Almost directly on the heels of the issue we had previously (engine speed mismatch CEL, ended up being a torque converter I swapped in my driveway, but I also whiffed and replaced the transmission solenoid pack first, which was way more expensive than the converter, but took about two hours less of my time) we have a new issue.
It may not be all that new. A long time ago, measured in years, we had a no-start, no-crank which acted all wonky. It wouldn't give the key back, relays clicked and clacked, generally lots of weird things happened that were not :: crankacrankavroomvroom :: I got her to start with a lot of persuasion and a jump pack. I figured the battery must be getting low, I swapped the battery, it did it once more and I figured the new battery wasn't fully charged and it has not happened until this year.
A week after I finished solving the actual problem (torque converter, there was still ATF drying in the driveway), it acted like the starter was dying. It went :: clicka :: instead of ::crankacrankavroomvroom:: It did this a few times, and most times it would start by rolling it through the gears a few times and praying. Only once did it do the wacky "I'm not gonna give your keys back! I'm gonna honk the horn and click random relays!" thing. One of these times was when we woke up in Rhode Island, having but a few hours to be at a super important appointment in Boston. That time, the successful attempt was more of a :crankcrankacrankscraaaanka chugachugachugachugachugavroomvroom:: TunaDad did some research and found a TSB on my car (uhh, I should have mentioned that this was a 2011 Caravan with the unassailable 3.6) where reflashing the WINS module would solve a no-crank, no-start where sometimes the car would act possessed. It also said that it could be temporarily cleared by pulling the M27 fuse and reinserting it.
It did it while I was not around, and Tunakid #1 heroically got the hood open and pulled the fuse and it indeed cleared the condition. She got a :: crankacrankavroomvroom :: and I was super happy to have absolutely confirmed the condition.
Monday we had the dealer to that flash and a few others is applied for (up to four were the same cost). Today it :cachink:: and the second keyturn got a icky sour sounding engine which barely started but cleared up eventually (like the chugachuga from Rhode Island earlier). Of course now it starts every time and everything is fine. (My car is like a misbehaving child. "what? No that wasn't me! Everything is totally fine here. Just go back to normal things...")
The TIPM is basically the only thing left I can imagine which would make things act this intermittently wonky.
I need some help. That's $350 minimum and Tunawife is super unhappy about an unreliable car and a car payment is hanging over my head.