Login Register Sign up for the GRM e-newsletter

Login to post Forums » Off-topic discussion » So much for salvation... « 1 2 3 4 »
  • JG Pasterjak

    Jan. 3, 2009 11:07 a.m. JG Pasterjak Production/Art Director

    And I was ---><--- this close, too...

    This morning I'm out in the garage taking the carb off the MX bike for a cleaning,and my wife is inside getting ready to go to a massage appointment. We were kind of talking back and forth, and she's about ready to go and was taking some of the birds out to the outdoor aviary when some folks walked up the driveway to share the good news about Jebus. Lady my age and a young girl maybe nine or 10.

    So I'm polite and make some small talk and hear Dana come storming back into the kitchen, still unaware that I'm entertaining visitors and this conversation ensues:

    Me: Honey there's...

    Her (rather loud and agitated): Berkeleying Maisie just E36 M3 all over me!

    Me: Danie there's...

    Her: OH BERKELEY! IT'S DOWN MY BERKELEYING PANT LEG, TOO! I'M GOING TO BE LATE BECAUSE NOW I HAVE TO BERKELEYING CHANGE!

    So I go back to talking to the nice folks who were COMPLETELY unfazed by the excitement that was just coming from inside. Of course, now I have no choice. I probably should have just asked them to baptize me right there, then go in and cast the demon woman out.

    PUNCH LINE: So, Dana finally comes back to the kitchen and realizes that I'm talking to someone and who I'm talking to. She also realizes that she'll have to make the walk of shame past them and to her car to get out of here. So she bucks up, marches out and gives them her nicest smile, and the little girl says: "Oh, hi Mrs. Pasterjak!"

    Not one of her students, but one from a neighboring classroom. That was probably her only save of the entire encounter.

    Still, back to school should be real fun on Monday.

    jg

  • joey48442

    Jan. 3, 2009 11:18 a.m. joey48442 Dork

    JG Pasterjak wrote:

    And I was ---><--- this close, too...

    This morning I'm out in the garage taking the carb off the MX bike for a cleaning,and my wife is inside getting ready to go to a massage appointment. We were kind of talking back and forth, and she's about ready to go and was taking some of the birds out to the outdoor aviary when some folks walked up the driveway to share the good news about Jebus. Lady my age and a young girl maybe nine or 10.

    So I'm polite and make some small talk and hear Dana come storming back into the kitchen, still unaware that I'm entertaining visitors and this conversation ensues:

    Me: Honey there's...

    Her (rather loud and agitated): Berkeleying Maisie just E36 M3 all over me!

    Me: Danie there's...

    Her: OH BERKELEY! IT'S DOWN MY BERKELEYING PANT LEG, TOO! I'M GOING TO BE LATE BECAUSE NOW I HAVE TO BERKELEYING CHANGE!

    So I go back to talking to the nice folks who were COMPLETELY unfazed by the excitement that was just coming from inside. Of course, now I have no choice. I probably should have just asked them to baptize me right there, then go in and cast the demon woman out.

    PUNCH LINE: So, Dana finally comes back to the kitchen and realizes that I'm talking to someone and who I'm talking to. She also realizes that she'll have to make the walk of shame past them and to her car to get out of here. So she bucks up, marches out and gives them her nicest smile, and the little girl says: "Oh, hi Mrs. Pasterjak!"

    Not one of her students, but one from a neighboring classroom. That was probably her only save of the entire encounter.

    Still, back to school should be real fun on Monday.

    jg

    Thats rough. But funny. An outdoor aviary? My wife would love that!

    My fried once told a group of Jehovah's witnesses or the like that he would listen to what they had to say, but they had to tell him, first, how much for the woman?

    They left.

    Joey

  • walterj

    Jan. 3, 2009 11:18 a.m. walterj HalfDork

    LOL, that sounds familiar... the UPS guy always looks like he is ready to bolt when approaching my house... and its never the same guy. There are probably stories floating around the hub of a foul-mouthed demon woman eating the souls of the "New Guy".

