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Jay
Jay UltraDork
8/26/11 11:12 p.m.

Oh boy rant time! Everyone likes rants right? Well here you go.

Rant number one: "twenty eleven." Or, more accurately to its usual pronunciation, "twenny uh-lev'n." Yes, we said "nineteen ninety-six." We said "sixteen thirty." We set sci-fi in "twenty one sixty seven." BUT. The two thousands DON'T WORK THAT WAY. You wouldn't say "twenty hundred and eleven", would you? You wouldn't even think of saying it in any context unrelated to the year, but somehow when the date comes up everyone goes straight to yokel town. Maybe it's because I just came over from Europe, where no one would dream of saying this numerical abomination out loud, but DAMN it's irritating! Try it with me, "two thousand eleven." Repeat. That wasn't so hard was it?

Worst offender (probably the source of the whole problem): TV news anchors. THEY ARE INGRATES STOP PARROTING FROM THEM.

Rant number two: I have just been prevented from printing a BLACK AND WHITE text document because the printer is out of CYAN INK. Where did it go? I don't know! I can't even see that freaking colour! Consumer-grade printer manufacturers are THE EPITOME of tech shysters. The printers themselves have roughly the same build quality as off-brand toilet paper (see rant number three) and you're expected to pay nosebleed prices for crappy ink which dries in two weeks after you've printed three pages with it. That is, if the date-coded chip in the cartridge hasn't BLOCKED YOU FROM USING IT FOR NO REASON YET. Future archaeologists are going to have a hell of a time figuring out what our mountainous landfills of discarded printers were for. And yet we the plebs are supposed to reduce waste by composting our potato peels and recycling our beer bottle caps? Somebody go after these chuckleheads! If I'm ever at a party, and I meet someone who says they're the product manager for a major printer maker I will PUNCH THEM IN THE THROAT UNTIL THEY COUGH UP THEIR TONSILS.

Worst offenders: Epson. Canon. HP. Lexmark. Oh dear god Lexmark. Punch punch punch punch punch. Roundhouse kick. Then more punching.

Rant number three: toilet paper. HEY LISTEN UP GUYS. I don't want "pillowy soft". I don't want a billion plies. I want paper that has ONE STRONG ply and a bit of a textured surface so that I can get some scrubbing action, and doesn't instantly disintegrate the moment it touches a drop of water, or tear and leave me with poo on my fingers. I like to make my paper wet when I'm wiping my butt for better cleaning and I know I'm not the only one. It's called hygene. If your paper shreds itself, sticks to my nether hairs, or leaves little white rolls of itself in my briefs, I'M GOING TO FIND YOUR OFFICE AND MAKE YOU EAT IT. Also, STOP PUTTING FREAKING PERFUME IN IT it's toilet paper and it's going to stink as soon as I use it for its intended purpose! No one's going to be sniffing down there for a hint of your "spring fresh lavender" except dogs and they don't care. If I get a perfume rash on my butt, I then have to scratch it, usually in public, and then I'm one of those people. Knock it off!

Worst offender: Royale. WHY ARE THERE KITTENS ON THE BAG IT'S NOT MADE OF KITTENS IT GOES ON MY ASS AND THAT'S THAT. Kittens do not go there.

I'm sure I'll think of more soon.

moxnix
moxnix Reader
8/26/11 11:23 p.m.

Printers - There is a reason I switched to a black and white laser printer for home use years ago.

I am willing to pay for any color printing I need done at a local copy shop.

With the price of color laser printers continuing to come down when my black and white printer dies (7+ years and only on the second toner cartridge) I will likely just get a color laser.

I support a bunch of HP inkjets at work and they run into the same problems you listed all the time.

