Joke of the day

thank goodness for small town southern edition … the bank teller here would just laugh

WHY MEN SHOULDN'T WRITE ADVICE COLUMNS

Dear John,

I hope you can help me. The other day I set off for work leaving my husband in the house watching TV. About a mile down the road my car stalled and then broke down and I had to walk back to get my husband's help. When I got home I couldn't believe my eyes. He was in our bedroom with the neighbor's daughter! I am 32, my husband is 34 and the neighbor's daughter is 19. We have been married for 10 years. When I confronted him he broke down and admitted they have been having an affair for six months. He refuses to go to counseling and I am a wreck. I need your advice urgently. Can you help please?

Sincerely, Sheila

Dear Sheila,

A car stalling after being driven a short distance can be caused by a variety of faults with the engine. Start by checking that there is no debris in the fuel line. If it is clear check the vacuum pipes and hoses on the intake manifold and also check all grounding wires. If none of these approaches solving the problem it could be that the fuel pump itself is faulty causing low delivery pressure to the injectors. I hope this helps.

John

Not a straight up joke, but the ad brought a smile to my face lol

http://www.kijiji.ca/v-cars-trucks/red-deer/tired-of-getting-to-much-tail/1054371068?enableSearchNavigationFlag=true

Hello friend, are you sick and tired of hot girls using you for your "awesome" crew cab truck? Well fear not, your days of stuffing 5 Moxies waitresses in the back seat after a Tuesday night of partying at Lotus are over. If you buy this 2004 GMC 2500 extended cab 4x4 you won't have nearly enough room in the back seat for all of them, but still have plenty enough room for 1 single mom and 2 circus midgets. Are you really good at taking directions and knowing where you're going? Well that's good!!! As this black beauty does not have a navigation system. Do you want the ladies to think you're a bit of a handyman? If so you can brag about how you built and installed the wooden box liner with nothing more than a skill saw, your 2 hands and 18oz of stud. Make sure you dust off your Now 3 cd as this vag magnet has no aux input. Do you like checking out your full sleeve tattoos in the mirror? If so this magic ride has 3 of them. 2 that allow you to look out the side and 1 to look out the rear (ya I know, pretty high-tech stuff). Does the bright sun hurt your eyes? Lucky for you the cab has a spot to put your sunglasses (white oakleys not included). Take this rocket home today for a one time price of $4500 obo.

Reportedly, a woman was flying from Seattle to San Francisco.

Unexpectedly, The plane was diverted to Sacramento along the way.

The flight attendant explained that there would be a delay, and if the passengers wanted to get off the aircraft the plane would re-board in 50 minutes.

Everybody got off the plane, except one lady, who was blind.

A man had noticed her as he walked by and could tell the lady was blind because her guide dog lay quietly underneath the seats in front of her throughout the entire flight.

He could also tell she had flown this very flight before because the pilot approached her, and calling her by name, said, "Kathy, we are in Sacramento for almost an hour. Would you like to get off and stretch your legs?"

The blind lady said, "No thanks, but maybe Buddy Would like to stretch his legs."

All the people in the gate area came to a complete stand still when they looked up and saw the pilot walk off the plane with a guide dog for the blind!

Even worse, the pilot was wearing sunglasses !

People scattered and not only tried to change planes, but they were trying to change airlines

Wife - "Where the hell have you been? You said you'd be done with golf by noon!"

Husband - “I'm so sorry, honey, but you probably don't want to hear the reason."

Wife - "I want the truth, and I want it now."

Husband - “Fine. We finished in less than 4 hours, quick beer in the clubhouse; I hopped in the car, and would have been here at 12 on the button. On the way home, I spotted a girl half our age struggling with a flat tire. I changed it in a jiffy, and next she's offering me money. Of course, I refuse it - then she tells me she was headed to the bar at the Sheraton - and begs me to stop so she can buy me a beer.

She's such a sweetie, I said yes. Before you know it, one beer turned to three or four and I guess we were looking pretty good to each other. Then she tells me she has a room at the Sheraton less than 50 steps from our table. She suggested we get some privacy while pulling me by the hand. Now I'm in her room, clothes are flying, the talking stopped and we proceeded to have sex in every way imaginable.

It must have gone on for hours, because before I know it the clock says 5:30. I jumped up, threw my clothes on, ran to the car, and here I am. There. You wanted the truth, you got it."

Wife - "That's complete and utter bullE36 M3. You played 36 holes, didn't you?"

I was offered sex today with a 21 year-old gal. In exchange for that, I was supposed to advertise some type of bathroom cleanser to all my friends. Of course I declined this because I am a person with high moral standards and a strong willpower. Just as strong as "Ajax", the super-strong bathroom cleanser. Now available scented with lemon or vanilla...

