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Login to post Forums » Off-topic discussion » Semi-NSFW Adult Related Romance Advice

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Nov. 4, 2009 4:10 p.m. PHeller HalfDork

Oh yes, I'm going here.

I was asked this by a friend of mine,

"Would you get involved with someone (a girl) who was opposed to or couldn't take birth control?"

As a young fellow who has no intent on getting married immediately and wants to enjoy being young, this question stuck me pretty good. With the thread of "Soul Searching" it made me wonder, do I want to put myself into that position?

Now granted, I dont go whoring myself out, but lets say I find a girl who I really enjoy being with, we move in together, get serious, get engaged, but don't want to have kids prematurely. Even if I do everything right, there is still a fairly high chance of failure (or success depending on how you look at it.)

Do I avoid those girls who are opposed to contraception? Is that fair to them? Is that fair to me? Or do I just be a good boy and abstain until I know whether I could handle a kid? The latter is tempting fate in my opinion.

Anywho, I can understand if the Moderators don't like this topic because it'll probably digress into PITB and other nonsensical responses, so feel free to delete if necessary.

Just looking for some mature info from the best group of online buddies I've got.
Nov. 4, 2009 4:20 p.m. AngryCorvair SuperDork

opposed to or couldn't take birth control does not equal no contraception. which is it? condoms, diaphragms, sponges, IUDs (not IEDs), etc, there are tons of choices that aren't "the pill".
Nov. 4, 2009 4:27 p.m. Giant Purple Snorklewacker Dork

PIIHB
Nov. 4, 2009 4:27 p.m. cxhb Reader

I don't think its really fair to the girl if she "can't" take birth control. But like angrycorvair said, there are other forms of contraception.
Nov. 4, 2009 4:27 p.m. cxhb Reader

Giant Purple Snorklewacker wrote:

PIIHB

WIN.
Nov. 4, 2009 4:31 p.m. PHeller HalfDork

I was posing my the question assuming male contraception would be used properly and all the time.
Nov. 4, 2009 4:36 p.m. jrw1621 Dork

It's all on you. No matter what she says, wrap it.
Nov. 4, 2009 4:43 p.m. JFX001 Dork

No glove,no love.
Nov. 4, 2009 4:44 p.m. PHeller HalfDork

See I've got plenty of friends who've done that with success.

I've also got a few friends who ended up having kids because of that.

IUD's are still hormones, aren't they? The context of the question would have me thinking that the problem with any hormone based female contraception would be affecting a woman in a negative way (or at least that's what they may think). Maybe the good doctor could dissuade that idea.

I've actually met women who didn't want to take the pill or any hormone posed contraception because it "effed with their system" and made them gain weight, among other things.

I've never really dated a girl who didn't take it, and those who I did I was not intimate with.

The question just made me think, what if I meet a girl who I really dig and things go well, progress into a sexual relationship, and hit a barrier (no pun intended) on how to go about preventing lots of little GRMers from running around.

I would agree that their are other options, but whether they are inviting or not is another story.
Nov. 4, 2009 4:46 p.m. cxhb Reader

Double bag it? no seriously though.. dont do that....
Nov. 4, 2009 4:53 p.m. Apexcarver UltraDork

If it really got serious and you wanted to get married and play for a few years before having kids...

vasectomies are reversible...

just sayin..

or cant you have some little swimmers frozen in case you want kids and just go with the snip?

this is only in the case of ultra serious relationship though.
Nov. 4, 2009 5:11 p.m. rebelgtp Dork

PHeller wrote:

I was posing my the question assuming male contraception would be used properly and all the time.

Trust me that does not always work
Nov. 4, 2009 5:15 p.m. carguy123 Dork

Let me see, no contraceptive has been the norm for most of human history so she wants you to go back in time. Does she also want you to ride horses, burn wood or coal and do without electricity?

A kid's not a misteak and it's not something that goes away. So DON'T.

Remember you were a kid at one time.
Nov. 4, 2009 5:46 p.m. zoomx2 Reader

As a responsible young adult, contraception should always be YOUR responsibility whether she is taking the pill or not. As much as you are focusing on the pregnancy factor, STD's are far more serious. Her Taking the pill should be a non-issue as you should be taking the required precautions to protect yourself in spite of what she tells you she may or may not be doing. When the relationship has progressed to a more mature level (i.e. outta the bunny humping stage) then you guys can discuss contraception together.

FWIW, a lot of women won't take birth control because of the unknown factor of what it is doing to their systems and the increased risk of more serious complications.
Nov. 4, 2009 5:57 p.m. Chebbie_SB HalfDork

You are forgetting that some people are also extremely sensitive to latex, so some have to use the single use "Non-latex" male contraceptive....
Nov. 4, 2009 6:04 p.m. wlkelley3 HalfDork

Wouldn't bother me now as I've been snipped.

IUD is not a hormone. Look into it a bit more. Tricks the egg into thinking one is already attached so it won't attach and basically goes away. Simplified but you get the concept. But in this day and age there are many alternatives. Double bagging like one on you and one (diaphragms) on her.
Nov. 4, 2009 6:10 p.m. SVreX PowerDork

Apexcarver wrote:

vasectomies are reversible...

Theoretically, but frequently not in practice.

First off, no doctor will ever suggest a V without considering it permanent.

Secondly, a reversal frequently doesn't work. The doctors make it quite clear that there are no promises.

