Joke of the day

When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 degrees Celsius. The Russians used a pencil.

A patient says, "Doctor, last night I made a Freudian slip. I was having dinner with my mother-in-law and wanted to say: 'Could you please pass the butter?' But instead I said: 'You silly cow, you have completely ruined my life."

Two nuns driving down the road at night when a Vampire jumps on the hood of the car.

Driver nun says "Quick, show him your cross!"

Passenger nun sticks her head out the window and yells "Get the berkeley off our car!"

914Driver wrote: Two nuns driving down the road at night when a Vampire jumps on the hood of the car. Driver nun says "Quick, show him your cross!" Passenger nun sticks her head out the window and yells "Get the berkeley off our car!"

And people say "It's only the internet" when they misspell words or don't use proper punctuation. Here's proof spelling and punctuation (and capitalization for those of you on the Locost forum) matter no matter where you are.

If you are making the effort to say it or write it down then you have something you are trying to communicate. So it's worth the extra effort to learn how to effectively communicate so that people get your point.

Now back to your regularly scheduled joke thread.

A carpet installer finished up a big job and decided to go outside for a smoke. He searched his pockets and not finding his usual pack of cigarettes began to look around. A lump under the carpet caught his attention.

Not wanting to remove and reinstall such a large carpet, he took a mallet and carefully pounded down the lump, smoothing it out with his hands until it was perfectly flat. Satisfied that the job was well done, he gathered up his tools only to find his cigarettes in the lid of his tool box.

He was examining them when the woman of house walks in and said, "The carpets look great. By the way, have you seen my canary?"

carguy123 wrote: And people say "It's only the internet" when they misspell words or don't use proper punctuation. Here's proof spelling and punctuation (and capitalization for those of you on the Locost forum) matter no matter where you are. I'm missing the point of this scolding.

You're cross. / Your cross.

Javelin wrote: You're cross. / Your cross.

You were supposed to wait for Carguy. "Your" cross is correct. Otherwise, it ain't a joke.

carguy123 wrote:

914Driver wrote: Two nuns driving down the road at night when a Vampire jumps on the hood of the car. Driver nun says "Quick, show him your cross!" Passenger nun sticks her head out the window and yells "Get the berkeley off our car!"

And people say "It's only the internet" when they misspell words or don't use proper punctuation. Here's proof spelling and punctuation (and capitalization for those of you on the Locost forum) matter no matter where you are. If you are making the effort to say it or write it down then you have something you are trying to communicate. So it's worth the extra effort to learn how to effectively communicate so that people get your point.

Lay on the red pen, what's wrong?

In reply to 914Driver:

No, you did it right. If you'd typed "you're cross" it wouldn't have been funny, because she would've been doing it exactly as it was written.

The response was so much longer than the joke.

Three good ole boys died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

"In honor of this holy season" Saint Peter said, "You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven."

The cowboy from Texas fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. "It represents a candle", he said.

"You may pass through the pearly gates". Saint Peter said.

The logger from Minnesota reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, "They're bells".

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The old Nebraska farmer started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, "And just what do those symbolize?"

The Husker replied, "Why these are Carol's".

carguy123 wrote: A carpet installer finished up a big job and decided to go outside for a smoke. He searched his pockets and not finding his usual pack of cigarettes began to look around. A lump under the carpet caught his attention. Not wanting to remove and reinstall such a large carpet, he took a mallet and carefully pounded down the lump, smoothing it out with his hands until it was perfectly flat. Satisfied that the job was well done, he gathered up his tools only to find his cigarettes in the lid of his tool box. He was examining them when the woman of house walks in and said, "The carpets look great. By the way, have you seen my canary?"

The funniest part of this joke is how many times a carpet layer has told me that same "story" as it happening to them...

A woman goes to the doctor with severe bruises and lacerations....

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good medicine for that. When your husband comes home drunk, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth. Just swish and swish but don't swallow until he goes to bed and is asleep."

Two weeks later, the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea! Every time my husband came home drunk, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps."

Brett_Murphy wrote: In reply to 914Driver: No, you did it right. If you'd typed "you're cross" it wouldn't have been funny, because she would've been doing it exactly as it was written.

Yes, I figured that many on this forum wouldn't get the joke until it was pointed out to them.

914Driver wrote: Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps."

Truer words have never been spoken.

The way I heard it, the passenger nun held a crucifix out the car window.

British version?

Two medical students were walking along the street when they saw an old man walking with his legs spread apart. He was stiff-legged and walking slowly.

One student said to his friend: "I'm sure that poor old man has Peltry Syndrome. Those people walk just like that."

The other student says: "No, I don't think so. The old man surely has Zovitzki Syndrome. He walks slowly and his legs are apart, just as we learned in class."

Since they couldn't agree they decided to ask the old man. They approached him and one of the students said to him, "We're medical students and couldn't help but notice the way you walk, but we couldn't agree on the syndrome you might have. Could you tell us what it is?"

The old man said, "I'll tell you, but first you tell me what you two fine medical students think."

The first student said, "I think it's Peltry Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong." The other student said, "I think you have Zovitzki Syndrome." The old man said, "You thought - but you are wrong."

So they asked him, "Well, old timer, what do you have?"

The old man said, "I thought it was gas - but I was wrong, too!"

A circus owner runs an ad for a lion tamer, and two people show up. One is a GRM forum member, and the other is a gorgeous blonde in her mid-twenties.

The circus owner tells them, "I'm not going to sugarcoat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you two had better be good, or you're history. Here's your equipment - chair, a whip and a gun. Who wants to try out first?"

