Joke of the day

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"

To which she replied, "I'm late for work."

“Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"

“I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.

The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"

"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide."

"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot shiny happy person ? " he asked.

"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

"What are you doing?" She asked.

"Hunting Flies" He responded.

"Oh! Killing any?" She asked.

"Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?"

He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone"

pilotbraden wrote: While she was "flying" down the road yesterday, a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait. The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?" To which she replied, "I'm late for work." “Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?" “I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded. The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?" "Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch it, until it's about 6 feet wide." "And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot shiny happy person ? " he asked. "You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Just told that one last weekend. Not the funniest joke, but it's one on the short list I can recite without a flub while whiskey-dronk.

ARG! I havent kept up with this thread

A tourist wanders into a back-alley antique shop somewhere in Washington DC. Picking through the objects on display he discovers a detailed, life-sized bronze sculpture of a rat. The sculpture is so interesting and unique that he picks it up and asks the shop owner what it costs. "Twelve dollars for the rat, sir," says the shop owner, "and a thousand dollars more for the story behind it." "You can keep the story, old man," he replies, "but I'll take the rat."

The transaction complete, the tourist leaves the store with the bronze rat under his arm. As he crosses the street in front of the store,two live rats emerge from a sewer drain and fall into step behind him. Nervously looking over his shoulder, he begins to walk faster, but every time he passes another sewer drain, more rats come out and follow him. By the time he's walked two blocks, at least a hundred rats are at his heels, and people begin to point and shout. He walks even faster, and soon breaks into a trot as multitudes of rats swarm from sewers, basements, vacant lots, and abandoned cars.

Rats by the thousands are at his heels, and as he sees the waterfront at the bottom of the hill, he panics and starts to run full tilt. No matter how fast he runs, the rats keep up, squealing hideously, now not just thousands but millions, so that by the time he comes rushing up to the water's edge a trail of rats twelve city blocks long is behind him.

Making a mighty leap, he jumps up onto a light post, grasping it with one arm while he hurls the bronze rat into the Potomac Tidal Basin with the other, as far as he can heave it. Pulling his legs up and clinging to the light post, he watches in amazement as the seething tide of rats surges over the breakwater into the Basin, where they drown.

Shaken and mumbling, he makes his way back to the antique shop."So, you've come back for the rest of the story," says the owner. "No," says the tourist, "I was wondering if you have a bronze congressman. "

DukeOfUndersteer wrote: A woman walked into the kitchen to find her Husband stalking around with a fly swatter. "What are you doing?" She asked. "Hunting Flies" He responded. "Oh! Killing any?" She asked. "Yep, 3 males, 2 Females," he replied. Intrigued, she asked. "How can you tell them apart?" He responded, "3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone"

On Facebook!

This one isn't very PC, but it still made me laugh.

The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America."

President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help, I will do."

The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek."

President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future...."

Bill Clinton took a jog near his new home in Chappaqua. And on each run, he happened to jog past a hooker standing on the same street corner, day after day. Apprehensive, he would brace himself as he approached her for what was (most certainly) about to follow. "Fifty dollars! ", she would shout from the curb.

"No. Five dollars!" , fired back Clinton. This ritual between the ex-prez and the hooker continued for several days. He'd run by. She'd holler, "Fifty dollars" He'd yell back, "Five dollars! "

One day, Hillary decided that she wanted to accompany her husband on his jog. As the jogging couple neared the now infamous street corner, Bill suddenly realized the "pro" would bark her $50 offer for all to hear (including Hillary) and he would have to come up with a darn good explanation for his wife, the junior Senator.

As they jogged into the turn that would take them past her, Bill became overcome with anxiety on how to handle the situation. Sure enough, there she was -- standing where she always did. Bill tried to evade the streetwalker's eyes as she looked up at the jogging executives.

Then from the sidewalk, she yelled to Bill . . . "See what you get for five bucks?"

No PC content here, either:

A woman goes to the doctor all black and blue.

Doctor: "What happened?"

