Not a good day - Mom back in the hospital again

I worked my air shift and then called Mom and told her my old Mercedes had puked it's guts out. She drove all the way out to the radio station, about an hour's drive from the house, to pick me up. 

Since getting a tow truck to drag the old Benz from the middle of nowhere to civilization with a garage and tools was too expensive, even back then, Mom and I had to find a cheaper way. 

The cheaper way turned out to be a rented U-Haul for the big Mercedes towed by Mom's even bigger Chevy Kingswood Estate Wagon. Dad laughed at us and spent the day watching sports on TV with a beer in his hand while Mom and I went to fetch the old Finback. Dad was like that. 

I remember Mom, a middle aged school teacher at the time, helping me push that heavy old Mercedes up the ramp on to that trailer. Then she watched the trailer making sure that the tie downs or the hitch didn't break loose as the big Mercedes kept trying to wag the station wagon down the freeway. 

When we got the old Mercedes back to the house we found out that the coolant was coming from a blown head gasket. But the radiator was pretty bad too, as were most of the hoses. And so on. 

The Mercedes was so bad that Mom had to spend the rest of the day hauling me to Foreign Parts Stores to gather enough electrical parts to fix one of the dead MGs I had parked around the house so I would have something to drive to work for my next air shift in about 6 hours. 

She also later helped me get Mercedes parts from Von Housen's in Sacramento so I could get the Benz back on the road.

She was a great Mom and had a sense of humor about my crazy car problems.

Totally off topic, but after that one towing incident, Mom later loaned me the same station wagon so I could help my friend Rudy drag home a $500 Humber Super Snipe. 

Yes. A Five Hundred Dollar Humber Super Snipe. 

A few years later my Father loaned that same Kingswood Estate Wagon to my Sister's First Husband to flat tow his 1956 Ford F100 to Denver from California when they moved out there. He burned up the transmission taking it up I-70 and unceremoniously dumped it in a wrecking yard near Idaho Springs.

I still hate that guy.

I'm sorry for your loss man, you Mom sounds like the perfect one for a car guy to have. You did all you could and more for her and then some. You're a good son.

Your mom sounds amazing - i loved my mom but she would have never done anything like that, so color me jealous!

did she have a lot of knowledge about that kind of stuff or more of a "I can do it" spirit?  Or both perhaps??

I remember when we decided she had to go into assisted living, Adult Protective services tried to drop kick her into this crappy Medicaid Factory nursing home that was understaffed, in a deferred maintenance building and smelled of urine. When Mrs. Snowdoggie and I visited this place the front door was boarded up and the front desk was empty. A rough looking character who was there visiting a relative let us in the side door without even asking who we were and what our business was there. There was two to every room, the nursing alarms were off the hook and the patients looked neglected. I could go into more detail but you really don't want to know. The social worker was determined to put her in this facility. She said there where no other places in town with Medicaid beds available.  I swear there was some kind of kickback involved.

I did my research. Found out as power of attorney I could direct where she went. Talked to people in the nursing home business. Found this one woman who was a manager of one of the better facilities in town. Told me the place they wanted to send Mom had a bad reputation. She had no beds a available but had a friend who was working at a brand new luxury facility in North Dallas and by some bureaucratic rule had to take a certain number of Medicaid patients. She would get a private room. But I would have to move fast. I used my connections in the legal community to get the best Medicaid lawyer in town and got her on the phone to the new facility. We got Mom in there. And she remained there until she died yesterday. 

I did have a fight with the social worker when I got back to the hospital. The address to the old place was written on the white board in the room for the transport person. I erased it and put in the address to the new place. While I went around the corner to talk to the doctor, the social worker came in, erased my address from the white board and put her old one back in then left. I came back in changed the address on the white board again and sat there with Mom until the transport people came. 

When the transport driver got there I showed him my power of attorney and told him where to take mom. He agreed to take her there as the two attendants put her on the gurney. Then I followed the Acadian Medical Transport Van in my ratty Miata all the way to the new nursing home with lawyer's number on my phone ready to dial. I followed them all the way.

First good news in a while. Mrs. Snowdoggie and I both tested negative for Covid. I don't see how. I sat next to Mom in her hospital bed and held her hand for about two hours before the doctor chased me out. I even put her oxygen mask back up when it slipped off her nose. 

I guess that shows you the value of KN 95 masks and second booster shots.

Snowdoggie (Forum Supporter) said:

First good news in a while. Mrs. Snowdoggie and I both tested negative for Covid. I don't see how. I sat next to Mom in her hospital bed and held her hand for about two hours before the doctor chased me out. I even put her oxygen mask back up when it slipped off her nose. 

I guess that shows you the value of KN 95 masks and second booster shots.

My Daughter tested + 2 weeks ago, and one of my employees did last week. I've been around them both plenty with no mask on, and I'm fine.  My Wife is too.  It's not "walk into a room and BAM!, you have it" like many people believe. 2 hours in the same room, and you had a KN95 on? I would have been really surprised if you got it from that slight exposure.

