Cars I wish I never drove May 28, 2010
From the Desk of: JG Pasterjak
The other night my wife and I got talking about cool cars we’ve had. As the daughter of an old school SoCal hotrodder, I think she won (‘56 Chevy, ‘64 GTO, Ghia ragtop among others), but after we talked about the stuff we liked, the conversation turned to stuff we didn’t.
She didn’t have many, and mostly it was stuff she had to drive during a crappy job or school period. I had a few, but the ones that shook me to my core were the ones that truly disappointed me. I have a list (thankfully short) of cars I flat wish I had never driven.
The list exists because prior to driving those cars, I had built them up to a mythological point in my head. I had endowed them with supernatural goodness, and otherworldly competence. When I finally got to drive them, I found that the image I had built in my head was sorely off the mark.
Heading off my list is the Ferrari 308GT4. Perhaps the nerdiest of all Ferraris, the 308GT4 looks like a four seat X1/9, and in my Star Wars addled brain that means pure sex. Driving a 308GT4 would instantly give me +6 to charisma, and +4 resistance to swirlies.
Then I drove one.
Uncomfortable, slow, and listless were the first adjective that came to mind. I sat on the car, rather than in it, and the Italian driving position simply did not work for me. It sounds way better from outside than inside, and the handling seemed numb—certainly not what I had been led to believe was the Ferrari way.
Number two on the list is the Lotus Europa, and this one stings. In my mind, driving a Europa would be like climbing on a superbike—every one of my thoughts and intentions would be instantly telegraphed to the car as though it were wired directly to my brain stem. In reality, I found it more like climbing into a clothes dryer. First off, not only did I not fit, I simply did not see a way for any normal human to drive this car. Now, I was about 90lbs. bigger when I drove it, but there were still some serious ergonomic issues at play. I think the ideal Europa driver has both arms protruding from the same side of his body, for example.
And the legendary Lotus handling? I found it to be urgent, but not responsive. Like it had waaaay too much caster dialed in to give it the sense of being responsive, but it just end up twitchy.
There’s more on the list, but those are the only two I have the strength to talk about now.
I still love these cars, though. In some deep corner of my brain I secretly pray that the examples I drove were not correctly prepared, or that having another shot at these machines will set right the wrongs done to me by these experiences.
I still can’t help but to feel a little stung, though. It was like finally getting the prom queen into your back seat and getting her dress off, only to find out she’s covered with sores and bad prison tattoos, and smells like old soup.
So I’ll retreat back to my fantasies, and go on believing that these cars are still awesome. Maybe I’ll get another chance to drive them again someday. If so, maybe I can temper my expectations and embrace the sores and tattoos this time.
So, what’s on your hairy prom queen list?
Comments
- vwcorvette wrote: May 31, 2010 3:08 p.m.
- 1986 Corvette. Was looking to get out of my Alfa Spider and always wanted a Vette. Damn thing creaked groaned and shook horribly worse than the Alfa. And that was with it's top on. Digi-dash was in-op as well. Perhaps a case of TOO many miles and not enough care?
- geekspeak wrote: Jun 6, 2010 8:54 a.m.
- 2007 Toyota Matrix. I sat in it at the dealership, took one look at the tubes for gauges (if I moved my head to one side or the other I could not read them), and handed the keys back to the dealer. I bought a 2007 Mazda5 instead. No regrets.
- ansonivan wrote: Aug 4, 2010 11:09 a.m.
- 280z - dear Jesus get me out of this horrible tractor engined turd! Nicely done JG.
- pinchvalve wrote: Aug 11, 2010 12:59 p.m.
- EVO. (stay with me for a minute here) I lusted after the Evo for years, wishing and hoping that they would someday come to America. When they finally did, I rushed right out to check them out. They were not giving joy rides to people with little credit and no money, so all I could do is sit in one. Wait, the EVO is just a crappy Lancer inside? Did that door really make the same sound as a 90 Civic when I closed it? I thought this this was the Beast from the East! Without the driving experience, the first EVO was a bit of a letdown. Remember, they didn't show the interior of stock Evo's during rally stages.