rekindling an old relationship...

Dated a girl in my hometown about 35 years ago when I was about 25.  I'd have loved to gotten seriously involved at that time, but she wasn't interested.  I moved away and life went on through jobs, two marriages, two divorces and two kids.   It's been 10 years since wife #2 moved out and I've had zero success meeting anyone.  On a whim I posted a Missed Connections on Craigslist two days ago.  That evening I got an email from someone claiming the woman I was looking for was her "aunt in law".  Short version is that I ended up speaking with my long lost interest yesterday on the phone.  Got her phone number, email address and now we're friends on FB.  

So now I've got a legitimate romantic possibility for the first time in a decade.   Or do I?  She's single and semi-retired living in the general area of my hometown (which is 7 hours drive from here).   I was so ecstatic at the result of my search it didn't occur to me that she might not be interested in anything other than where we are right now, regardless of how enthusiastic she was to talk yesterday.  So, the short version of my question to The Hive is, how do you fight back the overwhelming "What If?" of your life and recent loneliness to just let things proceed on their own pace?   The distance is awkward but I hate talking on the phone and I can't stand texting.  I'd much rather email but it's too impersonal and detached.   Perhaps it's time to dust off the old longhand letter...?

Opinions or suggestions welcome. 

I can't offer any advice; sorry.  But I can offer a small but encouraging anecdote:

A friend is in his late 80s.  He was happily married for many decades, but his first wife unfortunately died about 8 years ago.

After a few years as a widower, he reconnected with a girl he had dated in high school but had obviously not ended up with 70 years ago.

They've had a romantic relationship ever since.

Good luck!

In reply to Duke :

My grandpa had a friend with a similar experience. I actually think he was my dad's hockey coach. Married to someone happily for 50+ years, spouse passes, then at a 60th or 65th high school reunion, got reacquainted with his HS sweetheart. 

Nothing ventured, nothing gained.

Call her. Ask if she'd like to meet up in person.

Take turns making the drive or flight.

stroker said:

The distance is awkward but I hate talking on the phone and I can't stand texting.  I'd much rather email but it's too impersonal and detached.   Perhaps it's time to dust off the old longhand letter...?

Opinions or suggestions welcome. 

Get a quill and an ink pot and some wax seals and slide into her DMs like it's 1799



Or more seriously, try to make calling or texting less miserable and do one of those...maybe with a headset or a Bluetooth keyboard for your phone? Texting with a full keyboard is a lot like emailing...

I've been trying to work myself up to signing up for the dating site that will FUBAR my privacy the least since that seems to be the only way dating works in today's cyberpunk dystopia.

Zoom?  Video chat feels a lot different from a phone conversation, IME.

Well, however you do it, you should let her know how you feel.  If I were in your shoes, I'd call her, but if a letter is more your style, then go for it.  Letters are cool.  There's a tangible remnant of the communication that can be read again and again, treasured, or even used as evidence in a court of law. 

Just do it.  Why wait?  Life is short.

codrus (Forum Supporter) said:

Zoom?  Video chat feels a lot different from a phone conversation, IME.

 

Zoom/FaceTime can make for a much more personal  feeling interaction, I found it very helpful for getting to know people when distance and schedules made meeting in person difficult. 

I will say that men typically desire to reconnect with women whom they found attractive and still find attractive, but are less likely to reconnect with those whom they never found attractive in the first place. This is partially why many men don't hold friendships - if you can't eff it, you don't care. 

Men hope that their "old flame status" will give them an edge with a woman far above their game otherwise. 

Women are more likely to reconnect as a means of being kind and seeing where people ended up. I've had plenty of women from my highschool days who connect with me on social media but are clearly happily married. 

Honestly, I would be inclined to merely ask - "hey I enjoyed talking with you, would you mind if we speak again soon, or maybe even get together in person sometime when I'm back in town?" 

If she ecstatically says yes, then maybe it's an indicator that "sometime" becomes "this weekend." 

If she's puts up a lot of barriers to more conversations and seems luke-warm about meeting up, it's possible that she stills lacks the interest. 

I would say that the problem with long distance friendships and long distance dating are the shared interests. Some people love reminiscing, and will do so the whole way into bed, but others (like my wife) hate talking about the past and instead loving talking about the future - but the future is difficult to talk about when you don't live near someone. 

GameboyRMH said:

stroker said:

The distance is awkward but I hate talking on the phone and I can't stand texting.  I'd much rather email but it's too impersonal and detached.   Perhaps it's time to dust off the old longhand letter...?

Opinions or suggestions welcome. 

 

Get a quill and an ink pot and some wax seals and slide into her DMs like it's 1799



Or more seriously, try to make calling or texting less miserable and do one of those...maybe with a headset or a Bluetooth keyboard for your phone? Texting with a full keyboard is a lot like emailing...

I've been trying to work myself up to signing up for the dating site that will FUBAR my privacy the least since that seems to be the only way dating works in today's cyberpunk dystopia.

     Internet dating is a lot like kissing your sister.  Until you have some skin in the game ( honest feelings, truth, explain your weaknesses as well as your strengths).  Chances are  the relationship won't go anywhere.   
       Yes in person is better but distance is a hurdle.  One or the other needs to commit to reducing the distance.  Maybe not until several long honest conversations in person occur but are you willing to sacrifice? Do you expect her to sacrifice?  

