How would you handle the money?

The mom will give him all the money and it will be gone in short work.  I know you're trying to be a good friend and give good advice, but I'd tread lightly on the advice.  Giving your friend the "tough love" bit may tick her off.  

I would make it contingent on him learning on how the real world works. If he's got no gig, no skills, and no ambition, he's....got a lot of climbing to do. Having a wad of cash and not knowing what to do with it is NOT the path to success- I learned that the hard way at roughly that age. Even now, I'm kind of having to fight this battle with SWMBO's kid- she's 23 and still expects hand holding for everything she doesn't want to do. Fetch me medicine. Take me to target. I don't know how to schedule a doctor. 

It sounds like ol' boy needs to figure out how growing up works. That doesn't mean throw the PC in the trash and everything sucks now. But that does mean things like budgets, what E36 M3 costs, how groceries work, etc. Even if the $$$ isn't tied to it, he's never gonna get his E36 M3 together otherwise. 

SV reX said:

WWGRM do?  

I can tell you what gearheadmb would do, stay the berkeley out of it.

Not a lawyer.  Who will be named in the award of funds?   Maybe since he isn't yet 21 it could be put into a trust with some sort of controls.

We have a few cases like this in our area... it doesn't get better.  

Purple Frog (Forum Supporter) said:

Not a lawyer.  Who will be named in the award of funds?   Maybe since he isn't yet 21 it could be put into a trust with some sort of controls.

 

This was going to be my response, and it doesn't come across as too tough-lovey. My wife and I set up our will so our daughters will get something like three payouts of life insurance over ten years if we pass before they hit their twenties. If they blow the first round, maybe they'll learn by the second or third. 

I would take the unwise approach.

Let him have it all, and cut him off entirely at the same time.

Hungry? You know where the grocery store is

Bored? Call and get your own cable/internet/ whatever setup.

Rent is due on the first.

When it's gone it's gone, better learn how to do something for money. Edit videos, SQL or JAVA, get a 3d printer/vinyl cutter/desktop cnc and get an estore going. 

In reply to Purple Frog (Forum Supporter) :

It probably doesn't matter. Even if he is awarded the money, she manages his bank account. So she could easily transfer the money to an account that was harder to get to. 
 

I like the trust idea. 

"Stay the berkeley out of it" is excellent advice, but it's not gonna happen. Let's just say I am closer to the situation than I wanna be, and don't want to share more details.

Who is the check going to be made out to? She may not have any choice in where the money goes. 

Sounds like a legal adult (him) will get the settlement, so what you or his mother thinks probably doesn't matter. I'm not sure how she's (legally) related to the case. But I'm also not a lawyer.

In college, I had a professor suggest, in situations like this, tying the trust fund payments to their taxable income. Something like "The recipient can withdraw up to 75% of the value stated on their prior year W-2." That way, they get nothing if they don't get a job, and they get everything if they earn a real living. But again, I'm not a lawyer and it's probably best to stay out of it. 

In reply to RevRico :

You make a good point about the unwise approach. I kinda like it. There isn't any reason why the hand holding should continue. 
 

But I also feel like it's just kicking the can down the road. At some point the money will be gone, and she will still have to evict him. 

In reply to Toyman and Tom Suddard :

As noted above, she manages his bank account. Makes no difference who the check is payable to. She will still have access. 

In reply to Tom Suddard :

Interesting approach. I like that. 

I've wondered about this in my "Can't sleep so I'm playing Powerball scenarios in my head" hours.

Here's what I came up with as a plan for my daughters:

All the money goes in an interest-bearing investment trust.

A fixed amount can be withdrawn every month, if the trustee holds a job with at least 32 hours per week on the clock.  In other words. "The Lord helps those who help themselves."

Depending on the size of the trust, that amount may include principal or may not.  If it does, it has to be metered out to last a reasonable time.

Good luck.  You'll need it.

[edit]  Looks like Tom posted a similar idea between page refreshes.

[edit 2]  We also had a provision in our will that trust money could be used for tuition and living expenses while actively enrolled in classes toward a degree program or technical certificate of some kind.

