Was hoping for an update as well.
Was hoping for an update as well.
She claims she “borrowed” several hundred dollars from her Dad a few months back and was trying to pay him back. I can’t confirm if that is even true since I do not talk to her Dad. We don’t get along.
Give her the money to pay him off? Just a thought.
Maybe it's just me, but borrowing money without saying something and then taking out money without saying anything to pay back that money doesn't really make it better, it just means that whatever this is started earlier than the other day.
So far we have-
An unsubstantiated loan.
Clandestine money management.
An FIL that is not on the best of terms with you.
This all sounds like a whole lot of "you're gonna be packing your E36 M3 sooner than youd like to" to me .
Mndsm said:So far we have-
An unsubstantiated loan.
Clandestine money management.
An FIL that is not on the best of terms with you.
This all sounds like a whole lot of "you're gonna be packing your E36 M3 sooner than youd like to" to me .
She doesn’t get along with her Dad either which makes it questionable. She only sees him twice a year...Thanksgiving and Christmas. Been like that for years.
Debt from long ago that was brought up and she said f this get the cash and take care of it ASAP?
TRoglodyte said:Give her the money to pay him off? Just a thought.
I like that idea, even though it may reveal something else.
SVreX said:Hers, mine, and ours doesn’t work too well if there is a big disparity in income, or if one spouse doesn't work.
Just came here to say that hers,mine,ours is working out just ducky and I make a little over 2x what my lovely wife does. I also contribute 2x what she does to the house account and pay the utilities out of the "mine" account.
Joint vacations and house stuff comes out of the house account. My expenses (my cars, bikes, hobbies, clothes, individual vacations, etc) I pay for. Her expenses (her car, individual vacations, etc) she pays for. We take turns buying groceries and paying for meals out. We both have individual checking, savings, retirement, investments. She wanted a new car, so she bought one. I am OK with a fun car and a daily, so thats what I drive. My cars are paid off, hers is not.
A lot of this has to deal with when you get married. We were both adults with good jobs and in our mid 30s when we got hitched. We both had savings, cars, etc and were operating as independent units. I had a house, she didn't, so it was easy to decide for her to move in with me, not the other way around. No kids, so our joint expenditures are actually pretty slim.
One of my best bros has 100% shared finances because when he got married, he and his wife were both flat broke. They needed all the help they could get from each other and had a very strict budget.
Hers/Mine/Ours is a great way to start relationship finances. After a few years of determining how the other person spends and earns money, you can mix it up a bit.
It works in my case, because my wife spends very little, but when she does, she doesn't overanalyze it. Something needs bought (or so she thinks) so she buys it. Luckily she's isn't a foody, a big drinker, or much for expensive clothing and shoes, so even though occasionally she'll buy something I find frivolous, that happens like...once a year.
I, on the other hand, need new tools, or bike parts, or tastey food. I like buying quality stuff, so on paper it looks like I'm spending a ton. It's just that I'm buying stuff for the two of us. I usually discuss most of my purchases with her.
Having separate spending accounts creates less stress in our relationship. As long as the bills are getting paid, the kid is taken care of, and she isn't asking me for money, I don't NEED to care about what she's spending money on.
I've heard the opposite case. Young people get hitched after knowing eachother a year. New wife decides she's done with work, but not done with nights at the bar, expensive yoga and shopping trips with friends. That's probably not as common as two equal earners but the new husband decides he needs a brand new lifted diesel truck when he's making $40k a year.
Financial behavior is the number 2 cause of divorce, just barely behind infidelity.
Suprf1y said:I don't disagree with most of the responses but I wouldn't have said anything. I would watch for further malfeasance, then when I knew what was really going on and had a plan I would ask.
In a situation like that I rarely ask a question unless I already know the answer.
Good luck and I hope you don't need it.
THIS
Red flag #1 - why did she need to borrow the money?
Red flag #2 - why wouldn't she discuss this need for cash with you first before asking her estranged father for it?
Red flag #3 - when she pays dad back it's from your joint account without your prior knowledge of the arrangement.
Red flag #4 - defensiveness instead of a straight up answer when the cash withdrawals are discovered.
All of these questions are rhetorical, as none of this is anyone's business but yours, but I would be asking some serious questions here and examining how much trust there really is in the relationship. Some ground rules need to be set or re-confirmed about communication and transparency.
Never lie to:
Good luck.
EastCoastMojo said:Red flag #1 - why did she need to borrow the money?
Red flag #2 - why wouldn't she discuss this need for cash with you first before asking her estranged father for it?
Red flag #3 - when she pays dad back it's from your joint account without your prior knowledge of the arrangement.
Red flag #4 - defensiveness instead of a straight up answer when the cash withdrawals are discovered.
All of these questions are rhetorical, as none of this is anyone's business but yours, but I would be asking some serious questions here and examining how much trust there really is in the relationship. Some ground rules need to be set or re-confirmed about communication and transparency.
I pretty much agree with this
mint.com as a financial aggregator can bring 100% transparency to the financial aspects of a relationship.
Used it for 10 yrs in a shared accounts marriage. Money never a problem. Every account visible through the app - investments, cash, savings, credit, loans. Each of us knew the conversation needed to happen before anything was spent.
My first thought is that maybe she's trying to help out her dad, whom she knows you don't get along with, and was trying to hide it w/ a lie about a loan. Still lots of red flags, but a bit more positive than assuming substance abuse, or something infedelitous.
Do you want a relationship with her or money? Does she feel the same. Hammer it out on the anvil.
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