I hate resumes

I have just sent in a resume for a promotion at work. I hate doing these. I'm not very good so my wife asks me questions and puts together the resume and the cover letter, but reading it they come off sounding like a used car salesman. I know what I've done, but I get uncomfortable seeming like I'm full of myself. I have read some other people's so i guess I'm on the right track but I still feel funny about it.

Remember to send in photos of your hootus. They LOVE that stuff in New York Ceety.

If you're looking for a promotion as a car salesman, fantastic!

When the Gubbyment ws having layoffs they offered to send you to a head hunter of some place that would talk and write a resume' for you. I'm impressed by mine and I know better!

Would it be worth you time and money to have someone (not Mrs. Wally) help with this?

Promotion = $2000/year; resume writer = $500. Get the job and you get your $500 back in three months.

Don't be a car salesman, you look dorky in a leisure suit.

Dan

I feel your pain - I'm in the process of rewriting mine right now in anticipation of a job hunt. I find it aggravating to have to walk the tightrope of professional self-aggrandizement. That, and I'm not a very good writer. My wife does say I have a car salesmen smile though.

Is it wrong I want a leisure suit?

each bullet point under "experience" should state not just what you did, but also what the positive result was for your employer. it's not enough that you developed a taint-massaging driver's seat; the important part is that it decreased driver sick-leave usage by 25%.

if you did it, and it helped the company, you should be proud of your contribution and comfortable discussing it with the higher-ups. you're not just a bus guy, you're a brand manager. the brand is you.

Some resume excerpts - feel free to use as many as you need:

Responsibility makes me nervous.

They insisted that all employees get to work by 8:45 every morning. Couldn't work under those conditions.

Was met with a string of broken promises and lies, as well as cockroaches.

I was working for my mom until she decided to move.

The company made me a scapegoat - just like my three previous employers.

Being in trouble with the law, I moved quite frequently.

In my last position, got nowhere as part of a 60-person herd. Consequently, I did not give the company my full effort and received no chance of advancement in return.

Finished eighth in my high school graduating class of ten.

Suspected to graduate early next year.

No education or experience.

I have eight arms and eight legs with excellent interpersonal skills

I have unsuccessfully raised a dog.

At the age of twelve, I began hustling newspapers like many other great Americans had done. The only difference was that they became great.

I'll need $30K to start, full medical, three weeks of vacation, stock options and ideally a European sedan.

I need just enough money to have pizza every night.

I prefer informality like wearing sports shirts and sandals for footwear in the summer. I prefer setting my own pace. When things get slack I like the right to walk out and get a haircut during working hours.

Please call me after 5:30 because I am self-employed and my employer does not know I am looking for another job.

My goal is to be a meteorologist. But since I have no training in meteorology, I suppose I should try stock brokerage.

I am loyal to my employer at all costs....Please feel free to respond to my resume on my office voice mail.

Proven ability to track down and correct erors.

I was proud to win the Gregg Typting Award.

I procrastinate - especially when the task is unpleasant.

Excellent memory; strong math aptitude; excellent memory.

I have never had a single blemish held against me and my IQ is off the charts.

I am quick at typing, about 25 word per minute, 35 with caffeinated coffee.

Minor allergies to house cats and Mongolian sheep.

Here are my qualifications for you to overlook.

Education: College, August 1880-May 1984.

Work Experience: Dealing with customers' conflicts that arouse.

Develop and recommend an annual operating expense fudget.

I'm a rabid typist.

Instrumental in ruining entire operation for a Midwest chain operation.

Thank you for your consideration. Hope to hear from you shorty!

Please don't regard my 14 positions as job hopping. I never once quit a job.

