Joke of the day

It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs, because they tend to take things literally.

True Buddies.

Harry brings his best buddy home for dinner unannounced at 5:30 PM after work. As soon as his wife realizes what’s going on she goes ballistic. Begins yelling at Harry as his friend, totally startled, just sits on the sofa taking it all in.

She screams, "What the hell is wrong with you Harry? My hair & makeup are not done, the house is a mess, the dishes are dirty in the sink, I'm still in my sweats, I’ve got my period, and I can't be bothered with cooking tonight! Why the hell did you bring him home without warning me?"

Harry says, "Because he's considering getting married!"

Girls Golf

One morning three women are putting on the fourth green at the club when suddenly a guy runs by wearing nothing but a bag over his head.

As he passes by the first woman, she looks down and says, "Well, he's certainly not my husband."

As he passes by the second woman, she also glances down and says, "He's not my husband either."

He then passes by the third woman, who stares carefully as he runs by her. "Wait a minute", she says. "He's not even a club member!"

BRAVE MAN JOKES

1 -How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry It!

2 -What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.

4 - How do you make 5 pounds of fat look good? Put a nipple on it.

5 - Why do women fake orgasms? Because they think men care.

6 - What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's been told twice already.

7 - If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her chain too long.

8 - Why is a laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

9 - Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

10 - Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the required pressure.

11 - If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

12 - Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%... It's called a Wedding Cake.

13 - Why do men die before their wives? Because they want to.

Went for my routine checkup today and everything seemed to be going fine until he stuck his index finger up my butt! Do you think I should change dentists?

A wife says to her husband "you're always pushing me around and talking behind my back". He says "what do you expect? You're in a wheel chair!"

I was explaining to my wife last night that when you die you get reincarnated but must come back as a different creature. She said she would like to come back as a cow. I said, "You're obviously not listening."

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst. So, I have been to the thrift shop to get all of her clothes back.

Why did the skeleton not cross the road? They had no guts. Why did the Mexican throw his wife over the cliff? Tequila.

Teacher asks the kids in her 3rd grade class:

"What do you want to be when you grow up?"

Little Johnny says: "I wanna be a billionaire, go to the most expensive clubs, find me the finest whore, give her a Ferrari worth over a million bucks, an apartment in Copacabana, a mansion in Paris, a jet to travel throughout Europe, and an Infinite Visa Card, while banging her three times a day".

The teacher, shocked, and not knowing what to do with this horrible response from little Johnny, decides not to acknowledge what he said and simply tries to continue with the lesson . . . .

"And how about you, Sarah?"

"I wanna be Johnny's whore."

The guys at the VFW asked me what actress I would like to be stuck in an elevator with.

I told them the one who knows how to fix elevators.

I'm old, tired, and pee a lot.

Today I was beaten up by a woman.

I was in the elevator when this busty lady got in. I was staring at her breasts, when she said, would you please press 1?

So I did.

I don't remember much afterwards.

The doctor estimates the recovery time 4 - 6 week

Dogs hanging out in the Vet's waiting room. Poodle asks a Chihuahua what he's in for.

"Well, this stuffed animal went after me so I ripped his head off and put his insides all over the room. Then the couch cushion had something to say, so; same thing. They're putting me down.

Ah, mondieu. I can't help myself, I keep humping my master, well anyone really, WTH I'm French. They're putting me down.

They look over at a Great Dane. Buddy what's your story?

Same. I started humping my she-master when she steps out of the shower, every time; can't help it.

Ohhhh..... She's putting you down too?

Oh no, I'm getting my nails clipped.

What do you get when you drive a Toyota Camry off into the Grand Canyon?

An Echo.

(rimshot)

Thank you I be here all the week.

In reply to Flight Service:

Awesome!

Awesome!

A student travelling on a train looks up and sees Einstein sitting next to him.
Excited, he asks: “Excuse me, professor. Does Boston stop at this train?”

A friend told me he installed OSX Mavericks today. I warned him that he shouldn't install OSX Goose later. I heard it dies after a while.

I’m not the best looking guy. Some would say I’m a little frayed around the edges these days.

But, I have a nice bike, a little money, and I spend most of my time casually riding from place to place.

I met a nice looking girl in the park the other evening. There was an instant spark between us.

All of a sudden, she did this cute little dance, then immediately dropped to her knees and lay on the grass at my feet.

As we lay there making love, I thought . . .

“Wow, these taser guns are really worth the money!!”

There are two statues in a park;One of a nude man and one of a nude woman. They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, 'As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most.'

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The angel waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, 'Um, you have fifteen minutes left, would you care to do it again?'

He asks her 'Shall we?'

She eagerly replies, 'Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions.

This time, I'll hold the pigeon down and you crap on its head.'

One Monday morning the postman is walking through the neighborhood on his usual route, delivering the mail.

As he approached one of the homes, he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by David, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beer, wine and spirit bottles for the recycling bin.

"Wow, David, looks like you guys had one hell of a party last night," the Postman commented.

David, in obvious pain, replied, "Actually we had it Saturday night. This is the first I have felt like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about 15 couples from around the neighborhood over for some weekend fun and it got a bit wild. We all got so drunk around midnight that we started playing 'WHO AM I?'."

The Postman thinks a moment and said, "How do you play 'WHO AM I?' ?"

" Well, all the guys go in the bedroom and come out one at a time covered with a sheet with only the 'family jewels' showing through a hole in the sheet. Then the women try to guess who it is.."

The postman laughed and said, "Sounds like fun, I'm sorry I missed it."

"Probably a good thing you did," David responded."Your name came up 7 times."

In reply to wbjones:

now that's funny.....

A nun is sitting with her Mother Superior chatting. "I used some horrible language this week and feel absolutely terrible about it."

"When did you use this awful language?" asks the elder.

"Well, I was golfing and hit an incredible drive that looked like it was going to go over 280 yards, but it struck a phone line that is hanging over the fairway and fell straight down to the ground after going only about 100 yards."

"Is that when you swore?"

"No, Mother," says the nun. "After that, a squirrel ran out of the bushes and grabbed my ball in its mouth and began to run away."

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the Mother Superior again.

"Well, no." says the nun. "You see, as the squirrel was running, an eagle came down out of the sky, grabbed the squirrel in his talons and began to fly away!"

"Is THAT when you swore?" asks the amazed elder nun.

"No, not yet. As the eagle carried the squirrel away in its claws, it flew near the green and the squirrel dropped my ball."

"Did you swear THEN?" asked Mother Superior, becoming impatient.

"No, because the ball fell on a big rock, bounced over the sand trap, rolled onto the green, and stopped about six inches from the hole."

The two nuns were silent for a moment.

Then Mother Superior sighed and asked, "You missed the berkeleying putt, didn't you?"

Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him a ... super calloused fragile mystic, hexed by halitosis.

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

A college student at a recent football game challenged a senior citizen sitting next to him, saying it was impossible for their generation to understand his.

"You grew up in a different world," the student said...loud enough for the whole crowd to hear.

"Today we have television, jet planes, space travel, man has walked on the Moon, our spaceships have visited Mars, we even have nuclear energy, electric and hydrogen cars, computers with light-speed processing, and, uh .." > Taking advantage of a pause in the student's litany, the geezer said, "You're right. We didn't have those things when we were young; so we invented them, you little sh**! Now what the hell are you doing for the next generation??"

A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office and asked them to disperse. "But why?" they asked, as they moved off. "Because," he said "I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer."