Couldn't believe it when I heard Steve Jobs was deaf.
I knew he was I'll but even so I was still stunning when it came on the news.
We'll never see anteater like him again.
Sent from my iPhone.
Some Thoughts on Sex:
"Bisexuality immediately doubles your chances for a date on Saturday night.
Rodney Dangerfield
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz 380SL."
Lynn Lavner
"Sex at age 90 is like trying to shoot pool with a rope."
Camille Paglia
"Sex is one of the nine reasons for incarnation. The other eight are unimportant."
George Burns
"Women might be able to fake orgasms. But men can fake a whole relationship."
Sharon Stone
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch."
Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is."
Barbara Bush
"Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place"
MacbobT
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful."
Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?"
Dustin Hoffman
"There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked !"
Jerry Seinfeld
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom."
Joan Rivers
"Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy."
Steve Martin
"You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for in later life."
Elmo Phillips
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same."
Oscar Wilde
" It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married."
George Burns
A guy sits down at the bar and orders drink after drink.
"Is everything okay, mate?" the bartender asks.
"My wife and I got into a fight and she said she isn't talking to me for a month!"
Trying to put a positive spin on things, the bartender says, "Well, maybe that's kind of a good thing. You know, a little peace and quiet?"
"Yeah. But today is the last day!”
the answer to that one:
Isn't there supposed to be some thruth to jokes? I don't know of any wife who could actually refrain from talking to her husband for an entire month, especially when she's angry at him. That stored up nagging energy gotta create a black hole or something like that.
An 85-year-old man was requested by his doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam. The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow." The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked, what happened and the man explained. "Well, doc, it's like this--first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing." The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?" The old man replied, "Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
A man is driving along a highway and sees a rabbit jump out across the middle of the road. He swerves to avoid hitting it, but unfortunately the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.
The driver, a sensitive man as well as an animal lover, pulls over and gets out seeing what has become of the rabbit. Much to his dismay, the rabbit is dead.
The driver feels so awful that he begins to cry. A beautiful blonde woman driving down the highway sees a man crying on the side of the road and pulls over. She steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.
"I feel terrible, “he explains, “I accidentally hit this rabbit and killed it." The blonde says, “Don’t worry." She runs to her car and pulls out a spray can. She walks over to the limp, dead rabbit, bends down, and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.
The rabbit jumps up, waves its paw at the two of them and hops off down the road. Ten feet away the rabbit stops, turns around and waves again, He hops down the road another 10 feet, turns and waves, Hops another ten feet, turns and waves, and repeats this again and again and again, until he hops out of sight.
The man is astonished. He runs over to the woman and demands, "What is in that can? What did you spray on that rabbit?" The woman turns the can around so that the man can read the label. It says. "Hair Spray - Restores life to dead hair, and adds permanent wave."
This one is sure to offend but it still made me laugh.
Do you know why they call it PMS?
Mad Cow Disease was already taken.
What happens if you kiss a canarie?
You get cherpies.........and its un-tweetable.
In reply to Toyman01:
I like your jokes. You are one of the few guys here that shares (some) stuff that I can share with my kids.
Everybodys laughing.
A toothpaste factory had a problem - they occasionally shipped empty boxes without the tube inside. This challenged their perceived quality with buyers and distributors. Knowing how important the relationship with them was, the CEO of the company assembled his top people. They decided to hire an external engineering company to solve their empty boxes problem. A highly recommended firm was eventually hired. The project followed the usual process: budget and project sponsor allocated and third-parties selected. Six months and $8 million later they had a fantastic solution - on time, on budget, and high quality. Everyone on the project was pleased.
They solved the problem by using a high-tech precision scale that would sound a "loud bell" and flash lights whenever a toothpaste box "weighed less" than it should. The line would stop and someone would walk over; remove the defective box; and then press another button to re-start the line. As a result of the new package monitoring process, no empty boxes were being shipped out of the factory. With no more customer complaints, the CEO felt the $8 million was well spent. He then reviewed the line statistics report and discovered the number of empty boxes picked up by the scale in the first week was consistent with projections. However, in the next three weeks, there were "zero" empty boxes; the estimated rate should have been at least a dozen boxes a day. He had the engineers check the equipment and they verified the report was accurate. Puzzled, the CEO traveled down to the factory, viewed the part of the line where the "precision" scale was installed and observed that just ahead of the $8 million dollar solution sat a $20 dollar desk fan blowing empty boxes off the belt and into a bin. He asked the line supervisor what that was about. "Oh that," the supervisor replied, "Bert, the kid from maintenance, put it there because he was tired of walking over every time the bell rang to re-start the line."
It's only when you see a mosquito landing on your testicles that you realize there is always a way to solve problems without using violence.
The IRS suspected a fishing boat owner wasn't paying proper wages to his deckhand and sent an agent to investigate him.
IRS AUDITOR: "I need a list of your employees and how much you pay them".
Boat Owner: "Well, there's Clarence, my deckhand, he's been with me for 3 years. I pay him $1,000 a week plus free room and board. Then there's the mentally challenged guy. He works about 18 hours every day and does about 90% of the work around here. He makes about $10 per week, pays his own room and board, and I buy him a bottle of Bacardi rum and a dozen Budweisers every Saturday night so he can cope with life. He also gets to sleep with my wife occasionally".
IRS AUDITOR: "That's the guy I want to talk to - the mentally challenged one".
