Help me fix my life, or tear it down, you decide.

This is probably going to be a long and rambling post so bear with me. Or feel free to ignore.

I've been in a pretty bad place for a while. I'm not sure where it stems from but I've been doing a lot of soul searching and even if I don't know all the reasons or how to pull out of it I may have stumbled on some issues that at least give me a direction to work towards. 

The gist of it is I'm feeling more and more like I'm just wasting away. Or as someone said in a recent thread "withering on the vine". I feel like I'm just existing. I don't look forward to anything anymore. I really can't find any joy in anything. I don't know what you call it but it damn sure ain't living. I've said it before and people always get the wrong impression, but I feel like I'm just waiting to die. It's not that I'm suicidal or anything. I just can't think of a better way to phrase it. I can't talk to the wife about it because she takes it personally and it's not a reflection on her. It's my own struggle but I need advice. 

I honestly think a lot of my struggles in life recently has to do with work. I've never really believed that a person is defined by their job but it certainly seems like my disposition is greatly effected by what I do for a living. For most of my working life I have been in a form of the construction field. For the past three years I've been in a factory type setting. I don't think I can take it much longer.

There are many things I liked about the field I was in previously. Each project had a beginning and end. I could see progress being made working toward the goal of finishing the project on time. The decisions I made directly effected the ability to complete a project on time or ahead of schedule. I had to manage customer expectations as well as keep the crew members happy and productive.  As the project ended and the results of our work was met with happy smiling customers there was a sense of satisfaction. And there was a mental break to prepare for the next job. No two were the same and no two customers were the same. Even though the work was hard and nasty the satisfaction of doing a good job made it worth it. Plus the money was decent. The downsides were I was away from home a lot and it could be a little stressful but it was challenging.

Now I do the same thing day after day. There is no goal to work towards, no since of progress being made. Just do my part and push it to the people after me. There are many days that I don't say two words to anyone all day long. It's been a big adjustment coming from a place where my advice was sought out to being ignored. But aside from the low pay it's a good place to work I guess. Everyone is easy going and it's completely stress free. The job itself is super easy, my biggest issue is it's so boring that it's a struggle to maintain focus and not make a silly mistake. But I'm home at the same time every day and my wife likes that. She says it feels more like we're a family now and she's not a single mother. And I guess it wouldn't be so bad if it paid better. I've said before that I make about what I did 20 years ago. The problem is that money doesn't go nearly as far as it did 20 years ago.  It wasn't so bad until they cut out overtime last year. But without that extra money I'm basically just sitting around the house waiting to go back to work every night and on the weekends. Just sit around and watch youtube videos because I can't afford to do anything else. I can't afford the gas to take the bike on a day ride on a weekend. When I had the Civic I couldn't afford the entry fee to autocross it let alone the gas to get there.

So I have an unsatisfying low paying job. I think that could be a big part of why I feel the way I do. The problem is I can see no way out of it. The longer I'm at this job the more detached I feel form the person I used to be.

The obvious answer is I need to find a new job. But what? I have no qualifications, all certifications I used to have are expired. I don't even have a clue about what I would want to do let alone anything that I would be halfway qualified for. I'm almost 40 and don't think I have the time to start all over again. I know I can't do the physically demanding jobs I used to do. My back and knees and now shoulders are done. 

I just feel so berkeleying trapped. I should have taken my previous employers offer of training in Houston for three months then San Antonio for three months then Dallas but I they wanted me to be on the road to all the other markets training them on new technologies. I really didn't want to be on the road and my wife really didn't want to move because she found a good job here. I declined and now I'm here just waiting to die. 

Sorry for the long post and rambling thoughts. I just had to vent. Thanks for your time.

I had alot of the same feelings when I took a factory Job in 2009 so I could pay the bills. After a year I felt like I worked a miserable job all day just too sit at home barely scrapping by on the bills. After a long talk with my wife we cut back on everything we could Bill wise and I purchased a project car too help with my mood. It was a long slow project only spending 50-75 dollars on parts when I could afford it but it gave me a goal too work towards. 

