Ok we're back on this case!
first thing I got a new battery and performed my first mod:

the little battery maintenance dongle.
then it was time to add some MMO to the chambers and see what happens.

I pulled the "circuit opening" (fuel pump control) relay and the main efi relay to make sure there was no fuel and no spark, and I cranked the engine for a bit to see if I got oil pressure. I did, so it was time to plug the relays back in...
woohoo!
now, I got lots of smoke probably because of the MMO, but critically, I didn't smell any hints of coolant. Which is another good sign.
i also took this photo while it was idling and I don't see any bubbles, which is really starting to point to a working seal between the combustion chambers and the cooling system. 
Fortunately, as it idled it started to get less smoky. Unfortunately, as it idled it also started to get really rough and uneven, and now it doesn't want to start and idle at all, boo.
i did go ahead and pump out all the old gas, and then I refilled 3 gallons of fresh new with some seafoam for extra lubrication for now. I did this by removing the return line at the tank and letting the fuel pump push all the fuel out. Then I ran it some more after I put the new gas back in, so theoretically the lines are flushed with fresh gas too.

while I was doing that, I saw that a bolt was missing from one of the protective undercovers.

then I noticed that it was just missing, it had been broken off. Ok, so I'll drill it out. Wait a minute... someone already started...

to be fair, I know exactly how whoever did this felt when this happened. And therefore I don't fault them for calling "this will have to be good enough for now". Haha. I did end up fixing it, but not before making it worse by breaking off the tip of a screw extractor in the hole. GRRRR! Finally just used a small carbide burr in a dremel to make a hole and then rethreaded with a tap. There's an hour or so lost but it's fixed at least.

Because I'm now diagnosing a no-start, I had my beautiful wife help me do a "unofficial" compression check.
so now where I'm at is I'd like to get the engine running well enough to either say it's good and I'm ready to fix smaller issues, or, it's truly skunked and needs to be replaced as a whole. to do that, I think my next step is checking fuel pressure. I'm thinking the engine ran ok with the mmo functioning as extra fuel in the chambers, and therefore as it burned off the injectors weren't able to keep up. So fuel pressure is next.
current "small" issues I'm aware of but not fixing immediately until I can prove the engine is fundamentally good:
- water pump weep hole is definitely leaking. Water pump needs to be replaced.
- oil filter pedestal is leaking significantly, needs new o-rings.
- oil metering pump is leaking oil, new seals and o-rings may fix this as well.
- i already broke one super-hardened vacuum line. They really should all be replaced.