Woman: "Doctor, I don't know what to do. Every time my husband comes home drunk on Miller Lite he beats me to a pulp."

Doctor: "I have a real good remedy for that. When your husband comes home drunk on Miller Lite, just take a glass of sweet tea and start swishing it in your mouth but don't swallow. Just keep swishing and swishing until he goes to bed in his Miller Lite stupor."

Two weeks later the woman comes back to the doctor looking fresh and reborn.

Woman: "Doctor, that was a brilliant idea. Every time my husband came home drunk on Miller Lite, I swished with sweet tea. I swished and swished, and he didn't touch me!"

Doctor: "You see how much keeping your mouth shut helps?"

OUR NATIONAL PRIDE!

As we all know, the Taliban considers it a sin for a man to see a naked woman who is not his wife. So, this Saturday at 2:00 PM (ET) all American women are asked to walk out of their house completely naked to help weed out any neighborhood terrorists. Circling your block for one hour is recommended for this anti-terrorist effort. All men are to position themselves in Yard chairs in front of their house to prove they are not Taliban, demonstrate that they think it's okay to see nude women other than their wife and to show support for all American women. And since the Taliban also does not approve of alcohol, a cold six-pack at your side is further proof of your anti-Taliban sentiment. The American Government appreciates your efforts to root out terrorists and applauds your participation in this anti-terrorist activity.

God Bless America!

The real reason that we can't have the Ten Commandments posted in a courthouse is this:

You cannot post "Thou Shalt Not Steal," "Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery," and "Thou Shall Not Lie" in a building full of lawyers, judges and politicians...It creates a hostile work environment.

The Pope and Nancy Pelosi are on the same stage in front of a huge crowd.

The Pope leans towards Mrs. Pelosi and says, "Do you know that with one little wave of my hand I can make every person in this crowd go wild with joy? This joy will not be a momentary display, like that of your followers, but go deep into their hearts and they'll forever speak of this day and rejoice!"

Pelosi replied, "I seriously doubt that. With one little wave of your hand? Show me."

So the Pope slapped her.

That's enough for tonight.

Sorry, one more.

The English language has some wonderfully anthropomorphic collective nouns for the various groups of animals. We are all familiar with a Herd of cows, a Flock of chickens, a School of fish and a Gaggle of geese.

However, less widely known is a Pride of lions, a Murder of crows (as well as their cousins the rooks and ravens), an Exaltation of doves and, presumably because they look so wise, a Parliament of owls. Now consider a group of Baboons. They are the loudest, most dangerous, most obnoxious, most viciously aggressive and least intelligent of all primates.

And what is the proper collective noun for a group of baboons?????

Believe it or not ....... a Congress , that much explains the things that come out of Washington.

Math problems? Call 1-800-[(10x)(13i)^2]-[sin(xy)/2.362x]

Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.

She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime.

The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond.

As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps.

Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, “I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do?

“They send me a BLIND policeman.”

^^ NICE ^^

karlaa wrote: lol it s the first good joke i heard in the last month.. nice one. thanks. karla personal loan

Canoe jokes?

TAX TIME

A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.. The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions." He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks, “ What’s your occupation?" "I'm a prostitute," she says. The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that." The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl". "No, that still won't work. Try again." They both think for a minute; then the woman says, "I'm an elite chicken farmer." The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do with being a prostitute?" "Well, I raised a thousand cocks last year." "Chicken Farmer it is."

Storytime: God Loves Drunk People Too!

A man & his wife were awakened at 3 a.m. by a loud pounding at their door. The husband gets up, goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push.

"Not a chance," says the husband, "it's 3 in the morning". He slams the door & returns to bed.

"Who was that?" says his wife. "Just some drunk guy asking for a push" he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks.

"No, I did not, it's 3a.m. & it's pouring rain out there" he answers.

"Well, you have a short memory" says the wife. "Can't you remember about 3 months ago when we broke down & 2 guys stopped to help us?" "And" she continued, "I think you should help him & you also should be ashamed of yourself because God loves drunk people too!"

