What would you do if you had asked someone for forgiveness for something you said that was wrong out of character for you and they said "I guess so"?
What would you do if you had asked someone for forgiveness for something you said that was wrong out of character for you and they said "I guess so"?
Depends. If somebody, in todays society, said to me, "I ask for your forgiveness.", I would look to see where the time machine was, and may say something odd... If they said to me, "Sorry for being a Dick." I'd say "No problem."
In my opinion forgiveness comes from proving the behavior was an exception from your normal behavior, not asking for it. That and a honest apology. Asking forgiveness feels more like a demand than a sincere apology. Kind of a "Hey, I f'ed up, quit being an shiny happy person and forgive me."
You asked for forgiveness. That is the end of your responsibility.
He has no obligation to give it to you.
Move on.
Side note: Saying "I'm sorry" is NOT the same thing as asking for forgiveness.
"I am sorry" retains control. It is a statement. It is a position of power. You say something and, allegedly, the situation is fixed (as if you have the power to fix it). It asks nothing of the other person, and even passes the blame to the other guy. It gives you the ability to say, "I said I'm sorry. What the heck is your problem?"
Asking for forgiveness is tremendously risky. You have to be vulnerable, and give control of the situation to someone else. You have to be humble, and they can hurt you. You are asking for something, and it is their choice whether they give it or not.
"I'm sorry" is cheap and without meaning. "Can you forgive me" is costly, but can lead to great things.
You took the higher plane. Now, all you can do is be patient.
But trust me, good stuff can come from your patience.
I disagree Paul. Unless you are dealing with an exceptionally strong personality they will say they forgive you no matter what they really feel. It is a challenge to the person being asked where they either have to confront you and your behaviour or accept it. Asking forgiveness also implies a need for an instant reply. Saying you are sorry with sincerity does not require anything of them and gives them the choice of what to do with your apology. If they choose to walk away from their association with you they can do it without having to have a conflict with you. If they choose to accept your apology they can do it on the spot or take their time to make the decision and do it later.
You might have just put them on the spot, and they felt like they had to reply, and rather than say no, I guess so came out. Give them time, be cool, and they will either see over time that it truly was an out of character remark for you and get over it, or they won't.
Since you can't change other people, you can only change yourself, I would say if it really bothers you, examine what happened in your day to cause you to step out of character, and be more aware when you are in that kind of situation again. That's really all you CAN do.
In reply to MrJoshua:
Yes, so I see we disagree.
But I really don't think you are describing a problem with asking for forgiveness, but rather the technique in which people ask for forgiveness.
If I say, "FORGIVE ME!", It's a demand, and thoroughly inappropriate. But that's not asking for anything.
If I say, "I really screwed up. I understand that I have hurt you, and I am not sure I can ever make it right. I really wish I could fix it, because you are really important to me. I know this might take time, but can you forgive me for what I have done?", then it is a little different.
I've done it. It is really uncomfortable when someone tells me they are not sure if they can forgive me. Especially when it is someone I love.
Patience is humbling.
BTW, I completely disagree on the "strong personality" thing.
I've done it with young children, who have easily been able to stand up to me.
It's not about their ability to be strong enough to resist me, it's about the strength and honesty of my confession. If I am honestly and genuinely ASKING for something from them, then I can't coerce a response I like.
My children know I make mistakes, and that they are more important to me than my own pride or stubbornness.
novaderrik wrote: why is being forgiven so important to some people?
Outside of a few key people, I could not care less about what most people think.
Pin them down and demand forgiveness. If they don't get it, put his/her hands under your knees while you sit on his/her chest. Then let a loooong line is spit slowly drip from your mouth, right towards his/her face. Just before the goober touches his/her face, he/she WILL give in.
That or a pink-belly.
Or an atomic wedgie.
I just thought of another possibility- Does the guy you apologized to know he had been offended? Maybe he had no idea what you were sorry for...
Just saying I'm sorry, that is weak sauce.
To acknowledge a misdeed and take responsibility (own it) unprovoked. Shows honor and true concern.
If someone wants to hang on to it and be butt hurt, that is their bucket of do doo.
If the deed was substantially wrong, perhaps some kind of remediation is in order.
What would happen if you never asked? They forget it in a week, you are Persona non Grata for eternity? God forbid the Klingon shunning!
Move along, you'll probably get grey hair eventually; not of this.
You didn't give us the key piece of information, is this a man or woman?
If its a man, and he hasn't punched you yet, you're cool. Forget about it.
If its a woman, it doesn't really matter. She still gets to bring it up three years later, even if she said she forgave you. I don't know why, those are just the rules. <--Since tone never comes through on the innanets, this is a joke.
All kidding aside, you've done what you can. If you were humble, sincere and did everything you can to make it right, and the other person can't bring it upon themselves to forgive, its going to be their burden, nor yours. If, in retrospect, you may not have approached it right or you did some damage (perhaps to their reputation) that you haven't repaired, try again. One of those issues may be why you don't feel like its settled.
Asking for forgiveness only shows your admission of wrong doing. It does not entitle/require/absolve you of the wrong doing.
You have made a gesture of a change of heart and good will.
Forgiveness from the other person is 100% their choice.
My advice drop it and move on. Don't push it or dwell on it and NEVER EVER do that again. Repeating the offense, even with a different party, shows you were not sincere in your apology.
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