cracked: 5 car mods to stop

5 Wildly Popular Car Modifications That Must Be Stopped

Are you worried that the bottom of your car is too far away from speed bumps to take any damage, but you don't want to mess with your suspension by lowering it? Well, "aerodynamic" body kits are for you!

funny, but it would have been more amusing a few years ago

Buick portholes on non Buicks. When I find the guy who designed these stick on abominations at his million dollar mansion, I'm kicking him in the nuts.

Portholes on 300s. Portholes on Cadillacs. Portholes on Neons. Portholes on FWD Impalas. Portholes on Civics. Portholes on pickups. Ungh!

My favorite fake portholes:

I can feel the bile and giggles rising at the same time.

Appleseed wrote: Buick portholes on non Buicks. When I find the guy who designed these stick on abominations at his million dollar mansion, I'm kicking him in the nuts. Portholes on 300s. Portholes on Cadillacs. Portholes on Neons. Portholes on FWD Impalas. Portholes on Civics. Portholes on pickups. Ungh!

Ventiports. . . . . .

carry on.

It is actually quite amazing how the ricer scene has (IMO) COMPLETELY died.

In reply to HiTempguy:

It's still alive in the Midwest with the Hispanic crowd.

petegossett wrote: In reply to HiTempguy: It's still alive in the Midwest with the Hispanic crowd.

We call those people "mexicans" up here, and we only see them when we go on vacations to Mexico

Donks. Please, dear lord, let this one die.

Donks amuse me. I know, they're terrible. But follow my reasoning for a sec-

I've seen some with some WICKED paint work. Like OG west coast lowrider paintwork. And I don't care who you are, good paint is good paint. And some of the engineering the "artists" have come up with to jack those silly cars to the sky is rather impressive to me. It's grassroots, in its own idiotic way. S10 spindles, hockey pucked springs, etc. Say what you will about the look, I agree it's mctarded deluxe with a side of stupid fries, but there is a LOT of work that goes into some of them. And unlike a lot of "show only" cars, if these pigs were properly fitted, they'd be fast. I'm seeing a lot of the traditional GM donks with huge engines, superchargers, etc. I can get behind that.

HiTempguy wrote:

petegossett wrote: In reply to HiTempguy: It's still alive in the Midwest with the Hispanic crowd.

We call those people "mexicans" up here, and we only see them when we go on vacations to Mexico

I see them whenever I go get me a batch of awesome tacos. Helps that I live about 3 miles from the biggest hispanic community in MN. Plus cruising friday nights on Robert is GUARANTEED hilarity.

Appleseed wrote: Buick portholes on non Buicks. When I find the guy who designed these stick on abominations at his million dollar mansion, I'm kicking him in the nuts.

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I'm pretty sure a certain large forum-goer is or was involved in manufacturing such a product.

Send video of your attempt, please.

Appleseed wrote: Buick portholes on non Buicks. When I find the guy who designed these stick on abominations at his million dollar mansion, I'm kicking him in the nuts. Portholes on 300s. Portholes on Cadillacs. Portholes on Neons. Portholes on FWD Impalas. Portholes on Civics. Portholes on pickups. Ungh!

The wife of the MD who owns the Immediate Care next to where I practice has an E46 M3 conv. with portholes. (She also dyes here hair red & lets the roots grow out.)

Warning: potentially inflammatory political commentary below.

SUVs with 24" wheels? Please. As if you could find any other way of wasting our natural resources than using a huge SUV as a daily driver, adding 285mm rubber and massively heavy wheels to it doesn't win any points with me.

I have an F150 with 235mm 16" rubber that I use as a daily driver and I feel guilty enough, but at least I NEED a truck because I constantly haul heavy parts for work, tow large trailers, use it to maintain a ranch, and use it as a truck, not just a daily driver. My wife and I also have a Scion for anything that doesn't require heavy truck use. I at least feel like I'm trying by using the bare minimum of truck to accomplish the tasks I need instead of riding around in a dually to drop off the kids at soccer practice.

Living in TX I constantly see Escalades, Expeditions, and Avalanches with huge wheels and brush guards being used as commuter cars and it makes me want to vomit. People complain about the economy and the job market and choose to drive a 12 mpg vehicle? Please. These are the same people who support the oil war in the middle east. Glad to see you want our children to die so we can kill innocent Muslims and so you can afford the fuel for your Hummer.

