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JG Pasterjak
JG Pasterjak Production/Art Director
10/4/16 2:54 p.m.

Congratulations! You’ve joined the elite club of people who have, through their own carelessness or inattention, drilled through their own hand while working on their car.

You know this because when you stopped drilling, the hand that was holding the drill dropped neatly to your side where you store it for future use, while the other hand–the hand you were using to support the back of the panel you were drilling through–mysteriously stayed in place. So did the drill itself, stuck as it was through the metal and your hand meat.

Drilling through your own hand can be a confusing and chaotic time. We’ve prepared this handy (Ha! Get it?) guide to assist you in the aftermath.

1. Confirm that you really drilled through your own hand. Upon drilling through your own hand, there will be several signs. The first will be disbelief and denial. “Surely that was someone else’s hand back there,” you will think, and possibly even say aloud, but it will soon become readily apparent that no one else is present. The humiliation is next, but it will only mask the physical pain for a few seconds, so savor it in its purest form while you can.

2. Find a scapegoat. Next to my shop is a donkey. I mean, he lives there, he doesn’t just stand there at random. It’s technically the neighbor’s donkey, but his… pen? Paddock? Donketorium? Whatever you call the area where a donkey lives is right across from the front of my shop. So when his particular human isn’t around, he’s usually at the fence begging for donkey treats and keeping a watchful eye on my progress.

As he is the perfect foil, whenever a mistake is made in my shop, the resulting crash, bang, pop, fizzle or scrape is usually followed by a loud “Dammit, donkey!” clearly indicating where fault actually lies. The overspray got on the windshield not because I am a sloppy masker, but because the donkey was silently judging me.

Upon hearing my cries, the donkey usually responds with a noise that sounds half like mocking laughter and half like derisive deflection. He’s wise to my schemes by now, but quickly shifting the blame from me to him lessens the psychic burden.

Side note: For you city folk who have never heard a real donkey before, they sound exactly like your drunk friend doing an impression of a donkey.

  1. Now you must act. First, forget about finishing this project tonight. In fact, any upcoming plans not directly related to wound care or gauze replacement are pretty much out the window.

No, it’s time to summon help. For most of us, this will mean calling an ambulance. Hopefully your phone is actually on your person and not just slightly out of reach of your free hand. Drilling through your own hand somewhat limits your mobility, what with the drill bit tunneling through so much tissue and bone and pinning it to the back of the panel you were supporting. But no, really, not using a 2×4 was a good idea. Saved a lot of time, didn’t ya?

Anyway, it’s about now that you begin wishing there were two emergency numbers you could call: one for regular emergencies and one for really embarrassing ones. I’d be more than willing to spend a couple extra bucks toward my deductible if I knew I could expect a certain level of discretion from my rescue professionals.

Let’s face it, 911 dispatchers aren’t stupid, and they’ve seen and heard it all. When they say, “911, what is your emergency?” and you say, “I can’t really say,” they can tell just from the timbre of your voice that your genitals are hopelessly trapped in a pool vacuum fitting while the rest of you is casually nursing a poolside drink like nothing has happened. I’d be willing to bet that after 10 years on the job, a good 911 operator can determine the exact object irretrievably inserted in a caller’s butt based on the first 5 seconds of awkward stalling.

But summon help you must, and when the paramedics show up, there’s pretty much one course of action they’re going to take. They’re going to cut that precious panel–the one you so lovingly supported with your own flesh–around the drill so they can free your hand and deliver the whole mess to the hospital for proper separation.

You wanted to drill one simple hole, but because you didn’t take proper safety precautions, you ended up with a whole mess of sloppily chopped sheet metal to replace. Which reminds me to plug next month’s column: “So You’ve Welded Through Your Own Fingertip.”

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Fueled by Caffeine
Fueled by Caffeine MegaDork
10/4/16 3:00 p.m.

I put a deck screw through my finger once. I have it saved in a jar on my desk to remind me never to do it again.

Appleseed MegaDork
10/4/16 3:07 p.m.

Realize that into and through one's hand are significantly different things, especially if it's the later.

DanielCut Reader
10/4/16 3:10 p.m.

Can't you just reverse the drill?

GameboyRMH GRM+ Memberand MegaDork
10/4/16 3:15 p.m.
DanielCut wrote: Can't you just reverse the drill?

I'll admit that putting the drill in reverse and slowly backing it out would be my first instinct...although it might not be the medically safest thing to do.

SilverFleet UberDork
10/4/16 3:16 p.m.

You had me at Donketorium.

fasted58 UltimaDork
10/4/16 3:20 p.m.


What would Todd Orr do?

GameboyRMH GRM+ Memberand MegaDork
10/4/16 3:22 p.m.
SilverFleet wrote: You had me at Donketorium.

Is a really nice donkey enclosure called an ass palace?

Furious_E Dork
10/4/16 3:37 p.m.

One of my best friend's dad used to be a contractor and it felt like every week one of his employees would shoot a nail through his hand with a nail gun. That may or may not have had anything to do with the stupendous amount of beer cans we used to find at his job sites.

JG Pasterjak
JG Pasterjak Production/Art Director
10/4/16 3:48 p.m.
Fueled by Caffeine wrote: I put a deck screw through my finger once. I have it saved in a jar on my desk to remind me never to do it again.

The screw or your finger?