The girl says, "I'll go first." She walks past the chair, the whip and the gun and steps right into the lion's cage. The lion starts to snarl and pant and begins to charge her. About halfway there, she throws open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stops dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawls up to her and starts licking her feet and ankles. He continues to lick and kiss her entire body for several minutes and then rests his head at her feet.

The circus owner's jaw is on the floor. He says, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turns to the GRM member and asks, "Can you top that?"

The GRM member replies, "No problem; but first you'll have to get that lion out of there..."

I would like to share an experience with you. It has to do with drinking and driving.

I know from the "OMG I can't believe that we can send kids off to war but they aren't allowed to drink" thread that some of us have had brushes with the authorities over the years.

The other night I was out for dinner with a few friends. After consuming too much alcohol and knowing full well I was wasted, I did something I've never done before: believe it or not I took a bus home. Yes, a bus. I arrived home safely, and without incident.

This was really a surprise to me, since I had never driven a bus before.

I Love Mustard, but I don't really care much for Ketchup. Oh, ketchup is OK on fries, but I don't really think it has a place on much else.

As sandwiches go, it was perfection: a thick slab of roast beef on a fresh bun with crisp lettuce and plenty of expensive, light brown, gourmet mustard - no ketchup.

The corners of my jaw aching in anticipation as the drool built as I carried it to the table in our backyard, picked it up with both hands, but was suddenly stopped by my wife at my side.

Here, hold JD (our six-week-old son) while I get my sandwich,' she said.

I had him balanced between my left elbow and shoulder and was reaching again for the ham sandwich when I noticed a streak of mustard on my fingers...

I love mustard. I had no napkin and being the grassroots person I am, I licked it off.

It was not mustard!

No man has ever put a baby down faster.

It was the first and only time I have sprinted with my tongue protruding out.

With a washcloth in each hand, I did the sort of routine shoeshine boys do, only I did it on my tongue.

Later, after she stopped crying from laughing so hard, my wife said, 'Now you know why they call that fancy expensive mustard "Poupon."'

A middle aged gent with Rolex hat sat down at a bar and ordered a beer. Then a young woman walked up to him, her own drink in hand, points to the hat and said "are you a real race car driver?"

The gent replied, I suppose. I've raced 4 different kinds of BMW's and two types of Porsche. I've been on teams racing under various banners for 25yrs. I've won a few, crashed a few and broke many. I guess I am a race car driver.

The young woman responded, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women."

The two sat there sipping in silence.

A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the gent and asked, "Did I overhear correctly that you are a real racecar driver?"

He replied, "Well, I always thought I was, but I just found out I am a lesbian."

An elderly man walks into a confessional. The following conversation ensues:

Man: 'I am 92 years old, have a wonderful wife of 70 years, many children, grandchildren, and great grandchildren. Yesterday, I picked up two college girls, hitchhiking. We went to a motel, where I had sex with each of them three times.'

Priest: 'Are you sorry for your sins?'

Man: 'What sins?'

Priest: 'What kind of a Catholic are you?'

Man: 'I'm Jewish.'

Priest: 'Why are you telling me all this?'

Man: 'I'm 92 years old .... I'm telling everybody!'

Cinderella was now 95 years old.

After a fulfilling life with the now dead prince, she happily sat upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship.

One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the fairy godmother.

Cinderella said, 'Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years'?

The fairy godmother replied, 'Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?'

Cinderella was taken aback, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration, she uttered her first wish:

'The prince was wonderful, but not much of an investor. I'm living hand to mouth on my disability checks, and I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.'

Instantly her rocking chair turned into solid gold.

Cinderella said, 'Ooh, thank you, Fairy Godmother'..

The fairy godmother replied, 'It is the least that I can do. What do you want for your second wish?'

Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said, 'I wish I were young and full of the beauty and youth I once had.'

At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful young Body returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside of her that had been dormant for years.

And then the fairy godmother spoke once more: 'You have one more wish; what shall it be?'

Cinderella looked over to the frightened cat in the corner and said, 'I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man.'

Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological make-up that, when he stood before her, he was a man so beautiful the likes of him neither she nor the world had ever seen.

The fairy godmother said, 'Congratulations, Cinderella, enjoy your new life.'

With a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, the fairy godmother was gone as suddenly as she had appeared.

For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other's eyes.

Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most beautiful, stunningly perfect man she had ever seen.

Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, & held her close in his young muscular arms.

He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered...

'Bet you're sorry you neutered me.'

I'm bored. The wife won't let me open Christmas presents and it's too early to go to bed. So a little internet surfing netted me this.

Remembering the 60’s..

It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1961 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.

He arrived at her house and rang the bell. 'Oh, come on in!' Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred in. 'Have a seat in the living room. Would you like something to drink? Lemonade? Iced tea?'

'Iced tea, please,' Fred said.

Mum brought in the iced tea.

'So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?' she asked.

'Oh, probably catch a movie, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the malt shop, maybe take a walk on the beach..'

'Peggy likes to screw, you know,' Mum informed him.

'Really?' Fred replied, his eyebrows rising.

'Oh yes,' the mother continued, 'When she goes out with her friends, that's all they do! Screw, again and again!!'

'Is that so?' asked Fred, incredulous.

'Yes,' said the mother. 'As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her!'

'Well, thanks for the tip!' Fred said as he began thinking about alternate plans for the evening.

A moment later, Peggy Sue came down the stairs looking pretty as a picture, wearing a pink blouse and a hooped skirt and with her hair tied back in a bouncy ponytail.

She greeted Fred. 'Have fun, kids!' the mother said as they left.

Two hours later, a completely dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.

"The Twist, Mum!" she angrily yelled to her mother in the kitchen. "The f**king dance is called the Twist!!!"

damn..... wish I'd finished my coffee before I read this ... posting this after completely cleaning the keyboard