Things NOT to say when being pulled over

So, I got nailed for 15 over in the Legacy last night. Stupid me. Ironically got pulled over in front of the exact same bar (and in the same car) that my roommate got pulled over at one week prior, to the day. I was along for that adventure as well.

Anyways, he intended to write me up for improper plate display and the speeding, but their computer system was down. He asked me what I thought gave me the right to drive so fast, etc etc. This is where I opened my big fat mouth and said "Well, I HAVE held an SCCA competition license for 3 years...."

The constable was not too thrilled by my 'crappy attitude'. Tickets will be in the mail. Oooooops!

Anyone else firmly planted their foot in their mouth during a traffic stop? I'm still kicking my own ass for being such an idiot.

That was definitely not your best decision

I would have said, "Well, it IS my road, just pull up the corner there and you will see my name on the underside."

Say you had the runs

It might get you a sympathetic warning from an officer with IBS

Excellent! Never saw a "Silverado" reference on here before.

I think it is a good idea not to say:

"I'm not as think as you drunk I am occifer"

never, never say "took ya long enough to catch me!" doesnt go over real well

"You're not gonna check the trunk, are you?"

Never say to a female officer on her first night "on the beat alone":

"I've never been pulled over by a Dickless Tracy before."

I was in the paddy wagon 10 minutes later.

Cop: So is there a reason for your speed tonight?

S-D Uhhh, well.... yessir. I'm later for work, it's very important.

Cop: What sort of work do you do son?

S-D I'm a rectum stretcher.

Cop: Sorry, what?

S-D Well, ya see, you start with a pinky finger and move up to something a tad bigger, then maybe two. Once you get it started it's easy, next thing you know there's a 6 foot rectum.

Cop And what does one do with a 6 ft. rectum?

S-D So far they've put a hat on it a gave it a badge.

Oh C'mon, jail ain't that bad.

I've had two perfect opportunities to display my wit to cops. Fortunately in both cases I opted to play it straight.

• 1st case: Pulled over for 55 through a fly-through toll booth back when the EZ Tags first came out and the limit was still 35. Cop was on my bumper 1mi before the booth and would have been in my trunk had I slowed to 35.

Officer: I pulled you over for going 55 through the toll booth.

Me:

Officer: You know that when you got your EZ Tag you signed an agreement to slow down to 35.

Me (in my dreams): So, you pulled me over for breach of contract?

Me (in reality): Its a company car. I didn't do the paperwork.

Officer: I'll give you a warning, then.

• 2nd Case: Pulled over in a small town speed trap.

Officer: What do you do for a living in Houston?

Me: I'm an attorney.

Officer: What kind of law do you practice?

What I should've said: I defend cop killers, usually successfully.

What I actually said: I'm a patent attorney.

Got a ticket on that one.

1) I pointed out that the cop had a tail light out. Still got the ticket.

2) Another time (not so long ago), after rounding a corner and suddenly finding a construction crew, a cop waved me to a stop as I crawled past and said with a smile, "I know it's a Porsche, but you've gotta slow down. Have a good day."

I apologized, told him I'd be more careful and, as I pulled away, I said, "It's Por-sche".

I was following my brother on his motorcycle (what is now my Buell) in my Miata last summer through some nice roads up here in the mountains. He decided to open it up on a straightaway and I thought that I'd better chase him or else I'd lose him (and I wanted to open her up). Just as I hit the top of third gear (he was over 100 apparently) we blew past a cluster of cars moving in the opposite direction. One of them was a cop.

He pulled both of us over two miles later. First he talked to my brother. After a minute or two, both of them came back to me (my brother was grinning).

Cop: Did you think you could catch a bike in THAT?

Me: Um, well, I was just trying to keep up.

Cop: I should have guessed that you were brothers. I had your brother down for 95 in a 55. You guys were moving. Actually, I just pulled you over to see if I could catch you both. You guys should slow it down up here. Do you know how fast you were going back there?

Me: (Looking at cop and pointing at speedometer) Well, officer, my speedometer only goes to 140, so....

Long story short, he likes Buells and was talking to my brother (almost immediately) about how he was looking for one soon. We got off with a stern reminder not to drive that fast. No citations, tickets, or written warnings. Needless to say, we kept the speed down from that point on.

I don't know why he didn't write both of us up. I am thankful that he didn't.

On my first ticket, when asked how fast was I going I wasn't sure so my reply was "Fast enough to get your attention". Smokey's don't have a sense of humor...

Billy Sed: Q: Do you know how fast you were going? A: Yes. Q: Do you know the reason I stopped you? A: No.

And Billy, what happened to: Q: What do you do for a living in Houston? A: Am I free to go?

I did get a ticket for 74 in a 70. Ya'll are going, wtf mate that's lame. I don't recollect the exact conversation with the officer, but I did tell him at some juncture to hurry up.

A fellow GRM subscriber and my codriver has better stories...

A few years back, he had just got his 1g-MR2 out of storage and was on a spirited drive. He says he sees this white SUV going really slow, and he thinks blasted just a couple of more corners before I am back in city limits. So at the next passing zone he guns it and passes the white SUV, he recalls as he is passing the SUV that it has these strange letters on the back... S H E R I F F. Officer comes up and ask him "Do you always drive like that?" Roy says, "Yes, but usually you aren't around."

