I wish Google Maps had an "Avoid Ghetto" routing option.
Nothing s*cks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong.
I don't understand the purpose of the line, "I don't need to drink to have fun." Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they've invented the lighter?
There is a great need for sarcasm font.
Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
Bad decisions make good stories
Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat b@st@rd before dinner.
And my favorite:
Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn't work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ's. We just figured it out. Today's kids are soft.
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Sept. 9, 2009 8:45 p.m. DrBoost HalfDork
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Sept. 9, 2009 8:52 p.m. Toyman01 HalfDork
That's pretty random.
Funny though...
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Sept. 9, 2009 9:00 p.m. MrJoshua SuperDork
Double space before enter gives you a new line. Or double enter.
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Sept. 9, 2009 9:02 p.m. aussiesmg SuperDork
take a breath mate
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Sept. 9, 2009 9:09 p.m. Volksroddin Dork
now days you can take a drink and then wh0re post away. by the time you wake up the next day your "freinds" might have ansird what ever happen'd?
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Sept. 9, 2009 9:16 p.m. jbone New Reader
W00t
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Sept. 9, 2009 9:29 p.m. confuZion3 SuperDork
That was hilarious, by the way.
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Sept. 9, 2009 9:47 p.m. stuart in mn SuperDork
The list has been trimmed down some...the first time I saw this there were 40 or 50 thoughts.
LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.
Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.
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Sept. 9, 2009 11:17 p.m. EastCoastMojo Dork
Driving two inches off my bumper is not likely to make me go any faster.
When people say, "To be honest with you..." it makes me wonder when exactly they are not.
Just because you can do something, doesn't mean you should.
The times when you are in the biggest hurry are the times when you should be appreciating the journey.
Don't mess around with brazen raccoons. -
Sept. 10, 2009 12:03 a.m. mtn SuperDork
The rest of the random thoughts
There is a great need for sarcasm font.
Sometimes, I'll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what the f * ck was going on when I first saw it.
I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I'll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone's laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I'm still the only one who really, really gets it.
The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that's is when I realized, yup, that's a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can re cognize their own image.
How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?
I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
I think part of a best friend's job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.
The only time I look forward to a red light is when I'm trying to finish a text.
A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it. Was learning cursive really necessary?
Lol has gone from meaning, "laugh out loud" to "I have nothing else to say".
I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
My brother's Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, "Cuz we beat you, and you hate us." Classy, bro.
Whenever someone says "I'm not book smart, but I'm street smart", all I hear is "I'm not real smart, but I'm imaginary smart".
How many times is it appropriate to say "What?" before you just nod and smile because you still didn't hear what they said?
I love the sense of camaraderie when a n entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting=2 0in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!
Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using 'as in' examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss's last name to an attorney and said "Yes that's G as in...(10 second lapse)..ummm...Goonies"
What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?
While driving=2 0yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it...thanks Mario Kart.
MapQ uest really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.
I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.
Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
I can't remember the last time I wasn't at least kind of tired.
Bad decisions make good stories
Whenever I'm Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don't mind if I do!
Is it just me or do high school girls get sl*ttier & sl*ttier every year?
If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring=2 0would probably just be completely invisible.
Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I'm from, this shouldn't be a problem....
You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you've made up your mind that you just aren't doing anything productive for the rest of the day.
Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I=2 0don't want to have to restart my collection.
There's no worse feeling than that millisecond you're sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
"Do not machine wash or tumble dry" means I will never wash this ever.
I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There's so much pressure. 'I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren't watching this. It's only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?'
While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA. No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don't win, they are executed.
I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Damnit!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What'd you do after I didn't answer? Drop the phone and run away?
I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste. When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it's on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.
Why is a school zone 20 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles...
As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
Sometimes I'll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.
It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
I think that if, years down the road when I'm trying to have a kid, I find out that I'm sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.
Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn't know what do to with it.
Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey - but I'd bet my @ss everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time...
My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day "Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?" How the hell do I respond to that?
It really p*sses me=2 0off when I want to read a story on <a href="http://CNN.com" rel="nofollow">CNN.com</a> and the link takes me to a video instead of text.
I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.
