Curtis... you just found out your wife is gay.... where are you gonna go?

curtis73 wrote: Thanks all for the ideas and support. I'm feeling much better today.

That's good news. Fingers crossed...

Good news Curtis, thanks for checking in!

Keep your head up brother. We're here for you.

Curtis, are you still in Pittsburgh? Didnt you just find work earlier this year?

My father in law is a hippie, and he spent some time in Colorado, Boulder IIRC. I love it out there, it is definitely a place to check out.

If you hate NE weather, try New Mexico. Sante Fe, Albuquerque, Taos...all excellent places to live. Great weather, great community, great vibe.

Austin can be a little Cowboy for my tastes, but San Antonio is great. Not sure about the community there, but the weather is not cold.

If you have never been to San Fran, you should go. I know it's cliche' to throw San Fran in there because you mentioned LBGT, but it is so much more than that. I get out there every year because there is so much to see and do. If I had an RV, I'd tour Napa for a month. Then Sonoma for a Month.

AquaHusky wrote: In reply to psteav: You alls dont live too far from me.

Sure don't. I actually grew up in Sedalia, as well. Are you a local or just stationed there with the USAF?

On the topic of the breakup/divorce looming-

I've seen a lot of marriages go south, I've represented people in messy divorces, and I've actually had a friend's end in pretty much this exact manner (it was only eight year or so, not twenty, but she decided she was actually gay and left.)

The guys who are telling you to get a lawyer are correct. The guys who are telling you to get a lawyer and "go after her" are jumping the gun.

I don't know the details, but it is possible for a marriage, even a long-duration one ending in this weird, weird way, to end and the two of you to go your separate ways without the added pain, expense, and sleepless nights involved with a messy divorce. Here's what you should do.

1) Find a lawyer. Talk to more than one. Talk to guys who have a reputation for fighting, talk to guys who have a reputation for settling, but find one that you like and who won't bullE36 M3 you. You will probably have to pay a significant amount, but it will be worth it. After you talk to him, get an idea for what you feel is fair and ask him whether a judge will think along those same lines. Unfortunately, there can be a big disconnect there sometimes. That's why it's important to find a lawyer who can explain, comisserate, and be ready to go to the mat for you. Take his advice on preliminary matters like shielding your assets (different states and different judges view things like putting money in an sole checking account and transferring titles on cars and the like in different ways. Your lawyer will give you the lay of the land here.) The most important things here are to find someone with a reputation for doing what is best for his clients and for communicating with his clients. You want someone who returns phone calls and emails.

2) Keep things civil between you and Mrs. Curtis for now, if things are still civil. Talk about splitting things up with her. Get a feel for what she thinks is fair. DON'T MENTION LAWYERS. There's a 95% chance she will be doing the exact same thing. Try and reach a mutual conclusion that you can live with, and remember that fighting out the divorce could wind up with you paying your lawyer $5-15k and in some states \paying her lawyer too. Always keep that in the back of your mind when you're deciding what you can live with. Mediation can be a very valuable tool here as well.

3a) If you all can reach a mutual decision or get close to one, ask your lawyer to walk you through the process of an uncontested divorce. This is cheap, and as easy as a divorce can get. Dealing with the emotional issues is hard enough without feeling like she's trying to take you to the cleaners...which a contested divorce will feel like. This is the route that will help save your sanity and your wallet if she is willing to be reasonable. If she's not, unfortunately you can't make her, and that's why we have divorce lawyers.

3b If she doesn't want to talk, or doesn't want to be reasonable, NOW get ready to fight.

Good luck, and keep your head up. Your in a bad place now, and it's worse for you than most people getting a divorce because you didn't see it coming. You WILL get through it, but it WILL suck for a while. Keep a friend on speeddial, and consider getting some therapy while you are going through this (every client I've ever had who's gotten therapy during a divorce said that it helped them greatly). I hope things work out for you and the break is as clean and easy as possible.

psteav

My advice to hire a lawyer and go after her was based on the experience of several of my male friends. Those who tried to be nice got cluster berkeleyed by "her" lawyers. Those who played hardball came you better.

Because I have no first hand experience, I will defer to your advice though.

I will echo trying to keep amicable communication with the Mrs. My ex had a lawyer who was telling her I was being a dick and refused to negotiate a settlement. In fact, I was calling said lawyer at least once a week trying set up negotiations. After we went to court for the final judgment and had to work out the settlement in the courthouse just prior, my ex expressed surprise at how reasonable I was given what her lawyer had been telling her.

spitfirebill wrote: psteav My advice to hire a lawyer and go after her was based on the experience of several of my male friends. Those who tried to be nice got cluster berkeleyed by "her" lawyers. Those who played hardball came you better. Because I have no first hand experience, I will defer to your advice though.

Your advice is not bad, and there definitely comes a point to STOP playing nice. However, I always preach this as the first approach. Also, it's important to get an idea of where you stand by talking to a good lawyer FIRST before you try to negotiate. You can't get a good idea of what's fair until you know how you'll come out if you fight.

Geeze Curtis, I just saw this. I am so sorry to hear this man. If you decide to try the Portland/Seattle thing, you can always stop by our hippie house for a visit. Sending positive vibes your way.