In reply to 914Driver:

She writes a good resume, it's part of what she went to school for. It's the selling myself like AC said that makes me uncomfortable. I was able to be involved in some pretty big projects over the last couple years (not taint massaging seat big) but seeing it on paper makes it seem like I'm trying for a Noble Prize or something. I generally don't like to talk myself up at work that much.

yep, Ive had a lot of success changing my expuryanse sekshun from "Responsibilities included bulltet, bullet, bullet..." to " As a member of the team, I worked to maintain....which helped reduce costs...". Ive gotten 2 call backs this week, and Ive only been looking for less than 2. It really works.

In reply to Matt B:

Is it wrong that I HAVE one???

I can easily write other people's resumes. Mine? The dentist is more fun.

Who uses a resume anymore?

My last job was mostly writing resumes for people who often criminals or strippers, etc. You learn to be really creative. On a side note, I'm much happier with my new job.

pinchvalve wrote: Who uses a resume anymore?

Almost all oil related jobs require a resume to be submitted electronically. It's a pain with such little human interaction... if I get to the interview, I get the job. There was only ONE such time this didn't happen, and that was because I had nothing besides personal use networking experience :(

petegossett wrote: In reply to Matt B: Is it wrong that I HAVE one???

Cousin Eddy says, "only if you don't wear it"

pinchvalve wrote: Who uses a resume anymore?

The joys of gov't work. I have to submit two copies, by fax.

HiTempguy wrote:

pinchvalve wrote: Who uses a resume anymore?

Almost all oil related jobs require a resume to be submitted electronically. It's a pain with such little human interaction... if I get to the interview, I get the job. There was only ONE such time this didn't happen, and that was because I had nothing besides personal use networking experience :(

yep, same thing. Not to sound cocky, but Ive literally never interviewed for a job and someone else get the position. The only time I didnt get hired for a position I interviewed for was when a company decided not to hire anyone and sold the division 3 mos later. in the last 13 years, (since I was 18), Ive never gotten a call back without submitting a resume, and never have gone into a interview without a fresh resume in hand.

Even with an ego as large as mine, I hate self promotion, it seems like masturbation without the payoff.

But, if you enjoy you work, and I suspect you do, you enjoy talking about your job. If you approach it from a perspective of what you have been a part of rather than you did, the pride comes across easily, the resume writes itself and you look more like a team player.

Good luck to you, we're all pulling for ya!

Noted!

In reply to Wally:

If you don't sell yourself nobody else will.

"I know what I've done, but I get uncomfortable seeming like I'm full of myself" You sound like a normal humble guy w/o an agenda other than a deserved promotion. Be yourself, write an accurate work history, accomplishments and anything relevant to the promotion and let the wife polish up the final. Reread, rewrite, polish again X10.... and it may possibly still not seem good enough but likely much better than you think.

Good luck Wally

btw, I recently wrote what I thought the worst resume ever, on the worst user friendly (state operated) job application site on the internik, thought it was the worst job interview I ever had and wrote it all off as a loss... until I got the call for the job this morning.

WIth the resume, you just have to pretend that you are the most awesome motherberkeleyer ever. Have a few drinks if you need to, in order to believe it, but that's what you need to do. As Pat said, you are selling yourself, don't sell yourself short.

Turns out the resume doesn't help if you interview like thishttp://www.funnyordie.com/videos/2a7c433d41/tommy-boy-brake-pad-demonstration-chris-farley-is-the-bomb-too-funny-from-jsmart377

Thing is, you should be writing your resume every time you get evaluated at work. All that shameless BS self promoting you do on your evaluations goes right onto the resume.

I just got promoted last month, and my resume i now correct to reflect that. Every time evals come around I take the best excerpts from them and drag and drop them into the master 10-page resume file I keep. When it comes time to print one out, I pick out whichever of those excerpts seem most appropriate for the position, copy/paste, and print/email.

I find that since most managers these days, especially if you work for the gubmint, expect you to write your own eval bullets anyways, it works to my advantage to write up the eval like I want my resume to read, then get my boss to sign it like it was his idea. Makes them more useful to me anyway.

Zombie thread - but Wally, what ever happened?