If you're going to spend $40,000 on a vehicle that gets crappy mileage, make it a Viper or something respectable. Seriously, I paid $4500 for a bare-minimum truck that is reliable and doesn't waste anything it doesn't need to. If you're going to buy a vehicle that requires death to our human, Muslim brothers and sisters, at least make their death worthy by using it like it was designed to be used, not just as a compensation for a small penis.

< /soapbox >

petegossett wrote: In reply to HiTempguy: It's still alive in the Midwest with the Hispanic crowd.

Yeah--the Honda thing went from Asians to whites to Latinos over the years. And then my EG Civic got stolen from my driveway and found stripped in the ghetto.

That said, I like that Hondas are back out of the mainstream. There are still enthusiasts--just way fewer.

THAT said--the article in the OP is about 10-13 years behind the times. If anyone remembers Bryan's Riceboy Page or Beaterz.com, they were making these same observations in the 90's.

In reply to gamby:

I miss Beaterz.com. Hasn't been updated in years, but last I checked, the site was still up. Might have to go look again.

I seem to remember seeing some build photos of that car ages ago. It was all metal. No fiberglass, no urethane, just some compound curves and some serious welding. It looks a little ridiculous, but you have to admit, they pulled it off.

Jay wrote: I seem to remember seeing some build photos of that car ages ago. It was all metal. No fiberglass, no urethane, just some compound curves and some serious welding. It looks a little ridiculous, but you have to admit, they pulled it off.

If that's true, I'd score it like this:

Skill/execution: +1000 concept: -900

In reply to curtis73:

Right you are

mndsm wrote: Donks amuse me. I know, they're terrible. But follow my reasoning for a sec- I've seen some with some WICKED paint work. Like OG west coast lowrider paintwork. And I don't care who you are, good paint is good paint. And some of the engineering the "artists" have come up with to jack those silly cars to the sky is rather impressive to me. It's grassroots, in its own idiotic way. S10 spindles, hockey pucked springs, etc. Say what you will about the look, I agree it's mctarded deluxe with a side of stupid fries, but there is a LOT of work that goes into some of them. And unlike a lot of "show only" cars, if these pigs were properly fitted, they'd be fast. I'm seeing a lot of the traditional GM donks with huge engines, superchargers, etc. I can get behind that.

You can't defend the fact that the center of gravity on those things is about two feet higher than the auto manufacturer intended. I know that doesn't help cornering, even if you've now got wheels three feet high and two feet wide.

Donks may be the second stupidest thing to have ever happened to cars (after ricers). I love the dumb ass "sponsored" cars. I mean Cat really.

I hate Donks. The trend with them in the Gump is to hang truck nutz on them and train horns and go around pissing everyone off because your a stupid faggot in your Caprice and I hope you tip over

DoctorBlade wrote:

mndsm wrote: Donks amuse me. I know, they're terrible. But follow my reasoning for a sec- I've seen some with some WICKED paint work. Like OG west coast lowrider paintwork. And I don't care who you are, good paint is good paint. And some of the engineering the "artists" have come up with to jack those silly cars to the sky is rather impressive to me. It's grassroots, in its own idiotic way. S10 spindles, hockey pucked springs, etc. Say what you will about the look, I agree it's mctarded deluxe with a side of stupid fries, but there is a LOT of work that goes into some of them. And unlike a lot of "show only" cars, if these pigs were properly fitted, they'd be fast. I'm seeing a lot of the traditional GM donks with huge engines, superchargers, etc. I can get behind that.

You can't defend the fact that the center of gravity on those things is about two feet higher than the auto manufacturer intended. I know that doesn't help cornering, even if you've now got wheels three feet high and two feet wide.

No, there is no defending that. I mean, they are truly the most ridiculous thing anyones' ever thought of. But there's certain elements within them that I can get behind. Just like lowriders. Love em or hate em, you gotta admit, the hydraulics required to get a 4000lb car to hop straight the hell off the ground 4 feet in the air is impressive.

I love Cracked.com. Thanks for the link.

While I wouldn't own a Donk on purpose my Chump Car team built one for the Lemons race at CMP.

BEHOLD! The majesty.

We gave it to them for use as a pit car and then stole it back when they penalized us for having the audacity of letting a Mustang barrel into our lobotomized Escort.

I find donks hilarious! Especially because all the donks around here are painted with candy themes. I saw the late 90's "Nerds" Caprice. There was recently a mid 80's Buick with "Reese's" down the side. Makes me laugh all the time! I don't see anything wrong with being a rolling punchline!

EDIT - Pics or it didn't happen right?

Interior shot:

JoeyM wrote: 5 Wildly Popular Car Modifications That Must Be Stopped

haha.... 'front windshield'