Joke of the day

A man staggered into a hospital with a concussion, multiple bruises, two black eyes, and a five iron wrapped tightly around his throat.

Naturally, the Doctor asked him, "What happened to YOU?"

"Well, I was having a quiet round of golf with my wife, when at a difficult hole, we both sliced our golf balls into a field of cattle.

We went to look for them and while I was looking around I noticed one of the cows had something white at its rear end."

"I walked over, lifted its tail, and sure enough, there was a golf ball with my wife's monogram on it - stuck right in the middle of the cow's hind quarters.

Still holding the cow's tail up, I yelled to my wife,

"Hey, this looks like your's!'"

"I don't remember much after that........."

This big bad mean looking Hell's Angel's type dude walks into a bar in teh middle of the day. There is nobody in teh bar except for him and this SMOKIN HOT bartender.

He looks around teh bar and sees a handwritten menu on the wall. It reads:

Drafts: 1.50 Bottles: 2.00 Hamburger: 3.00 Cheeseburger: 3.50 Handjob: 20.00

He looks at the menu for awhile and finally says to the bartender: " Are you the one who gives out the handjobs?".

She says "yes I am!"

The Hells Angel says: "Go wash your berkeleying hands and make me a cheeseburger!"

Redneck Engineering Exam 7. A man owns a house and 3.7 acres of land in a hollow with an average slope of 15%. The man has 5 children. Can each of the children place a mobile home on the man's land?

You guys don't even know how true this is.

A Scotsman is sitting in a bar in Cuba. He notices a man get up and head to the door without paying. When the bartender calls him to pay his tab the man tugs his beard, and yells "Castro's Army". The bartender apologizes and tells the man the drinks are on the house.

A little while later another man gets up and heads to the door. The bartender again tries to collect payment, and he too tugs his beard, shouts "Castro's Army", and heads into the night.

The Scot figures he should give it a shot and save a few bucks. He gets up and heads for the door. The bartender calls him out and he yells out "Castro's Army". The bartender shouts back "Where is your beard?" The Scot lifts up his kilt and replies "Secret Service" and continues out the door.

What do a nine volt battery and a womans butthole have in common? You know it's wrong but sooner or later your gonna lick it.

Still laughing.

An old prospector shuffled into the town of El Indio , Texas leading an old tired mule. The old man headed straight for the only saloon in town, to clear his parched throat. He walked up to the saloon and tied his old mule to the hitch rail. As he stood there, brushing some of the dust from his face and clothes, a young gunslinger stepped out of the saloon with a gun in one hand and a bottle of whiskey in the other. The young gunslinger looked at the old man and laughed, saying, "Hey old man, have you ever danced?" The old man looked up at the gunslinger and said, "No, I never did dance... never really wanted to." A crowd had gathered as the gunslinger grinned and said, "Well, you old fool, you're gonna dance now," and started shooting at the old man's feet. The old prospector, not wanting to get a toe blown off, started hopping around like a flea on a hot skillet. Everybody was laughing, fit to be tied. When his last bullet had been fired, the young gunslinger, still laughing, holstered his gun and turned around to go back into the saloon. The old man turned to his pack mule, pulled out a double-barreled shotgun, and cocked both hammers. The loud clicks carried clearly through the desert air. The crowd stopped laughing immediately. The young gunslinger heard the sounds too, and he turned around very slowly. The silence was almost deafening. The crowd watched as the young gunman stared at the old timer and the large gaping holes of those twin barrels. The barrels of the shotgun never wavered in the old man's hands, as he quietly said, "Son, have you ever kissed a mule's ass?" The gunslinger swallowed hard and said, "No sir ..... but... I've always wanted to."

Aggie jokes are told one week a year by Longhorns, and fifty-one by Aggies

Why did the Monkey fall out of the tree? ...it was dead.

Why did the squirrel fall out of the tree? ...it was stapled to the monkey.

What's brown and sticky? ...a stick.

There's a guy sitting at the bar drinking his second or third beer. He turns to the door and in steps a woman of unbelievable beauty. Absolutely stunning is she, wearing a red dress and stiletto heels to match. The guy can't help himself -- he stares at her......and she catches his stare!

She holds his gaze as she walks to the bar and sits next to him. "I saw you watching me and I bet I know what you're thinking. I might be thinking the same things, too. So I will make a deal with you. I will do anything you want............anything. You just have to do one thing. You have to ask for it with just three words.

Guy at the bar stares at her for a little while longer, takes a long drink from his beer, puts his glass back down and says:

"Paint my house"

What is brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre

How do you sink a polish submarine?