  • GameboyRMH

    Jan. 3, 2009 12:56 p.m. GameboyRMH SuperDork

    LOL, I know a guy who puts on a whole voodoo doctor act when the Jehova's witnesses come to his door, complete with nudity and dead chickens if possible. If he's not in the mood for that he just blasts the satanic death metal and starts cursing at them.

    Yes he's a freak.

  • HiTempguy

    Jan. 3, 2009 1:44 p.m. HiTempguy Reader

    he just blasts the satanic death metal and starts cursing at them

    Sounds pretty normal to me?

  • Xceler8x

    Jan. 3, 2009 1:48 p.m. Xceler8x HalfDork

    Hey, you take a risk when you just show up at someone else's house. Those folks acted appropriately in my opinion. Good on them!

    I usually turn bible beaters away at the driveway. I just smile, wave, and say "No thanks! Have as much God as I need here!"

  • fastasleep

    Jan. 3, 2009 1:57 p.m. fastasleep New Reader

    I had a Jehovah's Witness ask if he (and his friend) could sit and talk. So I say, "Sure, come on in!"
    When they sit, I ask,"What would you like to talk about?"
    Then the guy says, "I don't know; I have never gotten this far before."

    -Les

  • neon4891

    Jan. 3, 2009 5:04 p.m. neon4891 SuperDork

    GameboyRMH wrote:

    LOL, I know a guy who puts on a whole voodoo doctor act when the Jehova's witnesses come to his door, complete with nudity and dead chickens if possible. If he's not in the mood for that he just blasts the satanic death metal and starts cursing at them.

    Yes he's a freak.

    hell, last time that happened to me I was sitting around in boxers messing around with civil war muzzle loaders.

  • ignorant

    Jan. 3, 2009 7:12 p.m. ignorant PowerDork

    Tell them in the 1st two 2nds that I am an atheist. Usually they then throw a copy of the watchtower at me and run away yelling "Sorry don't sue"...

  • HappyAndy

    Jan. 4, 2009 12:09 a.m. HappyAndy Reader

    Xceler8x wrote:

    Hey, you take a risk when you just show up at someone else's house. Those folks acted appropriately in my opinion. Good on them!

    +1 go easy on the JW's they work hard to help alot of people and ask nothing in return.

    And BTW trying to freak them out is a waste of time, if you have a Bible read John chapter 15 vss 18 through 21, and the beginning of capter 16 too. They are prepared for that stuff.

    If the world hates YOU, YOU know that it has hated me before it hated YOU. 19 If YOU were part of the world, the world would be fond of what is its own. Now because YOU are no part of the world, but I have chosen YOU out of the world, on this account the world hates YOU. 20 Bear in mind the word I said to YOU, A slave is not greater than his master. If they have persecuted me, they will persecute YOU also; if they have observed my word, they will observe YOURS also. 21 But they will do all these things against YOU on account of my name, because they do not know him that sent me.

    16 “I have spoken these things to YOU that YOU may not be stumbled. 2 Men will expel YOU from the synagogue. In fact, the hour is coming when everyone that kills YOU will imagine he has rendered a sacred service to God. 3 But they will do these things because they have not come to know either the Father or me. 4 Nevertheless, I have spoken these things to YOU that, when the hour for them arrives, YOU may remember I told them to YOU

  • Twin_Cam

    Jan. 4, 2009 12:09 a.m. Twin_Cam Dork

    Hahaha that made me laugh. I needed it.

    I remember back in the day, when I was about 6, I happened to be looking out the front window, I think because I was waiting for a friend to come over, when I saw two people walk up the driveway, and I turned to my dad and said "Dad, who are the people walking up the driveway?" He looks out through the curtains and goes "Oh E36 M3, the Jesus people!" He grabs me and tells me to go to the dining room (which can't be seen from the front window), turns off the light next to the couch, and runs into the dining room as well. When the doorbell rings, he says "I made the mistake of answering it once when they came when we first moved here...never do it again!"