So the husband, feeling sheepish, gets dressed, & goes outside in the pouring rain. He calls out in the dark "Hello, are you still there?"

"Yes", comes back the answer.

"Do you still need a push?" asks the husband.

"Yes, please" comes the reply from the dark.

"Where are you?" asks the husband.

"Over here on the swing" replies the drunk!!!!!

Toyman01 wrote: This one isn't very PC, but it still made me laugh. The Saudi Ambassador to the UN has just finished giving a speech, and walks out into the lobby where he meets President Bush. They shake hands and as they walk the Saudi says, "You know, I have just one question about what I have seen in America." President Bush says "Well your Excellency, anything I can do to help, I will do." The Saudi whispers "My son watches this show 'Star Trek' and in it there are Russians, Blacks, and Asians, but never any Arabs. He is very upset. He doesn't understand why there are never any Arabs in Star Trek." President Bush laughs and leans toward the Saudi, and whispers back, "It's because it takes place in the future...."

Dr. Bashir is not amused with this joke.

A limo driver was listening to two girls in the back seat; one was bragging about her sugar daddy who paid for everything and her expenses were $2000 a week. The other girl allowed she wasn't having a lot of luck finding one who could swing an apartment, etc for $2000 a week and the first one said well, then find two at, say, $1000 apiece a week, or four at $500 a week, or... The limo driver turned around and said 'when y'all get to $50 a week I'm in'.

A woman married three times walked into a bridal shop one day and told the sales clerk that she was looking for a wedding gown for her fourth wedding. 'Of course, madam,' replied the sales clerk, 'exactly what type and color are you looking for?'

The bride to be said: 'A long frilly white dress with a veil.'

The sales clerk hesitated a bit, then said, 'Please don't take this the wrong way, but gowns of that nature is considered more appropriate for brides who are being married the first time - for those who are a bit more innocent, if you know what I mean? Perhaps ivory or sky blue would be nice?'

'Well,' replied the customer, a little peeved at the clerk's directness,'I can assure you that a white gown would be quite appropriate. Believe it or not,despite all my marriages, I remain as innocent as a first-time bride. You see, my first husband was so excited about our wedding, he died as we were checking into our hotel. My second husband and I got into such a terrible fight in the limo on our way to our honeymoon that we had that wedding annulled immediately and never spoke to each other again.'

'What about your third husband?' asked the sales clerk.

'That one was a Democrat,' said the woman, 'and every night for four years, he just sat on the edge of the bed and told me how good it was going to be, but nothing ever happened.'

The banker fell overboard from a friend's boat.

The friend, not knowing if the banker could swim, grabbed a life preserver and held it up, shouting, "Can you float alone?"

"Obviously," the banker replied, "but this is a heck of a time to talk business."

A senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he floored it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little gray hair he had left. "Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-94, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a state trooper behind him, lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110, then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this," and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival. Pulling in behind him, the trooper walked up to the Corvette, looked at his watch, and said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a reason for speeding that I've never heard before, I'll let you go." The old gentleman paused. Then he said, "Years ago, my wife ran off with a State trooper. I thought you were bringing her back."

"Have a good day, sir," replied the trooper.

THE IRISH CHRISTENING

Paddy's pregnant sister was in a terrible car accident and went into a deep coma.

After nearly six months, she woke up and saw that she was no longer pregnant.

Frantically she asked the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replied, "You had twins, a boy and a girl. The babies are fine. However they were poorly at birth and had to be christened immediately, so your brother Paddy came in and named them."

The woman thought to herself, 'Oh suffering Jesus, no, not me brother. He's a clueless idiot!'

Expecting the worst, she asked the doctor, "Well, what's my daughter's name?"

"Denise." said the doctor.

The new mother was somewhat relieved and thought to herself, 'Wow, that's a really beautiful name. I guess I was wrong about my brother, I really like Denise.'

Then she asked, "What's the boy's name?"

The doctor replied "Denephew."