I have to have something i can progress with too keep myself interested, I ended up changing jobs and making a bit less money the first year but it immensely improved my mood. The biggest difference in our position is I was 22 and my wife was supportive of what ever I wanted to do, she didn't enjoy me being miserable. 

I still occasionally have days were I feel like I work for nothing but as my kids have grown and became more interested in what I do it's also improved. There's just no way your going to become suddenly happy without making changes to your situation. Just existing is a miserable way to spend your days.

I wish I could give you some advice. I’m in a similar place. Not so much job wise as the money is fairly good but it is a never ending clusterberkeley where I will never be able to do enough.  I really don’t enjoy much of anything anymore. For the past few months I’ve come home, had dinner, and sat doing nothing. I have no motivation/ambition anymore. I get up, work, and then come home and sit by myself thinking i should probably do something.  I have no idea how or if things will ever improve.  

Dude, don't apologize for getting that out in the open.  No man is an island, or something.

i have had jobs like that, and they blow.  you hit the nail right on the head:  the job is a huge part of your life and, like it or not, it greatly contributes to how you feel from day to day and, ultimately, it does contribute to your feeling of self-worth.

you definitely have to talk to wifey about it, but not until you've found "the right words."  In quotes because only you have the experience with that relationship to know what the right words are.  Did you exchange traditional vows with all the better and worse / sickness and health / richer or poorer, etc?  Maybe revisit those vows as you explain how you're feeling about the current situation.  Ultimately you're not in a healthy place and you can't be the husband you want to be.  You're not just looking for a better Nick situation.  You're looking to improve your relationship, her life, etc.

i rambled a bit.  Sorry about that.  There are many smart folks on this forum who have a great wealth of life experience and perspectives.  Opening up like you did is a great first step and I'd totally bro-hug you right now.  ;-)

In reply to Nick Comstock :

It sounds like you have a good work history to build a nice resume from, even if it doesn’t show specific relative experience to any one career. That alone should help you get an interview somewhere else - and a new job is absolutely what you need. 

I think you’re selling yourself short, and I think your construction experience you described shows both great customer-service and team-leadership skills. Both of those should be in demand almost anywhere, and in almost any industry. 

First of all, I keep hearing from many many contractors that if they could find a sober person who shows up every day (and many are willing to scratch the first requirement) that would be their best employee. So im sure you can find a construction job, especially with the background and experience you have. Don't be afraid to start small. Prove yourself and ask to move up.  

I even think that you could post handyman ads on the walls in grocery stores in affluent areas and diy just fine, painting, repairing stuff, light electrical/plumbing, etc. It's ridiculous how much I just paid a plumber last summer to dig a hole in my yard.

2nd of all, your job matters. about 2 years ago I left a job that paid me a ridiculous amount of money to do nothing (and do it from home). It was the perfect job on paper, but I hated getting nothing done, working with awful people playing awful office politics games, blah blah blah. i let it go on for so long that I didn't realize the negative effect it was having on my life. I quit without another job lined up, and it was one of my better decisions.

The second point probably should have been the first.

I'm with AngryCorvair. The first step to bettering your situation is realizing what's bothering you, and being honest with yourself. It seems like you're there, and good for you that you're willing to open up about it. 

Next is finding the right way to be open about it with those who love you. I don't have advice for that - but I wish you strength and luck in your journey back towards self-worth and happiness. 

I shall use my long history of being a depressed mofo to say that sounds a hell of a lot like depression and you should go talk to someone.

Sure it sounds like a copout but I can tell you from first hand experience that it helps a whole hell of a lot. Getting your head straight will help in figuring out what to do about the job and other stuff.

All forms and phases of construction desperately need people, go back into construction

A few things that I'll try to keep as bullet points, though possibly long ones. I'll apologize in advance as there will be at least 2 Fight Club references

1) learn something. Your current position (job and otherwise in life) has you feeling that you're not working towards something, accomplishing anything or growing personally. Continue learning, whether it be at a maker space, class at a community college, or online classes. If there's something preventing you from doing so, whether it be work or relationship wise, don't let it hold you back. Self improvement is masterbation. There are times that we all need to let something out and feel better about who we are. 

