mulling over 2 of the most difficult decisions to make.

A good number of you have an idea of what I'm going through medically, and I've tried to avoid bringing it directly in order to avoid a downer of a thread, but I'm grappling with an incredibly difficult decision and so I turn to the best and brightest.

Hospice options. In house, where I want to be, with my wife, dogs and familiar sights and smells. But it is much tougher on her. Or a live in hospice where the resources for care providers will be better, and while it may make things easier for swmbo'ed at times, it will involve a commute to visit and will be a crushing blow to my psyche and I won't be able to relate much or have much in common with most other patients due to the generational gap.

I'm hoping that the transition to hospice care is months away, but I've delayed the planning of this aspect of preparation for too long.

If you don't have any idea of what you feel would be best, please do one thing for me, hug a loved one this evening and make plans to do something that you both enjoy together in the next week. Thanks and wage hope.

Is some sort of (occasional?) in-home assistance financially viable?

I can totally see how you would greatly prefer to stay at home.

Someone fairly close to me ended a long life in January exactly as he wanted to: at home. You are 100% correct that it's hugely tough on the family, who end up being primary caregivers as well as simultaneously trying to live their lives today and come to grips with the way things are going to be soon. Honestly? I think you have to leave the final call up to her, because, whatever option you choose, if she doesn't buy in, it's not going to work. That said, I don't know your medical situation, but is a compromise possible? For example, you stay at home until you need XXX level of care (agreed with SWMBO in advance as being beyond her capabilities), at which point you move to the hospice?

For whatever my hope and good wishes are worth, they're yours.

Dunno what you're going through medically. As for the Hospice thing, I would suggest that you be most comfortable. If you are not comfortable with your family taking care of you (and, depending, the "taking care of you" part can get to be pretty difficult on the family and on you) then that would be a good time to consider one of the hospice places. If you are unconscious, and at the end, that's a real good time to be at a hospice place. Discuss this with the family. Let them know that if you are too much for them to handle, that option is there, and they just need to say so. Everyone should keep an open mind about it. The hospice places are very nice. Not like a hospital, which just suck.

We just went through this with my grandmother in February. She stayed at home to the end. It was more work for everyone but it made here time much happier so we didn't mind. Hospice was very good about making sure we had whatever she needed at the house.

Been down this road a number of times in my family, as well friends. Almost without exception, off-site hospice care was the better choice. The family has breathing room, the patient gets better care.

Having no experience myself, I think I'd much rather myself or my family member be at home. Workload and life changes be damned.

Captain, sir ... I think I realized the severity of your situation from your post in the recent Adrian Thompson thread. I am very, very sorry to hear this. But to address your specific question, this is about you, and if you will be more comfortable at home, that's where you should be. Your family will have help from hospice. And I think your family will be honored to be able to help as much as they can during this time. Hang in there, man. You have a lot of respect and admiration from this forum family too. Our topics are trivial compared to what you're facing, but stay with us. You have our total support and we'll do everything to make it easier for you.

And for anybody reading this, heed what the Captain has said. Tell the people you love that you love them. This is not trite.

I don't know what your going through but it sounds tough. I'm sending all the good thoughts I can your way.

My dad passed in 1998. He had a massive heart attack and kidney failure. The doctors gave him two to three months to live in January. He spent the first couple months in the hospital and then said if he was going to die he was going to die at home. I moved back home to help mom take care of him. We did the dialysis treatments three times a day and took the best care of him that we could. In early October he finally allowed us to get a hospital bed brought in. His mind was starting to slip and he passed about five days later. I'm not going to lie, it was the hardest thing I've ever been through. And at 19 I lost my dad way too early. But, I hated the hospital and preferred to have him home.

I'm sorry for what you are going through. For me I'd want to be home with family and pets if at all possible.

Captain, you have my utmost respect for facing your problems head on and still trying to care for those around you. That said it's your life from beginning to end and you need to do what is best for you. If at home care is what is going to ease your mind and be the most comfortable then I suggest you do that.

I had no idea things were this serious, you're issues make our petty daily gripes pale by comparison and if you need someone to vent to or more please just reach out. My GF is a hospice CNA and is very knowledgable about these matters.

Stay strong dude!

