Joke of the day

Found the perfect stocking stuffer.. wrap some batteries and label them "toys not included".. lol

In reply to Grtechguy:

Stealing that ^^

What's the difference between a rooster on the corner and a hooker on the corner?

One says cockadodle doo. The other says any c__k'll do.

.The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club.
A cellular phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.
MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Hi Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the shops now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $2,000; is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Lexus dealership and saw the new models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$90,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing... I was just talking to Janie and found out that the house I wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $980,000 for it."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and make an offer of $900,000. They'll probably take it. If not, we can go the extra eighty-thousand if it's what you really want."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you so much!"
MAN: "Bye! I love you, too.&quot
The man hangs up.
The other men in the locker room are staring at him in astonishment, mouths wide open.
He turns and asks, "Anyone know who's phone this is?"

Priceless!

The doctor said, 'Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration.

You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles.'

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for.He had no choice but to go under the knife. When he left the hospital, he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He saw a men's clothing store and thought, 'That's what I need... A new suit...'

He entered the shop and told the salesman, 'I'd like a new suit..'

The elderly tailor eye d him briefly and said, 'Let's see... Size 44 long.'

Joe laughed, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years!' the tailor said.

Joe tried on the suit it fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, 'How about a new shirt?'

Joe thought for a moment and then said, 'Sure.'

The salesman eyed Joe and said, 'Let's see, 34 sleeves and 16-1/2 neck.'

Joe was surprised, 'That's right, how did you know?'

'Been in the business 60 years.'

Joe tried on the shirt and it fit perfectly.

Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, 'How about some new underwear?'

Joe thought for a moment and said, 'Sure.'

The salesman said, 'Let's see... Size 36.

Joe laughed, 'Ah ha! I got you! I've worn a size 34 since I was 18 years old.'

The salesman shook his head, 'You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.'

^That's funny^

Hey guys, be careful of what you buy on E-Bay.

I bought a penis enlarger guaranteed to work for $69.99 and they sent me a magnifying glass with the instructions do not use in direct sunlight.

With the Holiday season the scammers are out in force.

Women often receive warnings about protecting themselves at the mall and in dark parking lots, etc. This is the first warning I have seen for men. I wanted to pass it on in case you haven't heard about it. A 'heads up' for those men who may be regular customers at Lowe's, Home Depot, Costco, or even Wal-Mart. This one caught me totally by surprise. Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies has turned out to be quite traumatic. Don't be naive enough to think it couldn't happen to you or your friends.

Here's how the scam works; Two nice looking, college-age girls will come over to your car or truck as you are packing your purchases into your vehicle. They both start wiping your windshield with a rag and Windex, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy T-shirts. (It's impossible not to look). When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' but instead ask for a ride to McDonald's.

You agree and they climb into the vehicle. On the way, they start undressing. Then one of them starts crawling all over you, while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen Nov. 4th, 9th, 10th, twice on the 15th, again on the 17th, 20th, 24th, and the 29th. Also Dec. 1st, 4th, 8th, twice on the 16th &17th, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

So tell your friends to be careful. What a horrible way to take advantage of us older men. Warn your friends to be vigilant.

By the way, Wal-Mart has wallets on sale for $2.99 each. I found even cheaper ones for $.99 at the Dollar Store.

So please, send this on to all the older men that you know and warn them to be on the lookout for this scam. (The best times are just before lunch and around 4:30 in the afternoon.)

One day a florist went to a barber for a haircut. After the cut, he asked about his bill and the barber replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The florist was pleased and left the shop. When the barber went to open his shop the next morning, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen roses waiting for him at his door.

Later, a cop comes in for a haircut and when he tries to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you, I'm doing community service this week.' The cop was happy and left the shop. The next morning when the barber went to open up, there was a 'thank you' card and a dozen donuts waiting for him at his door.

Then a Congressman came in for a haircut and when he went to pay his bill, the barber again replied, 'I cannot accept money from you. I'm doing community service this week.' The Congressman was very happy and left the shop. The next morning, when the barber went to open up, there were a dozen Congressmen lined up waiting for a free haircut.

And that, my friends, illustrates the fundamental difference between the citizens of our country and the politicians who run it.

Q: How does Darth Vader like his toast?

A: On the dark side.

Awful joke I heard on the TV.

What would a kid between Chris Brown and Rihanna look like?

Bruised!!!

And I am done.

2 girls applied for a secretary job and the boss decided to test them by leaving a $50 note on the waiting room floor for each girl.

The first girl enters the office for her interveiw and immediately says "I found this $50 note on the floor, could you please check who came through your office this morning and attempt to give it back to the rightful owner?"

The second girl comes in later that afternoon and says "I found $50 in the waiting room, I tell you what, I'll hang on to it and if no one claims it I'll split it 50/50 with you and we won't say anything".

So who do you think the boss employed ??? . . . . Really? You have no clue? . . . . The one with the biggest boobs, of course!

Sex After Surgery

A surgeon went to check on his young woman patient after an operation. "You'll be fine," he said. She asked ... “How long will it be before I am able to have a normal sex life again doctor?"

The surgeon seemed to pause, and a small tear ran down his cheek from the corner of his eye, which alarmed the girl. "What's the matter Doctor? I will be all right, won't I?" He replied ... “Yes, you'll be fine. It's just that no one has ever asked me that after having her tonsils out."

A Little Christmas Story When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas pressure. Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out, Heaven knows where. Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drunk all the cider and hidden the liquor.. In his frustration, he accidentally dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritated Santa marched to the door, yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas tree. The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree. Not a lot of people know this.

That story makes more sense than the one my wife told me about how the angel got on top of the tree.