Will you regret missing a true love connection on your deathbed, or receiving a polite "oh that's so nice, but I am not in a place for romance right now" message.  

frenchyd said:

     Internet dating is a lot like kissing your sister.  Until you have some skin in the game ( honest feelings, truth, explain your weaknesses as well as your strengths).  Chances are  the relationship won't go anywhere.   
       Yes in person is better but distance is a hurdle.  One or the other needs to commit to reducing the distance.  Maybe not until several long honest conversations in person occur but are you willing to sacrifice? Do you expect her to sacrifice?  

To me the issues are that 1) it seems to be getting harder to meet women in real life in the first place (but maybe I just have all the wrong hobbies) and 2) people, especially women, are less interested in meeting for the first time face-to-face where there isn't a dating profile to read and/or social media profiles to check out beforehand, and these issues apply whether the person lives across the street or a 3-hour drive away. These are trends that have been building for years but it seems like the pandemic put the last nail in the coffin of making initial contact IRL.

I would think an adult woman of a certain age would appreciate or at least understand not wanting to waste time. I think it's ok to confidently share your interest in pursuing romance with this woman, but it does require some tact to not seem desperate or like you're jumping way ahead of yourselves.

I'd probably go with something like "It was great reconnecting with you. I'd love to do it again. Maybe we can grab a coffee (or whatever) and catch up next time I'm in town?" Then at some point (hopefully in person) follow up with "You know I've always wondered what could've been if we'd had more time together."

GameboyRMH said:

frenchyd said:

     Internet dating is a lot like kissing your sister.  Until you have some skin in the game ( honest feelings, truth, explain your weaknesses as well as your strengths).  Chances are  the relationship won't go anywhere.   
       Yes in person is better but distance is a hurdle.  One or the other needs to commit to reducing the distance.  Maybe not until several long honest conversations in person occur but are you willing to sacrifice? Do you expect her to sacrifice?  

To me the issues are that 1) it seems to be getting harder to meet women in real life in the first place (but maybe I just have all the wrong hobbies) and 2) people, especially women, are less interested in meeting for the first time face-to-face where there isn't a dating profile to read and/or social media profiles to check out beforehand, and these issues apply whether the person lives across the street or a 3-hour drive away. These are trends that have been building for years but it seems like the pandemic put the last nail in the coffin of making initial contact IRL.

If you want to be successful you have to be honest and up front.  Trying to pretend what you aren't just because you think that's what they want is a path to failure.  
        Just so you know,  I met my wife via the internet.  
 

You certainly should keep the communication going.  Not doing that guarantees that nothing will come of it.  The video chat is a great idea.  So is a good old fashioned snail mail letter or even a thinking of you card. As far as romance is concerned, it might happen or, it might not.  The two of you don't really know who each other are at this point and until you put in the effort to find out there's no way of knowing if that's an option.  Unless you're just looking for a hookup.  I can't help you there.  It's been over 40 years since I had any experience with anything like that.

Slow down, Hoss.

You should ask how she's been, with genuine curiosity and interest. And then focus on listening. She may volunteer a whole lotta crazy baggage that you'd rather avoid. A seven hour drive makes it pretty easy to politely say "it was nice catching up". Or it might go really well. 

pinchvalve (Forum Supporter) said:

Will you regret missing a true love connection on your deathbed, or receiving a polite "oh that's so nice, but I am not in a place for romance right now" message.  

He/she who dies with the least regrets.....wins.

All I'm gonna say is take it slow and easy.  Trust but verify.  

Be true to yourself, any compromises made will have to be lived with.

Don't be vulnerable, yet be open and confident

Joe Bonamasa says "Never make your move too soon".

That doesn't mean to sit back and wait for an angel to knock on your door.

Be available, but be careful you are not taken prisoner.

It appears the door is open, so step up and give it a knock it seems that is your desire.

Meet half way somewhere, see if the connection is still there? 

That way she has some skin in the game and you are on neutral turf and away from distractions.

Just two old friends catching up, what could go wrong?

Don't have expectations, stay light and positive, no rush.

My current mantra is to not create wreckage and avoid drama.

Balance that with "nothing ventured" and your in the game.

My neighbor hooked back up with his "old flame" and could not be happier.

At 60 both of you should be well past playing any games.

Text and say you'd like to set up a time to chat on the phone, agree on a time when the two of you can focus on the actual conversation and not driving/shopping/working.

Listen more than talk, see where things go but gently steer the conversation to a potential date for old times.

If she is interested and has a day off, offer  a lunch and afternoon date at somewhere reasonably between to two of you (if she won't put in some effort on her end, that's a sign you don't want to pursue things further).

Do a nice lunch and an afternoon activity that will allow you to walk slowly and chat while appreciating something.  A museum of some sort is good for this, you can discuss likes and dislikes and see how she deals with differences of opinion. 

If she is pleasant to be with and you like one anothers' company,  make plans for another date.  If things don't go well, shake hands and thank her for a lovely reminiscence.  If things go really well, let her take the lead you may be surprised how unwilling to waste time women can be.

Good luck.

bentwrench said:

 

Meet half way somewhere, see if the connection is still there? 

^This

You were more interested than she was the first time around so I think it's important that you establish the mindset of a 50/50 relationship going forward.

I see you're in Columbia, MO...is there some point of interest or significant event coming up that's roughly 3.5 hours in her direction?

stroker said:

Dated a girl in my hometown about 35 years ago when I was about 25.  I'd have loved to gotten seriously involved at that time, but she wasn't interested. 

If she wasn't interested then, why would she be interested now?

Have some self esteem. Find someone who actually likes you for you. World is too big a place to rummage through yesterday's trash...

In reply to mr2s2000elise :

I think it was more a question of time than personality then.  She had career aspirations and I think something more than a friendship wasn't on her radar right then...