In reply to 914Driver:

It took me 4 hours and several re-readings, but I finally got it.

for once in my life I'm quicker at "getting something" than someone … thank you Streetwiseguy … this doesn't happen often

This might be a repost. Still funny.

A former Sergeant in the Marine Corps took a new job as a high school teacher. Just before the school year started, he injured his back. He was required to wear a plaster cast around the upper part of his body. Fortunately, the cast fit under his shirt and wasn't noticeable. On the first day of class, he found himself assigned to the toughest students in the school. The smart-aleck punks, having already heard the new teacher was a former Marine, were leery of him and he knew they would be testing his discipline in the classroom. Walking confidently into the rowdy classroom, the new teacher opened the window wide and sat down at his desk. When a strong breeze made his tie flap, he picked up a stapler and stapled the tie to his chest.

Dead silence..... The rest of the year went very smoothly.

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession. When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father, during World War II, a beautiful woman from our neighborhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic."

The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."

"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with sexual favors. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."

The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."

"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."

"And what is that?" asked the priest.

"Should I tell her the war is over?''

In reply to wbjones:

Did you just repost yourself??

I thought you shared that one about 20 pages ago.

I might have … I read it on another forum … thought it was funny and copy-n-pasted it here … I was obviously confirming my good taste (as to it's being funny) this is one of the things that seem to be happening more and more often as I get older

but if it was that long ago, I promise you I have no recollection of it …LOL

Thought for the day: There is more money being spent on breast implants and Viagra today than on Alzheimer's research. This means that by 2040, there should be a large elderly population with perky boobs and huge erections and absolutely no recollection of what to do with them.

A new, young MD doing his residency in OB was quite embarrassed performing female pelvic exams. To cover his embarrassment he had unconsciously formed a habit of whistling softly. The middle-aged lady upon whom he was performing this exam suddenly burst out laughing and further embarrassed him. He looked up from his work and sheepishly said, "I'm sorry. Was I tickling you?" She replied, "No doctor, but the song you were whistling was 'I wish I was an Oscar Meyer Wiener'."

What's going on in the car forums?

Bentley Forums - - - I used the ash tray today. How do I replace it?

Camaro/Firebird Forums - - - My girl slept with my brother and my wife. How can I kill 'em? btw, I have a record and I ain't going back.

Mustang (Chevelle) forums - - -Some punk kid in a Civic tried to race me.

Monte Carlo forums - - -Why do I keep getting pulled over, it ain't stolen yo.

Civic forums - - -Some punk kid in a Mustang tried to race me.

VW Bug forum - - - The Save the Earth concert was a success (pics)

Yugo Forum - - - When's the last time yours ran?

Lamborghini forum - - - Wind noise around 210MPH

Miata forums - - - Some redneck jackass in a Chevy Tahoe just ran over my car (pics)

Chevy Tahoe forum - - -Miata stuck in my undercarriage. How do I safely remove it? (pics)

Pontiac Fiero forum - - - Just bought a new flame retardant suit (pics)

BMW 7-series forum - - - Where to get service on my Rolex?

Cadillac forum - - - Problems parallel parking at bingo.

Chevy Suburban Forum - - - Is the price of gas going down anytime soon?

Buick Forum - - - Is Medicare or Medicaid right for me?

Delorean forum - - - Just got back from the future and blew a head gasket. Please help. I'm from 1985.

Crown Victoria forum - - - How come people never pass me on the highway?

Honda Accord forum - - - Mom is giving me the car. Looking for some cheap, used 18 inch rims.

Toyota Echo forum - - - Do our cars use AAA or AA's?

Ferrari forums - - - Need suggestions about a business trip to Colombia. Want to get in and out fast.

Porsche forums - - - Tire just went flat. Is it best to trade or sell the car myself?

Saturn forums - - - Roman candle landed on my fender. Melted and need to replace.

Jaguar forum - - - Is the carbon fiber dash kit group-buy still on?

Mercedes forum - - - My wife and her stink hole lawyer are trying to ruin me in divorce court. How do I get them both killed and not get in trouble with my medical board?

Mini forum - - - Just flipped the Cooper after seeing The Italian Job. Suing the movie company. (pics)

Dodge Viper forum - - - I frightened myself on the way home from work yesterday. How to get pee stains out of the leather?

McLaren F1 forum - - -Some punk kid in a F16 tried to race me.

Dodge Minivan forum - - - Where's the best place to post the soccer schedule so I don't forget where I'm supposed to be?

Hummer forum - - - Had a fender bender today. 24 hurt, 10 killed. Do I have to get the black touch-up paint from the dealer? He's 25 miles away. That's $35 in gas.

Fiat forum - - -Hello? Am I the only member?

Subaru WRX forum - - - I hate cops. Got ticketed for drifting in the Walmart parking lot.

