Joke of the day

oops …. this was supposed to go to another forum

I'll make it go away

Two elderly women were out driving in a large car, neither one could hardly see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, "I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through a red light!" After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light was red, and again they went right through. This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, but was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, "Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!" Mildred turned to her and said, "Oh My Gosh!! Am I driving!!?"

A Mexican magician was performing in front of a large crowd. He told the crowd that he would disappear on the count of three.

Uno! Dos! POOF He was gone with out a trace.

True story: Saw an SUV with one of those buckmark/browning stickers on the back today. You coudn't drive that SUV to the nearest place where you might find a deer, but if you loaded the SUV onto a plane you could fly there in about 2 and a half hours.

Scott_H wrote: A Mexican magician was performing in front of a large crowd. He told the crowd that he would disappear on the count of three. Uno! Dos! **POOF** He was gone with out a tres.

FTFY

The boss wondered why one of his most valued employees was absent but had not phoned in sick.

So he dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whisper. 'Hello ?'

'Is your daddy home?' '

Small voice whispered, ' Yes, he's out in the garden ,

’May I talk with him?' The child whispered,

' No .'

So the boss asked, 'Well, is your Mommy there?'

‘Yes she's out in the garden too’

‘The boss asked; 'May I talk with her?'. Again the ‘No’ .

'Hoping there was somebody with whom he could leave a message, the boss asked, 'Is anybody else there?'

'Yes' whispered the child, 'A Policeman'.

Wondering what a Police Officer would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, 'May I speak with the Policeman?'

' No, He's busy , ' whispered the child.

'Busy doing what?'

'Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the Police dog men. '

Growing more worried as he heard a loud noise in the background, the boss asked, 'What is that noise?'

' It's a helicopter ' answered the whispering voice.

'What is going on there?' demanded the boss, now truly apprehensive.

'The search team just landed a helicopter '

'A search team?' said the boss. 'What are they searching for?'

Still whispering, the young voice replied with a muffled giggle.... 'ME'

How many Germans does it take to change a light bulb.

...

Only one, because they are efficient and lack humor.

A WOMAN'S POEM:

Before I lay me down to sleep,

I pray for a man who's not a creep,

One who's handsome, smart and strong.

One who loves to listen long,

One who thinks before he speaks,

One who'll call, not wait for weeks..

I pray he's rich and self-employed,

And when I spend, won't be annoyed.

Pull out my chair and hold my hand..

Massage my feet and help me stand.

Oh send a king to make me queen.

A man who loves to cook and clean.

I pray this man will love no other.

And relish visits with my mother.

A MAN'S POEM:

I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with

Big tits who owns a bar on a golf course,

And loves to send me fishing and drinking..

This doesn't rhyme and I don't give a E36 M3.

A guy walked into a crowded bar, waving his unholstered pistol and yelled, "I have a .45 Colt with an eight shot clip and I want to know who's been sleeping with my wife." A voice from the back of the room called out, "You don't have enough ammo.

I recently spent $6,500 on a young registered Black Angus bull. I put him out with the herd but he just ate grass and wouldn't even look at a cow. I was beginning to think I had paid more for that bull than he was worth.

Anyhow, I had the Vet come and have a look at him. He said the bull was very healthy, but possibly just a little young, so he gave me some pills to feed him once per day.

The bull started to service the cows within two days, all my cows! He even broke through the fence and bred with all of my neighbor's cows! He's like a machine! I don't know what was in the pills the Vet gave him -- but they kind of taste like peppermint.

A burglar breaks into a house and is creeping around in the dark, trying to decide his plan of action and best targets. As he bumps into the furniture, he suddenly hears a voice say clearly, "Jesus is watching you!".

He pauses for a moment, and when the silence returns he again begins casing the joint. A few minutes later he again hears, "Jesus is watching you!".

The guy is creeped out, but very intent on finding some value in his efforts. When he's confident the silence is satisfactory, he again starts crawling around the room, and once again hears, "Jesus is watching you!".

This time the burglar realizes the voice is coming from the bird cage. He looks in the cage and sees a parrot, who again says "Jesus is watching you!".

The burglar realizes the bird poses no threat, and he says to the bird, "What's your name?". The parrot replies, "Clarence".

The burglar asks, "What kind of idiot names a parrot "Clarence"?".

The parrot answers, "The same idiot that named the Rottweiler "Jesus"".

A guy phones his ex-wife's office and says, "I want to speak to Susan."

The receptionist replies, "I'm sorry but she died last week."

The next day he phones again and asks the same question. The receptionist replies, "I told you yesterday, she died last week."

The next day the guy calls again and asks to speak to his ex-wife. By this time the receptionist is getting annoyed and replies, "I keep telling you that Susan died last week. Why do you keep calling?"