Now, how many of you have berated an officer and not been hauled to jail? Oh Roy has, so Roy's parents live in rurual WV and you really can't drive those roads at any rate of speed without killing your car. So Roy is driving home in his Audi and passes the local sheriff's house, Mr. Sheriff used to be an officer down in Fl but had lost his sense of sanity after one too many drug busts or so the story goes. Next thing you know lights flashing and Mr. Sheriff is chasing after Roy. Roy is no more than 100 yards from his house, he stops gets out and walks up to Mr. Sheriff and says "Do you have any blasted idea how fast you were driving, are you trying to get us killed?" Roy's dad is at home and hears a commotion, he walks out looks and says "Hey Roy's home."

Got pulled over for 85 in a 65 in my Pinto powered Spitfire. The cop who pulled me over said 'Nice Spitfire. I have a TR3.' My mouth fell open and I heard my voice say 'I always thought those were sorta ugly'.

(I've changed my mind since then so hold the hate mail!)

In reply to Dr. Hess:

I was much younger and more naive. That was also the incident that convinced me what I'd learned in Criminal Procedure (am I free to leave) was the way to go. That @$$hole wrote me up for 5mph faster than I was going. (I still managed to get it dismissed, though.)

A few years ago, I had a Honda CBX. 1200cc, straight transverse 6. Crotch rocket. I had gone to the convenience store for the GF, on the way back I opened it up. Gawd, that bike sounded good!! Anyway, about a mile from her house I was going a good 140 when a cop passed me going the other way. I saw him turn around and hit the lights. I continued to GF's house and he pulled in behind me as I pulled my helmet off. He said " Damn, I was hoping for some long haired punk and I get GRANDPA?" Turned around, got in his car and drove away.

SlickDizzy wrote: This is where I opened my big fat mouth and said "Well, I HAVE held an SCCA competition license for 3 years...."

Sadly age is a factor. A friend of mine (RE of our local SCCA region) found himself in an impromptu race on a 3 lane highway, his turbo volvo, a BMW and a Mercedes. Well a friendly officer pulled all 3 of them and in succession, ticketed the Bimmer, Ticketed the Benz, then when he sent them on his way he went to my friend. Pointed at the SCCA sticker in his window and said "prove it". He pulled out his comp licensed and the officer said "keep it on the track next time" and sent him on his way.

was on my way to church last weekend ( with 85yo mom) as we approached "downtown" Black Mountain (notorious for their speed traps & lack of sense of humor) where the speed limit drops to 25 mph from 45... I was coasting down the hill slowly reducing my speed from ~ 50 - 55 towards an approximation of the required 25 I spotted a city cop in an abandoned strip mall facing my direction... as my brain processed the trouble I was in and realized my Valentine 1 wasn't plugged in... the cop flashed his head lights and roof rack lights .... I was on the brakes ... flashed my headlights back at him and waved a thank you, and continued on the trip.... first time I've ever heard of a Black Mountain cop not giving a ticked when they could...

OK, thug stop story. My wife and I were in our 220D with Dusty, the dog. It was night and we were heading to a restaurant or taco hell or whatever, traveling through League City (notorious speed trap, bested only by Webster), TX. We get pulled over. Now, I believe it is virtually impossible to speed in a 220D. I'd had a couple beers but was certainly well under the limit. However, you know how they can screw with you. I roll down the window.

"Sir, were you a-ware that your left tail light is not as bright as your right tail light?"

About this time, Dusty, 5/8ths Pit Bull, 1/4 Rhodesian Ridgeback, the rest Doberman, (she looked like a Pit Bull with a big ridge), 60 lbs of pure muscle and teeth who was in the back seat, moseyed between the front seats over the console and sat in my lap, looking out the window at the thug, err, cop. 4/8ths of that 5/8ths Pit Bull was not the "oh they're all real nice doggies and will lick you to death" but of the "ZOMG, THAT DOG IS berkeleying CRAZY" Pit Bulls like you see on TV when they do the shock stories. In fact, most of her relatives were killed for being insane. Let's just say "fringes of the outlaw biker community" and leave it at that. Real sweet dog, though, and only bit people that moved too fast or she was pissed off at. Anyway, Dusty moves into the front seat area and sits in my lap, sticking her head out the window as the thug, err, cop comes back up to the car. 'Tudes changed a bit at that point. Didn't want me to get out of the car, didn't really care about the traffic stop anymore. I said: "Oh, thank you, officer. I'll be sure to look into that as soon as I get home. It's probably a ground." "Uh, yeah, OK, you do that."

A friend of mine told me a story once about getting pulled over in a Mazda GLC. I don't remember the whole story, but I do remember that when he was asked how fast he was going, his reply was, "H", as he pointed at the MPH at the bottom of the speedometer.

"Didn't I date your sex crazed sister?"

"You sorta look like Tackelbury."

"My gun is bigger than yours."

None of which will do you any good in a traffic stop

"My gun is bigger than yours." Around here, you will start to quickly leak from new apertures with a comment like that.