1 ... 60 61 62 63 64 65
johndej
johndej Dork
9/6/20 12:51 p.m.

Did you that 1968 pennies are worth nearly $20?

rob_lewis
rob_lewis UltraDork
9/18/20 8:49 a.m.

Some history:

Mahatma Gandhi was a very small man.  With his hunger strikes he was very weak and fragile.  When he did eat, it was mainly very spicy food and, given the times, dental hygiene was not regularly practiced.

Furthermore, he walked almost everywhere and rarely wore shoes.

So, to summarize:

Gandhi was a SuperCallusedFragileMysticPlaguedWithHalitosis....

 

I can hear the groans now....  :)

-Rob

Brett_Murphy (Ex-Patrón)
Brett_Murphy (Ex-Patrón) GRM+ Memberand MegaDork
9/18/20 10:35 a.m.

Did you hear that an outbreak of COVID-19 forced authorities to quarantine all of the people in John Lennon International Airport?

Imagine... all the people.

In reply to Brett_Murphy (Ex-Patrón) :

Groan....

cheeky

Greg Smith (Forum Supporter)
Greg Smith (Forum Supporter) Dork
9/19/20 8:04 p.m.
Brett_Murphy (Ex-Patrón) said:

Did you hear that an outbreak of COVID-19 forced authorities to quarantine all of the people in John Lennon International Airport?

Imagine... all the people.

...living in quarantine...

Recon1342
Recon1342 Dork
9/20/20 12:10 p.m.

In reply to rob_lewis :

SuperCallusedFragileMysticHexedwithHalitosis is the way I always heard it...

914Driver
914Driver GRM+ Memberand MegaDork
9/21/20 7:10 a.m.

A car full of Irish nuns is sitting at a traffic light in downtown Dublin, when a bunch of rowdy drunks pull up alongside of them.

"Hey, show us yer tits, ya bloody penguins!" shouts one of the drunks.

Quite shocked, Mother Superior turns to Sister Mary Immaculata and says, "I don't think they know who we are; show them your cross."

Sister Mary Immaculata rolls down her window and shouts, "Piss off, ya fookin' little wankers, before I come over there and rip yer balls off!"

Sister Mary Immaculata then rolls up her window, looks back at Mother Superior, quite innocently, and asks, "Did that sound cross enough?

 

914Driver
914Driver GRM+ Memberand MegaDork
9/21/20 7:53 a.m.
I think, I'm going to lose my drivers license and all just because of a stupid police officer...

The conversation went like this, when I got pulled over in my car:
Officer: "License and registration, please, I think you are drunk!"

Me: "I assure you, I did not drink anything."

Officer: "Ok, let's do a little test! Imagine driving in the dark on a highway at night, when you see two lights in the distance. What is this?"

Me: "A car."

Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Mercedes, an Audi or a Ford?"

Me:"I have no idea!"

Officer:"So, you're drunk."

Me:"But I didn't drink anything."

Officer:"Okay, one more test -- Imagine, you drive in the dark on a highway at night, and there is one light coming at you.What is it?

Me:"A motorcycle."

Officer:"Of course! But which one? A Honda, a Kawasaki or a Harley?"

Me:"I have no idea!"

Officer:"As I suspected, you're drunk!"

Then I started to get annoyed and asked a counter question.

Me:"So..., counter question -- You're driving in the dark on a highway at night and see a woman on the roadside. She wears a mini skirt, fishnet stockings, high heeled shoes and only a bra as a top. What is this?"


Officer:"A prostitute of course."


Me:"Yes, but which one? Your daughter, your wife or your mother?"

Things went downhill from there and now I have a court date to attend...
Robbie (Forum Supporter)
Robbie (Forum Supporter) GRM+ Memberand MegaDork
9/21/20 9:48 a.m.

In Spanish, there are two words for 'fish'. There's fish the animal and fish the food. 

Which would you use to translate "Swedish Fish"?

SVreX (Forum Supporter)
SVreX (Forum Supporter) MegaDork
9/21/20 2:28 p.m.

In reply to Robbie (Forum Supporter) :

la gomita del pez de Suecia

 

The important words are "gomita" and "Suecia".  Because everybody knows they aren't "fish"!  (although nobody has any idea what they are!) cheeky

barefootskater
barefootskater UltraDork
9/22/20 10:57 a.m.

wae
wae UltraDork
9/22/20 10:48 p.m.

What tool would you use to cut the ocean in half?

 

 

 

 

 

A Sea-saw!

914Driver
914Driver GRM+ Memberand MegaDork
9/29/20 3:06 p.m.


In a crowded city at a busy bus stop, a woman who was waiting for a bus was wearing a tight leather skirt. As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, she became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg.

Again, she tried to make the step only to discover she still couldn't. So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more.

For the second time she attempted the step, and once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg. With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to make the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and screeched, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!'

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

914Driver
914Driver GRM+ Memberand MegaDork
9/29/20 3:13 p.m.

I wouldn't want lesbian parents.

Not because I'm homophobic. I just don't want to get stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother."