The guy responds, "Because I just love hearing it."

So there's this fella with a parrot. And this parrot swears like a sailor - I mean he's a pistol. He can swear for 5 minutes straight without repeating himself. Trouble is, the guy who owns him is a quiet, conservative type, and this bird's fowl mouth is driving him crazy.

One day, it gets to be too much, so the guy grabs the bird by the throat, shakes him really hard, and yells, "QUIT IT!". But this just makes the bird mad and he swears more than ever. Then the guy gets mad and says, "OK for you!" and locks the bird in a kitchen cabinet. This really aggravates the bird and he claws and scratches, and when the guy finally lets him out, the bird cuts loose with a stream of invective that would make a veteran sailor blush.

At that point, the guy is so mad that he throws the bird into the freezer. For the first few seconds there is a terrible din. The bird kicks and claws and thrashes. Then it suddenly gets_very_quiet.

At first the guy just waits, but then he starts to think that the bird may be hurt. After a couple of minutes of silence, he's so worried that he opens up the freezer door. The bird calmly climbs onto the man's out-stretched arm and says, "Awfully sorry about the trouble I gave you. I'll do my best to improve my vocabulary from now on.".

The man is astounded. He can't understand the transformation that has come over the parrot. Then the parrot says, "By the way, pardon me for asking, but what did the chicken do?".

Insert the political brand of your choice. This is a bisexual joke, it goes both ways.

A teacher asked her 6th grade class how many of them were Obama fans.

Not really knowing what an Obama fan is, but wanting to be liked by the teacher, all the kids raised their hands except for Little Johnny.

The teacher asked Little Johnny why he has decided to be different… again.

Little Johnny said, “Because I’m not an Obama fan.”

The teacher asked, “Why aren’t you a fan of Obama?” Johnny said, “Because I’m a Republican.”

The teacher asked him why he’s a Republican. Little Johnny answered, “Well, my Mom’s a Republican and my Dad’s a Republican, so I’m a Republican.”

Annoyed by this answer, the teacher asked, “If your mom were a moron and your dad were an idiot, what would that make you?”

With a big smile, Little Johnny replied, “That would make me an Obama fan..”

After a very long deployment at sea, the aircraft carrier U.S.S. Abraham Lincoln was finally inching up to the pier at Alameda when the Captain of the ship noticed a sailor on the flight deck gesturing wildly with semaphore flags.

He then noticed an attractive young woman standing on top of a station wagon, also waving semaphore flags.

Always concerned about security and never having seen something like this, the Captain barked at his Bridge Signalman, "What message are those two people sending?"

The Signalman concentrated intently and soon reported, "Sir, he is sending FOXTROT-FOXTROT and she is sending ECHO-FOXTROT."

Not having any clue as to what these messages could mean, the Captain dispatched an armed Marine to escort the sailor back to the Bridge.

The sailor arrived, out of breath from running up the many ladders to the bridge, and saluted smartly. "Seaman Endicott reporting as ordered, sir!"

"Seaman", shouted the Captain, "Who is that woman on the pier and why are you exchanging signals FF and EF?"

"Sir, that's my wife, Sir, and she wants to Eat First!"

DEA officer stops at a ranch in Texas , and talks with an old rancher. He tells the rancher, "I need to inspect your ranch for illegally grown drugs." The rancher says, "Okay , but do not go in that field over there," as he points out the location.

The DEA officer verbally explodes saying, " Mister, I have the authority of the Federal Government with me." Reaching into his rear pants pocket, he removes his badge and proudly displays it to the rancher. "See this badge? This badge means I am allowed to go wherever I wish.... On any land. No questions asked or answers given. Have I made myself clear? Do you understand? "

The rancher nods politely, apologizes, and goes about his chores..

A short time later, the old rancher hears loud screams and sees the DEA officer running for his life chased by the rancher's big Santa Gertrudis bull......

With every step the bull is gaining ground on the officer, and it seems likely that he'll get gored before he reaches safety. The officer is clearly terrified. The rancher throws down his tools, runs to the fence and yells at the top of his lungs.....

" Your badge. Show him your BADGE !

The local steel mill, feeling it was time for a shakeup, hired a new CEO.

The new boss was determined to rid the company of all slackers. On a tour of the facilities, the CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business. He asked the guy, "How much money do you make a week?"

A little surprised, the young man looked at him and said, "I make $400 a week. Why?"

The CEO said, "Wait right here." He walked back to his office, came back in two minutes, and handed the guy $1,600 in cash and said, "Here's four weeks' pay. Now GET OUT and don't come back."

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, "Does anyone want to tell me what that goof ball did here?"

From across the room a voice said, "Pizza delivery guy from Domino's."

