My princess is gone

Wally (Forum Supporter) said:

In reply to dean1484 :

I'm a pretty big mess most of the time, I'm just trying doing a pretty good job of pretending to function.

"Fake it till you make it" is always thrown around like it isn't the lifeline we need sometimes. 

We're here for you.

Floating Doc (Forum Supporter) said:

We're here for you.

This. Also, know that  you don't have to fake it here. This is family, and we take each other as we really are. (Yeah, sometimes we call each other out, too. I don't always enjoy that, but I do appreciate it.)

Margie

Nothing of substance to add, but sending all the positive support vibes I can your way. 

Thank You everyone, I don't know what I was expecting but last night and today were rough. I read and reread the report, googled things I didn't understand, and relived the last few weeks we had together. I can't help but think I missed something that could have prevented this and looking back on some conversations we had wonder if she suspected this was coming. I remember a few times Jodi asked if I thought she had given up and seeming bothered. I hope I had convinced her that I never thought that.  She was the toughest, most determined person I know. I just wish she hadn't been through so many struggles as they all seemed to take a pretty hard toll on her.

Wally, I haven't lost a spouse, but I've seen my share of people home. You probably weren't perfect. Nobody is. She certainly knew you were doing your best, and that any imperfections in your very human reactions and knowledge did not change the outcome. Give yourself the permission and understanding she would want you to have:

You did your best, you loved entirely, and your actions did not cause her to leave. If anything, I am sure she stayed for you, and that is just a consequence of love. Do not beat yourself up for that.. We come here alone, we leave separately. In between is life and doing our best.

Margie

edit: this all sounds like crap, sorry. Just... sending hugs.

In reply to Marjorie Suddard :

I mostly just hate thinking she was probably feeling a lot worse than she was letting on and sucking it up to not be a problem rather than her help. Jodi could be stubborn like that if she thought frequent doctor visits were going to inconvenience me too much no matter what I said to her. I don't know if this is what happened for sure but looking back at things I wouldn't be surprised.

Wally. It is ok. You are ok. These are the feelings that you are going to have. It tells me your love was immeasurable. The best people always ask what more can I do.  I want to fly down and shake you by the shoulders and say smarten up and at the same time give you a big hug and agree with you. 

In reply to Wally (Forum Supporter) :

While certainly not the same level of grief you're experiencing, I lost my father unexpectedly in 1995 at 58 years old. In retrospect I probably should have felt more guilty for not checking on him that morning, even though things didn't seem right. But fortunately(?) I just figured there's nothing I could have done to prevent the inevitable anyway. 
 

I also remember feeling like the grief would never end, and wondering if life would ever return to some semblance of "normal". The grief does taper off over time, and while I can't pinpoint the moment in the past where I stopped feeling pain over his loss, that time did eventually come. "Normal" also returns, but in a new form, although it will feel like a natural growth when you've reached that time. 

It sucks, and it sucks worse that the best thing you can do now is continue trying to live, and get out of the house to do things as mentioned previously, despite that being the last thing you actually want to do. However, there will be a day when your memories revolve around all the good moments, and even the memory of her passing won't bring the anguish it does now. 

It's okay to not be okay.

I'll echo getting out of the house and doing things, and acknowledge that it's one of the most difficult things to do. You're used to doing things with someone to enjoy them together. It's weird and different to go and do them alone, merely for your own enjoyment and gratification. You'll almost feel guilty for doing so and push off or not do things as nobody else will be negatively impacted or disappointed by it. Don't, hold yourself accountable to yourself. 

I'm ironing out some things on the escort to have it autocross ready within the next 4-8 weeks. You're welcome to run it at anytime. 

I'm at a loss, but here goes.  Over the years of being here, I can tell (and most obviously) how much you loved her. Do not let your that part of your grief twist the truth into guilt, but as others have said, "it's okay to be a mess". Collectively and individually we're here for you.