I think the freezer deserves a light as well.
I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.
The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimate d that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There's nothing like being made to feel like a fat b*stard before dinner. -
Sept. 10, 2009 12:09 a.m. mtn SuperDork
Why does it go in and out of the typewriter font?
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Sept. 10, 2009 7:44 a.m. Tim Baxter Online Editor
MrJoshua wrote:
Double space before enter gives you a new line. Or double enter.
Yes. Two SPACES, like this _ _ (if those were spaces instead of lines) will tell it you want a carriage return. Double enter (two returns) tells it you want a new paragraph, which works, but it's a bit spaced out.
The typewriter font is preformatted text. You told it you wanted that when you indented several spaces. Preformatted text is handy for some things, like formulas, but here on the board I really should probably take it out.
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Sept. 10, 2009 8:47 a.m. slantvaliant HalfDork
Don't get it on your hootus.
Ever notice how the car door sounds as you lock the keys inside?
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Sept. 10, 2009 9:25 a.m. NYG95GA SuperDork
I love the one about "plastic silverware".
Just what the heck is that? The world's greatest oxymoron?
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Sept. 10, 2009 9:33 a.m. Tim Baxter Online Editor
When someone says "I don't mean to be a jerk" they're about to be.
When someone says "I'm just saying" they just were.
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Sept. 10, 2009 9:38 a.m. Wally UberDork
If you don't know where your going how should I?
No, you can't have a cheese quesadilla.
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Sept. 10, 2009 9:58 a.m. aussiesmg SuperDork
My real life recent favorite, my MIL calls me and says "I'm lost can you help me?"
me, "Where are you?"
her, "I don't know"
me, " No, I can't help you"
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Sept. 10, 2009 10:17 a.m. Autolex Reader
did you get a few of these from mydrunktexts.com?
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Sept. 10, 2009 11:31 a.m. mtn SuperDork
Autolex wrote:
did you get a few of these from mydrunktexts.com?
I got all of these in an email, but i recognized at least one from FML.
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Sept. 10, 2009 11:41 a.m. maroon92 UltraDork
I recognize some from TextsFromLastNight.com
"Why are there Interstate Highways in Hawaii?"
"Why is pants plural? And don't say cuz they have two legs, my T-shirt has two sleeves, and you don't hear me calling it a pair of shirts"
"Why is there Braille on a drive-up ATM?" -
Sept. 10, 2009 1:02 p.m. pete240z Dork
Tim Baxter wrote:
When someone says "I don't mean to be a jerk" they're about to be.
When someone says "I'm just saying" they just were.
In sales we tend to stop a conversation with "let me be honest with you....."
at that point I pull the "you've been lying to me all this while?"
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Sept. 13, 2009 8:19 p.m. HiTempguy Reader
Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.
I laughed simply because it is so true.
I'm always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.
Hate this SO much, even if you just made a change and already saved, you might have hit a key or something (more worrisome in programming).
When someone says "I'm just saying" they just were.
.Thats why I was say "I'm just sayin' I'm just sayin'"
In sales we tend to stop a conversation with "let me be honest with you....."
at that point I pull the "you've been lying to me all this while?"
My favourite is, "Are you F*&king kidding me?!" With which I reply, "No, I'm f*&king f*&king you"
I get looks from that one, but its such a ridiculous statement/question!
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Sept. 13, 2009 9:47 p.m. curtis73 HalfDork
I like how you can say anything if you preface it with "bless his heart."
Like, "Bless her heart, but she is uglier than vomit."
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Sept. 13, 2009 9:52 p.m. confuZion3 SuperDork
curtis73 wrote:
I like how you can say anything if you preface it with "bless his heart."
Like, "Bless her heart, but she is uglier than vomit."
Or if you're talking to someone, you say "no offense".
"No offense, but your cooking tastes worse than a used baby diaper."
--Or--
"No offense, but your face reminds me of my St. Bernard's rear end."
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Sept. 13, 2009 10:42 p.m. SVreX PowerDork
DrBoost wrote:
I keep some people's phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.
I actually STORE some numbers (like salesmen, and autodialers) under the name "Don't Answer".
