So was I wrong?

Little bit of back story here.  My step daughter works as a hostess for a local pretty nice restaurant.  My sister in law is a manager there and helped hire her last summer.   The agreement was that as long as she was in school she would work no more than 3 nights a week (schoolwork takes priority 100%).   Recently her schedule picked up and she was working 4 nights a week (like 4 in a row weekday evenings till close).  Poor kid was so exhausted she was almost in tears coming home by the end.

Daughter doesn’t want to say anything because she doesn’t want to rock the boat or appear to be complaining.  So I text my SIL and ask if she knew of the schedule agreement.  Apparently she didn’t and thought it was 4 nights a week and the place is short handed.   So I very nicely ask for her schedule to get lightened as school needs to take priority.

So today I get to our mothers house for Easter and my brother tears into me about how inappropriate it was for me to text SIL and how much I stressed her out by doing so and I should know how much stress she’s under for a variety of reasons. I gotta say, while I get where he’s coming from (daughter is 18 and it is a “real” job) that as long as she’s my kid and I’m responsible for getting her through HS with a strong finish I give less than a flying berkeley about “appropriate”.

So was I wrong?  Brother was absolutely certain he was right.  I’m not so sure. 

Take care of your kids.  Let others deal with their stuff. 

You’re right, he’s wrong. This job is just a job, not a career.

If you did anything wrong, it was that you took the helm and didn’t have your daughter do it. Good experience to know when to say “no” and to do it yourself. Help your daughter by telling her what to do, which in this situation is to tell management to decrease her hours or she needs to resign. 

And that’s not to say that what you did do was wrong—it may have been the exact thing necessary, I don’t know her or the dynamic. She’ll have to grow into that confidence eventually, but she’s still a kid. Good job, Dad. 

Brother was absolutely certain he was right about how to raise your kid?

berkeley that. 

...I can’t speak for KY, but in SC state law limits how many hours a high school student can work. 

SIL should run her business like a business, and not dump on relatives because she is poor at managing her own stress. 

BIL has stress because SIL has stress.  

Your daughter relieved that stress.  

You pull the daughter so the stress increased for SIL/BIL

BIL had little regard for you and daughter.  Mostly, he just wanted his problems solved (even if that created problems for you/daughter.)  

This win goes to you.  You did the right thing.  

Still in high school = it's your issue.  Not to speculate, but it seems logical that your daughter was being "overbooked" because (as your brother indicated) your SIL is stressed with scheduling, so she ads your daughter in because she's family and it's assumed she won't complain.  Might not even be a conscious thing, but it's still a problem.  

This is your brother's problem, not yours.

Now if you are still doing it when your daughter is 23, that's a different scenario.  

But that is like, his truth man!

In your situation, I would have handled it exactly as you did.

Hostess job < Education. End of discussion. 

I would say the bother needs to simmer down and have a snapple. 3 days a week is better than no days, and if you already agree school is king, that's the end of that. 

Thanks guys, I appreciate the confirmation.  FWIW, I just spoke with Tiger Mom and she agreed with me (us) as well and her opinion is the most important one of all.

It’s just nice to know my instincts were correct on this one.  And I wouldn’t helicopter parent her at 23 but for now, still my call.

Your brothers also an shiny happy person for ambushing you at a family holiday with that E36 M3. Bring it up man to man separately, holidays are for enjoying company. Got a problem with that don’t come to Easter dinner. 

dculberson said:

Got a problem with that don’t come to Easter dinner. 

Or, if you just can't wait, mention it calmly. Though, I gotta say, it sounds like the two people that should have talked (your daughter and your SIL) are the ones that didn't do any talking.

John Welsh said:

BIL has stress because SIL has stress.  

Your daughter relieved that stress.  

You pull the daughter so the stress increased for SIL/BIL

BIL had little regard for you and daughter.  Mostly, he just wanted his problems solved (even if that created problems for you/daughter.)  

This win goes to you.  You did the right thing.  

This.  He's "siding" with the closest thing to him.  It's normal.  I don't have kids, but I think you did the right thing.  Set boundaries that align with your values.  You can expect others to not like it.