Osterkraut
Osterkraut SuperDork
8/26/11 11:32 p.m.
Jay wrote: Oh boy rant time! Everyone likes rants right? Well here you go. Rant number one: "twenty eleven." Or, more accurately to its usual pronunciation, "twenny uh-lev'n." Yes, we said "nineteen ninety-six." We said "sixteen thirty." We set sci-fi in "twenty one sixty seven." BUT. The two thousands DON'T WORK THAT WAY. You wouldn't say "twenty hundred and eleven", would you? You wouldn't even think of saying it in any context unrelated to the year, but somehow when the date comes up everyone goes straight to yokel town. Maybe it's because I just came over from Europe, where no one would dream of saying this numerical abomination out loud, but DAMN it's irritating! Try it with me, "two thousand eleven." Repeat. That wasn't so hard was it?

If I had to leave work at 2011, and said "two thousand eleven," I can't imagine the strange looks I would get. Does Europe really do Zulu time saying two thousand?

ncjay
ncjay Reader
8/27/11 2:25 a.m.

Rant? I have a few. GET OUT OF THE LEFT LANE! Stop driving 55 mph in the left lane. Your car does not have to come to a complete stop before it can negotiate a turn. Get out of the left lane. Turn off your high beams. When the light turns green, you are supposed to accelerate, not just sit there and stare at the light. Hey, it's an interstate highway, 40 mph just doesn't work out here. Pick up the pace or stay home! Don't drive to the end of a highway entrance ramp and then stop. Newscasters- stop telling me how important you are. You're a half step up from a trained monkey. If monkeys could talk, they'd be doing your job. Ditto for all the weather people. And get out of the left lane!

Zomby woof
Zomby woof SuperDork
8/27/11 2:41 a.m.

News anchors? What about the weather? Why is it a chance of showers, but a risk of thunderstorms? They ALL say it and it drives me nuts.

92CelicaHalfTrac
92CelicaHalfTrac SuperDork
8/27/11 7:20 a.m.

If i'm quoted $15/tire for a mount and balance over the phone...

Basic math would tell me that 15x4=! 97.47

Rip off somebody else.

And NO i don't need new wiper blades goddamnit, i JUST REPLACED THOSE LAST WEEK.

How the berkeley are you going to recommend i get new wiper blades when any idiot can look at them and see that they're new. Oh wait. You didn't look. You just wanted to see the extra $31.98 come in.

egnorant
egnorant Dork
8/27/11 7:28 a.m.

The Weather forecast that shows a bit of a temperature drop (below 100)....but it is 5 days away. Next day, the forecast is adjusted and the temperature drop is 5 days away. Repeat for 50 days and the temperature drop is now only 4 days away! Should be only 104 degrees today.

I would be losing my mind if the total fruits of my schooling and labor would be that my team and I said HOT twice a day for 2 months!

Bruce in East Texas

mad_machine
mad_machine SuperDork
8/27/11 7:53 a.m.

my rant is local.

I am a light sleeper.. and I like to sleep with the windows open at night (I rarely use AirCon even during the day). One of my neighbors lets her dog out twice a night. Once around 11pm and again around 5ish when she gets up. The rant is, she trained her dog to come when she claps.

So twice a night I get to deal with somebody clapping loudly.. and it would not bad, but the dog doesn't always come.. so I can get applause for 2 to 3 minutes.

Another local rant has to do with my next door neighbor who evacuated yesterday.She left all her crap outside. Lawn furniture, decorations, nicknacks. It's bad enough that I think her yard looks tacky at best.. now all that crap is going to be everwhere.

moxnix
moxnix Reader
8/27/11 8:55 a.m.
mad_machine wrote: Another local rant has to do with my next door neighbor who evacuated yesterday.She left all her crap outside. Lawn furniture, decorations, nicknacks. It's bad enough that I think her yard looks tacky at best.. now all that crap is going to be everwhere.

Sounds like it is time for the "Wind" to blow all that stuff away to the local garbage dump.

hotrodlarry
hotrodlarry Reader
8/27/11 9:24 a.m.

