A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan." Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal."
Three strings are standing outside a bar and they decide a cold beer would be real nice. The first string walks in, goes up to the bar, and asks for 3 beers. The bartender says "we don't serve strings in here". The string goes back and tells his friends what happened. The second string gets mad and declares he'll go get the beers. He walks in, walks up to the bar, and says "I want 3 beers - to go". The bartender tells him "I told your buddy we don't serve strings here, now get out before I throw ya out!" The second string walks out dejected. The third string thinks about it a minute, then starts twisting himself around, looping one end around the other, then through the middle. Then he starts flailing away at the sidewalk until he's a tattered mess, fibers sticking out everywhere. He walks into the bar, saunters up to the bartender, and orders 3 beers to go. "Sure thing pal", the bartender says and starts pouring them. Then he slowly turns around and looks supsiciously and asks "Say, aren't you one of them strings?" "Nope", replies the string, "I'm afraid not".
Subject: Too Smart for 1st Grade First-grade teacher, Ms. Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Harry, what is your problem?" Harry answered, "I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'msmarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!"
Ms. Brooks had had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office. While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test. Principal: "What is 3 x 3?" Harry: "9" Principal: "What is 6 x 6?" Harry: "36" And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, "I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade."
Ms. Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions." The principal and Harry both agreed. Ms. Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?" Harry, after a moment: "Legs." Ms. Brooks: "What do you have in your pants that I do not have in mine?" The principal wondered, why does she ask such a question? Harry replied: "Pockets." Ms. Brooks: "What does a dog do that a man steps into?" Harry: "Pants" Ms. Brooks: What's starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, Harry: "Coconut" Ms. Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky? The principal's eyes open wide and before he could stop him Harry answered: Harry: "Bubble gum" Ms. Brooks: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sittingdown and a dog does on three legs?" The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop him Harry answered:"Shake hands" Ms. Brooks: "What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?" Harry: "Firetruck" The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, "Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong.
The "F" Word
(Correct use of the "F" word) When is @#$% Acceptable?
There have been only twelve times in history when the "F" word was considered acceptable for use.
They are as follows:
12 ) "What the @#$% do you mean, we are Sinking?" -- Capt. E.J. Smith of RMS Titanic, 1912
11) "What the @#$% was that?" -- Mayor Of Hiroshima, 1945
10) "Where did all those @#$%ing Indians come from?" -- Custer, 1877
9) "Any @#$%ing idiot could understand that." -- Einstein, 1938
8) "It does so @#$%ing look like her!" -- Picasso, 1926
7) "How the @#$% did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras, 126 BC
6) "You want WHAT on the @#$%ing ceiling?" -- Michelangelo, 1566
5) "Where the @#$% are we?" -- Amelia Earhart, 1937
4) "Scattered @#$%ing showers, my ass!" -- Noah, 4314 BC
3) "Aw c'mon. Who the @#$% is going to find out?" -- Bill Clinton, 1998
2) "What do you mean there is no @%#*ing key to my ankle bracelet?" -- Martha Stewart, 2005
and a drum roll please............
1) "Geez, I didn't think they'd get this @%#*^ing mad." -- Saddam Hussein, 2003
If you don't know what in the world you can buy for that very special "Automotive Minded" person in you life, or even someone who isn't very mechanically minded, these gift suggestions should be considered.
Tire Air Change Kit. This kit comes with everything you need to change the air in your tires. This highly recommended but often overlooked maintenance item is much easier now. Remember to change your air every 3000 miles or twice a year. $25
Blinker Fluid. You knew it existed but, WOW, is this stuff hard to find. 4oz bottle. $12
Synthetic Blinker Fluid. Better yet! 4oz bottle. $24 4. Light Bulb Filaments. Why throw away a perfectly good turn signal or stop light bulb when you can just install a new filament? Premium Filaments, made in the USA! $1 each.
Manifold Heat. Yes, your exhaust manifold should be HOT. If it's not, you may need this item. Sold by the pound. $3.50
Steering Wheel Gaskets. All SIZES available! Email for specific application. From $9.99
Tie Rod Tensioner. Is your tie rod limp? Tension it with T-50! $14.99
Alternator Batteries. (4 required, replace them all!) From $2.99
Fan Belt Buckles. Specify brass or chrome. Gold available special order. $14.99
Muffler Bearing Manual. Print version $59.95
Muffler Bearing Manual. CD version $49.99
Universal Muffler Bearing Tool Kit $105.59
Muffler Bearing Hi Temp Synthetic Lube (the only kind we sell!) $40.24
Muffler Bearings From $19.95
Muffler Bearing Gasket Kits From $9.99
Momentum (required for tackling some off road obstacles). Sold by the lb-ft/sec $0.50
Microsoft Windows Eliminator. If your car or truck begins to run poorly, (long time to start, frequent crashes, etc.), it's computer, (ecm, ecu, black box, etc.), may have become infected with this nasty computer virus. This product will safely remove the virus. $199
Mirror Image Flipper Film. Did you know that the image you see in your rear view mirrors are reversed! This is a manufacturing flaw that the auto companies have kept secret for years as the recall would cost BILLIONS! This film can be cut and placed over any mirror to correct the image. Now you'll be able to read signs in the rear view mirror! $5 per square ft.
