Do you have a birthday coming up? You may have just nuked her plans. She will be pissed.
I'm with ECM. We have 3 accounts. Hers, mine, and ours. All house expenses come out of the house account. What she does with her account is her business and what I do with mine is my business. What happens with the house account is our business. That way we don't have to constantly ask permission to spend $100, unless it's going to affect the house account.
wvumtnbkr said:I don't care about the getting cash back at the store.
It would concern me about this happening in a volume that would constitute a large amount of money with no explanation.
That being said, there are plenty of ligitamate reasons to need to get out 100$ or so cash.
Did you ask about it? What was the response? Is money a source of arguments? Do you have a budget together?
Does she have a racecar?
I hate to be overly suspicious, but there isn't really any legitimate reason to pull out $120 in cash on three separate transactions.
In the past 10-11 years, I can think of exactly 2 instances when I needed cash (where debit/credit/Paypal/Google Pay/etc wouldn't work).
One, some guys I hired to do some tree work at the current house, did not take a card or check. Cash only.
Two, a super divey, buy well reviewed, hole in the wall mexican place that only takes cash.
Oh and 3, for parking when going downtown to concerts/sports/etc.
z31maniac said:wvumtnbkr said:I don't care about the getting cash back at the store.
It would concern me about this happening in a volume that would constitute a large amount of money with no explanation.
That being said, there are plenty of ligitamate reasons to need to get out 100$ or so cash.
Did you ask about it? What was the response? Is money a source of arguments? Do you have a budget together?
Does she have a racecar?
I hate to be overly suspicious, but there isn't really any legitimate reason to pull out $120 in cash on three separate transactions.
In the past 10-11 years, I can think of exactly 2 instances when I needed cash (where debit/credit/Paypal/Google Pay/etc wouldn't work).
One, some guys I hired to do some tree work at the current house, did not take a card or check. Cash only.
Two, a super divey, buy well reviewed, hole in the wall mexican place that only takes cash.
While I agree with you, just to play devils advocate there is likely a $40 limit on the cash-back transactions, hence the 3 transactions. If she needed $100 for a super divey mexican place with the worlds most expensive tacos, it is not unreasonable to do this. I've done literally the same thing when I needed cash fast to buy a guitar, and the only ATM that was surcharge free was about 2 hours away. Had to go to 3 pharmacies, but I got what I needed--cash, beer, deodorant, and some razors.
Now that I'm done playing the advocate, yeah there is definitely something fishy here. It isn't the fact that it was done, it was the reaction.
In reply to z31maniac :
I pull $500 in cash every time my pocket gets down to $50. But I pay cash for most things that aren't online.
It sounds suspicious to me. I'd keep a close watch on the bank accounts.
Of course, I had an ex wipe me out years ago so I may be more cautious than some. Like $40K, wipe me out, Checking, savings and CD's. Because we were still married at the time, nothing I could do, legally.
My current wife and I have had separate accounts from day one and 30 years later, it still works for us.
I hope it's something innocent and we're all over reacting. Good Luck.
I guess I'm living in the stone age...I didn't know this was a thing you could do.
My initial reaction is that the interaction around this cash withdrawal is probably just the surface symptoms of issues. If she is building a cash supply to purchase some surprise gift for you then awesome the moment that is made clear to you then shower her with hugs and praise. If not that then:
Also I have done cash withdrawals in the past on a regular basis as it was how I controlled my expenses on work travel to Asia until I found the right banks that had a relationship to allow me to pull cash out of the Asia based bank with no fees if I had the account in the right US bank linked. At some point several years ago many stores put in place a $40 limit on cash back transactions per account. So I would do what your SO did and hit up a couple different stores if I couldn't get to an ATM.
Serious question: Where do you guys live that ATMs aren't ubiquitous?
Or perhaps I'm spoiled since it doesn't matter what companies ATM I use. My bank refunds any fees charged back to my account.
So I go back to she didn't want that "Withdrawal Charge" to show up in the bank statement and why didn't she want it to.
In reply to z31maniac :
My credit union doesn’t have any locations in Manhattan where I work and the location near home isn’t that convenient. It’s much easier to get cash while I’m shopping instead of making another stop.
mtn said:While I agree with you, just to play devils advocate there is likely a $40 limit on the cash-back transactions, hence the 3 transactions. If she needed $100 for a super divey mexican place with the worlds most expensive tacos, it is not unreasonable to do this. I've done literally the same thing when I needed cash fast to buy a guitar, and the only ATM that was surcharge free was about 2 hours away. Had to go to 3 pharmacies, but I got what I needed--cash, beer, deodorant, and some razors.
Now that I'm done playing the advocate, yeah there is definitely something fishy here. It isn't the fact that it was done, it was the reaction.