I've been trying to get out and do things and for the most part it's awkward at best. Most people seem to be trying hard to make sure I'm happy or not bring up certain topics and that can get exhausting. About the closest to normal I have gotten is the daily clusterberkeley of work. 

In reply to Wally (Forum Supporter) :

Losing loved ones is something you do not understand until you have experienced that kind of loss. Sometimes, it's okay to tell people you don't really want to be "happy" right now. Healing takes time, and it follows its own schedule. Serving in Iraq, I lost several very dear brothers. It still hurts, 13 years later. All I can tell you is that eventually, you'll start to recover. The pain never really goes away, you just learn to accept it as a part of yourself. 
 

Please, don't hesitate to reach out if you feel like talking. Two zero 8 nine six 9 zero 9 zero zero

-John

I'm very sorry for you, Just wordless. 

Hey Wally,

You know what?  You're a good dude.  Your wife knew there was nobody else on this earth who cared as much about her as you.  You lived up to the code.

Jerry

I made it through a year.  I'm not sure if that's good or bad, but it's where I am. Most of the year I've just kind of been here.  I get up everyday and go through all the motions of being ok but most days I am just on autopilot.  My doctors all say it's somewhat normal but it's still frustrating.  I stay busy which helps keep my mind occupied so I don't keep beating myself up, I suppose that's a good thing.
 

One somewhat positive thing to come out of this is that I've met some really good people. I've been pretty lost this year and I ended up making friends in a similar situation that if they can't help at least sympathize and listen to all the E36 M3 I don't know what to do with. 
 

Probably the most frustrating thing now is that I'm really not the person I was a year ago.  I stay busy but I enjoy little of it and I'm struggling with the idea that I'll probably never really be happy again. I'm getting help with that but they can only do so much.  
 

Thank you all for checking in on me, I really appreciate it even if I don't always answer right away. 

I have no reason to come to NYC but I just want to come to give you a big hug!  Even more, I'd really consider the trip a success if I could give you a big laugh!  

In reply to Wally (Forum Supporter) :

You lost a cornerstone of your existence.  No matter how quickly your relationship developed, it took many years with Jodi to make that happen.  It won't go away in a year, either.  That part of your life won't ever disappear, but the rest of your life will adapt to the loss.  That takes time, and effort, but sometimes it takes not making the effort, too, and just letting it be what it is.  There are wrong ways to grieve, but there is no right way, so it will never be a linear thing.

You are right, you will never be the same person again.  But I think you will be happy again.  The first step is staying busy, as you have been, and the second step is getting help, which you also have been.  So now the journey becomes one of just repeating those first two steps and after a while you will find that at some point, without really noticing it, you've stepped off the treadmill and made your way down the road a bit.

All our love, man.

No one can sense what you're feeling.  Just know that there are people that truly care for you!  Just keep your head above water, time should help heal.  Grab the good memories, and hold on to them.  My thoughts are with you, as well as others around here.

Wally (Forum Supporter) said:

Probably the most frustrating thing now is that I'm really not the person I was a year ago. 

I know this is frustrating to you, but I'm betting if you look back, this is true every year of your life so far. 'A little bit better every day' is a better focus than comparing to 'could be' or 'should be' or 'have been'.

I will emphasize that you've been making me laugh with various memes and jokes this whole time! 

Remember to treat yourself like someone you care about.

You are my brother. For all time.

Today would have been my parents 46th wedding anniversary. We lost my mom, 13 years ago (berkeley cancer!). Like you, my mom was my dad's rock.  He goes through rough patches but finds things to keep him busy and make him happy. I went through a couple rough years as well and even now something will remind me and I'll need a moment.  It's normal. It takes time to heal. I'm sure you've heard it all before.  Others have gone through similar and have gotten back to normal in a while. Keep getting help. Keep talking. Keep finding joy in little things. Like weight savings in a racecar, the little things add up to a bigger result. You'll be different, sure, but you'll still be you. Your GRM family has your back. 

This is just awful but you will get thru it.  The virtual GRM family is here for you.

Damn dude... I'm so sorry to hear this. All the love man.

Dang...