Crxpilot
Crxpilot Reader
9/29/20 7:56 p.m.
914Driver said:



The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

I grew up thinking Jerry Clower wrote all these. He’s just good at tellin em is all.

 

 

ultraclyde (Forum Supporter)
ultraclyde (Forum Supporter) GRM+ Memberand UltimaDork
9/29/20 8:03 p.m.
914Driver said:

I wouldn't want lesbian parents.

Not because I'm homophobic. I just don't want to get stuck in an endless loop of "Go ask your mother."

I have them, and I have been there.  
 

well sort of. I never called mom's S.O. mom...

RichardNZ
RichardNZ GRM+ Memberand Reader
10/3/20 2:33 a.m.

The story of Irishman, Michael O’Flaherty – a victim of modern day depression

This is a very sad but true story of the depression that can haunt a man. My friend Michael was so sick and tired of the world; of COVID, the Chinese aggression, of Global Warming, of BLM and the rest of the stories that our media deem important to broadcast. Michael drove his car into his garage and then sealed every doorway and window as best he could. He got back into his car and wound down all the windows, selected his favourite radio station and started the car.

Two days later, a worried neighbour peered through his garage window and saw him in the car. She notified the police and ambulance and they broke in and pulled Michael from the car. A little sip of water and surprisingly he was in perfect condition but his Tesla had a flat battery.

jimbob_racing
jimbob_racing Dork
10/14/20 9:57 a.m.

Four married guys go fishing. After an hour, the following conversation took place...

First guy, "You have no idea what I had to do to be able to come out fishing this weekend. I had to promise my wife that I will paint every room in the house next weekend."

Second guy, "That's nothing; I had to promise my wife that I will build her a new deck for the pool."

Third guy, "Man, you both have it easy! 
I had to promise my wife that I will remodel the kitchen for her."
They continue to fish when they realized that the fourth guy has not said a word!

So they asked him. "You haven't said anything about what you had to do to be able to come fishing this weekend.
What's the deal?"

Fourth guy, "I just set my alarm for 5:30 am. When it went off, I shut off my alarm, gave the wife a nudge and said, "Fishing or sex," and she said, wear sun-block!

No Time
No Time Dork
10/20/20 9:06 p.m.

Not a joke, but a couple comics:


CAJUN PREGNANCY
Way down in Louisiana, Boudreaux's old lady had been pregnant for some time and now the time had come. So he brought her to the doctor and the doctor began to deliver the baby.
She had a little boy and the doctor looked over at Boudreaux and said, 
"Hey, Boudreaux, you just had a son!" Ain't dat girl and Boudreaux got excited by dis, but just then the doctor spoke up and said, "Hold on! We ain't finished yet!" The doctor then delivered a little girl. He said, "Hey, Boudreaux, you got yourself a daughter too! She a pretty lil ting."
Boudreaux got kind of puzzled by this and then the doctor said, "Hold 
on, we still ain't got done yet!" The doctor then delivered another boy 
and said, "Boudreaux, you just had yourself another boy!"
When Boudreaux and his wife went home with their 3 children, he sat 
down with his wife and said, "Mama, you remember dat night what we run 
out of Vaseline and we had to use dat dere Tree-in-One Oil?"
His wife said, "Yeah, I do!"
Boudreaux said, "Man, it's a good thing we didn't use no WD-Forty."

914Driver
914Driver GRM+ Memberand MegaDork
10/24/20 10:16 a.m.

An 18-year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months.

Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant.

Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "Who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!"

The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature, distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?"


At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him, "You try again."

Brett_Murphy (Ex-Patrón)
Brett_Murphy (Ex-Patrón) GRM+ Memberand MegaDork
11/5/20 9:11 p.m.

A man owned a small ranch near Great Falls, Montana. The Montana Labor Department got a tip that he was not paying proper wages to his help and sent an investigator out to interview him.

"I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them," demanded the investigator.

"Well," replied the rancher, "there's my ranch hand who's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1200 a week plus free room and board."

"The cook has been here for 18 months, and I pay her $1000 per week plus free room and board."

"Then there's the half-wit. He works about 18 hours every day, with no days off, and does about 90% of all the work around here. He makes about $10 per week and pays his own room and board."

"But, I buy him a bottle of bourbon every Saturday night, and he also sleeps with my wife occasionally."

"That's the guy I want to talk to... the half-wit," says the investigator.

"You're talking to him," replied the rancher.

Wally (Forum Supporter)
Wally (Forum Supporter) MegaDork
11/6/20 1:27 a.m.
Crxpilot said:
914Driver said:



The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

I grew up thinking Jerry Clower wrote all these. He’s just good at tellin em is all.

 

 

Jerry Clower didn't write a lot of those jokes but he certainly has a great way of telling them.  I could listen to him all day. 

Streetwiseguy
Streetwiseguy MegaDork
11/6/20 11:42 a.m.

Not so much a joke, but truth.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=n15UayMEw9U

1 ... 60 61 62 63 64 65
Our Preferred Partners
brJTbdDGNlEtJxShW7K8xT8G7rDhM4OgMk1GnDCzn7h3blajUgPnylfagK3p6P4h