Drunken Self Control

tuna55 wrote:

Zomby Woof wrote: Angrycorvair might have some advice. I'm not touching this one, lest I be called a DB.

Never going to get old, never.

Keep it up, and I'll start mocking you too

PHeller wrote: He's in Germany to learn how to make Beer. So yes, silly.

Yeeaaaahhh, well. Dunno. I’ve known people over the years who brewed beer but never drank to excess. But – I’ll leave it at that.

fast_eddie_72 wrote:

PHeller wrote: He's in Germany to learn how to make Beer. So yes, silly.

Yeeaaaahhh, well. Dunno. I’ve known people over the years who brewed beer but never drank to excess. But – I’ll leave it at that.

This was a special occasion. We'd just finished the second battery of exams and then went to a pub to watch a big Champions League soccer match.

Salanis wrote:

Osterkraut wrote: After six years, if you haven't E36 M3 it's time to get off the pot.

We've mostly been waiting for me to get things more settled and on track career-wise. Finishing up this program should finally solve tht.

I guess I see too many opposing deployment cycle (he's gone when she's back, etc)/ separately assigned married couples to put any weight into statements like that. Hell I even know a couple in two different branches. Whatever's working for you, though.

Salanis wrote:

Osterkraut wrote: After six years, if you haven't E36 M3 it's time to get off the pot.

We've mostly been waiting for me to get things more settled and on track career-wise. Finishing up this program should finally solve tht.

Would you say your relationship started as a friendship, or did it immediately become serious with labels and all that?

When you feel the urge go to the movies !

PHeller wrote: 6 years? Are you massively in debt? Has she been massively in debt? Have you guy lived together?

Yes. No. No. Essentially (we had out own apartments but I spent pretty much all my time at her's).

Perhaps a better way of saying it is, we have a wonderful relationship, and if it ain't broke, why fix it? Didn't really see a reason to get engaged or married. Don't want kids. No real social or economic reasons to do it. The idea that getting married is just what you're "supposed" to do after a certain period of time is not reason enough for me. I've also dealt with parents getting three divorces, and I am more averse to divorce than in favor of marriage.

Also had the strong sense that something like what is going on now would happen. That something would make my life chaotic, or that one of us would need to relocate for a career or something. We did not want to get married until having a better sense of how we'd handle that.

Getting engaged and married comes up now because job opportunities will likely cause me to relocate, and being married or at least engaged will be beneficial to be sure her company will allow her to relocate to stay with me.

PHeller wrote: Would you say your relationship started as a friendship, or did it immediately become serious with labels and all that?

We were dance partners on a ballroom dance company for a year before dating. I was dating another woman at the time. Realized that relationship was not fulfilling. Kept looking at my now girlfriend and seeing the things I wanted in a relationship that were lacking. Mostly realized that we communicated and understood each other incredibly well, and did care for each other. Dancing made it clear we had a good physical connection and really trusted each other.

After breaking up with my previous girlfriend, I figured I'd discover I was just projecting the things I wanted in a woman onto someone conveniently near me. Turned out she really was all the things I had thought she was.

How long has she been at this job? Does she have any desire to leave this job? Does she get freaked out about losing her job? Does she have lots of expensive stuff that she doesn't want to part with?

This has nothing to do with marriage, and everything to do with the fact that she didn't come to Germany with you.

I hate to compare my relationship to yours, but if I got an opportunity to do something really awesome in a far away place, my girlfriend would be right behind me. She also knows that I'm not going to do anything drastic without certainty of income because I have a fair amount of debt. She has no debt, no bills, nothing. She's ready to go whenever I am.

It sounds like your girlfriend is either A) concerned about her career or B) concerned about yours enough that she's concerned about her career. IE she's saving her pennies for when she inevitably has to support your beer brewing ass.

Some people say "i would never ask my partner to leave their job!" Well...why not? It's just a job. We're human, we're meant to eat, drink, sleep, and procreate. Once your out of debt, unless your saving for a house or in your case plane tickets, what's there to worry about?

You obviously miss your girlfriend, and the very fact that your dancing with other girls and not her, tells me that your on different pages.

