Learn me: 19yo with massive anxiety

This place has info for every topic. Who has a been here and found something useful?
 

reading?

counseling?

psychiatric (drugs)?

kahn academy?

I am an introvert. In HS and college the idea of giving a presentation terrified me. At 49 I'm finally getting comfortable going around a room and telling strangers about myself, or talking about stuff for which I have expertise.  

My wife is similar except she had anxiety far worse as a kid. She got better at stuff like that.. way into her thirties. 
 

I have kid who is 19, starting second year of college and has it bad. Terrified of simple social interaction. Smart. Good looking. Health and happy.. except for crippling anxiety. 
 

Who can help?

Don't know what to tell you other than like you I kind of worked my way through it over the years.  I think the moment I realized that the person I was talking to wouldn't remember me one bit a day later helped.  Now I have a berk it who cares attitude when dealing with the public because honestly they don't care.

Is the kid local? When one of my daughters was feeling acute anxiety, I often went for walks with her. Walking leads to talking. Walking and talking relieves anxiety - short term.

Talk to someone. Maybe therapy of some sort will do it. Maybe medicine. The person/people you talk to can help make that decision. 

But don't just let it go and hope it'll go away. My brother did that and it broke him. Stopped school. Attempted suicide a couple of times. Too many drugs. He's going to spend his entire adult life living with my parents on Social Security disability. Earlier intervention maybe could have put him on a different course. I like to believe that it could have. 

If it is actually crippling, then talking to someone might be a good thing.  Mental health in the US is abysmal, though.

Joining a social club of some sort at school, with like-minded people, could help.  I saw several wallflowers come into their own while I spent a couple years at FSAE.  

Without getting into too many details, both our kids deal with anxiety to one degree or another.  Counseling definitely helps as do positive activities / outlets for helping deal with stress.   There isn’t any one magic bullet answer any more than any two people are alike but it’s important to try to find something that will help.   Your daughter knowing that you’re concerned and wanting to help is a great start, I hope you can assist in finding her a path to being more comfortable.  

In reply to AAZCD (Forum Supporter) :

Yes. Local. Great idea and one that works!
 

In reply to Stampie (FS) :

Same. Teens don't like to believe that "nobody gives a E36 M3" and "everything you think matters doesn't really matter". They have to experience it. 

In reply to 11GTCS :

(He) definitely knows we're concerned. And he's very aware but trying to solve it in his own- which is great but it seems to perpetuate rather than help.

How did you find a counselor?

In reply to Mr_Asa :

School club is a great idea and one that we're encouraging. Coronavirus is making that harder but definitely top of the list for some human interaction. 

Mazdeuce - Seth :

definitely not ignoring it. Kid has an uncle who is a bit of a lost soul too. thx

Another vote for getting help. I'm 45 and have just started dealing with it. I almost always managed to push through it usually at the expense of my health or any chance of a normal relationship with other people. I'm still not dealing with it well all the time and can sometimes be an shiny happy person but I'm nowhere near the mess I was. Thank you for wanting to help them an I wish them luck, I can't help but think I would have been better off doing something about it then instead of waiting so long. 

In reply to OHSCrifle :

Your or their health insurance often has a list of counselors available somewhere on their website.

Worrh a look, especially if you can find one that is local and/or perhaps specializes in anxiety or related issues.

Like most things, they may have to try a couple or more to find the right fit, so having a list with perhaps some recommendations from friends and family should help.

Try counselling, seriously that's where to start. 

What helped me was actually acting classes that were heavy on improv. Experiences where you have to laugh at yourself in front of others. Cracking jokes in an environment that is supportive, even if they fail. Stay away from memorize lines acting, that sucked. Look for some kind of fun time improv group.

In reply to OHSCrifle :

Sorry about reading in “daughter”, I have one of each and both have their own unique challenges.   I believe the counseling referral was through our pediatrician.   It’s good that he wants to deal with it (that’s huge actually) but I’m sure from where he sits it’s pretty overwhelming to consider and that’s before all of our “current events” are factored in.  

As with many things, small steps in a positive direction will start to yield benefits. He’ll see this himself over time and will gain more and more confidence with each step.   Covid definitely makes this more challenging, my son found working out and weight lifting to be a major stress relief and that’s a very difficult thing for him to do safely right now.  And he’s half the country away from us at school.  So yeah, I feel ya bro...  Best of luck and celebrate any / all victories when you see them.  

If it's largely social anxiety as you seem to indicate above, I'd look up a toastmasters group and start attending with him..  I'm not sure how they're doing it in corona-times, but it's an excellent program and you'll get to improve your confidence and public speaking in a structured environment.

The improv suggestion is a great one and well.

Genuine thanks to all for the suggestions and continued discussion.
 

Improv comedy I had not thought of! Brilliant honestly. 
 

Insurance list will be checked out ASAP.
 