Boat Owner: "That would be me. What would you want to know"?
I asked a friend for his newspaper. He told me to get with times and handed me his iPad.
That fly never saw it coming.
Do Las Vegas Churches accept gambling chips?
This may come as a surprise to those of you not living in Las Vegas, but there are more Catholic churches than casinos.
Not surprisingly, some worshippers at Sunday services will give casino chips rather than cash when the basket is passed.
Since they get chips from many different casinos, the churches have devised a method to collect the offerings.
The churches send all their collected chips to a nearby Franciscan monastery for sorting and then the chips are taken to the casinos of origin and cashed in.
This is done by the Chip Monks.
Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to portray, as long as they were famous.
"Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him."
"Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," replied Willis. "I'll play him."
"I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him."
Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?"
Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, "I'll be Bach."
Toyman01 wrote: Steven Spielberg was discussing his new project - an action docudrama about famous composers starring top movie stars. Sylvester Stallone, Steven Segall, Bruce Willis, and Arnold Schwarzenegger were all present. Spielberg strongly desired the box office 'oomph' of these superstars, so he was prepared to allow them to select whatever composers they wished to portray, as long as they were famous. "Well," started Stallone, "I've always admired Mozart. I would love to play him." "Chopin has always been my favorite, and my image would improve if people saw me playing the piano," replied Willis. "I'll play him." "I've always been partial to Strauss and his waltzes," said Segall. "I'd like to play him." Spielberg was very pleased with these choices. "Sounds splendid." Then, turning to Schwarzenegger, he asked, "Who do you want to be, Arnold?" Arnold in a slow deliberate voice replied, "I'll be Bach."
In reply to Flight Service:
A group of women were attending a seminar on how to live in a loving relationship with their husbands. The women were asked, "How many of you love your husband?" All of the women raised their hands. Then they were asked, "When was the last time you told your husband you loved him?" Some women answered today, a few yesterday, and some couldn't remember. The women were told to take out their cell phones and text their husbands, "I love you, sweetheart." The women then exchanged their phones with another person. The women read aloud the text message the phone received in response.
Some of the replies:
"Who the hell is this?" "Hey, mother of my children, are you sick or what?" "Yes, and I love you too. What's up??" "Did you wreck the car again?" "I don't understand what you mean?" "What the @#$% did you do now?" "Don't beat around the bush, just tell me how much you need?" "Am I dreaming?" "If you don't tell me who this message is actually for, someone will die." "I thought we agreed you wouldn't drink during the day." "Your mother is coming to stay with us, isn't she?"
We can speculate on the replies received during a similar exercise at a men's seminar.
A man goes into a library and asks if they have any books on Paranoia. The librarian beckons him closer, looks left and right then whispers, "They're behind you."
Others your own age Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, surely I can't look that old? Well......you'll love this one!
I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist. I noticed his dental degree, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall, handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my secondary school class some 30-odd years ago. Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought. This balding, grey-haired man, with the deeply lined face was far too old to have been my classmate. After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended Morgan Park Secondary School.
“Yes, yes I did. I'm a Morganner!” He beamed with pride.
“When did you leave to go to college?” I asked.
He answered “in 1965, why do you ask?”
“You were in my class!” I exclaimed.
He looked at me closely. Then the ugly, old, bald, wrinkled, fat-arsed, decrepit, bastard asked.... “What did you teach?”
Mom and her young son were flying Southwest Airlines from Kansas City to Chicago. The little boy, who had been looking out the window, turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The mother, who couldn't think of an answer, told her son to ask the flight attendant. So the boy went down the aisle and asked the flight attendant, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?" The busy flight attendant smiled and said, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?" The boy said, "Why, Yes, she did."
Well then, you go and tell your mother that there are no baby planes because Southwest always pulls out on time. Ask her to explain that to you.
Brenda O'Malley is home making dinner, as usual, when Tim Finnegan arrives at her door. "Brenda, may I come in?" he asks, "I've somethin' to tell ya."
"Of course you can come in, you're always welcome, Tim. But where's my husband?"
"That's what I'm here to be telling ya, Brenda. There was an accident down at the Guinness brewery..."
"Oh, God no!" cries Brenda. "Please don't tell me."
"I must, Brenda. Your husband Shamus is dead and gone. I'm sorry."
Finally, she looked up at Tim. "How did it happen, Tim?"
"It was terrible, Brenda. He fell into a vat of Guinness Stout and drowned."
"Oh my dear Jesus! But you must tell me truth, Tim. Did he at least go quickly?"
"Well, Brenda... no. In fact, he got out three times to pee."
10 year old sons joke of the day.
Why did the football coach ask for a refund?
He wanted his quarter-back
The madam opened the brothel door to see a rather dignified, well-dressed good looking man in his late 40’s or early 50’s.
“May I help you?” she asked.
“I want to see Valerie,” the man replied.
“Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else,” said the madam.
“No, I must see Valerie,” was the man’s reply.
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man that she charged $1,000 a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten one-hundred dollar bills, gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the same man appeared again, demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that none had ever come back two nights in a row–too expensive–and there were no discounts. The price was still $1,000. Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for the third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs. After their session, Valerie questioned the man. “No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?” she asked.
The man replied, ” South Carolina.”
“Really” she said. “I have family in South Carolina.”
“I know,” the man said. “Your father died, and I am your sister’s attorney. She asked me to give you your $3,000 inheritance.”
The moral of the story is that three things in life are certain:
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