Basically...ask your girlfriend to take a vacation like...next week. That 6 months thing aint gonna cut it.

PHeller wrote: How long has she been at this job? Does she have any desire to leave this job? Does she get freaked out about losing her job? Does she have lots of expensive stuff that she doesn't want to part with?

She's been with them for almost 15 years. She really loves her company and her job and does not want to lose it. She really really likes stability and does not like taking risks. Maybe she would be able to work remotely from Europe, but very well might not be able to.

She really likes her apartment and does not want to lose that. The biggest issue is that she has a dog and a cat and she has been very concerned about what would happen with them if she were to bring them out here.

This has nothing to do with marriage, and everything to do with the fact that she didn't come to Germany with you.

I totally understand. This is a bit of a concern for me too.

It sounds like your girlfriend is either A) concerned about her career or B) concerned about yours enough that she's concerned about her career. IE she's saving her pennies for when she inevitably has to support your beer brewing ass.

She is definitely concerned about her career. She's invested a lot of time and energy into and doesn't want to lose it.

She's concerned about mine very strongly because she does not want to see me go the route in life my dad has. He tends to rely on having other people take care of him financially. She wants to see me become financially stable on my own before marrying her stable financial situation to mine. We don't want either of us to have to be completely reliant on the other person. The idea is that we are together because we want to be, not because we have to be.

I do not have any debt (well, I sort of do now coming to this school, but now that my grandfather has passed away, my new wealth greatly outweighs my debts). I just spent time going through a cycle of having a job for two years, being unemployed for a while, and having another job for two years since graduating college.

Some people say "i would never ask my partner to leave their job!" Well...why not? It's just a job. We're human, we're meant to eat, drink, sleep, and procreate. Once your out of debt, unless your saving for a house or in your case plane tickets, what's there to worry about?

I agree to a certain extent. Someone who is a hard worker and good programmer aught to have opportunities with most any company she wants to. She's not married to a company. She does very much value her stability though. Giving it up to be with me for 6 months is a bit much. But I'm thinking we might be able to find a way for her to follow and still keep her job.

You obviously miss your girlfriend, and the very fact that your dancing with other girls and not her, tells me that your on different pages.

Not so much. I've always been a social dancer... and that's what you do social dancing. Even when we were together and go out dancing, half the night we dance with other people. That's just what most people who are into social dances like Tango do. I would often go out dancing evenings when she stayed in. This is not something new or different for us. That's just part of being a dancer.

PHeller wrote: Basically...ask your girlfriend to take a vacation like...next week. That 6 months thing aint gonna cut it.

I'm going to look into what the laws are for if she brings a dog and a cat into the country. Maybe she can get dispensation from her work to move out here for a few months.

I did talk to her a little bit back about coming out to visit for a long weekend or something. She said that wasn't really going to work out, because she's already requested the 2.5 weeks off to visit in July, and projects at work are going too heavy right now and she needs to work on them. Plus, she does not have anyone in the area that she would trust to take care of her pets for her.

I do think talking about her relocating temporarily to be with me needs to happen. If it would cause problems for the pets or job, I can understand that.

At the very least, I've been talking about being away for another 3 months while I have my internship in Minnesota, there is no good reason for her not to follow me out there, if she's already able to work from home.

In reply to PHeller:

I disagree with so much of what you saying. In regards to her not going to Germany, sometimes short term happiness has to be sacrificed for long term happiness. Asking someone to give you their job to move to a distance country with no way to support themselves for what is in the grand scheme of things a short period of time would be an immature and selfish thing to do if you ask me.

And two dancing with other people should mean nothing. Dancing is just hobby. It doesn't have to be anything romantic or have any emotional attachments.

Heh heh. You know I've done the long-distance-relationship-whilst-studying-in-Europe thing. Know where you're coming from for sure. Plenty of cute unattached girls from all over (Germany, Belguim, France, Ireland, US, etc). Was sorely tempted a number of times, decided it wasn't worth it to lose who I had. Married to her now, so there ya go. Probably could have been happy with one or two of the others in the long run, but the grass is greener... hard to see the flaws when there's booze in your eyes. I haven't regretted my decision. I am still good friends with most of the cute girls in question though.