This happens almost everyday.... I shoulda been a teacher.

if you call me up asking for prices of parts,and I give you said prices.. don't freaking ask me what the total would be. Any intelligent person would be able to do the math and not waste my time by keeping me on the phone adding it up for you. Grrrr...

93EXCivic
93EXCivic SuperDork
8/27/11 9:34 a.m.

Sorry. I ain't saying two thousand eleven. I am going to keep saying twenty eleven.

I agree about the toilet paper though.

914Driver
914Driver SuperDork
8/27/11 10:12 a.m.

Damn Jay, 28 days already?

DrBoost
DrBoost SuperDork
8/27/11 10:39 a.m.

Hey guys, can you quote the entire toilet paper rant in "Say What"?
That was pure freaking genius!

mad_machine
mad_machine SuperDork
8/27/11 10:43 a.m.

I agree with 2 thousand eleven. It's no harder to say, and it is more correct

ThePhranc
ThePhranc New Reader
8/27/11 1:18 p.m.

I'd like to rant against midatlantic weather panicers. Just because there is going to be a few inches of snow does not mean you need 3 weeks of milk and toilet paper. Just because there is a hurricane coming does not mean you need 3 weeks of milk and toilet paper.

mad_machine
mad_machine SuperDork
8/27/11 2:01 p.m.

too true. I was at the store to get some canned goods in case we go without power for a couple of days... there was no bread, milk, eggs, or toilet paper.

So they can make French Toast and E36 M3 it out later

Giant Purple Snorklewacker
Giant Purple Snorklewacker SuperDork
8/27/11 2:02 p.m.
Zomby woof wrote: News anchors? What about the weather?

I AM STANDING ON THE BEACH IN WIND WITH MY COLUMBIA RAIN SLICKER CRACKLING TO TELL YOU IRENE IS A STORM!!!

Why do these asshats need to stand out on the beach in the wind and rain screaming into a mic on every single newscast? We kinda know what a category 1 storm looks like. Unless you are 3 or younger. Then you wouldn't remember the last time.

Zomby woof
Zomby woof SuperDork
8/27/11 2:44 p.m.

Ect.

Would you people please stop it? You're driving me crazy. It's 3 letters. Make an effort.

mad_machine
mad_machine SuperDork
8/27/11 2:56 p.m.

ECT?

Giant Purple Snorklewacker
Giant Purple Snorklewacker SuperDork
8/27/11 3:02 p.m.

I like to follow etc. with an ellipse. Like "etc...." so you can sense how there are more options and my thoughts kind of trail ... off.....

Zomby woof
Zomby woof SuperDork
8/27/11 3:24 p.m.
mad_machine wrote: ECT?
Name withheld to protect the guilty said: bosting a 2 stoke is not easy if it was not designed for it. you end up losing power due to blow down ect.

While we're at it, how about " I feel". "I feel that my car isn't running right", or even worse, "I feel like my car isn't running right"

The_Jed
The_Jed Reader
8/27/11 3:33 p.m.

People who grab the inside of the steering wheel.

The_Jed
The_Jed Reader
8/27/11 3:35 p.m.

People who say "Hunnerd" and "Warsh".

mad_machine
mad_machine SuperDork
8/27/11 4:37 p.m.

ah.. ECT... I use ETC

ncjay
ncjay Reader
8/27/11 5:05 p.m.

My town - Kannapolis, N.C. The whole world's broke and noone has any money, but these geniuses have built a stage almost dead center of town, surrounded by houses, and think nothing of holding concerts and shooting off fireworks late into the night. Hey! Never mind many of us have to work for a living and are trying to sleep. If I played my radio that loud the cops would be knocking on my door pretty darn quickly and rightfully so. And why is there a need to shoot off fireworks when there's not even a holiday? Used to be the 4th of July and that was it. Now, it seems that it's o.k. to set some off any old darn time. The town would be better off taking some of that firework money and using it to repair some of the roads. There's a road that got washed out over a year ago. Fix it? Heck no!! Just put up some signs and let people drive around. This used to be a real nice place to live.

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