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Streetwiseguy
Streetwiseguy MegaDork
1/28/21 6:28 a.m.

In reply to wae :

That's bad, Dad.

Dieselboss15
Dieselboss15 Reader
1/28/21 10:58 a.m.

what do you call a freezer full of blondes?

frosted flakes

I was thrown out of my weightwatchers weekly meeting for making sarcastic comments. As you can imagine, I accepted the decision with huge grace, they threw her out as well!

I just bought a thesaurus and when I got home all the pages were blank. I have no words to describe how angry I am.

RevRico
RevRico UltimaDork
2/2/21 9:43 a.m.

iceracer
iceracer MegaDork
2/2/21 1:35 p.m.

In reply to RevRico :

two fingers makes a V and  he is a  roman. 

jharry3
jharry3 HalfDork
2/3/21 6:59 a.m.

English cousin visiting his relatives in rural Tennessee in the 1800's.  They are riding from the train station in a buggy and come to a fork in the road.  Sign says 2 miles to Pigeon Forge, if you can't read ask the blacksmith.

A few minutes later the English cousin, Percy, starts laughing and just can't stop.  His American cousin, Clem, asks him "what is so funny?"     

His reply: "I say ol chap, what if the blacksmith isn't home?"

DrBoost
DrBoost MegaDork
2/3/21 7:50 a.m.

In reply to wae :

I have no idea.

Dieselboss15
Dieselboss15 Reader
2/3/21 1:00 p.m.

^^^^ cheers

Yourself
Yourself New Reader
2/3/21 7:33 p.m.

The nurse that vaccinated our county's top law enforcement officer, but not the other officers, just can't stop singing about it...

 

"I shot the sheriff, but I did not shoot the deputy..." 

Yourself
Yourself New Reader
2/4/21 8:49 a.m.

When the eccentric billionaire's favorite prostitute died he had a statue of her made and placed in the formal garden at the entrance to his estate. The body of the statue was cast in bronze and gold plated to symbolize what the money had bought, but from the neck up it was made of the finest Waterford crystal to represent her sparkling personality (and maybe how empty headed she was?).

The next day the State Police, FBI, CIA, and the Army all swarmed the area, carefully removed the statue's head and carried it away.

The billionaire was arrested and charged with possession of a new clear whore head.

Mndsm
Mndsm MegaDork
2/4/21 8:55 a.m.
RevRico said:

This is one of my favorite jokes. 

Dieselboss15
Dieselboss15 Reader
2/11/21 3:12 p.m.

Little Johnny

Little johnny's neighbors had a baby. his parents and him went to the neighbors house to congratulate them. before they left, little johnny's dad said to him, "now look, this baby doesn't have any ears, and the parents are pretty sensitive about it. Please don't make any comments." Well they went to the neighbors house, and after about 5 minutes, little johnny looked at the baby. then he looked at the parents and said, "Hopefully he doesn't ever need glasses."

Pete. (l33t FS)
Pete. (l33t FS) MegaDork
2/14/21 6:13 p.m.
KyAllroad (Jeremy) (Forum Supporter)
KyAllroad (Jeremy) (Forum Supporter) UltimaDork
2/15/21 8:50 a.m.

Understanding Engineers #1

Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." 

The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

Understanding Engineers #2

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. 
To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. 
To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" 
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" 
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." .......He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" 
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." 
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." 
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." 
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Understanding Engineers #4

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? 
Mechanical engineers build weapons. 
Civil engineers build targets.

Understanding Engineers #5

The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" 
The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" 
The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" 
The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

Understanding Engineers #6 

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." 
Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." 
The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

Understanding Engineers #7

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. 
Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.

Understanding Engineers #8

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." 
He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." 
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. 
The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." 
Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. 
Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" 
The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog 
............ now that's cool."

Keith Tanner
Keith Tanner GRM+ Memberand MegaDork
2/15/21 9:56 a.m.
KyAllroad (Jeremy) (Forum Supporter) said:

Understanding Engineers #3

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" 
The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" 
The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." .......He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" 
The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!." 
The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." 
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything she can do for them." 
The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"

Bwaa haa haaa! That's perfect.