2) as for the suspended animation with time passing you by. Welcome to the world of serious illness. Whether it be cancer, an injury or depression. The world continues on and feels like it's growing, accomplishing and evolving while you struggle to maintain. There have been months that I spent 2 hours a day floating in an indoor pool mediating, sleeping, stretching and existing under a mural that reads, there's going to be a time where you want to quit, the question is will you?

Don't quit. Floating or treading water isn't drowning, even if it feels like it at times. 

3) on a long enough timeline all of our survival rates are zero. It's not a berkeleying race. Don't ever feel that you're losing a race when your treading water as when you touch that wall it's over. Find something to savoir and enjoy, something that makes you slow down, recall the past and brings vivid recall. Bonus points if it's a creative outlet. Painting, drawing, writing, cooking, welding, gardening. Something that can be enjoyed at the leisurely pace, yet still has levels of complicities to challenge you now and again. 

I don't think I want to go back to what I did before. I would just love to have some of those good attributes in my work. I don't think I'd make a good entrepreneur, I'm just not wired that way. I like to think I make a good soldier but I need marching orders.  

On the subject of what I would like to do. We are in the process of getting a new waterjet installed at work. Last week I disassembled and removed the old machine and moved the major pieces of the new machine into place. I really enjoyed that. The guys from the company are here now getting everything setup and calibrated. I could see myself doing that type of work. I have no idea what type of qualifications are required but that kinda is what spurred me to make this thread. I think something like that is what I should be doing. 

Ask the waterjet company guys how they got there? 

In reply to Mndsm :

Thought about it several times today just never got the opportunity to go over there. 

Forgot one other nugget of advice when you're not sure what to do in terms of wanting change, but lacking direction to take. Leave the world (though not by your own design!) Better than you found it. Is there something local that's in need of attention, a waterway or park in need of clean up, youth in need of mentoring or tutoring, etc. Need of others can provide direction and also help realize that your definition of treading water is a whole lot better than others good days. (In terms of quality of life, not internal prespective). 

No need to feel sorry for this post. I guess as a first step I'd recommend trying out professional counseling. You'll most likely find some answers there and if it doesn't work for you then at least you can say you tried.

The good news is that there are always options in today's expanding job market that are usually too new or specialized to require qualification. For example, plenty of automotive jobs like detailing, plasti-dipping and vinyl wrap installation require little-to-no professional qualifications. You can always try one of these things on the side and see if it picks up any momentum as a business. I find they're pretty good if you're looking for a line of work with projects that have a defined start/end point.

Whatever happens, remember two things; wanting to die usually just means you no longer want to live the life you're living right now, and fear is temporary and almost always useless.

I usually offer faith-based advice.  If you'd like, feel free to message me.

And check your email as I messaged you earlier. How far from Houston are you? 

I only want to add a voice of empathy, and wish for better for us all.

In reply to Mndsm :

I know you're probably wondering about why I'm bitching about not having any money when we just got back from a Florida vacation. Like the trip before when I got to meet you the entire trip was paid for by my inlaws.  They have a certain way of making a person feel not good enough for their daughter.

In reply to Nick Comstock :

I am not here to judge, my friend. I've been you. Working my ass off at a dead end job and not having enough money to actually enjoy life, etc. I understand that a lot of families like to put power plays out like that. My family is one. Theres a reason (besides all of the others) I am in florida. It is as far away from drama as I could physically get while remaining in the continental us. 

One thing I have discovered- it's not about money. Ok, I mean you need to pay bills and eat and stuff, but the rest is irrelevant. You need to be happy for you. I make what I made 20 years ago, as well. Monetarily,  I would be homeless and starving if it weren't for the ever present patience of swmbo. But she knows as well as I do- happy isnt something you pay for. If you need a job, get it. Be happy, man. Life is too short. 

Feel free to take this wherever.  I assume you still have my cell phone number. 

The place where you are at right now is all too common, and I should know... I was recently there myself. 