Thirdly, a V is an in-office outpatient procedure that generally costs a couple of hundred bucks. A reversal is usually done under general anesthetic in a hospital and costs upwards of $25,000. Isurance never pays, because it is considered elective surgery. Therefore, it is often financially prohibitive to ever consider reversal.

I speak from experience. I've had both.
Nov. 4, 2009 6:19 p.m. SVreX PowerDork

You must accept responsibility, not her.

Don't count on her to protect you from the "consequences" so you can get your jollies.

Having sufficiently offended by saying that, don't rule out abstinence. It is responsible, and honorable. You might be a bit surprised how wonderful a relationship can be that is not all wrapped up in the intricacies of sex. I know a lot of young people who are succeeding greatly at this.

I never considered hormonal options for my wife. I think it shows a high level of respect for your partner to elevate her concerns and needs (emotional, fears about hormonal stuff, etc.) above your own physical needs. There are other options.

BTW- I respect your considering the issue seriously. To fail to consider it seriously is disrespectful, juvenile, and selfish. Unfortunately, I was that selfish guy in my younger years.
Nov. 4, 2009 6:54 p.m. ignorant PowerDork

my wife is/was a good catholic girl. I respected her wishes and didn't do the deed with her until marriage...

That said.. There is a very appropriate frank zappa song about that period in my life....

NSFW http://www.lyricsfreak.com/f/frank+zappa/catholic+girls_20056731.html
Nov. 4, 2009 7:33 p.m. JoeyM Reader

SVreX wrote:
Apexcarver wrote: vasectomies are reversible...

Theoretically, but frequently not in practice.

+100 !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Seriously, NEVER think of it as reversible. They may be able to reconnect the pipes (i.e. re-attach the cut ends of the vas deferens) but that's often a temporary situation; i.e. scar tissue can block them again within a couple years, and this is not an uncommon thing to happen.

Worse, the majority of men (60% according to wikipedia) will develop antibodies to sperm within one year of a vasectomy. Basically, your immune system learns to identify sperm as something bad that needs to be destroyed. That means that macrophages - one of the types of white blood cells - will be hunting for and eating the sperm that are produced, and that antibodies will be helping them do the job.

Doctors may be able to reconnect the pipes, but that won't stop your immune system from trying to destroy any sperm the testes make.

SVreX wrote: A reversal is usually done under general anesthetic in a hospital and costs upwards of $25,000.

Reversal = a lot of $$$ for a possible chance at becoming kind of fertile.....and possibly only for a limited time.

If you do plan to get snipped, and you ever think you may change your mind, follow the advice given earlier and put some swimmers on ice.

Since GRM has an MD, maybe Dr. Hess can weigh in here.....
Nov. 4, 2009 8:33 p.m. tuna55 Reader

My wife had severe reactions to 'the pill' when we were dating, and I would never ask her to go on it again, nor would I ask any woman to for my sake. We looked into Mirena, but that's the pill, in a very small dose, along with a small element of 'the day after (whore) pill' in it too, so we aren't doing that, because we, religiously, view that as a form of abortion.

Condoms FTW. If you're serious, you can respect her. If you're not, she shouldn't waste her time with you, not the other way around.

MY wife and I also did not do anything in that area until we were sure we would be okay with all of the consequences, including children. Not quite until marriage, but pretty much until engagement and wedding date.

Seriously, it's only sex. Life with the woman you love for 50+ years is worth sacrificing some sack time for the first few months.
Nov. 4, 2009 8:56 p.m. PHeller HalfDork

All are great answers.

I'm not currently in this situation but was interested in it because I just realized that...hey, it can happen.

I'm not at all looking at it in the sense of "oh i'll just make her take the pill so I don't have to use a rubber!" Not the case at all. I'll use one whether or not she's on the pill.

What I'm getting at is the idea that I could see getting into a relationship with a girl. Upholding my end of the deal by wearing a rubber (self responsibility) but maybe she doesn't want to take the pill and feels uncomfortable about implants.

If something were to reach this stage, is it a situation where you've just gotta sit down and say "hey I'm wearing one of these for you so could you please do something for me" kind of thing.
Nov. 4, 2009 9:22 p.m. SVreX PowerDork

Upholding my end of the deal??

Its about relationship, not sex.

Just as one should never consider a vasectomy as temporary, its important to recognize that sometimes.people who have sex get pregnant.

If that is truly unacceptable, then the "responsible" thing to do isn't negotiating for safer sex, its recognizing that you might not be ready for the reponsibilty of sex with this partner.

There is only one absolutely idiot proof and 100% guaranteed method to avoid pregnancy. Its not the pill.
Nov. 4, 2009 9:22 p.m. SVreX PowerDork

Upholding my end of the deal??

Its about relationship, not sex.

Just as one should never consider a vasectomy as temporary, its important to recognize that sometimes.people who have sex get pregnant.

If that is truly unacceptable, then the "responsible" thing to do isn't negotiating for safer sex, its recognizing that you might not be ready for the reponsibilty of sex with this partner.

There is only one absolutely idiot proof and 100% guaranteed method to avoid pregnancy. Its not the pill.
Nov. 4, 2009 9:26 p.m. PHeller HalfDork

so then that's like saying as I dude I might as well except the fact that I'll have kids, even if I dont want them?

Besides a vasectomy, there really isn't a sure way of preventing pregnancy and still having an enjoyable sex life.

Is it unfair of me to "negotiate" with someone about the importance of planning pregnancy with the utmost care, while still enjoying sex?

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