Had a ten year relationship go south about....10+ years ago. There were some similarities to your situation.

1. Get some sleep. See your Dr. for some sleepy pills if you can but don't abuse them. Which leads to....

1a. Be careful around mind altering substances for awhile. Some folks rely on that too much during times like this.

1. Stay busy. Call up some folks you haven't talked to in awhile. Get out. Do what you like.

2. Don't chase women...at least not yet. I'd say get your head straight a bit first. You'll be ready soon. Also, dating is tough enough without trying to incorporate any "complications" like thirds or whatever. Once you're ready to date you'll be literally drowning in opportunity. For now, sit back, find your peace, simplify.

3. Take all the happiness you can where you can get it. Soak it up because it may be in short supply for awhile. Be kind to yourself.

4. Talk to a therapist. It really does help to pay someone to listen to your problems and offer some good advice for awhile. When you go in there and you don't have anything to talk about you'll know you're done and can quit the visits. Some employer health plans also offer employee assistance programs (EAP). Use that cash to talk to someone. That's what it's there for.

This too passes. In the future you will be settled, happy, and have a life full of opportunity again. I promise you this. It will happen. You will fall in love again. You will be happy again. Your life will be different and better in ways you can't imagine right now. You've got some peaks and valleys to navigate first. Get ready.

psteav speaks truth. I will add one small piece of advice: if you even get a sniff that she plans to be a hardass, then you need to be one first. Don't be in reactive mode.

This sounds harsh, but in today's climate a man is pretty much on the short end of the stick in any divorce. I have a co worker who came home early, caught his wife with another man while their 2 y/o daughter was watching TV in the den, she ran straight to a hardass lawyer, she got custody even though she was shacked up with the boyfriend (read the average SC custody arrangement to see how crazy that is), he wound up paying his ex over $1k a month in child support and he had to take her to court to be able to keep anything from their marital property.

psteav and Xceler8x both excellent advise, 100% true to my experience

I have no advise to give, but I'm truly sorry to hear that. If you get on the road, stop by Evansville. I'll give you a place to sleep and shower if the RV becomes uncomfortable, and although the city of Evansville is a bit on the conservative side, we do have a pretty good counter-culture scene (a lot of good live music of any genre, art galleries/shows, micro brews, gay bars, etc.).

pinchvalve wrote: My father in law is a hippie, and he spent some time in Colorado, Boulder IIRC. I love it out there, it is definitely a place to check out.

I thought about Boulder, but it loses out pretty badly on the seafood and no-winter requirements. Also the good-ol-boys unless you get out of Boulder itself. It's definitely an interesting place though. Colorado is a bit schizophrenic, and nowhere more so than in a two hour radius around Boulder.

I was just in Chattanooga and it has a hip vibe to it. Very cool place, I liked it.

So let me get this straight you were boning 2 chicks at the same time one being your wife. Now your wife is leaving. Hell why be sad you clearly have skills to talk your wife into letting you live with bone another chick while married. Hell don't be sad say bye bye wife and hone your skills maybe you could get 3 chicks next time or 4. You sir have no reason to be sad.

xd wrote: So let me get this straight you were boning 2 chicks at the same time one being your wife. Now your wife is leaving. Hell why be sad you clearly have skills to talk your wife into letting you live with bone another chick while married. Hell don't be sad say bye bye wife and hone your skills maybe you could get 3 chicks next time or 4. You sir have no reason to be sad.

This is all I have to say.....................

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A939QRRSNV4

xd wrote: So let me get this straight you were boning 2 chicks at the same time one being your wife. Now your wife is leaving. Hell why be sad you clearly have skills to talk your wife into letting you live with bone another chick while married. Hell don't be sad say bye bye wife and hone your skills maybe you could get 3 chicks next time or 4. You sir have no reason to be sad.

This is an interesting perspective. I like it.

Datsun1500 wrote:

What makes you think he talked her into bringing in a 3rd person? From what I know of him (and that's just from here) they both decided to bring a third person into the relationship. Just from his wording of polyamory and not polygamy, it looks like the wife had a relationship with 2 people and one happened to be a woman. There was mutual feelings, and respect, given and expected, from all. She crossed the line of disrespect, and deceit. It's not just "hey you were banging two chicks, high five," there are feelings of betrayal from not just one, but two people that he was in love with, and that has to be a tough path to go down. It sucks to break up with one person, imagine two at the same time. Hang in there Curtis, it will get better at some point. And from what you describe, I'd say Austin, Portland, or Charlotte NC (if you want mild weather)

Really Debbie Downer

XD, you assume that Curtis shares the same desires and priorities that you do. I am fairly certain that is not the case.

That said, some time spent examining alternative perspectives may be very healthy and yours is one it probably wouldn't hurt Curtis to explore some.

This reminds me of how i would feel, getting stuck on the wrong side of the "Torn Between two Lovers" song.

Ithaca NY comes to mind. Park the RV hike around and take in the scenery.

In reply to TRoglodyte:

NY Doesn't quite fit the no winter part, especially out that way.