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ddavidv PowerDork
10/1/18 3:59 p.m.
spitfirebill said:

In reply to frenchyd :

The original post says she left for a boyfriend.  

It's very common for women to have another branch to swing to before serving papers or confessing they aren't haaaaapppy.

Joe Gearin
Joe Gearin Associate Publisher
10/1/18 4:21 p.m.

He needs to lawyer up and stay patient during the upcoming battle.  I've had a few friends that were ridden over the coals by their ex's.  These women had the divorce proceedings drawn out over an extended time.  Both of these guys finally lost their wits, and said  "FINE, I just want this to be over"   This is a big mistake, and they are both paying for it dearly.  Women hold the upper hand in these proceedings, he'll have to be careful, patient, and calm.  He can't do this alone--- he needs legal council.

He should also check to see if she's opened any credit cards on their dual-account that he doesn't know about.  Regardless if this is news to him.....he'll owe 1/2 of the balance.   When someone very close to me finally got a divorce, he found his wife had run up $72K of credit card debit he didn't know about.   He was responsible for 1/2 of that....even though he didn't spend a dime of it.   

I hope it all works out for him.  He's in for a rough ride it seems.  

oldopelguy UberDork
10/1/18 5:55 p.m.

He should also be canceling or suspending any unnecessary services or utilities in his name, like cable, internet, phone, satellite radio, tv streaming services, game accounts, etc... He can live without them for a while, they rack up fees quickly, and generally are the worst about offering any relief.  In addition he needs to change passwords for anything that can bill to him like Amazon or Google pay that she might be able to charge to, along with all his banking and identity online accounts like Facebook or LinkedIn to prevent false postings that could hurt him later. 

A trip to the local branch of the bank holding the mortgage should be all it takes to get payments set up for that from an account she can't access,  especially if that's where he does his banking.  Essentially he wants the little old lady treatment.  

Personally I would also be checking things like her car and such and if it was in my name only I would be reporting it stolen. Same for marital assets that should rightfully be mine, there would be a list made and I'd want as much as I could on the list that pawn shops use to check for stolen goods. 


MadScientistMatt PowerDork
10/2/18 7:09 a.m.
jmthunderbirdturbo said:

scrape together a grand in cash, and walk to the nearest hitman willing to take a cheap shot? 

As you'd need a really good lawyer in that case, you might as well cut out that step and find a really good lawyer to begin with. He's likely to obtain much more satisfying revenge if he starts with a lawyer - I suspect a divorce court judge isn't going to be all that sympathetic with how his wife has gone about setting up a divorce, particularly if he gets a paper trail now.

I don't have much else to recommend other than to echo the good advice others have given - stop direct deposit for his paycheck, lawyer up, and trace where that money went. Help him remember that she's sacrificed getting a good long term settlement for short term inflicting misery - he needs to be playing the long game here, and position himself to convince the court that he's the adult in the room here.

dean1484 MegaDork
10/2/18 7:39 a.m.

My one bit of advice is to do everything with the kids best interest in mind and document that. That is the number one thing that the courts will be looking at. 

AngryCorvair MegaDork
10/2/18 9:17 a.m.
dean1484 said:

My one bit of advice is to do everything with the kids best interest in mind and document that. That is the number one thing that the courts will be looking at. 

word.  stopping payments on things, ending subscriptions, changing passwords, etc.   every single thing he does should be documented in his notes as being done to promote financial security to better provide for the kid.   or some more lawyerly words that say convey that idea.

914Driver MegaDork
10/2/18 9:31 a.m.

Be aware of your FB posts, forum rants etc., could come back on you.  Your lawyer would certainly use hers against her, right?

pinchvalve MegaDork
10/2/18 10:16 a.m.

I know the jail time sucks, and I am surprised that he was in for 3 days, GA is different than PA I suppose. But there is a good reason for it.  Most states have domestic abuse laws on the books that require the police to arrest the other party when a complaint is filed.  Even if the complaint is withdrawn, the police still have to make the arrest because so many battered individuals are scared and controlled by their significant other.  It is a good practice that helps protect people from their attacker, but the system is often used to an accuser's advantage in a divorce situation. 

The critical thing to remember is that the police also have to note the state of the parties involved and document any physical evidence on either party or at the scene, such as signs of a struggle etc.  Even without physical evidence, mental abuse and verbal threats are damaging, so he will want to get his side of the story on record and he must remain as calm as possible during all proceedings from here on out.  He has to show that he is the victim, and bring every crazy and harmful thing she has done and is doing to the record.  Taking a kid out of state, making false accusations, infidelity, touching shared finances...all bad moves on her part but only if documented with proof.   

It will suck, but he needs to get a lawyer and fight hard for his fair share, especially custody time. 

Ovid_and_Flem SuperDork
10/2/18 3:58 p.m.

Lots of solid advice here as a practical matter. But I suspect there's a little more to the story if he was held for 3 days. Maybe something as simple as took him that long to raise bail. Usually you have a bond hearing within 24 hours, usually more likely 12. Don't get me wrong. I'm sympathetic to his plight and he may be totally innocent. But it would be unusual to lock a a person up for 3 days on just a heated verbal argument. Hope it works out for him.

Right off the bat, the version of the story that says wife presented him with papers ordering him to get out of house in 30 minutes completely violates the procedure necessary to afford due process. No court issues papers to allow one-party to directly serve the other one with any such notice. It would have to be delivered by a process server, usually a deputy or constable, to be valid. She may have stuck papers in his face but they carry no legal weight delivered according to the story being told. Had he just suppress his anger and said I'm going to have a beer and read over this and walked into the backyard and sat on a lawn chair it's unlikely he would have spent three days in jail.

kazoospec UltraDork
10/3/18 7:14 a.m.

One of the more unfortunate portions of my job is that I'm required to review the pleadings in every domestic case on the Court's docket to make sure my office doesn't need to appear.  One thing I can tell your friend with no hesitation is, if it's going to happen, GET IT OVER WITH.  An ugly divorce is sort of like a war, the longer it drags on, the less value remains after it's over.  Seeing pages and pages of pleadings, motions and hearings (all created and executed at $200/hour or more) over a few percentage points of a pension plan or a couple thousand in residual value from a home sale makes me wonder what these people are thinking.  The only ones "winning" are the lawyers.  Your friend needs to understand it's a mutual knife fight, the longer you stay in trying to hurt the other person, the more damage you (AND YOUR CHILD) are going to take.  Offer up a reasonable (or even more than reasonable) settlement and GET OUT!

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