I don't care if this one is a repeat

An old hillbilly farmer had a wife who nagged him unmercifully. From morning until night (and sometimes later), she was always complaining about something. The only time he got any relief was when he was out plowing with his old mule. He tried to plow a lot.

One day, when he was out plowing, his wife brought him lunch in the field. He drove the old mule into the shade, sat down on a stump and began to eat his lunch. Immediately, his wife began harassing him again. Complain, nag, nag. It just went on and on.

All of a sudden, the old mule lashed out with both hind feet, caught her smack in the back of the head. It killed her dead on the spot.

At the funeral several days later, the minister noticed something rather odd when a woman mourner would approach the old farmer. He would listen for a minute, then nod his head in agreement, but when a man mourner approached him, he would listen for a minute, then shake his head in disagreement. This was so consistent, the minister decided to ask the old farmer about it.

So, after the funeral, the minister spoke to the old farmer and asked him why he nodded his head and agreed with the women, but always shook his head and disagreed with all the men.

The old farmer said, "Well, the women would come up and say something about how nice my wife looked or how pretty her dress was, so I'd nod my head in agreement."

"And what about the men"? the minister asked.

"They wanted to know if the mule was for sale."

Year-to-date statistics on Airport screening from the Department of Homeland Security

• Terrorist Plots Discovered 0

• Transvestites 433

• Hernias 1,485

• Hemorrhoid Cases 3,172

• Enlarged Prostates 7,249

• Breast Implants 59,350

• Natural Blondes 3

Understanding Engineers One:

Two engineering students were walking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?" The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want." The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."

..................................................................................................................................

Understanding Engineers Two:

To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be. .................................................................................................................................. Understanding Engineers Three:

A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the green-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, what's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The green-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime." The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight." The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?" .................................................................................................................................. Understanding Engineers Four:

What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets. .................................................................................................................................. Understanding Engineers Five:

The graduate with an engineering's degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?" .................................................................................................................................. Understanding Engineers Six:

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?" .................................................................................................................................. Understanding Engineers Seven:

Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet. ...................................................................................................................................

Understanding Engineers Eight:

An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do ANYTHING you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool."

A man goes to the doctor and tells him that he hasn't been feeling well. The doctor examines him, leaves the room and comes back with three different bottles of pills.

The doctor says, "Take the green pill with a big glass of water when you get up. Take the blue pill with a big glass of water after lunch. Then just before going to bed, take the red pill with another big glass of water."

Startled to be put on so much medicine the man stammers, "Jeez doc, exactly what's my problem?"

The Doctor says, "You're not drinking enough water."

Conclusion of a radio advertisement by a local plumber…

Whether you’re feeling down in the dumps or just need to take one, call us, we’ll make you feel better.

Three men: a project manager, a software engineer, and a hardware engineer are helping out on a project. About midweek they decide to walk up and down the beach during their lunch hour. Halfway up the beach, they stumbled upon a lamp. As they rub the lamp a genie appears and says "Normally I would grant you three wishes, but since there are three of you, I will grant you each one wish."

The hardware engineer went first. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living in a huge house in St. Thomas with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him on off to St. Thomas.

The software engineer went next. "I would like to spend the rest of my life living on a huge yacht cruising the Mediterranean with no money worries." The genie granted him his wish and sent him off to the Mediterranean.

Last, but not least, it was the project manager's turn. "And what would your wish be?" asked the genie.

"I want them both back after lunch" replied the project manager.

A woman wrote to tech support, and their reply is a stroke of genius...

Dear Tech Support, ’Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slowdown in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0.

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as: Romance 9.5 and Personal Attention 6.5, and then installed undesirable programs such as: NBA 5.0, NFL 3.0 and Golf Clubs 4.1.

Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and House cleaning 2.6 simply crashes the system. Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail What can I do?

Signed, Desperate

Dear Desperate, "First keep in mind, Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while Husband 1.0 is an Operating System. Please enter command: I thought you loved me.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update. If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1. Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.

Whatever you do, DO NOT, under any circumstances, install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.) In addition, please, do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0.

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend: Cooking 3.0 and Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!”

Tech Support

Woman: Do you drink beer?

Man: Yes

Woman: How many beers a day?

Man: Usually about 3

Woman: How much do you pay per beer?

Man: $5.00 which includes a tip(This is where it gets scary!)

Woman: And how long have you been drinking?

Man: About 20 years, I suppose

Woman: So a beer costs $5.00 and you have 3 beers a day which puts your spending each month at $450.00. In one year, it would be approximately $5400.00 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: If in 1 year you spend $5400.00, not accounting for inflation, the past 20 years puts your spending at $108,000.00 correct?

Man: Correct

Woman: Do you know that if you didn't drink so much beer, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 20 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you drink beer?

Woman: No.

Man: So where's your Ferrari?