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Brett_Murphy
Brett_Murphy UltimaDork
10/22/19 2:02 p.m.

(creator unknown)
Germans: Do you like umlauts?
Me: No.
Germans:

 

Toyman01
Toyman01 MegaDork
12/11/19 3:23 p.m.

dculberson
dculberson MegaDork
12/11/19 8:03 p.m.

My 5 year old made up a joke yesterday:

Knock, knock!

Who's there?

Snake.

Snake who?

Snake the drain, it's clogged!

I thought that was pretty good for a 5 year old.

Toyman01
Toyman01 MegaDork
12/16/19 6:14 a.m.

I have had enough!!!! I'll never help anyone again......EVER!! I'm too kindhearted, or I'm too stupid.... :(
Yesterday it was so cold out that i let a man stay in my trailer for the night, out of the kindness of my heart. I felt so sorry for him. Poor thing was trembling out in the cold, but this morning he had just vanished. Not a word...not even a goodbye or a thank you for sheltering him!! :(
The last straw?!?! When I realized he had peed all over the RV floor!!! That's the thank you I get for being good to people?!?!?!
Now I'm going to warn my friends to watch out for this man! He is heavy set, wearing nothing but a scarf, he has a nose that looks like a carrot, two black eyes, and his arms are so skinny they look like sticks!!! Don't bring him into your RV!! What a huge mess he made on the floor. ☃  

HAPPY HOLIDAYS and MERRY CHRISTMAS!!!

SVreX
SVreX MegaDork
1/31/20 12:21 p.m.

When one door closes and another door opens, you are probably in prison.

To me, “drink responsibly” means don’t spill it.

When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago.

Interviewer: “So, tell me about yourself.” Me: “I’d rather not. I kinda want this job.”

Cop: “Please step out of the car.” Me: “I’m too drunk. You get in.”

I remember being able to get up without making sound effects.

I had my patience tested. I’m negative

Brett_Murphy
Brett_Murphy UltimaDork
2/1/20 12:14 a.m.

What do you call a nun that sleep walks?


A roaming Catholic.

Steve_Jones
Steve_Jones Reader
2/9/20 9:12 a.m.

One Saturday morning 4 golfers were walking down the 18th fairway which ran parallel to a good size road. A funeral procession drove by and one of the men stood still, took off his hat and bowed his head. One of the other men said, “Jim, that was a very respectful thing to do” and Jim said “it’s the least I could do, we were married for 42 years.”.

AngryCorvair
AngryCorvair MegaDork
2/9/20 9:54 a.m.

We all know why 6 was afraid of 7

(because 7 8 9)

but did you know why 7 8 9?

because 7 enjoyed 3^2 meals.

Toyman01
Toyman01 MegaDork
2/18/20 2:16 p.m.

An aged farmer and his wife were leaning against the edge of their pig-pen when the old woman wistfully recalled that the next week would mark their golden wedding anniversary.

"Let's have a party, Homer," she suggested. "Let's kill a pig."

The farmer scratched his grizzled head. "Gee, Ethel," he finally answered, "I don't see why the pig should take the blame for something that happened fifty years ago."

RealMiniNoMore
RealMiniNoMore PowerDork
2/21/20 11:16 a.m.

SVreX
SVreX MegaDork
2/27/20 8:15 a.m.

An Airbus 380 is on its way across the Atlantic. It flies consistently at 800 km/h in 30,000 feet, when suddenly a Eurofighter with Tempo Mach 2 appears.
The pilot of the fighter jet slows down, flies alongside the Airbus and greets the pilot of the passenger plane by radio: "Airbus flight, boring flight isn’t it? Take care and have a look here!”

He rolls his jet on its back, accelerates, breaks through the sound barrier, rises rapidly to a dizzying height, only to swoop down almost to sea level in a breathtaking dive. He loops back next to the Airbus and asks, "Well, how was that?"

The Airbus pilot answers: "Very impressive, but now have a look here!"

The jet pilot watches the Airbus, but nothing happens. It continues to fly stubbornly straight, with the same speed. After five minutes, the Airbus pilot radioed, "Well, what are you saying now?"

The jet pilot asks confused: "What did you do?" The other laughs and says, "I got up, stretched my legs, went to the back of the flight to the bathroom, got a cup of coffee and a cinnamon cake and made an appointment with the stewardess for the next three nights - in a 5 Star hotel, which is paid for by my employer. "

The moral of the story is:
When you are young, speed and adrenaline seems to be great. But as you get older and wiser, comfort and peace are not to be despised either.
This is called S.O.S.: Slower, Older, Smarter.

Dedicated to all my friends who like me likes the S.O.S. approach

Toyman01
Toyman01 MegaDork
3/19/20 7:21 a.m.

A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband .

Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. "Careful," he said, "CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You’re cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the salt! USE THE SALT! THE SALT!"