Knock on the hatch

Did you hear about the polish helicopter crash?

The pilot got cold so he turned the fan off.

My wife's favorite Aggie joke:

An Aggie researcher is experimenting on a frog. He says "Jump, Froggie, Jump" and the frog jumps 18 inches. He cuts one leg off the frog and says "Jump, Froggie, Jump" and the frog jumps 8 inches. He cuts another leg off the frog and says "Jump, Froggie, Jump" and the frog jumps 4 inches. He cuts another leg off the frog and says "Jump, Froggie, Jump" and the frog jumps 1 inch. He cuts the last leg off the frog and says "Jump, Froggie, Jump" and the frog just lays there. He writes up his paper with his conclusions:

Frog with 4 legs jumps 18 inches. Frog with 3 legs jumps 8 inches. Frog with 2 legs jumps 4 inches. Frog with 1 leg jumps 1 inches. Frog with no legs is deaf.

what do you call a boomerang that won't come back ?

a stick

Streetwiseguy wrote: What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef. What do you call a cow with no left legs? Lean ground beef. All the 5 year olds in the crowd are rolling on the floor now....

I'm apparently 5....this had me in tears.

There are only 3 lawyer jokes. The rest are true.

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over a bridge railing and landed in the creek below.Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful and offered the kids their wish.The first kid said, "I would like to go to Disneyland."George said: "No problem, I'll take you there on Air Force One!"The second kid said: "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's."George said: "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"The third kid said: "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!"George is a little perplexed by this and says: "But you don't look like you are injured."The kid says: "I will be immediately, after my dad finds out I saved you from drowning!"

For a laugh I typed "twat" into my GPS to see where it would take me. Put the kettle on mate I'm outside your place

God forgive me for laughing at that...

The Spoon

Last week, we took some friends to a new restaurant, ' Steve's Place, ' and noticed that the waiter who took our order carried a spoon in his shirt pocket.

It seemed a little strange. When the busboy brought our water and utensils, I observed that he also had a spoon in his shirt pocket.

Then I looked around and saw that all the staff had spoons in their pockets. When the waiter came back to serve our soup I inquired, ' Why the spoon ? ' ' Well, ' he explained, ' the restaurant's owner hired Andersen Consulting to revamp all of our processes. After several months of analysis, they concluded that the spoon was the most frequently dropped utensil. It represents a drop frequency of approximately 3 spoons per table per hour.

If our personnel are better prepared, we can reduce the number of trips back to the kitchen and save 15 man - hours per shift. ' As luck would have it, I dropped my spoon and he replaced it with his spare. ' I'll get another spoon next time I go to the kitchen instead of making an extra trip to get it right now . . . ' I was impressed.

I also noticed that there was a string hanging out of the waiter's fly.

Looking around, I saw that all of the waiters had the same string hanging from their flies. So, before he walked off, I asked the waiter, ' Excuse me, but can you tell me why you have that string right there ? '

' Oh, certainly ! ' Then he lowered his voice. ' Not everyone is so observant. That consulting firm I mentioned also learned that we can save time in the restroom.

By tying this string to the tip of our you - know - what, we can pull it out without touching it and eliminate the need to wash our hands, shortening the time spent in the restroom by 76.39%. '

I asked quietly, ' After you get it out, how do you put it back ? '

' Well, ' he whispered, ' I don't know about the others, but I use the spoon.'

Wow! That was awesome!

Two blondes driving down the freeway and decided they needed to potty. They saw a sign that read "clean restrooms next 8 miles." By they they made it 8 miles they had cleaned 43.

http://prairiehome.publicradio.org/programs/2011/01/22/

Its their joke show... worth a listen.

If we're gonna bust out blonde jokes...

3 blondes are hiking through the woods when they come across some tracks.

The first blonde says, "Oh, lion tracks! We better be careful!"

The second blonde says, "You idiot, there's no lions around here, those are bear tracks!"

The third blond opens her mouth, and all three were hit by the train.

Good one, Dex.

A doe walks out of the woods and shakes it off.... she says, "that's the last time I do THAT for two bucks."

completely irreverent jokes (for which my wife may beat me):

Q: What can you say to help a woman with two black eyes?
A: Nothing, someone already told the bitch twice.

My wife asked me for a watch for Christmas. I said, "why? there is a perfectly good clock on the stove."

Somebody asked me what my wife was doing these days. I said, "the dishes if she knows what's good for her..."

Q: Why do women have two holes in their crotch?
A: So you can carry them home like a six-pack.

Did you hear that alcoholic beverages contain several female hormones? Every time men drink it, they suddenly have poor judgement and they can't drive.