A few years back, I found myself extremely depressed, and was in a VERY dark place. I thought I was worthless, and was just waiting for my life to be over. There were even times where I thought about doing that prematurely. I decided to get help. I went to a therapist, and after a few visits and talking it out, I was given a plan:

1. Get out of my living situation. I was still living at home, and it was slowly becoming a toxic environment. 

2. Lose weight. I've always been a big guy, and it sucks. 

3. Get a new job. I was working for a huge financial giant, and the group I was in used people up and spit them out. That had to change. 

I first bought a house with the wife-to-be. That helped. I started losing weight (and gained it all back but that's for another day) and that helped. Last was the job. I transferred to another group within the company. 

Well, that made things WORSE. 

That new team was a bad move. Things were hard, and the standards were impossibly high. I treaded water for a while, but the bad thoughts started to come back. Money wasn't what was promised, and there was a lot of BS going on between coworkers. The last straw was when someone under me twice threw fits and threw stuff at me on the floor because I asked them simply to do their job and not screw around. Reported incidents to HR, and somehow I got in trouble. I then tried to transfer out again, but my move was blocked because I was in a specialized "critical" role and only one of 10 people in the company that could do the job. 

That crushed me. I felt like dying. The only thing keeping me sane were my hobbies, and they weren't cutting it anymore. Something had to give. It was life or death. 

I started blanket bombing my resume and landed at a much better, smaller company. Money was better, and I had a say in what I was doing. I even have direct facetime with the CEO every day. And he's receptive to all sorts of ideas! 

Things CAN and WILL get better. But, only you can make the change. That new job literally saved my life. You seen like you have a lot going for you, so start bombing out that resume and get your name out there. Something good is bound to happen!

In reply to Nick Comstock :

I’ve been where you are and you are right  you need some help.  More in a bit, but you are also right the real solution is to find satisfying work. 

Anti depressants will help, they aren’t a magic pill. It takes a month or more before you’ll note any improvement. It’s  not a “happy” pill it’s more of an able to tolerate life pill.  I was on them for about 2 years.  

Try your doctor first, chances are he will give you a referral. Although mine gave me a 90  day supply ( it takes that long to get an appointment)   

A far as finding satisfying work you have to find it.  There won’t be an ad in the paper with your name on it. Start talking to others about their job. Ask them what they like  about their job. 

 Don’t assume all people feel the same about their job. So ask everybody. 

Dont assume only a job can provide satisfaction. I found a small apple orchard satisfying  but maybe a part time business making cabinets or grandfather clocks etc Something that satisfy’s your need to finish a project and put it in the hands of anew happy owner

I don't have much to say that would help you, but that you are one of the few members which posts I read and enjoy. Even when I disagree, I enjoy them. 

Wish I was closer to better help out. And don’t feel like you need to apologize about postings like these. Even though many of us haven’t met each other, I feel like I know a lot of you and care about what they are going through. 

Nick Comstock said:

I don't think I want to go back to what I did before. I would just love to have some of those good attributes in my work. I don't think I'd make a good entrepreneur, I'm just not wired that way. I like to think I make a good soldier but I need marching orders.  

On the subject of what I would like to do. We are in the process of getting a new waterjet installed at work. Last week I disassembled and removed the old machine and moved the major pieces of the new machine into place. I really enjoyed that. The guys from the company are here now getting everything setup and calibrated. I could see myself doing that type of work. I have no idea what type of qualifications are required but that kinda is what spurred me to make this thread. I think something like that is what I should be doing. 

Not necessarily the same kind of construction, but just a form of construction.

I do construction to, believe me i get the satisfaction of finishing a job and the work varying everyday

I still don’t know what I want to do when I grow up, and I’m effectively on either my 4th or 5th career at age 28 (although 3 are the same general industry)

i will say that you sound like you should see someone, as you sound like you have major depression. To that end, I’m convinced that social media (even including this site), cell phones, computers, and the hyper-awareness of everything in the world is at a minimum accelerating if not causing the depression epidemic that the world knows today.