A man is seeing a doctor for a physical. The doctor tells the man "you must stop masturbating". The man ask" why?" The doctor says " so I can finish the examination"

Four guys sitting around having drinks and one of the men had to use the restroom. The three others talked about their kids. The first guy said, "my son is my pride and joy he started working at a company at the bottom. He studied business and began to climb the corporate ladder, became president of the company. Hes so rich he gave his best friend a top of the line Mercedes for Christmas.

The second guy said, "Damn, that's terrific! my son is also the pride and joy. He started working for a big airline, went to flight school to become a pilot. He became a partner where he is the majority shareholder of its assets. He is so rich that he gave his best friend a brand new jet as a Christmas gift!

The third man said, "Well that's terrific! My son studied in the best universities and became an engineer, started his own construction company and is now a multimillionaire. He also gave an expensive Christmas gift to his best friend, a 30,000 square foot mansion!

The 3 guys congratulate each other just as the 4th guy returned from the restroom and asked what are all the congratulations for? One of the three guys said, "Were talking about the pride we feel for the successes of our sons... "what about your son?" they asked the 4th guy. The fourth man replied, " my son is gay and makes a living dancing as a stripper at a nightclub". The three friends said, " that's a shame...what a disappointment. The fourth man replied. "nah, I'm not ashamed hes my son and I love him..and he hasn't done too badly either. Just this Christmas alone he received a beautiful 30,000 square foot mansion, a brand new jet and a top of the line Mercedes from his 3 boyfriends.

1988RedT2 wrote: Q: How does Darth Vader like his toast? A: On the dark side.

You remember the TomToms from Hoth? Do you know what their body temp is? Luke warm

mad_machine wrote:

1988RedT2 wrote: Q: How does Darth Vader like his toast? A: On the dark side.

You remember the TomToms from Hoth? Do you know what their body temp is? Luke warm

Tauntaun...

TomTom...

I bought my ex-wife a brand new chair for Christmas.

Unfortunately, the State won't let me plug it in.

Maroon92 wrote:

mad_machine wrote:

1988RedT2 wrote: Q: How does Darth Vader like his toast? A: On the dark side.

You remember the TomToms from Hoth? Do you know what their body temp is? Luke warm

Tauntaun... TomTom...

DonDon

A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work. One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror, she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry! Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!' 'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'

'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'

So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon, so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.

Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always run in the nude?' one asked.

'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!' Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your clothes with you under your arm?' 'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'

Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you always wear a condom when you run?'

Nope..just when it's raining.

So a doctor, a lawyer, and an engineer go to a bar right before Christmas and they're taking about what they got for their wife's! The doctor said he got get a diamond necklace and I trip to Jamaica so if she doesn't like the necklace, she still has the trip. The lawyer got his wife a 80 flat screen tv and a car so if she doesn't like the tv, she still has the car. The engineer got his wife pearl earrings and a dildo. The other two, confused, asked why he got the dildo. He replied, "So if she doesn't like the earrings, she can go berkeley herself!

Until a child tells you what they are thinking, we can't even begin to imagine how their mind is working....

Little Zachary was doing very badly in maths. His parents had tried everything...tutors, mentors, flash cards, special learning centers. In short, everything they could think of to help his maths.

Finally, in a last ditch effort, they took Zachary down and enrolled him In the local Catholic school. After the first day, little Zachary came home with a very serious look on his face. He didn't even kiss his mother hello.
Instead, he went straight to his room and started studying.

Books and papers were spread out all over the room and little Zachary was hard at work. His mother was amazed. She called him down to dinner.

To her shock, the minute he was done, he marched back to his room without a word, and in no time, he was back hitting the books as hard as before.

This went on for some time, day after day, while the mother tried to understand what made all the difference.

Finally, little Zachary brought home his report Card.. He quietly laid it on the table, went up to his room and hit the books. With great trepidation, his Mom looked at it and to her great surprise, little Zachary got an 'A' in maths.
She could no longer hold her curiosity.. She went to his room and said, 'Son, what was it? Was it the nuns?' Little Zachary looked at her and shook his head, no.. 'Well, then,' she replied, Was it the books, the discipline, the structure, the uniforms? WHAT WAS IT?'

Little Zachary looked at her and said, 'Well, on the first day of school when I saw that guy nailed to the plus sign, I knew they weren't fooling around.'

A man walks out to the street and catches a taxi just going by. He gets into the taxi, and the cabbie says, "Perfect timing. You're just like Frank."

Passenger: "Who?" Cabbie: "Frank Feldman.. He's a guy who did everything right all the time.

Like my coming along when you needed a cab, things happened like that to Frank Feldman every single time." Passenger: "There are always a few clouds over everybody." Cabbie: "Not Frank Feldman.

He was a terrific athlete. He could have won the Grand-Slam at tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star And you should have heard him play the piano. He was an amazing guy. Passenger: "Sounds like he was something really special." Cabbie: "There's more. He had a memory like a computer. He remembered everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which foods to order and which fork to eat them with.

He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole street blacks out. But Frank Feldman, could do everything right." Passenger: "Wow, some guy then." Cabbie: "He always knew the quickest way to go in traffic and avoid traffic jams. Not like me, I always seem to get stuck in them.

But Frank, he never made a mistake, and he really knew how to treat a woman and make her feel good. He would never answer her back even if she was in the wrong; and his clothing was always immaculate, shoes highly polished too -

He was the perfect man! He never made a mistake. No one could ever measure up to Frank Feldman." Passenger: "An amazing fellow. How did you meet him?"

Cabbie: "Well, I never actually met Frank.

He died and I married his f---ing wife."