Captain, my neighbour died at home a few years ago.His wife and two kids (late teens) were there, as well as a daily visit from hospice staff. They had a hospital bed for him in the living room as he was unable to go up the stairs.The three of them were his primary caregivers. While it was hard on all of them, none of them would have had him go to hospital. My wife and I were called over to witness his will three days before he passed away.We found that simple request to be very emotional. I mean ,what do you say to someone who knows the timeline for the rest of their life? I find it difficult to even imagine what you and your family are going through, but my thoughts are with you.Do whatever you and yours are most comfortable with.

In reply to captdownshift:

In my own awkward way I am sending thoughts of peace and strength your way. I can not add a lot except to note that not all hospice programs are the same. Find one you and yours are comfortable with. Peace.

In reply to captdownshift:

My stepmom passed away recently- in-home hospice. So I have some opinions, but I asked my wife her opinion first.

She didn't hesitate for a moment- in-home. No question. This will be hard on your wife no matter what happens, and being away from home just means she has all the worry plus the stress of being away- more trips to the facility, concern for you without interaction with you, and heaven forbid something should happen to you when she is not there- she'd bear a lot of guilt. She also can't get any of her regular routines done when she is sitting with you in the facility. She can get away when she needs to, but doesn't have to make an effort to be with you when she needs to.

Having watched my Dad go through it, I agree. Hospice is exceptionally good at what they do, and the primary thing they do is care for the caregivers. They didn't add stress, they relieved it. My Dad spent a lot of time struggling with azzhatt doctors, procedures, insurance, and medical facilities, but Hospice was the one thing that went really well. She passed away in comfort, and he was grieved, but also in comfort. At home.

He was there when she left, and he kissed her goodbye.

I know you are trying to be a strong provider and relieve her of what you can, but this one is not on you. It really should be her decision. Don't take it from her.

Be blessed and comforted, man. I'm really sorry for what you are going through.

Considering the care my wife gave me after prostate surgery, Id be better off at hospice.

I'd rather be at home.

In reply to captdownshift:

Just noticed your avatar- .

BTW- the way I asked my wife was to put myself in your shoes. I asked her what she would want if I needed Hospice.

The confidence and resolve of her response helped me feel better about the decision if I am ever in your position. I won't worry about it- I know her heart and her desires. The decision will be much easier.

Hopefully, if you ask her, you will get a similarly confident response. Maybe that will help you too.

I'm not sure what sort of medical issues you're dealing with either. The first thing I did upon opening this thread was click on your avatar and check your location and age after the hospice "generation gap" comment.

Holy E36 M3, we're the same age! I can't imagine dealing with what I assume you're going through at this point in my life.

I wish you the best of luck and peace in whichever option you decide to go with. Stay in touch.

I have no idea what I would do in your shoes, but talking with your family sounds like the best course.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

It sounds like you'd like to be at home, as would I. I think RBS said, this is a decision that you can come to with your family, together. I'm sure they want to part of that.

I'm definitely hugging my loved ones today. Thanks for letting us know.

The_Jed wrote: I'm not sure what sort of medical issues you're dealing with either. The first thing I did upon opening this thread was click on your avatar and check your location and age after the hospice "generation gap" comment. Holy E36 M3, we're the same age! I can't imagine dealing with what I assume you're going through at this point in my life. I wish you the best of luck and peace in whichever option you decide to go with. Stay in touch.

I noticed that too. I'm only a couple of years older.

Captdownshift - I remember some posts about shoulder surgery awhile back, then some additional surgeries, then some of the more somber posts. I'm guessing they found something during one of the surgeries. Again, very sorry to hear this and you're in our thoughts and prayers.

There are other options to health care, depending.

Consult your local health care dept. or what ever.

Hospice is generally short term. There are long term care options.

What ever you find I hope it works out for you and your loved ones.

Peace be with you.

I don't know your condition, but my grandfather stayed at home until my grandmother just couldn't handle it any longer. Stealthtercel has a good idea, talk to swmbo about what her limit is, and stay home until she reaches the limit. Going straight to Hospice makes it so you're not living YOUR life, so stay home where you're happy as long as you can.

I'm sorry this thread is one you have to make. That sucks.
We lost two grandfathers in the last year. Both of them were at a hospice facility in the last week, it in both cases their level of care (and pain management) was beyond what the family could provide at home.
A lot of people are in the "do what's best for YOU" camp, but the other side of that coin is the people you leave behind are going to be dealing with your death a lot longer than you will. Finding a solution where loved ones can be the happiest and deal with grief the best is something to think about.

I just looked at your profile, and it says that you're not even middle-aged. Why do bad things have to happen to good people?