Joining this thread kinda late, but I'm very sorry for the loss of your Mom. Even if it was time for her to move on, losing a Mom is tough. Good for you for finding her the right facility to live in when it was time.

I'm also sorry for your loss of that Kingswood Estate. That wasn't right.

And call me heartless, but anybody who pays $500 for an apparently non-running Humber Super Snipe needs to have his head examined.

Sorry for your loss. I feel for you man. Have recent experience here.

It's very impressive the care you provided for your Mom. 

No matter how you prepare yourself for the inevitable you are never fully prepared.

Dad passed away the last day of '21 at 98. He was a stout 97 until he broke his hip in March, never came back total after surgery and had complications from cancer. His health started declining rapidly in his last three weeks. 

Mom passed away in 2017, three years after suffering a severe stroke. Broke my heart to see her slowly decline. There were days she didn't know me. Her last ten days were under hospice care and the last three days on morphine. That hurt. I had to make peace with that... better place now. 

I have to think quality of life here.

Regarding anger: there were numerous instances between Mom and Dad's care from doctors, nurses, facilities etc. dropping the ball in my view that hampered their recovery. I was furious but I had to let it go. It's in the past, no fixing that. I can't blame you though for being angry.

Things happen fast. Dad managed Mom's funeral arrangements after she passed. He was 93, I only assisted him when asked. Dad passed just after 4 a.m., I was there by 4:30. Funeral home called before 7 a.m. He was transported before 9 a.m. We had a meeting at the FH at 11 a.m. for arrangements. 

It was four days of almost no sleep. After the burial and brunch for family and friends I got my beer on then slept for 12 hours. 

The memories never go away. I've been working at the folks home sorting and cleaning out. I'll find pics, papers, notes etc. that make me stop and relive the times, time well spent. I've been doing plumbing too. I run across something and think how did Dad do that? I'll have to ask him. I still do that seven months later.

Snowdoggie, you are a good son. You took great care of your Mom and went above and beyond. You should be very proud of that.

Best wishes. 

fasted58 said:

Regarding anger: there were numerous instances between Mom and Dad's care from doctors, nurses, facilities etc. dropping the ball in my view that hampered their recovery. I was furious but I had to let it go. It's in the past, no fixing that. I can't blame you though for being angry.

After having a few days to rest and reflect on what happened, I am less angry now. Our health system has been devastated by the pandemic. Everybody is overworked and understaffed. Who knows how many times that Doctor has been exposed to Covid or how many hours she works in a week.  Who knows what those ER doctors have seen. I went to the same emergency room about four years before Covid struck after a motorcycle crash and it seemed a lot better staffed and better organized before the pandemic.

I especially feel sorry for the workers I got to know in the nursing home. A few of them actually got infected with Covid and died. I would go in and take care of Mom so they could help other patients. I was there quite a bit. They have trouble finding workers and they don't pay that much. They all did the best they could. I remember bringing one of my dogs in there from time before Covid. The patients there would light up and line up to pet my rescue huskies. The workers loved the dogs too. Many of those patients never got visitors. I used to bring Mom's Border Collie, Cody, in to see her. I would close the door, the dog would sit down next to her bed, and it would be just like being at home. Cody died about a year and a half after Mom went in to the nursing home. He was old too.

Man, you make me want to get some dogs. What did people ever do to deserve dogs? :-)

In reply to dculberson :

My rescue group has plenty right now including puppies. Because of the economy, the end of the pandemic and working at home, the shelters are filling up and euthanizations are at an all time high. We are turning down dogs. I will be taking in a new foster after all this mess is over. She is a beautiful female husky who was used as breeding stock for a puppy mill. I only wish I could do more, but like most people today, my resources are more limited than they used to be.

My dogs have been right by my side through this whole clusterberk. Humans don't deserve dogs.

Went to the nursing home last night to pick up Mom's belongings and some clothes for her to be buried in. Not a good trip. It was a brand new building when Mom went in three years ago. It's not like it was before Covid. Very much understaffed now. Nobody at the nurses desk. Nurse buzzer ringing. Old women in the hallway sleeping in their wheelchairs. Many in as bad a shape as Mom was. Many suffering from lack of mobility and dementia. This is the last stop before the hospital and then the funeral home.

