Joke of the day

"5.  I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently.   I have new ideas!" I want this on a XXL T-shirt.....who here can make this happen?

The owner of a drug store walks in to find a guy leaning heavily against a wall. The owner asks the clerk "What's with that guy over there by the wall?" 

The clerk replies, "Well, he came in here this morning to get something for his cough. I couldn't find the cough syrup, so I gave him an entire bottle of laxative."

The owner screams, "You idiot! You can't treat a cough with a bottle of laxatives!"

The clerk calmly replies, "Of course you can! Look at him; he's afraid to cough."

759NRNG said:

"5.  I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently.   I have new ideas!" I want this on a XXL T-shirt.....who here can make this happen?

Found a site called entripy.com that will do one-off custom shirts for cheap:

A lawyer from New York City runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a South Carolina State Trooper.
Being from New York, he thinks that he is smarter than the Trooper because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Trooper’s expense…
Trooper says, “License and registration, please.”
Lawyer says, “What for?”
Trooper says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Trooper says, “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”
Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”
Trooper says, “The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”
Lawyer says, “If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket.”
Trooper says, “All right then Sir, exit your vehicle please.”
At this point, the Trooper takes out his nightstick and starts beating the **** out of the lawyer and says:
“Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?”

Toyman! said:

A lawyer from New York City runs a stop sign and gets pulled over by a South Carolina State Trooper.
Being from New York, he thinks that he is smarter than the Trooper because he is sure that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Trooper’s expense…
Trooper says, “License and registration, please.”
Lawyer says, “What for?”
Trooper says, “You didn’t come to a complete stop at the stop sign.”
Lawyer says, “I slowed down, and no one was coming.”
Trooper says, “You still didn’t come to a complete stop. License and registration, please.”
Lawyer says, “What’s the difference?”
Trooper says, “The difference is, you have to come to a complete stop, that’s the law. License and registration, please!”
Lawyer says, “If you can show me the difference between slow down and stop, I’ll give you my license and registration and you give me the ticket, if not you let me go and no ticket.”
Trooper says, “All right then Sir, exit your vehicle please.”
At this point, the Trooper takes out his nightstick and starts beating the **** out of the lawyer and says:
“Do you want me to stop, or just slow down?”

King's X !!!!!

I came into some money via windfall.   Decided to look up my family history.

Telling a friend about it, he flipped.   "What?  $5,000 for family history?"

No no, $2,000 for the history, $3,000 to bury it!!

You do understand how statistics works right?

It is said that 4 out of 5 people suffer from abdominal pain. Statistically that means the 5th person enjoys it.  

After the Holiday why did the Pine tree go to the Doctor?

It has tinsleitist.

Apologies, in a crowded room my 2 year old grandson says:

"Grandpa needs a new butt !!"

what, why?

"Cause it's got a crack in it."

The Japanese just invented a new car and didn't know what to call it

"Let's call the Germans, they're good with names Porsche Audi..."

"Allo."

Ah, dis Mr Neesonn from Yapan.  We need name for new car we made.

"Hmph, when you need zes name?"

By Tuesday.

OMG Dat soon?

DON'T ARGUE WITH DONKEYS

"The donkey said to the tiger:
"The grass is blue."

The tiger replied:
"No, the grass is green."

The discussion heated up, and the two decided to go to the lion, the king of the jungle.

Already before reaching the forest, where the lion was sitting on his throne, the donkey began to shout:
"His Highness, is it true that the grass is blue?"

The lion replied:
"True, the grass is blue."

The donkey hurried and continued:
"The tiger disagrees with me and contradicts and annoys me, please punish him."

The king then declared:
"The tiger will be punished with 5 years of silence."

The donkey jumped cheerfully and went on his way, content and repeating:
"The grass is blue!"

The tiger accepted his punishment, but he asked the lion:
"Your Majesty, why have you punished me? After all, the grass is green."

The lion replied:
"In fact, the grass is green."

The tiger asked:
"So why are you punishing me?"

The lion replied:
"That has nothing to do with the question of whether the grass is blue or green. The punishment is because it is not possible for a brave and intelligent creature like you to waste time arguing with a donkey, and on top of that come and bother me with that question."

The worst waste of time is arguing with the fool and fanatic who does not care about truth or reality, but only the victory of his beliefs and illusions. Never waste time on arguments that don't make sense... There are people who, no matter how much evidence and evidence we present to them, are not in the capacity to understand, and others are blinded by ego, hatred and resentment, and all they want is to be right even if they are not. When ignorance screams, intelligence is silent. Your peace and quietness are worth more."
 

A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale.'

He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard.

The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice looking Labrador Retriever sitting there.

"You talk?" he asks.

"Yep" the Lab replies.

After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?"

The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping, I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running... but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired."

The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog.

"Ten dollars" the guy says.

"Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on Earth are you selling him so cheap?"

"Because he's a berking liar. He's never been out of the yard."

In reply to Crxpilot :

A Guy Takes His Girlfriend To Her First Football Game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench.

After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.

"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."

Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"

"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it, and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was, 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like, hello? It's only 25 cents!"
😂🤣😂

How do you woo a country girl?

A tractor.

Stevie Wonder and Tiger Woods meet at a fund raiser. Woods turns to Wonder and says:
"How is the singing career going?"
Stevie Wonder replies:
"Not too bad! How's the golf?"
Woods replies:
"Not too bad, I've had some problems with my swing, but I think I've got that right now."
Stevie Wonder says:
"I always find that when my swing goes wrong, I need to stop playing for a while and not think about it. Then, the
next time I play, it seems to be all right.
Tiger Woods says:
"You play golf?"
Stevie Wonder says:
"Oh, yes, I've been playing for years."
Woods says:
"But, you're blind. How can you play golf if you're blind?"
Wonder replies:
"I get my caddy to stand in the middle of the fairway and call to me. I listen for the sound of his voice and play the ball towards him. Then, when I get to where the ball lands, the caddy moves to the green or farther down the fairway and again I play the ball towards his voice."
"But, how do you putt?", asks Woods. "Well," says Stevie, "I get my caddy to lean down in front of the hole and call to me with his head on the ground and I just play the ball towards his voice."
Woods asks:
"What's your handicap?"
Stevie says,
"Well, I'm a scratch golfer."
Woods, incredulous, says to Stevie: "We've got to play a round sometime."
Wonder replies:
"Well, people don't take me seriously, so I only play for money, and never play for less than $10,000 a hole."
Woods thinks about it and says,
"OK, I'm game for that, when would
you like to play?"
Stevie says,
"Pick a night."