The wife stared at him. "What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?"

The husband calmly replied, "I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving."

Brett_Murphy
Brett_Murphy MegaDork
3/19/20 12:23 p.m.

Why are red crayons a phlelbotomist's favorite color?

They always have to draw blood.

Toyman01
Toyman01 MegaDork
3/27/20 7:33 a.m.

A group of previous kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! 

"You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them. She asked Chris what he had done over the weekend. 

"I went to visit my Nana." 

"No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use 'Big People' words!" She then asked Mitchell what he had done. 

"I took a ride on a choo-choo." She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words." She then asked little Alec what he had done. 

"I read a book," he replied. 

"That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?" 

Alec thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great pride, and said, "Winnie the E36 M3!”

wlkelley3
wlkelley3 UltraDork
3/27/20 9:03 p.m.

914Driver
914Driver MegaDork
3/28/20 8:49 a.m.

In line at the grocery store at 6:45 am waiting for the 7:00-9:00 Covid-19 Seniors Only shopping.  A young man whips in with a ricer, heads toward the store and jumps in the front of the line.

An old lady lathered him up with her cane and he backed down a bit but tried again.  The old man at the front of the line knocked him to the ground with a pretty sweet hook.

Kid jumps to his feet and pulls out a wad of keys, "HEY!  If I can't open the store, no one goes shopping!"  

Toyman01 (Forum Supporter)
Toyman01 (Forum Supporter) MegaDork
4/14/20 7:20 a.m.

I think I need to stay out of some other threads and post more in this one. 

A Chihuahua, a Doberman and a Bulldog are in a bar having adrink when a great-looking female Collie comes up to them and says, "Whoever can say liver and cheese in a sentence can have me."

So the Doberman says, "I love liver and cheese." The Collie replies, "That's not good enough."

The Bulldog says, "I hate liver and cheese." She says, "That's not creative enough."

Finally, the Chihuahua says, "Liver alone . . . cheese mine."

Toyman01 (Forum Supporter)
Toyman01 (Forum Supporter) MegaDork
4/14/20 10:27 a.m.

Did you hear about the mathematician who's afraid of negative numbers?

He'll stop at nothing to avoid them. 

dculberson (Forum Supporter)
dculberson (Forum Supporter) MegaDork
4/14/20 12:06 p.m.

One from my 5 year old:

What did the one hat say to the other?

"You stay here, I'll go on a head."

jharry3
jharry3 HalfDork
4/14/20 12:27 p.m.

Back in the days Catholic nuns wore that big head gear with their habits the Mother Superior decided to go to a baseball game and take two of the other nuns with her.

They took a seat and immediately the 3 guys sitting behind them, who had already gone through a few beers apiece, started complaining about their view being blocked by the habit's head gear.

The first guy says "I'm from Las Vegas, there are only 50 nuns there.  I would never be stuck behind any nuns there"

The second guy says "I'm from Boise, there are only 25 nuns there, I would never be stuck behind any nuns there".

The third guy says "I'm from Fargo, there are only 10 nuns there, I would never be stuck behind any nuns there".

Mother Superior turns around, and in her most calm and holy voice says "Why don't you all go to Hell, there are no nuns there."

SVreX (Forum Supporter)
SVreX (Forum Supporter) MegaDork
4/15/20 5:40 p.m.

True story...

I just walked by a guy who is apparently a salesman for Twinkies, etc. 

He was wearing a name tag. 

It must be really embarrassing for a middle aged balding white guy to have to wear a name tag that says, “John Hostess”

wae (Forum Supporter)
wae (Forum Supporter) UltraDork
4/20/20 4:22 p.m.

I was going to post up a joke about the quarantine, but decided it would be rude to post an inside joke.

RX Reven'
RX Reven' SuperDork
5/2/20 2:33 p.m.

Converting the numbers 51, 6, & 500 to Roman numerals makes me LIVID.

Toyman01 (Forum Supporter)
Toyman01 (Forum Supporter) MegaDork
5/6/20 8:31 a.m.

A navy man fell asleep on the beach while on liberty. He woke up several hours later and had suffered a severe sunburn to his legs and was taken to the closest U.S. Naval Hospital. His skin had turned a bright red and was very painful and had started to blister. Anything that touched his legs caused agony.The lead on the medical staff in the emergency room at the naval hospital that night was a Chief Corpsman, . The Chief checked him out and then prescribed continued intravenous feedings of water, electrolytes, a mild sedative, and Viagra.

Rather astounded, the 3rd class corpsman, who was with the Chief inquired, "What good will Viagra do him in that condition?"

The Chief replied, "It'll keep the sheet off his legs."

Toyman01 (Forum Supporter)
Toyman01 (Forum Supporter) MegaDork
5/7/20 6:12 a.m.

Joke for the Day: Did you hear about the invisible man who married an invisible women? Yeah, their kids aren't much to look at either!

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