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Toyman01 (Forum Supporter)
Toyman01 (Forum Supporter) GRM+ Memberand MegaDork
5/12/20 8:22 a.m.

An 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise. When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It`s free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?". Peter`s reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisines of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don`t you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That`s the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong. The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault! If it weren't for you and your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

Dusterbd13-michael
Dusterbd13-michael MegaDork
5/12/20 8:26 a.m.

In reply to Toyman01 (Forum Supporter) :

I needed that this morning!

Toyman01 (Forum Supporter)
Toyman01 (Forum Supporter) GRM+ Memberand MegaDork
5/13/20 3:51 p.m.

This one is going to be a repeat but it's one of my favorites:

A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him. As he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their orders. The man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich, "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be $6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out the exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again. "The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man, "same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be $12.62."Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir.How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!"says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!" "That's right. Whether it's a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs, pauses, and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say."

dean1484
dean1484 GRM+ Memberand MegaDork
5/13/20 7:11 p.m.

When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago

Been married 20 plus years and still trying to get my wife to understand this. ;-)

Toyman01 (Forum Supporter)
Toyman01 (Forum Supporter) GRM+ Memberand MegaDork
5/14/20 5:20 a.m.

Did you hear about the retired CIA operative that turned into a designer for a kitchen remodeling business? He's know for his counter intelligence.

You know the meteor that killed al the dinosaurs? 

Never happened. Chuck Norris had a kidney stone.

Adrian_Thompson (Forum Supporter)
Adrian_Thompson (Forum Supporter) MegaDork
5/14/20 6:26 a.m.
dean1484 said:

When I say, “The other day,” I could be referring to any time between yesterday and 15 years ago

Been married 20 plus years and still trying to get my wife to understand this. ;-)

I told my wife I'd get around to doing it. I don't know why she feels the need to remind me about it every year. 

Brett_Murphy (Forum Patrón)
Brett_Murphy (Forum Patrón) GRM+ Memberand MegaDork
6/5/20 11:40 p.m.

What kind of prize do you give to somebody that hasn't exercised in a year?

A trophy.

barefootskater
barefootskater SuperDork
6/6/20 12:49 a.m.

In reply to Brett_Murphy (Forum Patrón) :

Took me a second. I'm both offended at the pun, and pleased that it was clever. 

 

In Dallas, TX, at a busy bus stop, a beautiful young woman wearing a
tight mini-skirt was waiting for a bus.

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became
Aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the
height of the first step of the bus. Slightly embarrassed and
with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to
unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her
Enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to
discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her
to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time
attempted the step.
Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.
With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to
unzip a little more, and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her,
Picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of
the bus.

She went ballistic, and turned to the would-be Samaritan and
yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you
are!"
The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would
Agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda
figured we was friends.

During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good manners,
Asked her students the following question: Michael, if you were on a date
having dinner with a nice young lady, how would you tell her that you have
to go to the bathroom? Michael said, "Just a minute I have to go pee." The
teacher responded by saying, That would be rude and impolite.

What about you Sherman, how would you say it? Sherman said, "I am sorry,
but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll be right back." That's
better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner
table.

And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us your
good manners? "I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a
moment? I have to shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I
hope to introduce you to after dinner."

Won't Drink Beer

There's a big conference of beer producers in the most beautiful town in the world: Amsterdam, the Netherlands.

At the end of the day, all of the presidents of all beer companies decide to have a drink in a bar. The president of 'Budweiser' orders a Bud, the president of 'Miller' orders a Miller Lite, Adolph Coors orders a Coors, and the list goes on.

Then the waitress asks Arthur Guinness what he wants to drink, and much to everybody's amazement, Mr. Guinness orders a Coke!

"Why don't you order a Guinness?" his colleagues ask.

"Naah. If you guys won't drink beer, then neither will I."

On the first day, God created the dog and said: 'Sit all day by the door of your house and bark at anyone who comes in or walks past. For this, I will give you a life span of twenty years.' The dog said: 'That's a long time to be barking. How about only ten years and I'll give you back the other ten?' So God agreed.

