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."  The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."  The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find these answers, you will have become a monk."  The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns as a gray-haired old man and knocks on the door of the monastery. A monk answers. He is taken before a gathering of all the monks."  In my quest to find what makes that beautiful sound, I traveled the earth and have found what you asked for: By design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you ask. All a man can know is himself, and only if he is honest, reflective and willing to strip away self deception."  The monks reply, "Congratulations. You have become a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sacred sound."  The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door." The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door is another door made of stone. The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby. And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, pearl and diamond. Finally, they come to a door made of solid gold. The sound has become very clear and definite. The monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."  The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind that door! With trembling hands, he unlocks the door, turns the knob, and slowly pushes the door open. Falling to his knees, he is utterly amazed to discover the source of that haunting and seductive sound......But, of course, I can't tell you what it is... because you're not a monk.

Can someone please explain French to me?

- It’s Spanish, but you speak it in cursive. 

- You have 11 letters. You pronounce 4 of them. 

- Learn to speak Spanish.  Now learn to speak Italian.  Now subtract the Spanish from the Italian.  You are left with French.

- Latin, but then make it fashion.

- Cover the second half of the word, squint, and pronounce only the vowels you think you see.

- Gargling, but with air.

Sex throughout your married life....

When you first get married, you have anywhere sex.  Kitchen table, laundry room, stairwell, anywhere

As life moves on you new have bedroom sex, That's the only place it happens now

As the years pass and the magic has faded, you now only ave hallway sex. You walk past eachother in the hall and say Berk you

Three rings of marriage.  

First comes  the engagement ring, then comes  the wedding ring, last of all comes the suffer-ring. 

My Bible study class didn’t appreciate this joke either.