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drummerfromdefleopard
drummerfromdefleopard SuperDork
4/22/15 7:50 p.m.

Was there a single action or course there of? Or the realization that you're miserable despite loving your career and what you do when not home?

secretariata
secretariata HalfDork
4/22/15 8:09 p.m.

File? Taxes? For a room at the sanitarium? Divorce? Finger nails? None of the above?

One of us is not on the same page and it could very well be me, but maybe not?

spitfirebill
spitfirebill PowerDork
4/22/15 8:10 p.m.

Smells like divorce

RealMiniDriver
RealMiniDriver UltraDork
4/22/15 8:19 p.m.

When she's been sleeping on the couch for the past five-six years.

When you can whatever the berk you want, as long as YOU work the overtime to pay for it, but she can do whatever the berk she wants with the joint funds.

When you never hear "I love you." any more, even after pointing it out to her, several times.

When you've asked about getting counseling, but she doesn't think there's a problem.

When she cancels a weekend trip, because she got asked to do something fun at work.

When you find text messages on her phone, "Hey baby..." "I wish I could spend the evening with you..." "cuddled up on the couch..." that SHE sent.

drummerfromdefleopard
drummerfromdefleopard SuperDork
4/22/15 8:27 p.m.

3.5 of the 6, though it's mainly me, and there is nobody else involved. I'm just beyond indifferent and don't care anymore.

Giant Purple Snorklewacker
Giant Purple Snorklewacker MegaDork
4/22/15 8:33 p.m.
when did you know that it was time to file?

When I couldn't get the grinder in the hole to remove the burrs.

Woody
Woody MegaDork
4/22/15 9:06 p.m.

It sounds like you're ready.

Toyman01
Toyman01 MegaDork
4/22/15 9:39 p.m.

Have you tried counseling?

Toyman01
Toyman01 MegaDork
4/22/15 9:40 p.m.
Giant Purple Snorklewacker wrote:
when did you know that it was time to file?
When I couldn't get the grinder in the hole to remove the burrs.

Burrs? Hole? These are not the threads you are looking for.

HiTempguy
HiTempguy UberDork
4/22/15 10:10 p.m.

I just dumped my girlfriend of 2 years. I truly loved her, but she didn't love me back. It immediately felt like the biggest weight was lifted off my shoulders!

She wasnt a bad person or anything; she just wasnt willing to meet my needs in a relationship. I wouldn't wish the feeling of being unloved in a relationship on anyone its better to be alone at that point!

I hope OP gets things figured out, I would have done anything to not have given up what I did, but you have to love yourself first.

Toymanswife
Toymanswife New Reader
4/22/15 10:25 p.m.

Tough decision to make and one that I think most marriages face down at least once. Seriously, look into counseling. Then go take this test http://www.5lovelanguages.com/profile/ .I can say that I had no clue what hubby's love language was until I read the book. We were both missing out on what "showed love". Counseling told me things about him that I just had completely missed and made quite the difference. It's really hard to go through a divorce especially if you have kids.

mndsm
mndsm MegaDork
4/22/15 10:29 p.m.

I feel like if you're asking that question, its time.

Hungary Bill
Hungary Bill SuperDork
4/22/15 10:33 p.m.
HiTempguy wrote: I just dumped my girlfriend of 2 years. I truly loved her, but she didn't love me back. It immediately felt like the biggest weight was lifted off my shoulders! She wasnt a bad person or anything; she just wasnt willing to meet my needs in a relationship. I wouldn't wish the feeling of being unloved in a relationship on anyone ... its better to be alone at that point! I hope OP gets things figured out, I would have done anything to not have given up what I did, but you have to love yourself first.

I've been in that one. You're spot on about the feeling of weight being lifted. It was like breathing again.

I will say I never did know when to pull the trigger, I always wanted it to work. We had it out one night the very same day my buddy got a new apartment and were lying in bed awake. I just got dressed and left. I was gone for a week. When I got back we were both completely indifferent, so I left for good.

I wish ya the best man.

RealMiniDriver
RealMiniDriver UltraDork
4/22/15 10:45 p.m.
HiTempguy wrote: I wouldn't wish the feeling of being unloved in a relationship on anyone its better to be alone at that point! ...you have to love yourself first.

QFTMBT!

secretariata
secretariata HalfDork
4/22/15 10:56 p.m.
HiTempguy wrote: but you have to love yourself first.

It puts the lotion on it's skin...

or alternately, "Love the one you're with"...CSN&Sometimes...

As an aside, WOW Stills' voice was really helped by the production of their albums. I thought it was due to age (saw CSN twice in the past 10 years and he was way off...), but this was 27 years ago.

Hope you can figure/work it out. I know that if I had those concerns it would eat at me.

Rad_Capz
Rad_Capz HalfDork
4/22/15 11:05 p.m.