To Order, please call: 1-888-GOT-AWAY (Please wait if we don't answer right away, as our courteous operators are very busy with lots of other things.)
Or send your check or money order to: TAKEYUTUKLEENERS, INC. P.O. Box 86 New Orleans, La. 86866
Last one.
"I always find that statistics are hard to swallow and impossible to digest. The only one I can ever remember is that if all the people who go to sleep in church were laid end to end they would be a lot more comfortable."
I showed up to pick up a chick for our first date back in HS and her Dad was literally cleaning his guns on the kitchen table. I rolled my eyes (when out of sight from him).
Fast forward to a couple of years ago and I ran into him at a bar. Went up to him: "Hey Dave! Remember me?"
"Of course I do, Matt" bla bla bla....
"Hey, when I came to pick up Melanie for our first date..."
"Yeah, I was cleaning the guns on the kitchen table. No offense intended, man. I did that for all her first dates"
"Yeah, when you did that, I kind of thought it was a bit over the top but now I get it"
"Ah. You got a daughter now, do ya?"
"Yep. Two"
"Wanna buy some guns? I'm done with them. She's married now"
The teacher walked into the classroom and saw that little Joey had brought his cat to school. She said, "Joey, why did you bring your cat to school"? Little Joey started crying and said, "Cause I heard my Daddy tell my Momma he was going to eat that Bob Costas after Joey left for school".
Words with two meanings
THINGY (thing-ee)? n. Female......? Any part under a car's hood. Male.....? The strap fastener on a woman's bra.
VULNERABLE? (vul-ne-ra-bel) adj. Female....? Fully opening up one's self emotionally to another. Male.....? Playing football without a cup.
COMMUNICATION? (ko-myoo-ni-kay-shon) n. Female...? The open sharing of thoughts and feelings with one's partner. Male...? Leaving a note before taking off on a fishing trip with the boys.
COMMITMENT (ko-? mit-ment) n. Female.....? A desire to get married and raise a family. Male......? Trying not to hit on other women while out with this one.
ENTERTAINMENT? (en-ter-tayn-ment) n. Female....? A good movie, concert, play or book. Male......? Anything that can be done while drinking beer.
FLATULENCE? (flach-u-lens) n. Female....? An embarrassing by-product of indigestion. Male......? A source of entertainment, self-expression, male bonding.
MAKING LOVE (may-king luv) n. Female......? The greatest expression of intimacy a couple can achieve. Male.....? Call it whatever you want, just as long as we do it.
REMOTE CONTROL? (ri-moht kon-trohl) n. Female....? A device for changing from one TV channel to another. Male...? A device for scanning through all 375 channels every 5 minutes.
AND;
He said....I don't know why you wear a bra; you've got nothing to put in it. She said.... You wear pants don't you?
He said..... Shall we try swapping positions tonight? She said... That's a good idea - you stand by the ironing board while I sit on the sofa and fart!
He said..... What have you been doing with all the grocery money I gave you? She said ....Turn sideways and look in the mirror!
He said..... Why are married women heavier than singlewomen? She said..... Single women come home, see what's in the fridge and go to bed. Married women come home, see what's in bed and go to the fridge.
Dear Technical Support,
About 18 months ago I upgraded to GirlFriend 1.0 from DrinkingMates 4.2 which I had used for a number of years without any trouble whatsoever. However, there seems to be a serious conflict between these two products and the only possible way to run things was to GirlFriend 1.0 with the sound turned off.
To make things worse, GirlFriend 1.0 has turned out to be incompatible with a number of other applications such as LadsNightOut 3.1, Football 4.5 and Playboy 6.9. I’ve tried successive versions of GirlFriend but they have proved to be no improvement.
I did try shareware program Slapper 2.1 but it had too many bugs and left a virus in my system forcing me to shut down for several weeks.
Eventually I tried running GirlFriend 1.2 with GirlFriend 1.0 at the same time but when they detected each other they caused severe damage to my hardware.
I eventually upgraded to Fiancée 1.0 only to discover that this product soon required an expensive upgrade to Wife 1.0. Whilst this does seem to use most of my resources it does however come bundled with a couple of useful programs, FreeSexPlus and CleanHouse 2012 which is a small plus.