Yes - a lot of places seem to have limits on cash back, usually $50 or so, so I could see spreading cash back across multiple places if you needed more cash. And if the only ATMs without fees are a long ways away, I can see getting a bunch of cash back to avoid fees.
The problem I see here is that while there are some perfectly reasonable explanations for why somebody would have three $40 cash outs in a day, but she got defensive and upset when you asked what was going on. Unless you have separate accounts - I could see her asking "Why are you going through my receipts?" and having a point if that's the case. But if it's shared money, "I see you spent $80 at Wal-Mart - what did we get for that?" is normally a reasonable question.
In reply to MadScientistMatt :
My wife stopped asking. I think she’d rather suspect i have a drug habit instead of how I spent $9 on the greatest ice cream sandwich ever.
Oh, and FWIW, I "manage" our finances. My wife doesn't like dealing with money. I probably ask her 3 times a week what some charge is on the card, not because I have a problem with her spending, but because I am always on the lookout for fraud. She doesn't get mad.
Hers, mine, ours.
Her income goes into hers. My income goes into mine. Monthly expenses are divided in half, sent to the "ours" acct.
We're bumping up the "ours" split because of baby.
Toyman01 said:Do you have a birthday coming up? You may have just nuked her plans. She will be pissed.
I'm with ECM. We have 3 accounts. Hers, mine, and ours. All house expenses come out of the house account. What she does with her account is her business and what I do with mine is my business. What happens with the house account is our business. That way we don't have to constantly ask permission to spend $100, unless it's going to affect the house account.
This is basically how my wife and I are setup and it’s worked for us for 15 years. I’d go nuts if I had to ask permission to spend money....my automotive addiction....err hobby would not be pleased.
Hers, mine, and ours doesn’t work too well if there is a big disparity in income, or if one spouse doesn't work.
SVreX said:Hers, mine, and ours doesn’t work too well if there is a big disparity in income, or if one spouse doesn't work.
It works fairly well. My wife hasn't had a job in 10 years. She has a side business as a wedding officiant and makes several hundred a month. That money is hers and goes in her account. I fund the house account because I'm the primary bread winner. That is the ours. I also fund my account with several hundred a month.
If either of us needs extra funds for something we discuss it and fund it as necessary.
My wife just needed some dental work to the tune of $1400. Funding for that came from all the accounts.
In reply to z31maniac :
Never needed cash for more than one or two things? You must not buy many $500 hoopties. Shady players in an alleyway don't take PayPal.
Appleseed said:In reply to z31maniac :
Never needed cash for more than one or two things? You must not buy many $500 hoopties. Shady players in an alleyway don't take PayPal.
Z31 buys nice cars.
Appleseed said:In reply to z31maniac :
Never needed cash for more than one or two things? You must not buy many $500 hoopties. Shady players in an alleyway don't take PayPal.
Nope. The last time I bought a pure, play car was like 2012? You can't pull $2500 in cash from the ATM.
I don't like driving hoopties anymore.
In reply to Toyman01 :
Same thing here. Mrs. works part time, part of the year and keeps all of her money for lunches with friends and small things. We don't pay for dental, but it's not out of the ordinary for me to come home and she says, I just booked a trip I'm going to XX next month with my friends. It works because I sometimes bring a new car/bike/parts home and she doesn't care. At all.
In reply to z31maniac :
You've changed, man. 
Appleseed said:In reply to z31maniac :
You've changed, man.
Haha! I'd love another E30 project, but ones that aren't completely rotten are too $$$ nowadays.
Anyone else wondering if the OP ever got to the bottom of this particular can of worms?
Yes
Enquiring minds want to know!
Toyman01 said:SVreX said:Hers, mine, and ours doesn’t work too well if there is a big disparity in income, or if one spouse doesn't work.
It works fairly well. My wife hasn't had a job in 10 years. She has a side business as a wedding officiant and makes several hundred a month. That money is hers and goes in her account. I fund the house account because I'm the primary bread winner. That is the ours. I also fund my account with several hundred a month.
If either of us needs extra funds for something we discuss it and fund it as necessary.
My wife just needed some dental work to the tune of $1400. Funding for that came from all the accounts.
I understand what you are saying, but it still doesn’t change the dynamic.
One person makes a lot more. That will always leave open the possibility of resentment from the one who makes more, or feelings of valulessness from the person who makes less.
If things go sideways in the marriage, it’s very easy for one person to feel they contributed more, and therefore they are due more.
In my case, it’s the opposite. My wife has never worked, and I have always supported everything she wanted. But when life changes came, she struggled deeply with issues about her self worth, largely because her bank account was so much less.
So, I respect the “hers, mine, and ours” approach, but I also recognize the “what’s mine is yours, and what’s yours is mine” approach.
And I think it is a particularly difficult issue for men to see, especially when they are the primary breadwinner.
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