On the second day, God created the monkey and said: 'Entertain people, do tricks, and make them laugh. For this, I'll give you a twenty-year life span.' The monkey said: 'Monkey tricks for twenty years? That's a pretty long time to perform. How about I give you back ten like the Dog did?' And God agreed.

On the third day, God created the cow and said: 'You must go into the field with the farmer all day long and suffer under the sun, have calves and give milk to support the farmer's family. For this, I will give you a life span of sixty years.' The cow said: 'That's kind of a tough life you want me to live for sixty years. How about twenty and I'll give back the other forty?' And God agreed again.

On the fourth day, God created man and said: 'Eat, sleep, play, marry and enjoy your life. For this, I'll give you twenty years.' But man said: 'Only twenty years? Could you possibly give me my twenty, the forty the cow gave back, the ten the monkey gave back, and the ten the dog gave back; that makes eighty, okay?'' 'Okay,' said God, 'You asked for it.'

So that is why for our first twenty years we eat, sleep, play and enjoy ourselves. For the next forty years we slave in the sun to support our family. For the next ten years we do monkey tricks to entertain the grandchildren. And for the last ten years we sit on the front porch and bark at everyone.

Life has now been explained to you. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information. I'm doing it as a public service.

Welp..It finally happened to me today, I knew it would eventually, but I was ready. I came out of Walmart with my mask on and keeping six feet distance to everyone, pushed my cart to my truck, all the while wearing my mask. A woman was getting out of her car next to me with no mask. As I'm putting my bags into my truck she says, "Let me guess - you're a liberal. Cause that mask ain't gonna do anything for you except make you look stupid ." In anticipation of this happening, because I figured it might someday, I already had a response ready. I said "Look, I woke up with a temperature of 102 this morning (I didn't) plus I work around hundreds of people in close quarters (I don’t) so this is for your protection, not mine. How about I take it off and we hug like old friends?" I stepped toward her and acted as if I was taking off my mask. She stepped back away from me and went across to the next row of cars. I followed her, she kept walking away, I chased her, she ran... She fell down. I grabbed her foot. I pulled on her leg, just as I’m pulling yours. 

 

laugh

GameboyRMH
GameboyRMH GRM+ Memberand MegaDork
7/18/20 5:22 p.m.

If news of my death ever makes it into the news, I don't want it to say "the cause of death was not immediately known" or worse yet simply gloss over the reason entirely (unless I'm old enough that natural causes is a safe assumption). Say I died in a kite-flying accident if you must, and correct it later. Because whenever I read that a not-very-old person died and no reason is provided, the first thing I think is that the person killed themselves, and the second thing I think is that, more specifically, they might've been trying autoerotic asphyxiation at the time. Every time.

Steve_Jones
Steve_Jones Reader
7/18/20 7:02 p.m.

In reply to GameboyRMH :

I think AE got Robin Williams. 

RichardNZ
RichardNZ GRM+ Memberand New Reader
7/20/20 4:29 a.m.

1.. Ancient Egypt was inhabited by mummies and they all wrote in hydraulics. They lived in the Sarah Dessert. The climate of the Sarah is such that all the inhabitants have to live elsewhere

.2.. Moses led the Hebrew slaves to the Red Sea where they made unleavened bread, which is bread made without any ingredients. Moses went up on Mount Cyanide to get the Ten Commandments. He died before he ever reached Canada.

3.. Solomon had three hundred wives and seven hundred porcupines.

4.. The Greeks were a highly sculptured people, and without them we wouldn’t have history. The Greeks also had myths. A myth is a female moth.

5.. Socrates was a famous Greek teacher who went around giving people advice. They killed him. Socrates died from an overdose of wedlock. After his death, his career suffered a dramatic decline.
6.. In the Olympic games, Greeks ran races, jumped, hurled biscuits, and threw the java.

7.. Julius Caesar extinguished himself on the battlefields of Gaul. The Ides of March murdered him because they thought he was going to be king. Dying, he gasped out
“Tee hee, Brutus.”