Your brother is wrong and deluded. You can tell by the way he acted that even he knows hes wrong and trying to yell over the truth. The overreaction by the SIL makes me think she knows it too

They also were taking advantage of your step daughter, you and your wife should really be quite angry about that IMO

Really any situation that calls for so little drama and is causing so much drama means the other person has been caught in a wrong and knows it,

Take care of your kids.

The rest doesn't matter.

Reminds me of what my wife went through in grad school. She worked at a bagel joint part time while going to school full time to cover some living expenses. She got friendly with the manager and suddenly she's on the schedule full time (which she didn't want) in addition to being a full time student resulting in 4 hours of sleep a night. She slipped from being an A student to below C, threatening to fail a harder class which could have lost her scholarship. Talks to manager about it, no change. Submits in writing, no change. Last pass in writing with an additional note from a professor she related with. Lip service and manager starts giving her a hard time "I'm managing and going to grad school" yeah, online for the manager.  

I talked now-wife into taking out a cost of living loan and quitting. Instant drama with manager claiming she was blindsided... Yup, not a friend, just someone using her. She, after a few nights of actual sleep, instantly went back to straight A's.

I'm not you in your situation. The right actions happened in your case. Only thing would possibly have been making it a strong teachable moment for your daughter about being used and taking action to stop it. Which I have a feeling you are talking through with her. 

People don't always use people to be mean, it can be convenience and lack of perception, even by people who love us. Quitting that job was a life altering empowering moment for my wife. She's doesn't take crap from anyone (especially me!) nowadays and it's served her very well.

Good to see a parent taking care of thier kids and not allowing them to be taken advantage of.

SIL is should work harder to find people to work for her.

alfadriver said:

Good to see a parent taking care of thier kids and not allowing them to be taken advantage of [Canoeing Links].

SIL is should work harder to find people to work for her.

Agree!

Brother is wrong! Ideally problem should have never got past a discussion between SIL and step daughter.  If SIL is having some stress, well, that is part of the job. She set herself up with what I call a time bomb. Problem arises and a temporary fix is put in place and then forgotten about until it blows up.

But, your step daughter needs to remind her that this time bomb has a countdown clock on it. It is not complaining or rocking the boat, just a simple reminder. The fact that you stepped in to be the reminder is not the cause of the SIL stress. The problem is that the SIL did not fix the problem in a timely manner.

Sil shifted her problem to step daughter, step daughter shifted problem to you, you shifted problem BACK to SIL (where it belonged all along), SIL shifted problem to her husband who is trying to shift it back to you!

I have been training restaurant workers for 30 odd years and this is a common problem.

Bruce

Antihero said:

Really any situation that calls for so little drama and is causing so much drama means the other person has been caught in a wrong and knows it,

I just want to call out this quote.  It's one of the best I've read in a while, Antihero!

The first restaurant opened in ancient Mesopotamia in 3400BC and young servers were scheduled more than they asked to be because they were shorthanded. No restaurant since has ever honored the number of hours their staff wanted to work, and none ever will.  In any restaurant anywhere, if you don't say no to extra shifts, you will work every day the place is open. For my daughter, she was stressed about picking up too many shifts until I told her to say no to her boss or I would pull the plug completely. She got the nerve up to say no and sure enough, the boss shifted to other employees. 

sounds like your brother isn't getting enough protein in his diet.   a bag of dicks is a good source of protein.   he should eat one, maybe two.

it was right for you to make the request for your step-daughter.   if you used it as a teaching moment for the step-daughter, ie "here's a real-life situation, here's a way to handle it professionally, i'll do it this time as an example" then everyone under your roof is a winner.

pinchvalve said:

The first restaurant opened in ancient Mesopotamia in 3400BC and young servers were scheduled more than they asked to be because they were shorthanded. No restaurant since has ever honored the number of hours their staff wanted to work, and none ever will.  In any restaurant anywhere, if you don't say no to extra shifts, you will work every day the place is open. For my daughter, she was stressed about picking up too many shifts until I told her to say no to her boss or I would pull the plug completely. She got the nerve up to say no and sure enough, the boss shifted to other employees. 

Absolutely pathetic excuse for poor leadership, or for taking advantage of family members. 

They’re splitting hairs with the she’s 18 argument too.  Technically she is an adult and doesn’t need you to interfere but she’s also a high school student who needs to focus on graduating. Your job is to help that happen and if reminding your sister that she’s got responsibilities outside of work than so be it.