    To this day, if I see "Jesus people" walking around, I laugh my ass off.

  • Salanis

    Jan. 4, 2009 12:48 a.m. Salanis SuperDork

    HappyAndy,

    YOU do realize that, when YOU capitalize YOUR text in an online message, it indicates that YOU are shouting what YOU have capitalized. When YOU do this to only a few of YOUR words, it makes YOUR message much more interesting.

    If YOU read YOUR earlier message with that in mind, it makes YOUR post far more amusing. At the very least, YOU break up the flow of YOUR text, and it just makes it harder for YOU to read.

    Don't YOU think?

  • Appleseed

    Jan. 4, 2009 3:39 a.m. Appleseed New Reader

    "Have you found Jesus?"

    "I didn't know he was lost."

  • ddavidv

    Jan. 4, 2009 6:22 a.m. ddavidv SuperDork

    The last time, telling them I was an agnostic seemed to confuse and amuse them. They were nice enough. I just told them if anything changed I'd be sure to call them.

    BTW, I just found some really funny non-believer stuff on YouTube. Penn and Teller's "Religion is BS" is pretty darn funny, and carries good logic to boot. Then there's George Carlin...

  • GameboyRMH

    Jan. 4, 2009 7:53 a.m. GameboyRMH SuperDork

    ignorant wrote:

    Tell them in the 1st two 2nds that I am an atheist. Usually they then throw a copy of the watchtower at me and run away yelling "Sorry don't sue"...

    Reminds me of an interesting tactic they used on me last time...

    I just came out of an exam from an IT training facility and they came up and said

    "Hi, we're looking for people who speak foreign languages, do you speak any?"

    (WTF? oh well I have time...)

    "Yeah I speak Spanish."

    "Oh where did you learn it?"

    "High school."

    "Oh did you like it?"

    "Yeah, I guess"

    (Where is this going?)

    "Well why don't you take a copy of our magazine, and just read through it when you get the chance"

    (BS ALERT: UNSOLICITED FREE STUFF)

    "I think we all want to be successful, but we should also become good people, because you can be successful without being a good person, and vice versa, don't you agree?"

    "Oh yeah, definitely" (Dammit I've been Jehovarolled!!!!)

    The magazine turned out to be a cleverly disguised copy of the Watchtower. They really didn't think out this religion very well at all, where you must annoy random strangers with your religion until all of society is sick of it. At least Christians tend to use better judgement with this sort of thing.

  • porksboy

    Jan. 4, 2009 9:19 a.m. porksboy HalfDork

    Just do what I did, Find a Jehovah Witness on the verge of sin, seduce her, marry her and the Witnesses will never bother you again. Her parents are still witnesses and she goes to meetings on occasion but there is no attempt to convert me. I guess they realized I live a good solid life, hurt no one (that doesn’t deserve it) and take care of my family. They also love me for who I am and are amongst the best people I have ever met, the in-laws and the members of their church. Infact I think MY in-laws are better than my WIFES in laws. I also don’t agree with a lot of their "tactics" and opinions but the differences is what makes the human race so damn interesting. (Also, drawing a chalk out line of a human body on your front porch then scattering Watchtower and Awake magazines around wont help)

  • Kramer

    Jan. 4, 2009 9:39 a.m. Kramer Reader

    Do you know why the JW Kingdom Halls don't have windows?

    Because they refuuuse to see the light!

  • Johnboyjjb

    Jan. 4, 2009 10:31 a.m. Johnboyjjb New Reader

    My church does door to door neighborhood canvasing but only at places that are new (people that are moving in to the area for the first time). The speech is easy - "We're from the church down the road, we brought you some information about the area and a flower for your yard. Our business card is in the baggie; give us a call if you need anything." Included in the package is a large potted sunflower and a baggie with restaurant menus and coupons to other local establishments.