Shortly after this upgrade however I found that it was very unstable and costly to run. Any mistakes I made were automatically saved to the Wife 1.0 memory and could not be deleted. This was made worse for me by the fact that they tended to resurface months later when I forgotten about any of the details and so was unable to find a workaround.
Wife 1.0 also has an automatic Diary, Explorer and Email filter and can, without any warning, launch TurboStrop and Winge 5.1,neither of which have any help files so I have to spend too much time trying to figure out what the problem is likely to be.
Additional problems are that Wife 1.0 needs constant upgrading, requiring ShoeShop Browser for new attachments and HairStyle Pro which needs to be reinstalled every other week. Wife 1.0 also spawns unwelcome child processes with further drain my resources. These conflict with some of the new games I want to try out, warning me they are an illegal operation.
Also, when Wife 1.0 attaches itself to my Audi TT Hard drive it often crashes and to make matter worse Wife 1.0 also comes with a very irritating pop-up called MotherInLaw which is impossible to turn off.
Very recently I’ve been tempted to install Mistress 2012 but I fear that may lead to bigger problems due to the fact that if Wife 1.0 detects Mistress 2012 it usually deletes all your money before uninstalling itself.
I’m sorry this has been a bit long winded but I think it best to give a complete picture as possible so you can develop a comprehensive fix for these issues
I await you considered response with great anticipation.
Best regards
Punography!
I tried to catch some Fog. I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
A soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Than it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a Type- O.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
PMS jokes aren't funny, period.
Why were the Indians here first? They had reservations.
Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory. I hope there's no pop quiz.
Energizer bunny arrested. Charged with battery.
I didn't like my beard at first. Then it grew on me.
How do you make holy water? Boil the hell out of it!
Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils?
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
Broken pencils are pointless.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen. Police have nothing to go on.
I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes.
Velcro - what a rip off!
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Venison for dinner? Oh deer!
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault.
I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure.
Be kind to your dentist. He has fillings, too.
Why Sharks Circle Before Attacking...
Two great white sharks swimming in the ocean spied survivors of a sunken ship.
"Follow me son" the father shark said to the son shark and they swam to the mass of people.
"First we swim around them a few times with just the tip of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Well done, son! Now we swim around them a few times with all of our fins showing."
And they did.
"Now we eat everybody."
And they did.
When they were both gorged, the son asked, "Dad, why didn't we just eat them all at first? Why did we swim around and around them?"
His wise father replied, "Because they taste better after you scare the **** out of them."
Now you know.
Go to google translate. Input a bunch of dots ".............................." Select Japanese Click listen.
Brett_Murphy wrote: Go to google translate. Input a bunch of dots ".............................." Select Japanese Click listen.
That's WAY funnier than it should be.
Yeah I'm not sure what that's supposed to be but it is amusing if nothing else.
QUICK SEX
Eddie wanted desperately to have sex with this really cute, really hot girl in his office.... but she was dating someone else. One day Eddie got so frustrated that he went to her and said, 'I'll give you $100 if you let me have sex with you.'
The girl looked at him and then said, 'NO.'
Eddie said, 'I'll be real fast. I'll throw the money on the floor, you bend down, and I'll finish by the time you've picked it up.'
She thought for a moment and said that she would consult with her boyfriend, She called him and explained the situation. Her boyfriend says, 'Ask him for $200, and pick up the money really fast. He wont even be able to get his pants down.' She agreed and accepts the proposal.
Over half an hour goes by and the boyfriend is waiting for his girlfriend's call.
Finally, after 45 minutes the boyfriend calls and asks,'What happened?'
Still breathing hard, she managed to reply, 'The bastard had all quarters!'
Management lesson: Always consider a business proposition in its entirety before agreeing to it and getting screwed.
Subject: Important discovery
A young monk arrives at the monastery.
He is assigned to helping the other monks in copying the old canons and laws of the church by hand.
He notices, however, that all of the monks are copying from copies, not from the original manuscript.
So, the new monk goes to the Old Abbot to question this, pointing out that if someone made even a small error in the first copy, it would never be picked up!
In fact, that error would be continued in all of the subsequent copies.
The head monk, says, "We have been copying from the copies for centuries, but you make a good point, my son."
He goes down into the dark caves underneath the monastery where the original manuscripts are held as archives, in a locked vault that hasn't been opened for hundreds of years. Hours go by and nobody sees the Old Abbot.
So, the young monk gets worried and goes down to look for him. He sees him banging his head against the wall and wailing.
"We missed the R! We missed the R! We missed the bloody R!"
His forehead is all bloody and bruised and he is crying uncontrollably. The young monk asks the old abbot, "What's wrong, father?"
With a choking voice, the old Abbot replies, "The word was ...
....CELEBRATE!"
Whatever You Say Maam Dept.
The Canadians know how to handle complaints. Here is an example.