It really made me think about the last six years. First Mom started falling down in the bathroom. She didn't want anybody's help. She would still be able to read books and talk to relatives on the phone. Then there were the 911 calls and the trips to the hospital. She would go into a rehab facility and stay there until Medicaid stopped paying. And there was the paperwork. Always paperwork. Then she got back home and was OK for a while. Then there was that trip to the supermarket where she ended it by her handing me the keys to the car and telling me she was done driving. Last year her car, that my dad bought brand new was sold. I still miss it. That car has many memories. Then she was back in the rehab center and after a few weeks in the ICU. She almost died but we pulled her though. Then another rehab center and then back home. She was OK for a few months with home health care. They visited twice a day and there was also Meals on Wheels. Endless therapy. Then the she fell and her dog bit the meals on wheels guy. Many phone calls. Dog was quarantined at home and then pardoned by animal control. The dog was just protecting her. Then dehydration and a trip back to the ER. Then a hospital stay followed by another rehab place. Then she fell at the rehab place and ended up in the ER again. Then back to the nursing home. Then back home for a week followed by the ER again due to dehydration. This time was the last time she was ever at home. It was decided she at this point that she will be going into a skilled nursing facility for life. Then much paperwork. Much fighting with social workers, then to the nursing home where she spent the rest of her life. Soon dementia had got the better of her. She stopped reading and calling relatives. She stopped understanding what was on the TV. After a while she didn't know who I was and then she stopped talking. About 6 months after she entered the nursing home, Covid hit. Lockdown. Phone calls several times a week reporting residents and employees infected with Covid. Some of them died. They would usually come after 5:30 when I was in the office or driving home. I used to dread those phone calls.

After a year or so, the Covid count went down and I was allowed back in to visit. By this time she could not talk at all and she spent all of her time sleeping on the bed. Sometimes they would leave the television on so she had something to keep her company. I few weeks ago they would call me when she refused to eat anymore. This happened a few times before she made her final trip to the hospital.

What I went through with my mother in the last five years has me thinking about my own mortality. In about five years, she went from being an active and vital older woman to being almost a vegetable. She deteriorated, then she faded away. Will this be me in 30 years? Will this eventually be all of us? What do I want to do with the life I have left? Time is limited. It makes me think a lot on how I spend mine.

My head is not in a good place right now.

I wish I had something to share that would lift you up. But I have buried three parents, and your timeline of your mom's last years seems pretty universal to me. We are all left behind wishing and hoping we'd done right, and waiting for a pardon that will never come--whether it's a longed-for settlement of lifetime...stuff.. or just a benediction saying You did your best. I have decided that life lies in those messy, unfinished ends--if it were tidy, and every plot ended neatly, the stories wouldn't need to continue.

Sending you love and (hopefully) understanding tonight as you machete your way through the weeds of that leftover, unfinished life. You loved her, you fought for her, and if she didn't know the specifics of that story at the end, she knew your heart.

Margie

Thank you for sharing your story and her journey. You've been a good son to her and it was wonderful she had you to help you.

Marjorie Suddard said:

I wish I had something to share that would lift you up. But I have buried three parents, and your timeline of your mom's last years seems pretty universal to me. We are all left behind wishing and hoping we'd done right, and waiting for a pardon that will never come--whether it's a longed-for settlement of lifetime...stuff.. or just a benediction saying You did your best. I have decided that life lies in those messy, unfinished ends--if it were tidy, and every plot ended neatly, the stories wouldn't need to continue.

Sending you love and (hopefully) understanding tonight as you machete your way through the weeds of that leftover, unfinished life. You loved her, you fought for her, and if she didn't know the specifics of that story at the end, she knew your heart.

Margie

Thank you for all of your support. This place is unlike any other.

The funeral went well but I am exhausted. The whole thing was more expensive than I thought it would be. I am back to work now.

Feeling very beat down and depressed. I don't really feel like doing anything.

I know its hard to keep your chin up, but better days are coming somewhere down the line. Keep pulling. 

This is Maize. She is the new foster dog I am picking up this Saturday. She was dumped in a pound and had eight purebred husky pups right after we got her out. We think she came from a puppy mill and has never really been anywhere.

In the next two months I am going to bring her to every Doggie Water Park Event in the Dallas/Fort Worth Area. Just about every water park in the area opens up to dogs on their last day. We are going to all of them. We both need this. There is nothing more fun than a giant water park full of dogs.

I haven't even finished the paperwork on my mother's death yet and now I am nursing another dying dog. My 15 year old husky, Cherokee, couldn't get up this morning. I finally made a sling to pick up his backside so he could walk around the house, drink water and do his business. Went to the dog store and spent $60 I didn't have on Cosemin tablets, then triple dosed him and had fed him some canned dog food. I hope he pulls out of it. I just can't handle anybody else in my household dying right now. Still very depressed over what happened with Mom. I lost five other dogs in the last few years while taking care of Mom. They were all about the same age. Very depressing.

You have a hyperfocus on the end right now. What beginnings have you had in that timespan?

How's maize doing integrating to your life? Get some doggie fun in like you talked about in your last post yet?

In reply to Apexcarver :

I actually ended up with another foster dog named Finlay. She is even younger. Less than a year old.

Cherokee could still not get up without my help. He is having a hard time. Sometimes the puppy will lie down next to him.

We took Cherokee to a local swimming pool event on Saturday. He started limping after a few hours. I know this was probably his last water event.