When she bought a 16 room Victorian mansion with my credit after I told her NO.

ddavidv
ddavidv PowerDork
4/23/15 4:43 a.m.

Well, it depends on the reasons and if you have any inclination to salvage the relationship before you finally hit the EJECT button.

Begin controversial content:

If you want to try to save things then you need to read Athol Kay's "Married Man Sex Life Primer". Though the title is a little misleading ultimately sex frequency and quality is usually a good barometer of a relationship. This book was eye-opening to me and stopped a probable nuked relationship as it taught me how to look at my own role in the problems and not just blame her for ignoring me. The tools (and related web forum) did wonders and I'm much happier where I am now than 3 years ago. Still much work to do however.

Beyond that, if you do decide to bail and go out on your own there are two things you need to do. First, become aware of what the dating scene is like in your age group. The older you get, the vastly poorer the opportunities are. Second, read Rollo Tomassi's book 'The Rational Male'. Where Kay lays out what it takes to salvage a relationship through action Tomassi gives a cold and frequently painful look at the man/woman relationship and what really drives us biologically. Sounds like dry reading, I know, but it isn't.

Be prepared for most everyone around you to dismiss 'Red Pill Theory' as misogynistic but I've studied this stuff for nearly two years and find most of it absolutely true as I study everyone around me. Be forewarned, however, that once you accept this clarity your view of 'unconditional love' will be forever jaded.

Take-away: life is a very short ride. You should not go through it being miserable at a job or in a relationship. There are simply too many positive alternatives available.

Curmudgeon
Curmudgeon MegaDork
4/23/15 6:45 a.m.

Hmmmm. Everyone's situation is different, there's no one size fits all answer. In my case, 'the end' became clear when her bipolar got worse and worse, to the point that I was no longer willing to try to live with it and I saw it affecting my daughter. It got to the point where EVERYTHING in our house had to revolve around her problems, for instance I was told my hobby had to go. That wasn't the last straw but it's an indicator of how things were going.

Don't know if this is what you are dealing with, but as another poster said: if you are asking then it's a strong signal that the time is nigh.

z31maniac
z31maniac UltimaDork
4/23/15 6:54 a.m.

When she said she wanted a divorce?

I moved out and realized how unhappy I had been and didn't really realize it. I'm about to file in the next week or so.

Not paying for her health and car insurance will inject a tasty sum back into my monthly budget.

wbjones
wbjones MegaDork
4/23/15 6:54 a.m.

If you have to ask …….

Lesley
Lesley PowerDork
4/23/15 7:04 a.m.

When you'd rather talk about it to us than your partner...

patgizz
patgizz PowerDork
4/23/15 7:20 a.m.
Lesley wrote: When you'd rather talk about it to us than your partner...

best answer.

spitfirebill
spitfirebill PowerDork
4/23/15 7:39 a.m.

Leave it to a woman to bring logic into a discussion.

z31maniac
z31maniac UltimaDork
4/23/15 7:50 a.m.
patgizz wrote:
Lesley wrote: When you'd rather talk about it to us than your partner...

best answer.

Yep.

/thread

golfduke
golfduke Reader
4/23/15 8:38 a.m.
drummerfromdefleopard wrote: Was there a single action or course there of? Or the realization that you're miserable despite loving your career and what you do when not home?

Relevant to my current/recent experience. It's never a single point. Ever. It's always a slow degradation of things that add up to ambivalence, loss of love, and in some cases, sheer hatred. You loved this person at some point, as everyone does. Then something happens that goes unaddressed. Instead of discussing things or taking care of them, you think it's no big deal and you can deal with it via alternative means, whatever the problem is. That's fine... until the next one pops up... and you do the same. Years pass and before you know it, you've got so much built up passive aggressive annoyances in the marriage that you start focusing your wares on things that you enjoy- mostly extricating yourself from the marriage before its actually over.

Ultimately, you get to a point where you've grown so far apart and so emotionally disconnected from your partner that you simply A)don't know how you ever got there in the first place, and B) don't really care anymore.

I'm at this crossroads myself. I left my wife 6 months ago, and I have been trying to find out what went wrong because I genuinely care about her in the 'she's the mother of my 6 year old son' manner. Ultimately, I came to the realization after so much crying and counselling and courts and mediation and anger and even hatred... that all of the reasons for being with my wife were because of my son's well-being, which is not a good foundation to base a marriage off of. I wish I could be happy with my marriage. It would make things so much easier. But ultimately some time alone and away showed me that you have to be happy with yourself before you can be happy with another...

I wish you good luck. It is by far the worst experience of my life, especially with children involved. Not a day goes by that I feel sick with guilt over what I am putting my innocent son through because I am unhappy with my marriage... It's not an easy decision, and it shouldn't be taken lightly.

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