A Canadian female (self-labeled liberal) wrote a lot of letters to the Canadian government, complaining about the treatment of captive insurgents (terrorists) being held in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities. She demanded a response to her letter. She received back the following reply:
National Defense Headquarters
M Gen George R. Pearkes Bldg., 15 NT
101 Colonel By Drive
Ottawa, ON K1A 0K2
Canada
Dear Concerned Citizen,
Thank you for your recent letter expressing your profound concern of treatment of the Taliban and Al Qaeda terrorists captured by Canadian Forces, who were subsequently transferred to the Afghanistan Government and are currently being held by Afghan officials in Afghanistan National Correctional System facilities.
Our administration takes these matters seriously and your opinions were heard loud and clear here in Ottawa . You will be pleased to learn, thanks to the concerns of citizens like yourself, we are creating a new department here at the Department of National Defense, to be called 'Liberals Accept Responsibility for Killers' program, or L.A.R.K. for short.
In accordance with the guidelines of this new program, we have decided, on a trial basis, to divert several terrorists and place them in homes of concerned citizens such as yourself, around the country, under those citizens personal care.
Your personal detainee has been selected and is scheduled for transportation under heavily armed guard to your residence in Toronto next Monday.
Ali Mohammed Ahmed bin Mahmud is your detainee, and is to be cared for pursuant to the standards you personally demanded in your letter of complaint.
You will be pleased to know that we will conduct weekly inspections to ensure that your standards of care for Ahmed are commensurate with your recommendations.
Although Ahmed is a socio pat h and extremely violent, we hope that your sensitivity to what you described as his 'attitudinal problem' will help him overcome those character flaws.
Perhaps you are correct in describing these problems as mere cultural differences. We understand that you plan to offer counseling and home schooling, however, we strongly recommend that you hire some assistant caretakers.
Please advise any Jewish friends, neighbors or relatives about your house guest, as he might get agitated or even violent, but we are sure you can reason with him.
He is also expert at making a wide variety of explosive devices from common household products, so you may wish to keep those items locked up, unless in your opinion, this might offend him.
Your adopted terrorist is extremely proficient in hand-to-hand combat and can extinguish human life with such simple items as a pencil or nail clippers. We advise that you do not ask him to demonstrate these skills either in your home or wherever you choose to take him while helping him adjust to life in our country.
Ahmed will not wish to interact with you or your daughters except sexually, since he views females as a form of property, thereby having no rights, including refusal of his sexual demands.
This is a particularly sensitive subject for him.
You also should know that he has shown violent tendencies around women who fail to comply with the dress code that he will recommend as more appropriate attire. I'm sure you will come to enjoy the anonymity offered by the burka over time.
Just remember that it is all part of 'respecting his culture and religious beliefs' as described in your letter.
You take good care of Ahmed and remember that we will try to have a counselor available to help you over any difficulties you encounter while Ahmed is adjusting to Canadian culture.
Thanks again for your concern. We truly appreciate it when folks like you keep us informed of the proper way to do our job and care for our fellow man.
Good luck and God bless you.
Cordially,
Gordon O'Connor
Minister of National Defense
hopefully this will be taken as a joke … (why it's in this thread)
YOU'RE PROBABLY NOT INTERESTED IN USED FARM EQUIPMENT, BUT YOU MIGHT ENJOY THIS AD TAKEN FROM CRAIG'S LIST. FIFTY YEAR OLD MANURE SPREADER - $1 (WASHINGTON, DC ) Fifty-year old manure spreader. Not sure of brand. Said to have been produced in Kenya. Used for a few years in Indonesia before being smuggled into the US via Hawaii. Of questionable pedigree. Does not appear to have ever been worked hard. Apparently, it was pampered by various owners over the years. It doesn't work very often, but when it does it can sling manure for amazing distances. I am hoping to retire the manure spreader in 2016. I really don't want it hanging around getting in the way. I would prefer a foreign buyer to relocate the manure spreader out of the country. I would be willing to trade it for a nicely framed copy of the United States Constitution. Location: Currently being stored in a big white house in Washington, D.C.
The top 40 things you would NEVER hear a Redneck say, no matter how much they've had to drink, no matter how far from the South they've wandered and no matter how much the skunks are threatening:
And the #1 thing that you would never hear a Redneck say.......
Seven series BMW's being considered "Regular Cars" sure seemed like a joke to me.
A blonde was pulled over by a female cop, also blonde. The cop asked for her driver's license and, after a couple minutes of looking through her purse, she got frustrated and said to the cop: "I don't even know what it looks like."
The cop said "It's a rectangle, and has your picture on it." Finally, the blonde found a mirror and handed it to the cop. The cop handed it back saying "It's OK, you can go. I didn't realize you were a cop."
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