Skype worked for us for six months. Now-wife came over at the end of term, spent ten days over Christmas touring Italy, got engaged there. I know a really classy spot if you want inspiration for proposing...

In reply to JohnInKansas:

Groovy. Really helps a lot to hear from other people who have been in the same boat.

Knowing us, proposing would most likely happen in some nice place in Belgium. We both love our beer.

Heres my thinking:

Salanis wants to brew beer. He didn't go to Germany to come back home and work at McDonalds.

Girlfriend has been working for the same place for 15 years. She has proven her loyalty to this company. Time for them to start paying some of that back. She works from home. How often does she go into the office? Once a week? Once a month? Once a year? A technology firm should know more than anyone that the industry is changing, and that you don't need to be "present" in order to revolutionize the industry.

If Salanis goes home, and needs to move for an awesome job, will Girlfriend follow? Maybe in 6 months...maybe a year...maybe two...maybe never. She's got a dog and cat to take care of, remember?

If I worked someplace for 15 years you'd bet my ass that if my girlfriend moved to the Capitol of Mali I'd follow her. Any present of future employer would understand that move.

It sounds like she's more attached to her life than she is to him.

PHeller wrote: It sounds like she's more attached to her life than she is to him.

Well he did say:

"Perhaps a better way of saying it is, we have a wonderful relationship, and if it ain't broke, why fix it? Didn't really see a reason to get engaged or married. "

Dosesn't sound committed enough for me (her actually) to throw away a good job. Last time I looked, they weren't growing on trees.

I'd probably step back and look at how the next couple of years are gonna go down.

Is she going to leave her job to follow you for a brew master's job? Or will you continue living separately till she's satisfied your not a bum?

Sound to me like you have a good relationship and you can trust her. Control the liquor, don't let the liquor control you.

Wifey lets me flirt and look at the menu, but if I even think about sampling....

I think you guys are looking at the event more you are the whole story.

In the end, people gorge themselves at the buffet because the other restaurant is way too damn expensive.

In reply to PHeller:

Your making my hungry and I just ate.

PHeller wrote: I think you guys are looking at the event more you are the whole story. In the end, people gorge themselves at the buffet because the other restaurant is way too damn expensive.

No. Jobs are extremely hard to find and jobs that are you actually enjoy are even harder to find. Asking someone to sacrifice that for a short term move is extreme selfish. Now down the road there will have to be compromises but he isn't moving to Germany permanently (I don't think).

I think the question is how to coordinate it so that she follows me as much as she is able without throwing away the good job. There is certainly flexibility there.

She has been working with her boss to keep that flexibility. She goes into the corporate office in Des Moines about 3-4 times a year (she works for an insurance company). They have been trying to get her to relocate there permanently and she's made it pretty clear to them she's not going to leave me to go do that. So now they have been suggesting that she relocate for 6 months to get a better connection with the main team there, but they haven't given her anything in writing saying that she can go back to working remotely after the 6 months are done, and she's made it very clear she won't go there until she gets that.

Her career and being with me are not mutually exclusive things. It's really just a matter of finding the right balance between them. She is planning to move to follow me, it's just a question of how settled I get before she follows.

93EXCivic wrote: No. Jobs are extremely hard to find and jobs that are you actually enjoy are even harder to find. Asking someone to sacrifice that for a short term move is extreme selfish. Now down the road there will have to be compromises but he isn't moving to Germany permanently (I don't think).

No. Not moving here permanently (waaaay more chances for brewing beer that I like better in the U.S.). She will follow me where I end up settling. She is not going to sacrifice her job, but she might have to sacrifice her chance of further promotion within her company. The question is about whether she can or should follow me during these temporary times when I am definitely not settled. Moving out to Germany for 3 months might be a bit much. Moving out to Minnesota for 4 before finding a permanent position might be doable.

Why couldn't she work remotely from Germany?

Now that you've explained her willingness to move when you return to the US, I understand the situation a little better, and would advise that you not do anything stupid in Germany.

I just don't want a brother to say years from now when "should've hammered while the nails were around."