Chevy pickup forum - - - How do I git the dried tobacco juice stains off the side of mah truck?

SRT Forums "Will this void my warranty"

RX7 Forums - - - 13B Groupbuy full, stop PM'ing me.

DSM Forums - - -Transmission Groupbuy Full stop PM'ing me

Supra Forums - - -Head to big to fit in car, should have bought a Targa.

Vette Forums - - -Why did I pay $50k for something with a Cavalier steering wheel?

Ford 2.3 forums - - -Help! Replaced everything, still doesn't start!

Universal Truths

1) Triangular sandwiches taste better than square ones.

2) At the end of every party there is always a girl crying.

3) One of the most awkward things that can happen in a pub is when your pint-to-toilet cycle gets synchronised with a complete stranger.

4) You've never quite sure whether it's ok to eat green crisps.

5) Everyone who grew up in the 80's has entered the digits 55378008 into a calculator.

6) Reading when you're drunk is horrible.

7) Sharpening a pencil with a knife makes you feel really manly.

8) You're never quite sure whether it's against the law or not to have a fire in your back garden.

10) Nobody ever dares make cup-a-soup in a bowl.

11) You never know where to look when eating a banana.

12) Its impossible to describe the smell of a wet cat.

13) Prodding a fire with a stick makes you feel manly.

14) Rummaging in an overgrown garden will always turn up a bouncy ball.

15) You always feel a bit scared when stroking horses.

16) Everyone always remembers the day a dog ran into your school.

17) The most embarrassing thing you can do as schoolchild is to call your teacher mum or dad.

18) The smaller the monkey the more it looks like it would kill you at the first given opportunity.

19) Some days you see lots of people on crutches.

20) Every bloke has at some stage while taking a pee flushed half way through and then raced against the flush.

21) Old women with mobile phones look wrong!

22) Its impossible to look cool whilst picking up a Frisbee.

23) Driving through a tunnel makes you feel excited.

24) You never ever run out of salt.

25) Old ladies can eat more than you think.

26) You can't respect a man who carries a dog.

27) There's no panic like the panic you momentarily feel when you've got your hand or head stuck in something.

28) No one knows the origins of their metal coat hangers.

29) Despite constant warning, you have never met anybody who has had their arm broken by a swan.

30) The most painful household incident is wearing socks and stepping on an upturned plug.

31) People who don't drive slam car doors too hard

32) You've turned into your dad the day you put aside a thin piece of wood specifically to stir paint with.

33) Everyone had an uncle who tried to steal their nose.

34) Bricks are horrible to carry.

35) In every plate of chips there is a bad chip.

OK, maybe not universal, but damn close.

How do you know if someone owns Apple products?

Don't worry. They'll tell you.

No Longer Confused

I became confused when I heard the word "Service" used with these agencies:

Internal Revenue 'Service'

U.S. Postal 'Service'

Telephone 'Service'

Cable TV 'Service'

Civil 'Service'

State, City, County & Public 'Service'

Customer 'Service'

This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.

But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows. BAM!!! It all came into focus. Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.

You are now as enlightened as I am!

A driver was stuck in a traffic jam on the highway outside Washington , DC . Nothing was moving. Suddenly, a man knocks on the window.

The driver rolls down the window and asks, “What’s going on?”

“Terrorists have kidnapped Congress, and they’re asking for a $100 million dollar ransom. Otherwise, they are going to douse them all in gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, collecting donations.”

“How much is everyone giving, on average?” the driver asks.

The man replies, “Roughly a gallon.”

An extremely modest man was in the hospital for a series of tests, the last of which had left his bodily systems extremely upset.

Upon making several false alarm trips to the bathroom, he decided the latest episode was another and stayed put. He suddenly filled his bed with diarrhea and was embarrassed beyond his ability to remain rational.

In a complete loss of composure he jumped out of bed, gathered up the bed sheets, and threw them out the hospital window.

A drunk was walking by the hospital when the sheets landed on him. He started yelling, cursing, and swinging his arms violently trying to get the unknown things off, and ended up with the soiled sheets in a tangled pile at his feet.

As the drunk stood there, unsteady on his feet, staring down at the sheets, a hospital security guard who had watched the whole incident walked up and asked, "What the heck is going on here?"

The drunk, still staring down replied: "I think I just beat the E36 M3 out of a ghost!"

"If you win the lottery, the first thing I want you to get me is a face lift and a boob job," said my 49 year old girlfriend as I was checking my ticket.

"Well, actually, the first thing I would buy is a reconditioned engine and a respray for my Mondeo," I replied.

"Why would you waste your money tarting that old thing up, you might as well get yourself a new one," she said.

"My point exactly."

anyone wonder why I'm not married ?

Probably a repost.