If its my problem to solve, I'm with MNDSM and Rivco.

Guy needs to learn real world.  If the parent takes all the work on themself, whats the kids motivation?

• Rent / living agreement - if you are going to live here, here is what it costs, payment due on the 1st of every month.  (nonpayment results in changing of internet password and shutdown of phone)
• Deal with your own business - after this settlement gets done, the business of your personal bills/etc is ON YOU.
• Long term planning- there are TERMS to the agreement and one of them is LENGTH of the agreement. You need to have a plan for when it sunsets
• Tough love - the written agreement with a length allows eviction proceedings to commence at expiration of the agreement, so lets get that plan rolling today so you have time and support to enact it. If you dont, the homeless shelter is over there -> (read this as sometimes people need a rock bottom to WAKE UP)

My kids may be young, but the plan is that the above starts getting phased in when they graduate highschool with full enaction when they graduate college. I'm not a monster, a valid plan for the future that needs support to be realized would get due consideration, e.g. college, working to establish funding to get an apartment, etc. 

That said, if its not your problem, do you really want to take it on?

In reply to Apexcarver :

It IS my problem. I'm in the middle of it whether I like it or not. 

In reply to SV reX :

I hear you.

I think the best discussion is that the kid needs motivation to improve himself and that the money, to the extent control can be exerted, needs to go to improving to make a future. (career, etc)

Talk about what motivation can be provided.  Tough love. 

Based on what has been posted by Paul- I would work on getting out of the situation.

If mom is taking car of the kid without any input, then I see no realistic suggestion where "tough love" or even moderating the income is going to happen.  Mom is going to keep doing the exact same thing.  And when the money runs out, mom will continue to take care of the kid.

So for my personal sanity, I, personally, would find a way to get out of the situation and walk away, permanently.  I can't see any path that would get the kid out in the real world that would happen.  I get that people want to support people, but when the person you are supporting is doing the opposite of what needs to happen, how does that affect you and your support?  

Not a lot to add to good (and consistent) advice here, except: what is the kid's attitude?
Is he just ignorant? Too coddled for years? Scared? High anxiety, as is common today? Lazy? Exploitative?

Could he actually learn to do this or will he need to be spoonfed for decades/life?

You'll know his attitude best, but that seems an important part of how things get set up.

In reply to alfadriver :

Fair point

BoulderG said:

Not a lot to add to good (and consistent) advice here, except: what is the kid's attitude?
Is he just ignorant? Too coddled for years? Scared? High anxiety, as is common today? Lazy? Exploitative?

Could he actually learn to do this or will he need to be spoonfed for decades/life?

You'll know his attitude best, but that seems an important part of how things get set up.

Great questions. 
 

He's not ignorant. He's quite brilliant. 
 

I'd say many of your descriptive words are accurate, but they are almost exactly in reverse priority order. I'd say he is exploitative, lazy, high anxiety, too coddled for years, and scared. In that order. 
 

(although, people never like to admit they are scared, so that one is probably higher in the list, and impacts many of the others)

This sounds like it's not your circus and not your monkeys. I can't see how you or your friend are liable to have any power to change the dynamic.

My thoughts/suggestion:

The son is an adult. The settlement and all the money are his. This is a legal fact you can't change.

The son is going to go from not having money to having some money. Sounds like it's time for him to start contributing. He should pay rent and utilities. He should buy his own clothes, food, toiletries, transportation, etc. Or they can work out an arrangement for him to pay a share of grocery store bills for shared items.

He has money now, so he is capable of doing this. Get him used to this level of responsibility.

SV reX said:

I'd say many of your descriptive words are accurate, but they are almost exactly in reverse priority order. I'd say he is exploitative, lazy, high anxiety, too coddled for years, and scared. In that order. 

If I had to guess, I'd say it sounds like the mother is the root problem. Her behavior will need to change before his does.

I would only offer advice to anyone if it is requested. Otherwise I'd stay out of it.

Is your friendship really worth losing over a bunch of money that doesn't belong to you?

Stay out of it.