BrokenYugo UltimaDork
10/4/16 4:07 p.m.
GameboyRMH wrote:
DanielCut wrote: Can't you just reverse the drill?
I'll admit that putting the drill in reverse and slowly backing it out would be my first instinct...although it might not be the medically safest thing to do.

I'm not a doctor, but I don't think an impaled hand carries much risk of bleeding out. Might as well put that shock and adrenaline to use and yank it out before it starts hurting like hell.

bluej UltraDork
10/4/16 4:12 p.m.

A lot depends on the bit type/size. A small pilot bit vs. step bit vs. hole saw will require different decision trees. And curses.

Dusterbd13 PowerDork
10/4/16 4:21 p.m.

Thank you for making today suck less.

And I have done this.

And welded through a finger.

And screwed my hand to a wall.

And gotten second degree burns on my nuts.

My father had a saying: do as I say, not as I do.

Toyman01 GRM+ Memberand MegaDork
10/4/16 4:32 p.m.

This thread delivers in spades. Large quantities of plus 1 content. +1

I have never had the pleasure of drilling, screwing, or nailing through my hand. It is a experience I expend a fair amount of energy avoiding. Successfully, so far.

That damn 4" grinder on the other hand...

JG Pasterjak
JG Pasterjak Production/Art Director
10/4/16 4:41 p.m.
DanielCut wrote: Can't you just reverse the drill?

So, for the record, this did not actually happen to me. to this point in my life, I have avoided any major shop injuries. I have apparently traded that, however, for an endless string of minor shop injuries, suffered every single time I do darn near anything. I can't wipe off a greasy wrench without drawing at least a little blood, apparently.

Anyway, the original idea for the story comes from Elliott Harvey, and it regards a guy he used to work at a Nissan dealership with. Apparently the dude drilled through his own hand and pinned it to the inside of a fender. As true friends are wont to do, the rest of the techs stood around giving the guy crap while they waited for the ambulance. When someone finally suggested that they just reverse the drill and back it out, I guess the guy finally passed out. Luckily they caught him before he just hung there on his hand.

captdownshift GRM+ Memberand UberDork
10/4/16 4:56 p.m.

The worst is when the NiCad battery gives out and it's stuck in there.

EastCoastMojo GRM+ Memberand Mod Squad
10/4/16 5:08 p.m.

You just back it out enough to clear the fender. Leave it in the hand hole to keep from bleeding out so much. Although you could unchuck the bit to make transport easier.

RealMiniParker UberDork
10/4/16 5:15 p.m.
Toyman01 wrote: That damn 4" grinder on the other hand...

I wrassled with a machine that has a 24x10" grinding wheel. It won, but I still have most of the tip of my finger.

Kylini HalfDork
10/4/16 5:28 p.m.

Detach the bit from the drill, then pull off your hand. Easy peasy.

OHSCrifle GRM+ Memberand Dork
10/4/16 5:32 p.m.

Never drilled through my hand. I always manage to get it stopped at just a puncture.

I was twelve and had an interest in woodworking. Retired cabinet maker across the street had an old old old table saw. It had a jointer on the other side of the table, that shared a motor with the saw.

Jointers have a smooth barrel with a sharp blade that isn't always visible at top dead center. As I stared at the smooth barrel and wondered how the heck it planes the edge of a board, I decided to touch it.

At the same time, neighbor fired up the table saw.

A hunk of my finger was soon dangling, and I bled a lot. I learned how a jointer works, and to stay away from it when the table saw is in use, and to respect power tools.

It scared the E36 M3 out of me, but I'm sure he felt worse than I did.

tr8todd Dork
10/4/16 5:42 p.m.

A buddy of mine was working on a house he bought to flip. He was the only one in the house. He was pushing 2 2X4s together that were holding up a temporary staircase. One was twisted. Somehow he shot a large spike thru the back of his hand and into the 2 boards. Couldn't remove the nail or get his hand free. Stayed that way for several hours until the mailman heard him screaming. Worst I have ever done is a roofing nail in my inner thigh as I played the gun in my lap to grab another shingle. That wasn't too bad.

oldopelguy UltraDork
10/4/16 5:47 p.m.

I'll take a drill bit to the hand over the lawn mower any day.

chandlerGTi UberDork
10/4/16 5:50 p.m.

I build custom hot wheels for people, while drilling the rivets out my son asked me a question....I looked up at the same time the bit went through the rivet and post AND body AND finger. Ouch

I once was holding a panel in a trade show booth while we made on site repairs and the guy on the other side used a 4" drywall screw instead of the 2" that would have sufficed, needless to say the oriental owners of the booth were more unintelligible than normal as they screamed at the screw out my hand and the copious amounts of blood. I was unhappy; I had to relaminate the panel on the show floor and that thing was throbbing pretty good after twenty minutes of so!

Rotaryracer New Reader
10/4/16 6:06 p.m.

I just had to explain to my beautiful wife why I was crying so hard from laughing at "donketorium".

Best. Word. Ever.

Nick (Bo) Comstock
Nick (Bo) Comstock UltimaDork
10/4/16 6:25 p.m.

I have nailed my hand to a truss while standing on an eight foot ladder. Had to ask a helper to get me a claw hammer so I could free it. It went through the meat resting on the bone of my index finger. I then used my razor knife to slice the meat along the nail and pulled it out the side. At that point my helper fainted. I didn't really bleed much, wrapped it in duct tape and continued working. I would much rather that than drill into my hand.

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