    Would that be offensive to anybody?

  • GameboyRMH

    Jan. 4, 2009 10:41 a.m. GameboyRMH SuperDork

    Johnboyjjb wrote:

    My church does door to door neighborhood canvasing but only at places that are new (people that are moving in to the area for the first time). The speech is easy - "We're from the church down the road, we brought you some information about the area and a flower for your yard. Our business card is in the baggie; give us a call if you need anything." Included in the package is a large potted sunflower and a baggie with restaurant menus and coupons to other local establishments.

    Would that be offensive to anybody?

    That wouldn't offend me. I'd think it was nice actually.

  • maroon92

    Jan. 4, 2009 11:19 a.m. maroon92 SuperDork

    I usually let them do thier thing, give me the magazine, and walk away...if they waste 3 minutes of my time per YEAR, it doesn't bother me at all. being rude will only make you a shiny happy person.

  • rob_lewis

    Jan. 4, 2009 11:53 a.m. rob_lewis Dork

    It doesn't bother me the 2-3 times they have come by in the 10 years we've been here.

    However, I will ask this point.

    If my son and I walked from door to door passing out pamphlets asking people to think for themselves (or something of that nature) and reject all religion, would it offend anyone?

    Why should I just accept them knowing that if I offered an alternate view, we'd be run out of town?

    -Rob

  • Salanis

    Jan. 4, 2009 12:16 p.m. Salanis SuperDork

    It's more of Mormon country around here. I grew up with tons of friends who were Mormon. It gives me a nice an polite excuse:

    "I had tons of Mormon friends growing up. You're not going to tell me anything I haven't heard a hundred times already."

  • aussiesmg

    Jan. 4, 2009 12:17 p.m. aussiesmg HalfDork

    wow, what town do you live in, I need to stay away.

    I will listen to anybody who makes an informed point of view, god help the mindless drone who can't explain their comments though

  • Salanis

    Jan. 4, 2009 12:29 p.m. Salanis SuperDork

    aussiesmg wrote:

    wow, what town do you live in, I need to stay away.

    I will listen to anybody who makes an informed point of view, god help the mindless drone who can't explain their comments though

    I grew up east of Sacramento: They're all over El Dorado Hills, Cameron Park, and Folsom. We see more Mormons around Sacramento than Jehova's Witnesses.

    I decided all Mormon's in this area were full of E36 M3 one day: I was riding my bike to school (10 miles away from my HS) in the winter. Winters here aren't super cold, and don't snow, but the temp was probably right around freezing. I got a flat tire right by the Mormon church on the way, where kids were doing their morning seminary.

    I set to changing my flat tire right at the entrance to their parking lot. And right about when there was a change in morning seminary classes, so there was a constant stream of SUVs picking up and dropping off kids. All of them drove within 5 feet of me. Many of them were probably taking kids to my highschool. No one offered a friendly word, let alone offered to give me a ride in their big SUV that could easily have swallowed my bike.

    This was outside where their kids were supposedly learning good Christian charity. Practice what you preach shiny happy people.

  • DrBoost

    Jan. 4, 2009 12:52 p.m. DrBoost Reader

    Salanis wrote:

    HappyAndy,

    YOU do realize that, when YOU capitalize YOUR text in an online message, it indicates that YOU are shouting what YOU have capitalized. When YOU do this to only a few of YOUR words, it makes YOUR message much more interesting.

    If YOU read YOUR earlier message with that in mind, it makes YOUR post far more amusing. At the very least, YOU break up the flow of YOUR text, and it just makes it harder for YOU to read.

    Don't YOU think?

    Well, when YOU or YOUR are in all caps, it denotes different things in the bible. "YOU" in all caps means that the pronoun is in the plural number. Also, where the plural number of a verb is not apparent to the reader, its plurality is indicated by printing it capitalized.

« 1 2 3 4 »  

You'll need to log in to post.