Toastmasters, I had thought about but that's been forbidden fruit even for me. Might just be time I get over it.. for his benefit. 
 

His own willingness to find a solution is huge.

I am truly just a clueless parent. So thankful for my wife... and for you guys. 

In reply to OHSCrifle :

No worries. I'm mucking through with a toddler and another on the way. 

I think the big thing for me with improv was learning to take groups of people less seriously and stop overthinking. Luckily, I rarely have to get up in front of more than 25 people at a shot in my job. That said, I have had to present in front of pretty serious bigwigs from time to time. Knowing I have the ability to laugh off a gaff and pivot from it let a lot of the pressure out of situations and reduces the chances of a gaff.

I had a retail job (local big box store) around that age that really helped me get more comfortable interacting with strangers.

That's no replacement for the many good ideas already discussed here, but it's what worked for me. It also had the obvious benefits of getting paid, starting a 401k, keeping me busy, and teaching me about working "in the real world". It's pretty easy to find a retail gig too, even in COVID times.

I have a 14 YO going on 15, that has very similar issues, but is in that teenage phase where he thinks communication is optional.  I'll be following on here to see what I can learn. 

I've never really been too anxious in social settings, but I'll tell you something that definitely helped make me more confident? The Speech Classes I took in college. Persuasive speech, non-verbal communication, etc. 

And in high school/college I also worked at Quik Trip. So when you're forced to interact with hundreds of people per day, it becomes easier.

Have him join a martial arts or wrestling, or partnered dance class. 

I came here to say Toastmasters, too.  Local groups of normal people, and very encouraging.  Everyone is there because they don't like speaking and don't feel comfortable with all eyes on them.  The only pros there are the ones that have advanced within the system and they know what it was like.  

Each group is different and it's all based on the personalities in the group, so some fit better than others.

There is some structure but much of it is speaking with no prep, and more funny than challenging.   Like sitting around a table and someone says "baseball or football?" or some such topic.  And then we would naturally transition that to "SAE or metric."  But there, you learned to think on your feet, make statements without a lot of "ums" as filler, and were the center of attention for two minutes.  And you lived through it.

In reply to STM317 :

I've not thought it that way, but I agree - getting a retail job at 16 and basically working ever since likely helped with my own introverted anxiety. I don't like talking on the phone, but after three years of a job where I was basically on the phone all day taught me how to deal with it.

Granted, the anxiety never really goes away, but you do learn how to work through it.  

Cognitive behavioural therapy worked wonders for one of ours.

i didn't start getting help until I was in my 30's. I waited at least a decade too long. Seek professional help. 

Most people who know me see me as a confident, capable leader.  OK, some people see me as an asshat. 

Almost no one knows how crippling the anxiety was I felt when I was younger.  It still shows itself in one area of my life.

My Dad was a toastmaster.  Always exceptional at being in front of the public.  That wasn't me (although it is now).

I know what helped me break through it.  Scripted opportunities to be in front of other people.  For me, this was music and theatre.  I wasn't a great musician, but my Dad was a musician.  I always wanted to please him, so I played in bands.  Jazz bands.  Saxophone.  Most everyone in a jazz band will take turns taking solos.  Often they are improvisational.  Sometimes they are pre-written.  But there comes a moment when it's your turn to stand up, and play something.  I never got to be good enough to improvise well.  But I could do the scripted stuff.  Stand up, play a few bars, sit down.  No words.  Made me nervous as crap, but I did it.  Made my Dad smile.

Same thing happened with theatre.  There are lots of talented outgoing people who like to be center stage.  I'm not one of them.  But I loved the comradery of the theatre, and played a few small parts.  All I had to do was deliver the words someone else had written.   It wasn't easy, but I figured it out.  Musical theatre was easier.  Just deliver the words while singing along.

I didn't realize it when I was young, but those were the training grounds for being a confident outgoing leader.  Now, I'm a toastmaster.  I'll be a little insulted if you don't ask me to speak.  (I still get butterflies, but I enjoy them)

I think this stuff is probably harder with COVID.  But I would suggest seeking out the opportunities to force yourself (or your kid) to stand up in front of folks and speak out.  Perhaps without words.  Perhaps with other people's words.  Debate club, poetry slams, singing in a choir, reading to kids, instructing a group for a task... there are many ways to engage (and still plenty in an online world).  My son designs scenes and leads Dungeons and Dragons games.  OK, not my thing, but it works!

Good luck!

41 and I think I've dealt with it my entire life. Its undiagnosed, so I can only guess the other nightmares that are going on in there. 

I'm just now coming to grips with it. I thought feeling edgy, nervous and not sleeping was just part of being an adult.

Its not.

I've dealt with ot on my own, so it can be done. But I don't recommend it. If I had access to professional help way back I would tell my younger self to take it. I can only imagine what I could have accomplished if had.