8.. Joan of Arc was burnt to a steak and was canonized by
Bernard Shaw.

9.. Queen Elizabeth was the “Virgin Queen,” As a queen she was a success. When she exposed herself before her troops they all shouted, “Hurrah!”

10. It was an age of great inventions and discoveries. Guttenberg invented removable type and the Bible. Another important invention was the circulation of blood. Sir Walter Raleigh is a historical figure because he invented cigarettes and started smoking. Sir Francis Drake circumcised the world with a 100-foot clipper.

11. The greatest writer of the Renaissance was William Shakespeare. He was born in the year 1564, supposedly on his birthday. He never made much money and is famous only because of his plays. He wrote tragedies, comedies and hysterectomies all in Islamic pentameter. Romeo and Juliet are an example of a heroic couple.
Romeo’s last wish was to be laid by Juliet.

12. Writing at the same time as Shakespeare was Miguel Cervantes. He wrote “Donkey Hote.” The next great author was John Milton. Milton wrote “Paradise Lost.” Then his wife died and he wrote “Paradise Regained.”

13. Delegates from the original 13 states formed the Contented Congress. Thomas Jefferson, a Virgin and Benjamin Franklin were two singers of the Declaration of Independence. Franklin discovered electricity by rubbing two cats backward and declared, “A horse divided against itself cannot stand.”
Franklin died in 1790 and is still dead.

14.. Abraham Lincoln became Americas greatest Precedent. Lincoln’s mother died in infancy, and he was born in a log cabin which he built with his own hands. Abraham Lincoln freed the slaves by signing the Emasculation Proclamation. On the night of April 14, 1865, Lincoln went to the theater and got shot in his seat by on of the actors in a moving picture show. They believe the assinator was John Wilkes Booth, a supposingly insane actor.
This ruined Booth’s career.

15.. Johann Bach wrote a great many musical compositions and had a large number of children. In between he practiced on an old spinster which he kept in his attic. Bach died from 1750 to the present. Bach was the most famous composer in the world and so was Handel. Handel was half German, half Italian and half English. He was very large.

16.. Beethoven wrote music even though he was deaf. He was so deaf he wrote loud music. He took long walks in the forest even when everyone was calling for him.
Beethoven expired in 1827 and later died for this.

17.. The nineteenth century was a time of great many thoughts and inventions. People stopped reproducing by hand and started reproducing by machine. The invention of the steamboat caused a network of rivers to spring up. Cyrus McCormick invented the McCormick raper, which did the work of hundred men. Louis Pasteur discovered a cure for rabbits. Charles Darwin was a naturalist who wrote the “Organ of the Species.” Madman Curie discovered the radio.
And Karl Marx became the first of the Marx Brothers

stroker
stroker UberDork
7/20/20 6:57 a.m.

In reply to RichardNZ :

"Paradise Regained"...  laugh

A bus station is where the bus stops, a train station is where the train stops. Now you know why they call it a workstation.

SVreX (Forum Supporter)
SVreX (Forum Supporter) MegaDork
8/25/20 6:14 a.m.

2020 has been a rough ride for me. And I like it rough. 

By February I was ready to use the safe word!!

Robbie (Forum Supporter)
Robbie (Forum Supporter) GRM+ Memberand MegaDork
8/25/20 9:43 a.m.

In reply to SVreX (Forum Supporter) :

What is the safe word?

gearheadmb
gearheadmb SuperDork
8/25/20 10:17 a.m.
Robbie (Forum Supporter) said:

In reply to SVreX (Forum Supporter) :

What is the safe word?

HARDER MOTHER berkeleyER! GIVE ME ALL YOU GOT! It was not a well thought out safe word.

ultraclyde (Forum Supporter)
ultraclyde (Forum Supporter) GRM+ Memberand UltimaDork
8/25/20 11:12 a.m.

2020: The Year with No Safe Word.

 

Ashyukun (Robert)
Ashyukun (Robert) UberDork
8/25/20 1:16 p.m.

Joke for the Day: What do you get when you put a bird in a blender? 

Shredded tweet.

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