Just today Lucas said:
"Mommy, we shouldn't throw anybody in the harbour....because they will die."
"And anything about poo is yucky, so it is funny. All yucky things are funny!"
"I am so glad that turtlenecks are real. But sometimes turtlenecks get dirty. But when the turtlenecks are done in the washing machine we can wear them again."
It was so funny! He said it all at once, like he had just thought it all up in one minute.
Let's hear yours.
"Hey Mom, can I have five bucks?"
My kids are in high school 
Margie
You should be happy they only ask for $5, even 10 years ago when I was in high school I asked for at least $20 sometimes more!
It was my oldest son's birthday last week. He's a voracious reader, so my wife convinced me that he's ready for an e-reader. We scored a Nook on black Friday for 99 bucks, so she won.
Upon opening his birthday present, #1 son was surprised. "Why do they put printed instructions in the box? Shouldn't it just be an e-book?"
Meanwhile, Dad is jealous.
My youngest exclaimed:
"Look at Tate! He is playing with the bunnies!"
Just seconds before he saw the first thing in his life he couldn't ever unsee. Terriers do not play nice with baby bunnies they find in the hedges.
"fire, dada FI-YURRRRR"
The Ranger burned to the ground shortly after.
While looking at fish in the gihugerous fishtank at Bass Pro Shops, my nephew (2, IIRC) was trying to climb up the side and get closer or something that his mother didn't want him to do. She asked him to step back and come toward her. My youngest (then 6, IIRC) said, "It's OK Aunt Kate, There's glass there." As if her aunt was worried that he would get to the fish or the fish would get to him.
My kids called "The Parking Spot" shuttle bus the "Cheese Bus" so I call it that to this day.
My daughter at 16- "Daddy, I'm gonna have a baby, and I'm getting married to Julio". That was a real shocker, but 25 years later it has all worked out very well. Julio is a jewel, if a little rough around the edges.
While allowing my children to drive a car in a field for the first time. I was buckling a car seat in behind the steering wheel in preparation for my youngest (3 at the time) to have a turn at the wheel.
"Daddy," she said.
I was wrestling with the seat and asked her to wait just a second. "There, got it," I said "what did you want to say?"
"Daddy," She said, "I don't know how to drive."
I just laughed and said, "That's all right, we're going to teach you!"
And boy did they have fun for the next half hour or so.
We didn't have this problem, but my niences and nephews seemed to pick up every mumbled profanity instantly. And they won't forget it and they will bring it out at the worst possible time.
A well respected female Jr high principal adopted a kid that had a few learning disabilities. He was REALLY active. He went to kindergarten one day, which was held at the church that she and I attended, and he proceeded to tell the teachers that his mom liked to walk around the house naked. Lucky kid, This woman was 6 foot tall, willowy, attractive, with long dark hair.
Edit: One of my nephews once told his mother he was at his high state of pissidity. We still use that one.
This was my kid's most recent doozy:
My brother took his daughter to see Alice in Wonderland (the new one). Shortly after she started request him to do the fudderwacken. Only some how it became berkeleyerwacken. Needless to say we had her say it a few more times before our respective wives got mad at us.
When my son was three, I found him with his toy cutting board and knife with his rubber alligator on the cutting board. I said, "Hey, kiddo, are you making alligator for dinner?"
To which he replied: "No, daddy, this alligator is dead, and I have to do the autopsy."
Age four: "I want some monsterella cheese."
Not long ago, my wife and I were talking in the back bedroom when she realized that the oven was beeping. She ran down the hallway toward the kitchen, and my son (now six) had the following reaction:
jumps about 5 feet onto the couch from where he was standing "AHHHH! Is there a venomous snake in the house!?"
My wife looks at him and says the only appropriate thing: "Huh?"
His reply: "Wouldn't you run if there was a venomous snake in the house? I'd run if there was a venomous snake in the house."
When my kid was still in a back seat kiddie seat thing (5?) stopped at a red light next to a body shop. He eyes the bent up pickup at the curb waiting for a turn in the shop - "Wow. Somebody beat the hell out of that one."
Trish and I just looked at each other laughing, what do you say?
When my eldest (now 24) was about 2, he used to walk around the house with a tape measure measuring things.
We would say, "How big is the chair?", and he would say, "two, four". "How big is the table?". "Four, ten".
His mom was working at the kitchen counter and he walked up and measured the width of her backside. I said, "How big is Mommy?" He said, "two, fat"! 
and how long before YOU got out of the doghouse that time ?
My (then) 4 yr old at a pre-school concert..." Da itchy bitchy spider, falled up the water spout" Hilarity ensued.
My 2 yo son: C-free four five - golden friend of r2d2
Ford Mustache
Charlie Brown and Noose Me
My kid was ~6, we went to a local park where there is a large hill that kids slide down, it works best on pieces of cardboard. A couple of kids were rolling down rather than sliding and she said 'Dad, if they aren't careful they will pay the price. And I'm speaking metaphorically.' She then explained what a metaphor was. 
wbjones wrote: and how long before YOU got out of the doghouse that time ?
Hey, wait a minute... I didn't say it- He did!
Oh wait... he was 2. I guess it doesn't sound too convincing, does it??
My boy was just barely at the talking stage. A year and a half or so, in the carseat with Mom, Grandma, and Great Grandma, when in a loud clear voice, he announced " I have a Big Penis"
and I don't know how the heck Mom maintained control of the car. I was laughing so hard I couldn't see. And no, I didn't coach him to say it, he came up with that bon mot all by hisself...
In the Aquarium and the curator tells us about how Sturgeons are on the endangered species list due to the caviar harvesting of them.
My oldest (6) raised his hand and said "and they are tasty too."
She looked like she saw a ghost and started to stutter, my son raised his hand again. I grabbed him before he got a chance to say something again.
I don't know the kid that said it so I can't give him credit but he was next to me at the perfume counter at Macy's when I was shopping for the wife. A salesperson offered his adult a sample of a perfume from Vera Wang. The boy, about 7-8 looked at the bottle and asked "Why would mom want to smell like Vera's Wang?"
Jay_W wrote: when in a loud clear voice, he announced " I have a Big Penis"
Kids hear the darndest things.
In reply to 914Driver:
Heh heh heh...but one doesn't talk about what one has, yes? 
we'd only recently had the "what's this called?' conversation, but other than that he got no other input to make his announcement that I know of. He gets all the credit. He's sumpthin else, that boy...
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