Dieselboss15
Dieselboss15 Reader
3/4/21 12:33 p.m.

Picked up a hitchhiker. He asked me if I wasn’t afraid, he might be a serial killer? I told him the odds of two serial killers being in the same car was extremely unlikely.

noddaz
noddaz UltraDork
3/4/21 5:03 p.m.

In reply to Dieselboss15 :

That was good.  I used it at work...

914Driver
914Driver GRM+ Memberand MegaDork
3/8/21 3:27 p.m.

Went for lunch at a corner bar/restaurant today. Sat at a high-top table.
Waitress comes over, she is wearing a tightly stretched T-shirt with GUESS across the front.
I look down at her a little, then at her T-shirt, back to her face.


"Real. 36D"


She slapped me...

Steve_Jones
Steve_Jones HalfDork
3/8/21 7:00 p.m.

It's commonly known that a lot of last names originate from an ancestor's profession, or what they were known for, hundreds of years ago. 
If your last name is Smith, it's likely one of your ancestors was a blacksmith. 
If your last name is Cooper, they may have been a cooper, who were known for making barrels. 
If your last name is Dickinson I wouldn't delve too deep into your family history.

jimbob_racing
jimbob_racing SuperDork
3/9/21 1:24 p.m.

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop somewhere in Washington DC. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store,two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into the Potomac Tidal Basin with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the Basin, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop."So, you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze congressman. "

Dieselboss15
Dieselboss15 Reader
3/9/21 2:45 p.m.

In reply to Steve_Jones :

hahaha that's great lol

914Driver
914Driver GRM+ Memberand MegaDork
3/19/21 9:36 a.m.

A Minnesota couple decided to go to Florida during a brutally cold winter and visit the place they spent their honeymoon.  Because of hectic schedules it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans; so the husband flew to Florida on Thursday with his wife flying down the next day.

Hubby checked into the room and saw there was a computer so he sent his wife an email.  However he accidentally left one letter off her email address and without realizing his mistake, he hit send.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral.  He was a Minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack.  She decided to check her email expecting messages from family and friends.  After reading the first message she screamed, fainted and fell to the floor.  The widow's son rushed in the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:

To:  My darling wife.

Subject:  I've arrived.

Date:  17 March, 2021

    I know you're surprised to hear from me, they have computers here now and you're allowed to send emails to your loved ones.  I've just arrived and have checked in. I see that everything is prepared for your arrival tomorrow.  Looking forward to seeing you then.  Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was. 

P.S.  Sure is hot down here!

 

CJ (FS)
CJ (FS) GRM+ Memberand HalfDork
3/19/21 11:28 a.m.

C.O., U.S.S. Saratoga

Dear Captain,

When I got home I found that my father’s brick silo had been struck by lightning, knocking some of the bricks off at the top. I decided to fix the silo, and so I rigged up a beam, with a pulley and whip at the top of the silo, and hoisted a couple of barrels full of bricks to the top. When I got through fixing the silo there were a lot of bricks left over.

I hoisted the barrel back up again, secured the line at the bottom, and then went up and filled the barrel with extra bricks. Then I went down to the bottom and cast off the line.

Unfortunately, the barrel of bricks was heavier than I was and before I knew what was happening, the barrel started down and jerked me off the ground. I decided to hang on, and halfway up I met the barrel coming down and received a severe blow on the shoulder. I then continued on up to the top, banging my head against the beam and getting my fingers jammed in the pulley.

When the barrel hit the ground it busted the bottom, allowing all the bricks to spill out. I was now heavier than the barrel and so started down again at high speed. Halfway down I again met the barrel and received severe injuries to my shins. When I hit the ground I landed on the bricks, getting numerous painful cuts from the sharp edges.

At this point I must have lost my presence of mind because I let go of the rope. The barrel then came down and struck me another heavy blow on the head, putting me in the hospital for three days.

KyAllroad (Jeremy) (Forum Supporter)
KyAllroad (Jeremy) (Forum Supporter) UltimaDork
3/19/21 1:53 p.m.

In reply to CJ (FS) :

I'm pretty sure that joke was originally told in Egyptian by a pyramid builder.

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